One is the Loneliest Number...

Unless it is found on an ultrasound. Then it looks awesome!!!

We found ONE strong heartbeat and I suppose it is official: I am pregnant. Half of me is flying over the moon right now. I am so excited. It is real. My friends all say I am glowing - and I feel it. I feel pretty good overall and mentally I am much less scared that anything will happen to this pregnancy (other than birth at the end). I saw my little baby today. Amazing!

The other half of me? So embarrassed to say that she is disappointed not to be having twins. I mean, my family really doesn't need twins. We can barely afford the ones we have already, etc. etc. Maybe it is that having one baby after having twins is "less"? Maybe it is part fear of something new? OMIGOD - I am going to be able to get some sleep the first few months. (Not a lot, but some!) But my little baby isn't going to have a twin. Isn't going to have an automatic best buddy. My little baby is going to be a singleton. Is it wrong that it makes me kinda sad?

So I figure these feelings might stick around for a day or so. I have no doubt that I will get over them eventually. But I have to say I am a little torn and while I wish I were having a totally exuberant day, I guess I just have to realize that quite a bit about pregnancy, birth and motherhood may surprise me. And I am just going to have to roll with it, 'cuz that's the type of gal I am (or at least the type I want to be).

One Week Until Ultrasound

So what is it going to be - one, two or three? Everyone keeps asking me if I have a sense. Of course they mean well, but this drives me crazy. Only because I don't have a sense, and I so wish I did. I feel like I missed out on sensing I was pregnant because of the progesterone I was taking. Of course I felt pregnant, but I couldn't say whether that feeling was from injections or because I was in touch with my body. And now I have another opportunity to feel what is going on inside me. And I am clueless. Seriously, how does 5w4d feel different for one compared with for two? I have nothing to compare it to anyway. And so I have to just take a random guess, because they want to hear something. So I say that I think it may be two, I am hoping for one (which is kinda true), but I don't think it is three.

But all I have to say is that it is a good thing I got pregnant a several weeks ago. For the past two weeks nobody in my house has slept due to colds, fevers and ear infections. And this has made my house a very yucky place to be. The kids are crying at the drop of a hat. They have no emotional control. And after hours of listening to them screaming, neither do Wife and I. We are all in serious need of a vacation from illness. Instead I think we are going to carry these germs with us right into the new year - I just don't see how we would be able to stop long enough to rest up and get better. Too many trips coming up. Fun trips, but is it wrong of me to be a little nervous about hanging out with in-laws without alcohol?

At least by then we will know the number so people can start asking about names rather than what I am feeling.

I miss Nyquil!

I was up most of the night with this darn cold. You know how "they" say if you sneeze with your eyes open your eyeballs will pop out? I have this irrational fear I will eject a fetus if I sneeze without pushing my knees together. And coughing is just downright painful. Please let me get healthy soon!

Boo hoo - I have a cold

There is nothing new to report since I am seriously sidelined by a nasty cold. I miss my Nyquil! But really, not complaining. Not nauseated today, and given the choice I think I would take runny nose over nausea.

About to go out with Wife and friends for "drinks." Will try very hard not to appear bored. Mustering up energy to fake being interested in Wife. I know that sounds callous and harsh, which is why I write it hear instead of saying it. I really really want to love her, but I just can't seem to these days. I spent over an hour this morning listening to her yell at Kids to stop yelling! Yes, they are obnoxiously loud these days, but I guarantee she wouldn't have seen the contradiction in her actions. But overall we have done a better job of not fighting this week. I just wonder if it is because I am avoiding issues and not speaking up for myself or if it is because we are making progress on not pissing each other off. Too soon to call.

Meanwhile gearing up for a busy weekend and resting as much as possible. Trying not to think too hard about the ultrasound next Thursday, which seems like an eternity away. So sad it had to be rescheduled from Tuesday. Would love to know how many are in there. I think I am going to be sad if there isn't two. But if I were honest, two would not be good for us. Twins is hard. Really hard. And 4 kids is a lot of kids. I know that our lives would be so much easier if we were to have a singleton. But part of me loves the fact that my Kids have each other in a way that can't be reproduced for a singleton. And part of it is selfish -- I want to belong to the twin group through direct experience.Why? I don't know. I get that I belong, that I am very involved with raising twins, and that is its own challenge. But I wonder what it would be like to be pregnant with twins. I mean, if being pregnant is an amazing experience, I can only imagine what being pregnant with twins must be like. And yet, I know twins would not be the best for me or for my family. And ultimately what is, is. So I will try over the next few days to consider removing disappointment as a possible response no matter what we see next week.

Next Goals

So I am finally starting to accept the idea that I am pregnant - and that fear about something happening to this pregnancy is just not productive. So instead I am refocusing my attention to two things: eating well and addressing my relationship with Wife. [And as a result, I am pretty sure this blog will no longer be of interest to anyone from the IF world. Just saying....]

So for (1): I feel like I am eating all the time. And I am okay with this in that it makes me feel much better, and I understand gaining weight is part of being pregnant. The funny thing is that I am usually so totally unperturbed by my weight, and I generally run about 10-15 pounds over "ideal" weight. I am a good size 10, and nobody would call me skinny or fat. But over the last year, for some reason (probably stress from trying to get pregnant), I lost 10 pounds. And I like how it looked on me. Even more important, I like how my clothes were so much more comfortable! But yes, I gained that 10 pounds right back during the fresh IVF cycle, the weight came right off when the cycle didn't work/the hormones wore off, but it came right back on during FET cycle. So I am starting the pregnancy up 10 pounds. And now I am supposed to spend all day eating? Isn't that going to wreak total havoc with my weight? Isn't it true that at the beginning you aren't supposed to gain much weight? How does this happen if I am munching on saltines and ginger cookies all the time? If I am going to be eating all day, I want to be sure I am eating nutritious foods and I would like not to pack on too many pounds before the critter (or critters) need the extra calories. So I have to figure out what that means.

And for (2): I don't really have a plan for this one, but I want to formally acknowledge that I need to work on it and that I am not ignoring the issue. I finally feel more hormonally stable, even if I feel like crap energetically, and it is time for me to stand up for myself. I wish I didn't see it becoming adversarial but I have a strong sense that is unavoidable. Wife's defensive ways are so ingrained, she is all about fault and blame, all the time. But this is not my fault and I am not to blame. And I don't deserve the attitude and tone she gives me. So first item: read The Verbally Abusive Relationship and see what that brings up. Lots of "stuff" for posts I suppose.

Oh No - back to Fear

Suddenly Fear has reared its ugly head. All of a sudden I formulated a grand explanation to support the idea that I am no longer pregnant. Irrational? Paranoid? Unfounded? Yes. Yes. Yes. But here it is anyway:

(1) Maybe the reason the clinic didn't want me to go in for additional betas was because the doctor knows the numbers won't be doubling. He is giving me 2 weeks to feel pregnant and I will find out there is nothing there at the ultrasound. Then he doesn't have to tell me the bad news on the phone.I know this is ridiculous - why would anyone want me to find out in person, at the ultrasound? But isn't it odd that I didn't go back for additional betas? I was so busy and thankful that I didn't have to drive the few hours to get additional testing that I didn't stop and think about how rare that is. In all the blogs that I have read (surely not all of them, but not a small number either), that has never been the case. Just weird.

(2) I am not as nauseated today as I used to be. I was actually fine not eating first thing in the morning, and a piece of toast an hour after waking kept me fine for hours. It used to be I had to eat almost constantly to keep from feeling queasy. The logical part of my brain reminds me that my nausea usually hits its stride around 2pm and parties through the evening. Not a morning-type nausea. But the irrational, worried part of me does not like feeling fine. (How twisted is that?)

(3) I just realized that I fell asleep last night without taking my prenatal. I don't know that this is a sign as much as a indicator that maybe my body knows taking the prenatal is not as important as I might otherwise think. Silly. I know.

(4) As soon as I admitted my fear, I started to get major cramping in my lower left abdominal area. What's up with that? (Prior cramping and pangs have almost always been on the right side, or sometimes both sides, but never just the left side.)

And this has gotten me seriously considering buying more HPTs. Will daily pee tests help me make it to ultrasound? I still have 2 weeks to wait - Please don't let me go crazy in the meantime!

