Boo hoo - I have a cold

There is nothing new to report since I am seriously sidelined by a nasty cold. I miss my Nyquil! But really, not complaining. Not nauseated today, and given the choice I think I would take runny nose over nausea.

About to go out with Wife and friends for "drinks." Will try very hard not to appear bored. Mustering up energy to fake being interested in Wife. I know that sounds callous and harsh, which is why I write it hear instead of saying it. I really really want to love her, but I just can't seem to these days. I spent over an hour this morning listening to her yell at Kids to stop yelling! Yes, they are obnoxiously loud these days, but I guarantee she wouldn't have seen the contradiction in her actions. But overall we have done a better job of not fighting this week. I just wonder if it is because I am avoiding issues and not speaking up for myself or if it is because we are making progress on not pissing each other off. Too soon to call.

Meanwhile gearing up for a busy weekend and resting as much as possible. Trying not to think too hard about the ultrasound next Thursday, which seems like an eternity away. So sad it had to be rescheduled from Tuesday. Would love to know how many are in there. I think I am going to be sad if there isn't two. But if I were honest, two would not be good for us. Twins is hard. Really hard. And 4 kids is a lot of kids. I know that our lives would be so much easier if we were to have a singleton. But part of me loves the fact that my Kids have each other in a way that can't be reproduced for a singleton. And part of it is selfish -- I want to belong to the twin group through direct experience.Why? I don't know. I get that I belong, that I am very involved with raising twins, and that is its own challenge. But I wonder what it would be like to be pregnant with twins. I mean, if being pregnant is an amazing experience, I can only imagine what being pregnant with twins must be like. And yet, I know twins would not be the best for me or for my family. And ultimately what is, is. So I will try over the next few days to consider removing disappointment as a possible response no matter what we see next week.

Next Goals

So I am finally starting to accept the idea that I am pregnant - and that fear about something happening to this pregnancy is just not productive. So instead I am refocusing my attention to two things: eating well and addressing my relationship with Wife. [And as a result, I am pretty sure this blog will no longer be of interest to anyone from the IF world. Just saying....]

So for (1): I feel like I am eating all the time. And I am okay with this in that it makes me feel much better, and I understand gaining weight is part of being pregnant. The funny thing is that I am usually so totally unperturbed by my weight, and I generally run about 10-15 pounds over "ideal" weight. I am a good size 10, and nobody would call me skinny or fat. But over the last year, for some reason (probably stress from trying to get pregnant), I lost 10 pounds. And I like how it looked on me. Even more important, I like how my clothes were so much more comfortable! But yes, I gained that 10 pounds right back during the fresh IVF cycle, the weight came right off when the cycle didn't work/the hormones wore off, but it came right back on during FET cycle. So I am starting the pregnancy up 10 pounds. And now I am supposed to spend all day eating? Isn't that going to wreak total havoc with my weight? Isn't it true that at the beginning you aren't supposed to gain much weight? How does this happen if I am munching on saltines and ginger cookies all the time? If I am going to be eating all day, I want to be sure I am eating nutritious foods and I would like not to pack on too many pounds before the critter (or critters) need the extra calories. So I have to figure out what that means.

And for (2): I don't really have a plan for this one, but I want to formally acknowledge that I need to work on it and that I am not ignoring the issue. I finally feel more hormonally stable, even if I feel like crap energetically, and it is time for me to stand up for myself. I wish I didn't see it becoming adversarial but I have a strong sense that is unavoidable. Wife's defensive ways are so ingrained, she is all about fault and blame, all the time. But this is not my fault and I am not to blame. And I don't deserve the attitude and tone she gives me. So first item: read The Verbally Abusive Relationship and see what that brings up. Lots of "stuff" for posts I suppose.

Oh No - back to Fear

Suddenly Fear has reared its ugly head. All of a sudden I formulated a grand explanation to support the idea that I am no longer pregnant. Irrational? Paranoid? Unfounded? Yes. Yes. Yes. But here it is anyway:

(1) Maybe the reason the clinic didn't want me to go in for additional betas was because the doctor knows the numbers won't be doubling. He is giving me 2 weeks to feel pregnant and I will find out there is nothing there at the ultrasound. Then he doesn't have to tell me the bad news on the phone.I know this is ridiculous - why would anyone want me to find out in person, at the ultrasound? But isn't it odd that I didn't go back for additional betas? I was so busy and thankful that I didn't have to drive the few hours to get additional testing that I didn't stop and think about how rare that is. In all the blogs that I have read (surely not all of them, but not a small number either), that has never been the case. Just weird.

(2) I am not as nauseated today as I used to be. I was actually fine not eating first thing in the morning, and a piece of toast an hour after waking kept me fine for hours. It used to be I had to eat almost constantly to keep from feeling queasy. The logical part of my brain reminds me that my nausea usually hits its stride around 2pm and parties through the evening. Not a morning-type nausea. But the irrational, worried part of me does not like feeling fine. (How twisted is that?)

(3) I just realized that I fell asleep last night without taking my prenatal. I don't know that this is a sign as much as a indicator that maybe my body knows taking the prenatal is not as important as I might otherwise think. Silly. I know.

(4) As soon as I admitted my fear, I started to get major cramping in my lower left abdominal area. What's up with that? (Prior cramping and pangs have almost always been on the right side, or sometimes both sides, but never just the left side.)

And this has gotten me seriously considering buying more HPTs. Will daily pee tests help me make it to ultrasound? I still have 2 weeks to wait - Please don't let me go crazy in the meantime!

Bitten by the Happy Bug

It is finally seeping in...joy. happiness. excitement. wonder.

I had a biometric screening at work today in order to get company money toward my health care premiums. I got to check "pregnant" on the intake form. Woo hoo!

I actually told someone today that I was pregnant and didn't use the disclaimer "but it is still early, so we will see..." because that is always the case. And I want to be thinking positively. And there is really no reason that I should feel negatively. I mean sure, bad things happen. But so do good things. And I am going to put my faith in the good.

I think I may have been bitten by a happy bug. Or maybe the holiday bee. Or maybe this little critter inside me is an optimist by nature. Either way, I am feeling really uplifted these last few days.

Sips of Joy

I went to see Acupuncturist today - she always helps me feel so much better. I shared how I am so confused and conflicted. Why am I not jumping for joy at being pregnant? This is exactly what I wanted. I thought I would be all woohoo - and instead I feel a little numb. Tentative. Happy but scared. And she reassured me that there was nothing wrong with what I am feeling. Sometimes it takes a while for the news to reach the heart, especially when it has been hurt before.

She suggested I do two things:
(1) Cut off reading other blogs -- to stop my mind from going to the what ifs and infinite possibilities. On the one hand, I totally see her point. I do lean toward the hypochondriac and I worry that I let myself get disturbed by other people's news. On the other hand, I have really enjoyed feeling connected to other people, and I am not sure how I feel about "joining" a mainstream pregnant group - and I don't want to give up this feeling of community. Plus I have selected about 8 blogs that I like to follow at this point. So advice #1 is under consideration.

(2) Take Sips of Joy -- it may seem overwhelming to drink a full glass or expect myself to suddenly be exuberant. So I should start by taking small amounts, and seeing how it tastes in my mouth. Playing with it. (If only I weren't so exhausted all the time!) I will give serious effort to advice #2.

Meanwhile, the theme of the day is headache. I am having some minor cramping, turning to major when I move suddenly and/or laugh (yeah, that didn't feel good). I am so tired, even though I went to bed at 9:30 last night. But really, the headache is killing me. OK, that