Bitten by the Happy Bug

It is finally seeping in...joy. happiness. excitement. wonder.

I had a biometric screening at work today in order to get company money toward my health care premiums. I got to check "pregnant" on the intake form. Woo hoo!

I actually told someone today that I was pregnant and didn't use the disclaimer "but it is still early, so we will see..." because that is always the case. And I want to be thinking positively. And there is really no reason that I should feel negatively. I mean sure, bad things happen. But so do good things. And I am going to put my faith in the good.

I think I may have been bitten by a happy bug. Or maybe the holiday bee. Or maybe this little critter inside me is an optimist by nature. Either way, I am feeling really uplifted these last few days.

Sips of Joy

I went to see Acupuncturist today - she always helps me feel so much better. I shared how I am so confused and conflicted. Why am I not jumping for joy at being pregnant? This is exactly what I wanted. I thought I would be all woohoo - and instead I feel a little numb. Tentative. Happy but scared. And she reassured me that there was nothing wrong with what I am feeling. Sometimes it takes a while for the news to reach the heart, especially when it has been hurt before.

She suggested I do two things:
(1) Cut off reading other blogs -- to stop my mind from going to the what ifs and infinite possibilities. On the one hand, I totally see her point. I do lean toward the hypochondriac and I worry that I let myself get disturbed by other people's news. On the other hand, I have really enjoyed feeling connected to other people, and I am not sure how I feel about "joining" a mainstream pregnant group - and I don't want to give up this feeling of community. Plus I have selected about 8 blogs that I like to follow at this point. So advice #1 is under consideration.

(2) Take Sips of Joy -- it may seem overwhelming to drink a full glass or expect myself to suddenly be exuberant. So I should start by taking small amounts, and seeing how it tastes in my mouth. Playing with it. (If only I weren't so exhausted all the time!) I will give serious effort to advice #2.

Meanwhile, the theme of the day is headache. I am having some minor cramping, turning to major when I move suddenly and/or laugh (yeah, that didn't feel good). I am so tired, even though I went to bed at 9:30 last night. But really, the headache is killing me. OK, that's the complaining for the day. The rest is gravy. Sip sip.

August 14, 2011 May be a Good Day

Great news! Beta #1 (15 days post fertilization) is at 257. He hopes for above 150 at this point. Doctor is comfortable enough that I don't need additional betas. I am loving this since I wasn't sure how I was going to fit other trips to doctor in my schedule. Other stats: Estrogen at 586 (continue shots 2x per week) and progesterone at 19.7 (continue coochie pills).

I don't know why but I am still in a daze and really mellow about this. Is it too much reading other blogs? Am I scared to say I am so happy for fear that something will take it away? Am I not actually thrilled? Well, as my acupuncturists says, I will just "sit with this" and see where it leads me. So far I think I am in a pretty incredible spot. 4w1d

POAS is Evil, Evil, Evil

Yesterday's stick: positive
Today's stick: uncertain

When I peed, nothing showed up (whereas yesterday a very faint line showed up almost immediately). It was a "rapid response" version that is supposed to show results in 1 minute. Today, one minute after peeing, nothing showed up. But just as I was leaving for the clinic to have official blood work done, I showed the stick to Wife. And there was this faint little line. Wife couldn't see it, but I have seen enough of these online to know that there was the faintest of little lines there. So does this mean an ending to a chemical pregnancy? a crappy stick? pee-er error? Well, the clinic should call in a few hours. Any bets on whether I will get any actual work done in the meantime?

_____________________________

Fortunately I didn't have to wait long...

I Saw Two Lines - the rest is a blur

This morning I couldn't wait any longer and I did it: I POAS....and I got two lines! Of course the line I care about is pretty faint, but there is no doubt that it is there. I am so cautiously excited, a little in shock, a tad bit scared and a pinch of festive. Of course I told Wife immediately, even though it was 4:45 am. (She tried to go back to sleep, but couldn't. I had to take my mom to the airport and act as though nothing were different. But it was. I mean, it is.) I texted my sister, who sent a very excited text back. I called my brother, who was also super-excited. Of course I told both it wasn't official yet. And Wife doesn't think I should tell anyone else. I don't think that is going to happen though. I know it is the prudent thing, but everyone knows I have been trying and that Monday (as in tomorrow) I go in for bloodwork. So what is the harm in telling them today? If I say I got a positive HPT and tomorrow it turns out I am not pregnant, then my friends/close family should know why I am suddenly a raving crazy beatch.  But could that really happen? Do HPTs show false positives or chemicals? Shouldn't I just feel good that I got a positive and go with that? It's not like I am telling my boss or anything...

But here's the gist of my dilemma: I am going to a party this afternoon with 3 families. Of the three, I started "trying" first. Then Granola-mom started trying for her second and after that Soccer-Chick-friend started trying. Well, Soccer-chick-friend is now 8 weeks pregnant. If the HPT is to be trusted, I suppose I am about 4 weeks pregnant (oh my God!). And I am just not sure how Granola-mom is because technically she isn't even my friend; I only know her through Soccer-chick-friend. But if this has been really hard on her, or if she received bad news recently, etc. I would feel really bad blindsiding her with my happiness. Wife says this is ridiculous and I need to worry less about other people. I do agree with her to a point. I realized how "off" I am when I wondered about posting about the positive HPT on this blog - on my blog. Really, I worried about all the women who's blogs I follow that haven't been doing well or getting good news, and I felt guilty for my good news. I know this is messed up. I don't know these women. I don't even know if any of these women read my blog, which was intended to be an online journal for me anyway. And yet I worried that I would be perceived as insensitive. Greedy. Self-centered. I know, I am so messed up! But the good news, perhaps even better than the possible (probable?) pregnancy is that I am really starting to come into my own. I am recognizing things much better, and I am not staying trapped in the old pattern.

So here I am, celebrating some really awesome news and whoop-whooping on the inside even if my exterior looks dazed.

Oh No - The Urge to POAS is Too Great

I think I may be pulled to the dark side today. I don't know if I can wait the three more days until Beta. Sad part is, I have no clue what day I am. I know they froze Day 2 embryos, then thawed the day before FET - so does that mean I had a Day 3 transfer? If so, I suppose today is 9dp3dt. Is that enough for the test to be somewhat accurate? I think it is right on the cusp. 9dp2dt sounds too early - but I think I will look around and see when others POAS. I only wish I could save my money and wait until Monday - but I am pretty sure that is not going to happen.

Giving Thanks to the Blog

For whatever reason, last night was tough. By the time I crawled into bed with Wife I was mopey. And yet again, I became sadder from failed communication with Wife. Here is our conversation:

Her: How are you?

Me: Fiiiiine (in totally passive I-am-not-really-fine, 5-syllable way)

Pause. Silence. And I realize she is not going to ask me to expand, and because I am trying to get out of expecting her to do things that aren’t in her nature, and if I want to connect with her more, I am going to have to reach out, I decide to risk it.

Me: I am worried – I don’t feel pregnant.

Her: Don’t. Don’t.

Pause. Silence while I think about whether I want to react to her “support” or just keep talking and tell her why I don’t feel pregnant. And while I am still contemplating my options….

Her: You should just think positively. The mind is really powerful. You need to stay positive. Good night.

So there I was in bed feeling totally alone and really, really sad. But then I remembered my blog. And how I could write about how I was feeling, and why I was feeling that way, and a whole multitude of other things. And I was so grateful for this blog. So here goes:

I am feeling scared. I am really worried that I am not pregnant again. My “symptoms,” which I presume are really side-effects of the progesterone, are spotty at best. Sometimes I am really nauseated, but not so much recently. I am getting pangs and cramps in my lower abdomen, but I got those last time too. My boobs don’t hurt. (Yes, one of my symptoms is a lack of symptom – so sue me!) And perhaps most importantly, I am not insanely tired. I was exhausted the first few days after transfer. Now I stay awake until 11 and still have trouble falling asleep. This stinks! 

I don’t feel positive anymore. I keep trying to remind myself that Maybe is a possibility. There is no need to feel Yes or No – but I am having such a hard time staying there! I have 4 more days. Yes, I do have to say that even with this little snit, I am still doing much better than last cycle. Overall I am much calmer. But crap – I just wish it would work so I could be pregnant already!!!

No news

I have to post quickly because my mom is coming in today from Chicago and I will not be able to post after she is here. And boy am I nervous! My mom, like most moms I suppose, has a very special was of getting under my skin and pushing my buttons. Luckily I am feeling pretty ok with myself right now, strong, surprisingly balanced, optimistic and even a little loving. I think this is going to be key to not crashing for the next few days.

On the baby-front, well no real news to report - still have to wait until Dec 6 for the first Beta. But it is funny how my brother called 2 days ago and my sister called yesterday to see what news I had. This is after feeling pretty sad that nobody had called me on transfer day, even though I had told them when it would be. When I talked with them on Thanksgiving, I actually had to bring the "getting pregnant" topic up myself - I mean, is it not on their minds 24/7 like it is on mine? The nerve! Actually, it is pretty cool that they want to talk with me about it at all, and I feel really lucky to have their support. I think it might be rare that a younger brother is interested in his sister's struggles to have a baby. (And have I mentioned that he is Girl and Boy's donor? He flew out every month for almost a year at his own expense to make this happen - what an amazing gift he gave!!! So it is a little extra cool that he is interested in this IVF experience even though he doesn't have as much of a critical role.) And my sister actually loaned us a few thousand to pay for the IVF (which I am happy to say I paid back yesterday when insurance sent a partial reimbursement - woo hoo!)

Anyway, I had a great talk with my sister last night - I need to remember to talk with her if I end up with three sticky embryos. She pointed out how if I had triplets I would "catch up with her" really, really quickly. And while 5 kids is certainly doable, she has a full-time nanny, a house cleaner 4 days a week and a personal assistant to help. And I wouldn't have these things. Having 3 more kids would be truly amazing - good and bad, but probably more bad than good. Well, I can't even begin to describe the ways it would make life so much harder and more narrow - so many things that we currently enjoy that we wouldn't be able to do anymore. But honestly, I am not sure what I would do -- could I choose to reduce? I am grossed out by the idea that the third fetus would remain in my uterus while the other 2 grew. Sister pointed out the fetus would be about the size of a grain of rice, so that helped, but seriously, I think I would always wonder if it was the right decision. Well, I am not going to worry about it unless I need to. (This is my new approach to life and it seems to be working!)

Meanwhile, Wife is being supportive after a particularly hard session with Couples Counselor last night, followed by semi-awkward dinner at a new less-than-yummy Thai restaurant. But today's texts indicate she is committed to being supportive and nicer and less defensive. Good news!

So maybe not exactly no news, afterall.

Thoughts on Wife

Oddly, I am very un-baby-minded today. I actually got work done at work (what a surprise!) I did not spend hours reading IF blogs, etc. And I don't really have much to say here now. On that subject anyway.

But I would like to clear my mind of thoughts regarding the other plague of my life right now: my often verbally abusive and otherwise mean wife. I need to say that I know my relationship with Wife is troublesome. Sometimes we get along great and I am so happy. I feel like I love her again. I can see us staying together happily. And sometimes, sadly oftentimes, this is not the case. So why do I want to have a baby with her? Certainly not to "save the relationship." No, I want to get pregnant because if I were on my own I would be doing it solo - it is the right time. And I believe that things can get better with Wife. And if they don't, I will leave her. But no matter what, she will be a great Mom to New Baby. Her being part of the process seems irrelevant in my mind.

But anyway, I discovered something while talking to my therapist today about Wife. It is highly likely that her abrasiveness is...I don't know exactly how to put it. Having spent time with her mom over Thanksgiving, it seems so much more clear to me that Wife had little choice than to create this harsh defensiveness around herself. And I think long ago she created this story of her mom being such a terrific mom to cover the fact that she was really neglected and criticized. She talks about how her mom worked 3 jobs just to put food on the table, and yet her mom also attended all of her high school softball games (who has time to do all that?) And her mom also stole food from the supermarket when they didn't have enough money to buy dinner, but why wouldn't they if she were working 3 jobs? And there is some very sketchy stories about an "uncle" doing very inappropriate things, but the details aren't really clear, including whether or not her mom knew about the "activity." I suppose I am writing this to recognize that Wife has created a way of being that works for her -- or worked for her. And instead of directly confronting her in a she-has-to-change way, it might be more productive to investigate whether this coping mechanism is serving her now. Oh, she is going to be so resistant! She does not like to talk about her emotions, she does not remember her childhood, she does not like to think that she could have "issues" to work on. But I think she is seriously depressed. And I don't think she likes being so cranky all the time. For my sake, I want her to feel better. I don't want to continue being the scapegoat or whipping-boy. But also for her sake, I want her to be happier. To feel better.

When talking with Therapist, I felt somewhat relieved discussing this, and somewhat overwhelmed. Relieved that, with a root to her actions and feelings, perhaps there is a way to alleviate the unpleasantness. Overwhelmed that I would have to approach the situation from the standpoint of caring about her. Because I am usually pretty tapped out on catering to her and positioning my opinion and presenting ideas "just so" and, basically, giving. I give to her a lot, probably too much. But after thinking about if this afternoon, I realized I do have a reserve of good will toward her. I do have more to give. And maybe it will help.

Of course, I still have to figure out the right time (and the right way) to approach this. I think now, with the holidays (and my loco Mom visiting tomorrow for Channukah) isn't the right time. But maybe the opportunity will present itself. And I will just have to keep my eyes and ears open.

In the meantime, I intend to get some work done.

Progesterone Capsule Advice

I forgot to ask earlier, does anyone have a good way to clean the applicator used for the progesterone "capsules" (aka suppositories)? I can barely reach all the gunk that gets on the inside of the tube, but it is a royal pain and it is really grossing me out.

Maybe

I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I will. I don't think I am pregnant. Somehow I need to make it through this last week of waiting without breaking down. And I was so sure. Now, I am holding on to a slim Maybe.

I spent the first few days after retrieval with a full house for Thanksgiving. I thought this would be great since Grandma and Aunt and Cousins could play with Kids while I rested or at least relaxed. Wrong! Silly Me! It was hectic. And I felt so nauseous. I had to eat every few hours and there was just so much to do, so I ended up just being cranky and generally feeling like crap. I hate that I get so excited to host people (family and friends) at our house but as soon as they get there, I start wondering when they will leave. This happened at the Halloween Party too. Am I just an awful person? I don't remember feeling this way before. Maybe it is just another side-effect of the hormones?

But anyway, last weekend I knew that my "symptoms" were too early. The embies hadn't even had time to implant and I was ill. So I figure it must have been lingering Progesterone running afoul in my system. It lasted for 3 days hard core, then a little more mellow the last few days. Now I feel almost nothing. No boobie tenderness. Some slightly cramping, but higher than where  imagine my ute must be. But really, I thought I would have this spiritual awareness or feeling of being pregnant, and I feel none. I feel very alone and empty.

I am trying to tell myself it isn't over yet. There are plenty of people who didn't feel pregnant, but in fact were. There is no universal way to feel during the first few days or weeks. It could still happen. I just can't say it loud enough to drown out the negative thoughts echoing in my head. IT COULD HAPPEN! IT COULD HAPPEN! "Maybe" is the best I can come up with.

This is not helped by the almighty Magic 8 Ball. When asked "Am I pregnant?" it replied "Maybe." I am petrified to ask it again. I just don't want to deal with the emotional turmoil a negative answer would start. It is like POAS too early. You can say the answer means nothing, but somehow it does. And I would never POAS right now. I know it would be silly - so why do I give this mindless computer programming the power to make me feel like crap? I am ridiculous and grasping at straws, looking for any possible positive encouragement.

And the blog world seems to have shifted as well - of bifurcated -- and I am just terrified to imagine which side I am going to be on next week. On one hand, there are some incredibly strong women dealing so openly and honestly with devastation. I cry for them, and know that I would not handle well what they are experiencing -- loss, missed opportunities/canceled cycles, BFNs, possible IVF hard-stops. It is almost overwhelming to read their struggles. Except that I can relate, on some level. The other side, the BFP side, is very foreign to me, and terrifies me even more. If it can happen for them, it could happen for me. So I must keep that option open. But if it happens for 2, 3 or 4 of them, does it make it less likely for me? I know this is ridiculous, but part of me worries that the sticky baby dust for the month has been used up. (I am not proud of this part of my thoughts...) So who am I going to join next week?

Does it matter that I will have my first Beta in December? That means a new month's reserve of sticky baby dust, right?
Maybe.

PUPO

Three beautiful embies in. May they plant and rest and make my uterus their home. Well, at least one of them. Two would also be nice. Please not three. Thanks.

24 hours and counting

I am actually a little giddy with anticipation. I am so excited for tomorrow's FET - and I am feeling so warm about the prospects. I keep repeating "It might work. It might happen. I could be pregnant at this time tomorrow." How cool is that?

I have noticed a few blogs refer to the Magic 8 Ball, and surprisingly it seems accurate quite often. So despite my ideas of not predicting the future and just letting things happen, I had to go check it out. Will I get pregnant tomorrow? Definitely. (Cue applause and jumping butterflies in stomach.)

Meanwhile, I am just waiting for the thaw report from the clinic. Yes, there are hints of negativity seeping in. It is almost noon and they usually call in the morning. Is this a sign? But I will not go there. I will get whatever news they have for me when they call, and there is no need for me to worry beforehand.

Likewise, our plan for taking care of Kids during tomorrow's procedure is derailed due to fevers and coughs. Our sitter is in the middle of finals, so who knows what we are going to do. But Wife says she is on it, and my attempts to help have been shunned - so I am going to check it off my list and not worry about it. Instead I will worry about whether I want to brave the rain for a yummy acai smoothie or whether I should eat in the cafeteria. (Oh the dilemmas!)

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Later in the day: Clinic called at 12:19 with good news. All 4 embryos survived the thaw. We will learn more tomorrow of course, but the plan is to transfer 3 and let the 4th grow, hopefully to blast and then refreeze. Although a tiny little part of me wonders why - This time is going to work so I won't need to others on ice. Right? Right!

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Still later in the day: I am dying here. I can't keep my mind on anything other than thinking about tomorrow. I am so excited! I am so ready! I really need to chill. How am I going to get through the TTW with this attitude. But I feel like it is the day before Christmas. I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and open up my presents. OK - concentrate. Focus. Think about the gnarly PIO shot you get tomorrow. Think about the speculum. Better. Steady now. Oh heck - it is no use. I am JAZZED!

48 hours and Counting

In less than 48 hours I will have between 1 and 3 lovely embryos inside me, fully PUPO and hopefully PUB. That's the plan anyway. And all I have to do is relax into it.

I was thinking this weekend about "going with the flow," which is...let's just say it is not my natural inclination. I am not a contrarian, and I generally try to avoid creating conflict - I am a People Pleaser. But I over analyze and worry and plan and doubt and thinkthinkthink about things way too much to be considered easy going. But I do have to say that I have started to mellow out considerably, and my personal philosophy has opened up some. I think.

But maybe I have been giving myself a little too much credit. I thought that my belief that things in life happen, that there is a reason for things, was pretty solid. Sure, I get mad, but then I look for a lesson or an advantage, and I try not to get too worked up. But this whole baby-making experience has shown me I was only partially open to what I (correctly or incorrectly) describe as a Zen way of being. I agreed things happen. Or things don't happen. And that is just the way it is, without judgment or punishment or much impact from my day-to-day actions. What I failed to see before, though, was my skewed reaction to this belief had me constantly looking for clues for what was about to happen (or not happen) and trying to guess what the future would bring. As though it were already written.

And I struggled to find clues because I didn't want to be the only one who didn't see what was obvious to everyone else. This is clearly a reflection of my messed-up youth. On the one hand, I saw my mom blindsided by whom she thought was one of her best friends, who was in fact having an affair with my dad and later became my step-mom. I know how hurt my mom was by the betrayal (from both dad and step-mom), but she also felt as though everybody else knew, and she was embarrassed further by being "clueless" about it. She used to talk to me a lot (even though I was only 7) about her feelings, and I think in some way her experience became my own. But this was also intensified by my mom's natural tendency to shoot down any positive feelings I had for a bright future. She sent a strong message of "why do you think something good is going to happen to you?" with an implied sense of unworthiness. But it wasn't as though good things didn't happen - they did! But I wasn't supposed to expect them or rely on them or hope for them - that would be greedy or presumptuous or foolhardy. Because I might be the only one who was thinking positive thoughts while everyone else was laughing behind my back, and that would NOT be good. So optimism, which I maintain is still my natural outlook on life, was taught out of me.

And the future became slightly hopeless - in the sense that hope had very little to do with it. I suppose I viewed destiny like a Choose Your Own Adventure book. The pages in the book were already written and I had some personal choice as to what order I chose to read the pages, and whether I hit good pages or scary pages, but the story (and ending) were essentially already written. Now I feel my mind is developing and I have a much wider view of destiny. What is going to happen will happen, but it is not predetermined. It is more like this blog - I don't know where it is going when I start a post, and I don't know where all the posts are going until I am able to look back and reread a few in sequence.

So in less than 48 hours am I going to be pregnant? I don't know. But it is a serious possibility. And only time will tell.

Mimes and Infertility

There is a radio commercial right now (for Geico - so you get the randomness of it all) that asks if Mimes are less creepy on the radio. And somehow this got my mind to thinking - mimes and infertility are so alike. OK, maybe not. Mimes are annoying, and so is infertility. But there is something I can learn from mimes: inner confidence. Have you ever seen a mime not totally committed to their art? A mime in the middle of a show can show no self-doubt. And this is what I intent to project as I go toward FET.

The truth is that there is a much greater possibility that it won't work. But I can't focus on that. I have to ignore what others think or say and cling to the possibility that it might work. It just might work. Not because I did anything right or because I am a good person or because I deserve it. It might just work because it did.

Sometimes I feel like it is silly for me to believe it might work, as if there is so much evidence that it won't work, and people might make fun of me for having faith in the face of low probability. And this is when I think of the mime, performing even though so many people find them creepy. I am certainly no more "out there" than that.

Hypochondria setting in...

I talked with the clinic twice already today and seriously considered a third time. First, I wasn't sure of the dosage on my estrogen shot. It was not written down anywhere since it was added later. Quick call told me I already knew the answer. (BTW, shot in butt was NOT nice this morning. Super sting and soreness. Oh well.) Second call was to discuss preponderance of vaginal mucous (TMI anyone?) Isn't that supposed to happen when I ovulate? Is something throwing my body into a crazy state and I am not going to make it to transfer on Wednesday?!? Quick call told me it is perfectly normal due to extra estrogen. As long as I am on Lupron, nothing is going to happen down there before they want it to. And third call? Well, it hasn't happened, and it is not going to happen, but part of me is petrified I have a blood clot. My left calf is so achy and sore - and it kinda came out of nowhere. It feels numb and my foot is freezing cold. Of course I immediately jumped to blood clot, and was dismayed to learn that estrogen therapy can be a cause of clots, but I only have one "symptom" so I am letting it ride. I am sure it is just bad circulation. It could even be a pinched nerve. But I doubt it is anything that will lead to a fatal pulmonary embolism. Right?

I know I am going to be a crazy hypochondriac when I am pregnant. Kicks will make me feel like I have a broken rib. No kicks will make me worry about the pregnancy's viability. Heartburn leading to an asthma attack leading to an ER visit in the middle of Nowhere, Michigan was just the tip of the iceberg. Hope Wife is sympathetic.

Meanwhile I continue to wake up from the hormone-induced depression. I am taking care of all the personal and work responsibilities I have been barely managing. And all of a sudden I am quite overwhelmed by how much is on my to-do list. Note to self: when taking a break from life, please try to check in  more often. Going 4 weeks (or more) without more than baseline attention really leaves you in a pile at the end.

Finally, I want to mention that I am visualizing this FET working. I was at my desk today thinking about how I am going to tell people. That's a good sign, right?

Because I said I would

Today is very hectic and I hardly have anything to say anyway. I am actually enjoying the time not thinking about FET, getting pregnant or IF. So instead I will give a summary of what I am up to these days. I am packing up my cube because I am getting an office as of tomorrow. I had and AFS meeting yesterday to drum up volunteers to rebuild the program in the community. Very cool to be among the front lines, even if I don't have the bandwidth to be leading any charges right now. But about to spend lunch and afternoon at Professional Association Board Meeting. Not sure if I should tell them when I sign up for role for next year that I fully expect to be on maternity leave at some point in the near future. (Honestly, should probably resign from the Board for next year, but that would be jinxing it I am sure.) Then date night with Wife. Come back tomorrow to new office and lots of positive vibes. Woo hoo!

Changing Perspective

I am finally starting to piece together this hodge podge feeling that I am approaching this attempt at getting pregnant incorrectly. The truth is I really want to be pregnant. I want to feel a baby grow inside me. I want to provide for this baby, or even these babies. I want the bump. And as much as I will deny this later, I want the nausea, aches and pains. I want to be pregnant.

But that is all about me.

And I am getting hints that the process really isn't, or at least it shouldn't, be about me. Being pregnant is a means to an end -- the way that a new being joins the world. The few spiritual people I have talked with about IF have hinted loudly that I will become pregnant when a spirit decides he or she wants to come into the world and be my child. And there is a spirit baby out there for me, and this pregnancy is about her. (I am going to continue with "her," because I do feel a female spirit baby vibe.)

So whether this upcoming FET works or not doen't depend on me doing the right thing or not. If it doesn't work, it is not because I don't deserve it or because I did something wrong. My spirit baby just wasn't ready yet. It wasn't the right time for her to join the world yet. And only she knows when the right time is.

Re-reading this so far makes me sounds all spiritual and new age. And I am not. And I don't know how much of what I wrote I actually believe. But I do know that it makes me feel better. News from others going trough IVF and FETs right now is not good. I am so sad for these women, my heart aches and my minds cowers - it scares me! So putting a little faith in a spirit baby, taking some pressure off myself, surrendering to the idea of what-will-be-will-be, is helpful.

Oops - it ended up being all about me again. Well, at least I am trying!

Like Pulling Teeth

I had a great weekend and I am still feeling optimistic about the transfer in a few weeks. Headaches are just small annoyances, probably more a reflection of the fact that I need glasses than anything having to do with hormones. So I think I am going to let it ride because the thought of creating a whole post about how I am doing right now just sounds so unappealing.

OK, I will just mention that I am collecting a list of several blogs that I enjoy reading but I keep going back to Hope Springs' blog about a Support Network and I think I will need to address this one soon. But right now I am too busy thinking about the upcoming holidays and the fun things I have planned for the next few weekends. 

And woo hoo - I just added my first link! I think I may be an official blogger yet!

Feeling like a Champ

I have nothing but positive energy to share today. I feel great. I am happy. I am optimistic about LOTS of things, including my relationship with Wife, my job and the upcoming FET. It is amazing what a little estrogen shot in the ass can do! (BTW, when I actually go through menopause, I think I am going to be a very good candidate for hormone replacement therapy 0 may no one have to be around me when my natural estrogen shuts off - yikes!)

So I am just looking forward to spending time with my family this weekend, seeing friends and feeling good. Woo hoo!

Holy Optimism, Batman - Who is this Positive Woman?

Guess who is feeling excited and positive about this FET? Me! Holy cow - woo hoo - and yippie!!!

Several things have finally fallen into place. I wish I could do the transfer tomorrow because I am feeling THAT good. But I will wait and let this grow - build a foundation of positive vibes. To summarize recent actions that helped buoy my mood:

(1) I sent a text to Wife to thank her for taking care of Kids the other night. She texted back and told me it was (a) not a big deal, and (b) she felt bad that she didn't finish by taking care of me - by giving me a big hug and letting me know it would be alright - that we were in it together and she loves me very much, etc. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

(2) Wife also offered to wake up 2 mornings a week to take care of Kids while I sleep in. Since they have been waking up at 5:30 due to end of Daylight Savings, this is a HUGE relief. And such a positive sign that Wife is making effort to support me, and given how much she hates waking up early, this sacrifice is awesome.

(3) Great couple's counseling session where I shared my anxieties and felt heard and more supported. Yes, some of my fears are irrational. Some of my reactions are hormonal. But all this is natural for where I am and what I/we are going through. So it was good. I also was able to laugh at myself some. Thank you!

(4) Super appointment with RE this mornings. First, we got to see Dr. Positive And Nice (sounds lame, but those are the qualities that stick out and are so important to me right now -- from here on out, He will be Dr. PAN). What a relief after Dr. Personality who berated my ovary, belittled my sperm and gave little hope that future cycles would work. Not Dr. PAN - he is so excited about this FET. He knows it is going to work. He is excited about their FET success rate, particularly for women my age. He responded well to my question about why we are doing a day2 transfer rather than a day5 - convinced me anyway (with some blah blah about a study at Yale...). He was very animated about what we have going for us, especially after looking at the TRIPLE STRIPE 11mm uterine lining I am sporting. Yes, Me! And we are still 13 days away from transfer. (Sorry, wish I know what cycle day this was, but I lost count of all that long ago. Only know he wanted to see at least 8mm.) I got a picture of my lovely uterus.

But perhaps the best part is...
(5) I got an estrogen shot. Sure, that sucker hurt "just a tad" as it went into my ass, but I am so ready for these headaches to be over. My estrogen level was a mere 89, while on 2 patches, so now I am going to remove said patches, and get a shot every 3.5 days. No more sticky goo! And so looking forward to no more headaches!

And in 2 weeks - so looking forward to being PUPO but on my way to being PUB (my new acronym - Pregnant Until Birth)!

Why Why Why?

Last night I cried myself to sleep at 8pm. I had a killer Lupron headache and slight Vivelle nausea. Thankfully Wife took over my job and put Kids to bed as I lay in bed feeling pathetic and cranky and hopeless. And I realized something: I made a terrible mistake. I want my $20,000 back. Forget this whole baby-making thing. I should have spent the money on a kickin' vacation, maybe a few vacations, and our heating bill and baby sitting -- why did I think that getting pregnant was so important? Because if my some fluke I do get pregnant, I am not (ever) going to be able to stay in bed with a headache while Wife puts the kids to bed. I will be busy with new kid, or kids! There will be no such thing as "me time" or other things I really value, such as sleep and relaxing. And for this I paid $20,000???

Perhaps this is what everyone meant when they asked if now was the best time to get pregnant. Damn concerned people who know things better than I do! But what to do now?

LATER IN THE DAY....
After spending the better part of the last 3 hours reading other IF blogs, I have decided to find Hope. I will be Optimistic. I will consider everything I am doing naturally to be part of creating just the right environment for my baby to join us. I am enough, and what I am doing is Right. Even what I am not doing is Right. It is going to work!

Conversation with Sister

I was talking with my sister yesterday - a really overdue catch-up since we haven't talked in about 4 weeks, which is long at this point in our lives - and while the conversation was fine, I was left with an uneasy feeling afterward. Really, anyone going through infertility should not be talking with a sister who is 4 years older (over 40) and pregnant with baby #6, conceived on CD6 - oops! But let me back up.

Last night I was telling Sister that I was having a hard time with balance. I wanted to do everything possible to support getting pregnant, but I was starting to feel overwhelmed with everything that I was doing. She said she understood, but at a certain point it is about managing stress, and if eating all the right (or crazy) things at the right (or crazy) time was creating more stress, then perhaps it wasn't worth it. And I agree. But what she doesn't really get, as an uber-fertile, is the possible guilt and blame that I will feel if I choose not to follow this new regimen and I don't end up pregnant. It is so hard to make the choice to take it easy, even though that sounds so obvious, because then it seems like I am slacking/not motivated (and possibly not deserving?). In my heart, I don't feel like the chia seeds or probiotics are doing anything for me. But I haven't yet completely confirmed that I will give them up (although it is likely).

The other thing Sister is trying to be helpful about but doesn't get...When she was trying for baby #5, she got pregnant on the third month of trying. This was the first time she didn't get pregnant on the first try. So now she understands how disappointing it can be to get a BFN. Yes. And No. I really appreciate the fact that she is trying to empathize with me - but really, does a BFN mean the same thing to somebody who got pregnant 4 times already, each from the first unprotected sex? I don't know, but I have to think that she was nowhere near the "it'll never happen" feeling the way I am. (And yes, I realize that I am walking a fine line because I already have Kids, so other people dealing with IF who don't have kids may be saying the same thing about me - but in my defense, I have kids though my wife, and while they really are my kids, I want to be pregnant and have kids through me - is that asking for too much?) And of course I can't blame Sister for not getting it - I wish nobody got it. But here I am tearing up because, truly, I am petrified that it'll never work. That I won't ever get pregnant, I won't get to feel life growing inside of me. That I don't have what it takes to be nourishing, to sustain and provide for a budding child.

Have I mentioned lately that I hate these hormones? What a pathetic worrier/downer/mess! Man I wish I could feel more positive!

On the other hand, I want to thank Sister for letting me talk. I think sometimes it is hard for her to be pregnant and hear me talk about wanting it so much. She knows she has it and I want it and yet it's not like she can share it. And it is nice to feel absolutely no hard feelings about her being pregnant. (I am actually a little surprised about how I am not jealous of pregnant women in general - I guess I know it is not like there are a finite number of pregnancies and what they have doesn't take away from me. I am jealous of people who blog about how much they LOVE their partner and are so blessed to be going through IF with their best friend, blah blah - ick! Kills me every time - but not what I want to write about now.)

Honestly, I think I need a break. Oh - I hate these hormones!

Searching for un-pessimism

Sunday I increased the dosage to 2 estrogen patches. Side-effects include headaches, nausea and loss of appetite. Should I call the clinic to report or just accept it. It is not like they are going to change the protocol, so I really don't see the point. Wife doesn't agree, but this is my decision, right?

So I give myself a C+ so far on following the herbalist's recommendations.
- I am doing great on dinner for breakfast, but I think that may have something to do with loss of appetite. I am just not hungry at lunch time then.
- I have been eating a lot of red meat, but I couldn't stomach the cost for grass-fed and organic meats. So just organic will have to do.
- I am drinking about 8 oz of water with chia seeds (instead of the 16 oz recommended).
- I have been drinking the evening tea, even though it is DISGUSTING!
- I have been taking the enzyme with only about half my meals. I keep forgetting. Even still, it seems to be helping as my "digestion" is much more active.
- I have taken the probiotic each evening and it too is pretty gross - it goes down quickly if I take my vitamins with it.
The issue I see is that I have been doing this for 3 days and already it seems like a big pain. I have 2.5 more weeks and while I am hoping I will get into a routine, I feel it is more likely that I will give this all up as an unnecessary burden. I don't feel more energetic (yet?) and I don't feel more fertile (yet?) and I don't feel more connected to "Alison" (yet?). Quite possibly a $200 waste of time and money. (Sure, compared to IVF, $200 doesn't sound like much, but we could certainly use it in our regular household budget.)

On a more positive note, I had a really nice date with Wife on Friday - it had been too long since we got along for an entire evening. We went to a movie (where I gave my evening Lupron injection during a dark scene) and then out for sushi. I am hoping that I won't be able to eat sushi for several months starting in a few weeks, so I better get my fill now. I told wife about Alison, and she surprised the heck out of me by not freaking out or calling me a dork or anything mean or negative. She started talking about names and it was fun to imagine what it will be like when we have another child. Of course the conversation steered mostly to the idea of having more children, but I shared how I was afraid if I got my hopes up about twins I might be disappointed if we"only got one," as if that would ever be a bad thing. And surprise of all surprises, she understood and let it go. It was a really nice evening.

We had a few snits over the weekend, but in general I am feeling cautiously un-pessimistic about our relationship. And that is a nice improvement. I am hoping to upgrade my feelings about this FET cycle to un-pessimistic soon. I have 2.5 weeks to get my mind in gear, to drop the fear, to ditch the negativity and stress.

Because I want IT

Today has been about tackling my inner demons regarding getting pregnant now. Multiple signs point to this not being the right time. And yet I persist. I want to be pregnant and I want to be pregnant now. Actually, when my acupuncturist asked, "Are you sure now is the best time to get pregnant?" I should have answered "No! The best time was three months ago, or even last year when we started trying - but this will do as a back-up plan."

I think I am still cranky.

I will continue to blame the hormones.

So back to my day. I met with an acupuncture/herbalist. He took a very detailed history (I don't think I have talked to anyone that much about my poo -- and I have 3-year-old twins so there is a lot of poo talk for competition -- but even so, today wins) and gave me a long prescription. Well, actually, first he asked if there was any way to push the transfer back, because he would love to work with me for longer than 3 weeks to really get my energy where it needs to be. Ouch! I am trying hard not to focus on the implied message - my energy is not going to be where it needs to be. Instead I am going to jump-start my Chi by doing the following:
- Eat dinner for breakfast: eat heartily in the morning, lots of red meat and soups with bone broths
- Drink an evening tea every night
- Take digestive enzymes with every meal
- Take probiotics with my prenatal and fish oil every evening
- Drink slippery chia seed water between meals
- Go to sleep earlier each evening
And honestly, when looking at this list, I wonder is this really going to make a difference? Will the embies implant because I have done these things? Will they not stick if I don't? All of a sudden I feel like I am behind the 8-ball and I have a lot of work to do, and perhaps if I don't get pregnant it will be my fault because I didn't go to sleep early enough or I ate too many "empty calories" or I just have crappy Chi. And really, he wanted more time anyway. And I said I want it now.

So then I rushed to lunch with a friend, which I was really looking forward to because it has been way too long since I sat with a friend, without distractions. Sadly we only had about 30 minutes because I had to run back to the office and actually do some work. So I didn't get to tell her how much I was struggling emotionally or explain how terrible I feel about being such a cranky, downer nellie. I didn't get to pick her brain about the Halloween party. I didn't get to say how much I appreciated her candor, even in asking me if now was the right time to get knocked up - and I feel a little bad for reacting kinda strongly. I am so happy that we met for the quick lunch, but I feel like it just picked at the tip of the iceberg and I have so much more I need to connect with someone on.

Part of me is just so confused right now. After our several at-home attempts and one IUI, it was somewhat of a relief for me to learn we had male factor infertility issues. It explained things for me - I didn't think I would have an issue getting pregnant, and then I had a nice little explanation that fit with my view of things. So when we did IVF I was so sure it would work. And then it didn't. Does this mean I have fertility issues? Does one failed IVF make me infertile, or just unlucky? I know, why does it really matter what label I wear? I don't know, but for some reason I am stuck on it. That and the fact that I have Kids, so shouldn't I be happy? Couldn't I be done? Am I just being greedy to try to get pregnant myself - to have my turn? Why am I going through all this emotional torture?

Because I want IT. And I want it now.

Please.

Man up!

I am back again today because I said I would, but I have nothing to report. I started the Estrogen yesterday and I have had the worst headache all day today. I hope they aren't related because I really don't want to spend the next several weeks feeling like this. I am sad, feeling unconnected, totally blah.

I am reading tons of websites/blogs (I really need to do more work!) and I keep running across other people say how hard it is to deal with infertility. Every time I read a sentence to that effect, a little part of my heart cries. I am trying so hard to be positive and say it doesn't matter - that I will be pregnant at some point. But really, I am emotionally spent. I have a much better understanding of what Wife went through 4 years ago when we did IVF for her. I honestly don't know how she coped because I know she didn't reach out to me, friends or the Internet. She kept everything inside, so it is no wonder she became a toxic mess. Then her struggles with breastfeeding only added to her self-doubt and emotional roller coaster. I only wonder if it is too late to reset her Mother/Provider meter. Is this the karmic lesson I am supposed to learn?

Overall I have to say that karma is kicking my ass. I thought it would be so easy for me to get pregnant - it isn't. I thought I would be able to obsess less about this FET - I can't. I am so out of balance right now. I am not connected with friends, I am ready to kill Wife, I am barely doing my job and I feel like crap. I even got mad a t Kids last night for not falling asleep, and I had been doing so much better about not getting mad at them! My boss just came into my office a little while ago to check in on me - he sensed I was stressed and just wanted to see if I was alright. That was really nice of him. It wins him brownie points even if I still think he stinks as a boss and he makes my work life so much harder. But it does get him something.

I seriously need a night off. I wonder if I could call home and request some alone time. How much whoop-ass would that raise? Should I do it anyway? I know it would be better for both of us in the long run. And I know it is a sad, sad sign that I am afraid to ask Wife if I can come home late. Come on Me, man up! (Wish me luck...)

Grrrr - Beware

OMIGOD I am so cranky today. I am in such a grumpy mood and beware anyone who comes in my path. I am seriously thinking about going home early because I am snapping at my boss so bad - I don't want to get fired. Seriously though, he is such a dumb-a**. And I hate how he talks: "Umm, so this needs to go there too" As if I can read his mind and know what "this" is and where "there" is. A little detail please! And is it too much to ask that he stop eating before he calls me. I am so sick of hearing him chew and slurp his food over the phone. Gross!

Tonight is going to be so not nice at home. I just feel like growling. At everyone.

Alison

I have been talking to my "spirit baby" a lot recently. I know this is out-there for most people, but it is really helping me feel focused on my goal without stressing me out. It gives my baby-making energy and anxiety something to focus on. I see an acupuncturist who saw my spirit baby above my right shoulder, glowing yellow. Since then I have been referring to her as Alison.

Alison is such a gentle soul. I imagine a purple thread connecting my heart to hers. I am trying to convince her to get ready to jump into an egg - her turn to be born is coming up. She seems reluctant right now, like she would rather wait. I hope I can convince her that now is really a good time. I also tell her she can bring a friend if she wants. I think she is considering it.

Meanwhile, I still have yet to find my own Hoo-Haa on this pregnancy attempt. I am just not feeling positive about it - probably fear-based worrying. I start the Vivelle patches tomorrow. These are new for me - can't wait to see what side effects I get. Perhaps some optimism and excitement?

In other family matters, I have been mentally drafting a letter to Girl and Boy (one letter each) telling them what they are into at this point in time. I wish I had done it sooner. I think about going back and filling in past stories. I have so much great material and so much I want to tell their future selves - if only I could get the letters out of my head and onto paper. How long do you think it is going to take before someone invents a mind-reading stenographer, so I can think my thoughts and have them written down for prosperity. What a way to make blogging easier. Until then, I will just have to set a deadline and get to it!

Nice/Not-Nice

So my goal is to write every day weekday workday in November. I think it will help me stay sane - and I need something so I don't kill leave Wife. Plus Kids aren't sleeping again and we are oh so tired. And the Lupron is making me headache-y and tired and cranky.

So today I want to comment on Wife's ability to upset me with a simple comment or question. I just don't understand how we can communicate so differently, and I certainly don't know what to do about it. I don't want to tell her how to talk or what she is allowed or supposed to say. But I also don't want her to continue talking to me the way she is, because it just upsets me. There is a nice way and a not-nice way to get the same point across. Guess which way she uses...

Nice: Are you feeling ok?
Not-Nice: Why are you so cranky?

Nice: What's wrong?
Non-Nice: What's wrong with you?

Nice: Is something the matter?
Not-Nice: Why are you being such an ass?

Nice: Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?
Not-Nice: Why don't you just go home?

Nice: Do you have another headache?
Not-Nice: Why do you have that look on your face?

The list goes on. But I won't.

Bye-Bye Pill

I have been off birth control for 3 days now and I can't believe the world of difference it has made on my outlook. I need to sit down and reflect on how crazy I have been the last few weeks - the emotional roller coaster that hormones have sent me on - just in case I need to go on the pill again (please no!). So here is a letter to me:

Me,
When you are on the Pill, everything seems larger and worse than it is. You have a tendency to snowball events. Your responses are legitimate, but your reactions are exaggerated - you spiral. This is not to say that you are wrong; your feelings are honest and true and very profound. This is to remind you to try, as much as possible, to keep your response contained to what upset you.

For example, last Saturday when Wife put 8 ounces of juice for the Kids when you both agreed to use only 4. Suddenly you knew she was untrustworthy. You doubted her respect for you. You were certain your marriage was doomed and Wife was a raving B. You cried. You were angry for hours. You didn't even talk to her about it because you knew you would blow up. I can tell you, now that I am no longer on the Pill, this does not seem like such a big deal. Maybe she forgot. Maybe she felt because the Kids were sick they needed some extra calories or sugar or both. Maybe she hasn't been respecting the agreement for 4 oz, but even that is ok. Just talk to her about it and try again. From this non-Pill viewpoint, it is about juice - and juice is not that big a deal.

Now if you are in this situation again, I wish you strength and courage. You don't have to discount your feelings and reactions - it is ok to be upset. But try to manage the disappointment and sadness. Take a deep breath and ask yourself if your reaction is doomsday - if so, you are probably overreacting. Follow your own advice tot he Kids and "use your words". In general, not on the Pill, you tend to address situations head-on. Faced with a sudden stressful situation, you collect your energy and zap-zap things like a superhero. You dodge when you have to, attack when necessary. You do not stand victim in the corner. (If you are cowering and playing victim, you are probably being overly dramatic.)

And good luck! It is a phase and you will get through it!

Love,
Me

Sham IVF clinic?

A few days (weeks?) ago I posted that I needed to stop reading other people's blogs and get on with my life. That lasted a few hours? Since then I have gone severely downhill and I may need an intervention. Because what I am finding is freaking me out. Is it possible I am using a sham IVF clinic?

Evidence 1: The rating system my clinic has for embryos, as explained and documented in an earlier post (I would love to learn how to link to it someday). I can't find this 4-rating system with 2 being the best anywhere! Maybe the doc made it up?

Evidence 2: The clinic's preference for a day-2 transfer. Everywhere else I look, especially at the successful IVF situations, uses a day-5 transfer. And when I asked the doc about this, he told me that research shows day-2 transfers are more successful. Not my research!

Evidence 3: The clinic did not give me a picture of my embryos. Granted, I forgot to ask. But when Wife did IVF, she was given a picture of the embryos automatically. Gee!

Evidence 4: The clinic says what you want to hear, but isn't always consistent. OK, maybe this isn't that different in a "real" clinic, but I wanted to vent about it anyway. Seriously, the doctor said it was an easy procedure to extract sperm under anesthesia if the more common donation method didn't show any swimmers. But when we did get some swimmers, doctor changed his tune and praised the fact that we avoided a painful procedure. Just doesn't instill confidence and trust.

Add to this some really fishy stuff about my doctor (the young, nice one) saying he would be out of the office/country for one week, maybe two, because his daughter was playing in a World Cup qualifying tournament for Trinidad and Tobago's women's soccer team. And then he was MIA for two months! A quick look at the Soca website (again, link would be cool) says the dates don't line up.

Finally, and for this I take total responsibility, I selected the clinic based on a radio commercial! I didn't check any of their references. I didn't check any medical degrees or doctor backgrounds. I liked the location (being only 45 minutes away) and the fact that they would see my donor on a Saturday. What a ridiculous reason to choose something that costs over $20,000! (I scoured the Internet for reviews when I bought my toaster - why would I not do that for this???)

So here's where the dilemma comes in. Do I keep asking questions and see what kind of creative answers (aka crap) the clinic spews or do I just shrug it off an move on? I have pre-paid for 2 IVF cycles, and I have no other money. It is not like I have a lot of options. It is just so weird!

Random Update

Today I took my last Birth Control Pill -- let's just hope the upcoming embryo transfer is successful so I never have to take birth control again! I am dreading the next stage: Lupron only. During the egg retrieval process, I got the worst headaches on Lupron only. I was so ouchy. I reminded Wife of this yesterday when I let her in on how injections were going and her response was, literally, "Great!" with two thumbs up and cheesy grin. I suppose it could have been worse.

I am trying really hard to be hopeful, but really I am not. At first I thought it was because I was scared to be hopeful, and I would rather be pleasantly surprised than disappointed again. But I don't think that is it - I am truly not hopeful that it will work. What evidence do I have? Only 18 months of trying. Now I know that the first 12 months didn't work because of sperm issues, and the next 6 months consisted entirely of 1 (yes 1!) IVF attempt, so there isn't really a track record here. In fact, there is no evidence to support my feeling that it won't work. So I have to change my thinking. I do believe in the power of the mind on the body. So somehow I need to concentrate on the lack of evidence, on the lack of a reason to think it won't work. It really could work. I mean, it will work?

I scoured the Internet yesterday looking for a blog about a lesbian who got pregnant from a Frozen Embryo Transfer. I spent a little over an hour. I found a lot of interesting blogs that I might look into more later, but no FET success story. Finally I emailed a friend that I knew was pregnant (second child) from IVF, and it reassured me to learn that hers was an FET. So obviously it can happen. (On a side note, I just found out another friend is pregnant. I am trying really hard to be happy for her - I mean, I am happy for her, really excited, but I am trying really hard not to be sad for me at the same time.)

Meanwhile, I continue to lack direction and focus at work or home. And I would really like a few hours to myself. Hmm...I wonder how I can work that in.

Can I Let it Go?

A few days ago (two days ago to be exact) I tried to make the resolve to be happy. To recognize that I have a lot to be happy about, and I can focus on that rather than dwell on what is not going well or worse yet, what might not go well.
It is amazing how a morning with two dogs, two cats and two 3.5 year olds can sap that resolve right out of you. Instead I have spent the morning wondering how I got in this situation. (I should have gotten rid of the demanding, farting, barfing animals years ago.) And will my children always be this whiny? Why do they break down and cry so much? Am I doing something wrong? Did I make a bad choice letting Wife stay home and take care of them? Because she is not the brightest bulb, so it is no surprise that they are not the smartest children. I get all wrapped up -- they are still young and they don't need to know their letters or sounds or even their numbers (which they used to know but don't anymore) yet. What they need is a desire to learn -- which I am not sure they have. OK, they don't even need that. They can be less-smart children and do fine. It is just harder that way. But seriously, how can I expect them to flourish with someone who didn't know New Jersey was a state, who doesn't know the colors in a rainbow and can't remember if the time change to Chicago is "up" or "down" even though we go there at least once a year and often more. BUT! There are smart people who come from less-than-inspiring parents all the time, and the reverse is true too --- so why am I stressing about this???
I know it is ridiculous. I know there is nothing I want to do about it (I don't believe in shoving learning down kids' throats). Can I just let it go? I am going to blame this freak-out on the Pill and Lupron. Woo hoo!

Long Story Short

Illness has been kicking my butt. I have no voice, I have a huge headache and every-so-often snot runs willy-nilly out of my nose. It is not pretty. Add to this two sick Kids and one sick Wife and it might be clearer why I am disturbed. I can't sleep. I can't stay awake.

Yet there is so much to report. I just can't tell if I should give the glowing "everything is great blog" version or the "woe is me blog" version. Hmmm...I'll try to just stick to the facts.

Wife ran the Nike Women's Marathon last weekend. She went to San Francisco on Friday, and I spent my first night solo with the Kids. Isn't that funny - I have never been alone with them overnight. Wife has only left them for 2 nights in 3 years, ad both were only to spend time alone with me. Well, nothing exciting happened. I was already sick so I didn't even get to have fun. I just fed and bathed the Kids, put them to bed and went to sleep myself. Ho hum. (Guess it is better than some scary or sad story, so I will take it. But I did spend a bit of time walking up and down the hall thinking "Is this it? Did I forget something?" It seemed kinda easy...)

The next morning Kids and I went to San Francisco and the drive was very educational for Boy, who learned the when you pass a car on his side, they are in the Wrong Lane. He was in a maniacal "why" mode -
Me: You were born in San Francisco.
Boy: Why?
Me: We used to live in San Francisco.
Boy: Why?
Me: We are almost there.
Boy: Why?
Me: Is anyone hungry?
Boy: Why?
It was driving me insane! Not to be outdone, Girl was in rampant "are we there yet" mode. She got smart to the "Does it look like we are there yet?" response by saying "Yes, I see the hotel - Mom, why aren't you stopping?" and then tears. Kids were sick too, so nobody had too much fun on the drive. Still, could have been worse. Only 1 potty stop!

So we all (Me, Kids and Mother-in-Law) stayed with Wife in the city for the weekend. At the onset, we did not know how many germs had traveled with us, intent on keeping us up all night, but we jammed into the hotel room and made it a party. It was actually really fun to be back in the city. It felt good to know my way around and feel like I was at my home -- it was in contrast to Wife's friends from home who seemed like Fish-out-of-water and Wife who was cranky about it. (She always hated downtown.)

On Saturday we went to a pre-run dinner where Boy fell asleep due to lack of nap and fever, while Girl was alternately hyper/smiley and crashing/whiney. I took both Kids (in stroller) to the back while Wife and MIL got motivated. It was kinda funny to be in the back with all the dads watching the kids go crazy. We got good sleep from 11 - 2, then it was lots of coughing, crying, peeing until Wife got up at 3:50 to get ready for her race. She left at 4:30 and I was hoping for more sleep but was thwarted by wet pull-up at 5:15 and awake Kid at 6:25. Soon we were all awake for the day.

I made sure everyone had instructions before heading out to see Wife on her journey. I saw her briefly at mile 14, from across the street at a red light as she passed through the park. She was running and looking good. I was pissed it took me so long to find parking that I'd missed her. So I drove on and after a bit of a struggle, found another spot not too far from mile 17. I stood in the rain waiting for her, dreading that she had already passed me. As I waited, the time when she definitely should have made mile 17, based on when she was at 14, passed. Then a little more time passed. Sure, it had started raining pretty hard but Wife was definitely slowing down.

Eventually she made it to mile 17 (and I say eventually not because she was slow, but because I was cold and worried - she did an amazing job!) and I asked if she wanted me to run a bot with her. Her face lit up, so I did. I had planned all these things to say to her to keep her on track, focused and not mad at me. And it worked! I have always felt that if Wife's labor had gone past a few hours, I would have died. I felt so useless beside her laboring. I would tell to to "Just breathe" and she would give me this look like "don't say another f-ing thing, I am ready to beat you Woman!" and then I would be quiet and the nurse would look at me like "Do something - are you a sack of potatoes?" Wife was simply miserable and I was quite ineffective in helping her. Not so at the marathon. I distracted her. I motivated her. I stuck with her for 9.2 miles and helped her finish in time to get the Necklace - the prize for finishing within 8 hours. Yes, that is right. Wife ran for 7 hours and 55 minutes. She was very tired at the end and hurting Big Time, but she did it. And I helped her. That feels great!

But I do have to point out that I am a bit impressed at myself too. I have not exercised in at least 6 months - and by exercise I mean do anything! I have been to the gym MAYBE 20 times in the past 5 years. Yes, it has been that long. I used to play soccer. But after 5 ACL injuries and 10 knee surgeries, I don't do any of that anymore. And yet I ran 9 miles. Sure I am a little sore, but I wasn't even that tired. I know I could have done a half marathon - with no training. Is that weird? Can most people do it but they don't know it? Sure, we weren't going that fast either. But distance is distance, right? OK, I am proud of myself.

But back to the weekend. Because that afternoon, I ramped up to SuperMom status by bringing Kids and MIL back to hotel (Wife took shuttle) and then going out to get lunch for everyone - then taking care of Kids while Wife and MIL rested, making sure MIL had everything organized to take care of Kids while I took Wife to post-run party, where she drank so much she doesn't remember getting back to the hotel. (So sad that we had nice snuggly moments on the walk back that she will never remember....) And I pulled night duty taking care of crying, peeing Kids again. And next morning I took care of Kids and packed while Wife and MIL stayed in bed. So it really is no wonder that I lost SuperMom status due to excessive crankiness just before leaving the city to return to work. With laryngitis. And a fever.

And that is how the last 2 days have been, except that I get to start Lupron injections tomorrow morning for the FET the day before Thanksgiving. So over a month on Lupron - no thrills for anyone there. But really what I have been trying to say this whole post is that I deserve for this to work. It is Wife's turn to take care of me. I am a busy women with a good heart, and I am ready to be pregnant for a while. Thanks.

On the Road to Something Good

I am forcing myself to write today although I don't "feel" the need. I am actually resistant to writing. I had bad news on the baby-front. They weren't going to let me do the Frozen Embryo Transfer until December 9 - and that is just too far away! So I complained and just today found out they can move me up to November 24. Still a ways away but overall makes me happier. Man I hope it works this time.

So I am back on The Pill, which means cranky Me. Moody Me. Not Fun Me. But on the road to something good, I hope.

Not much more to report. I blame it on The Pill.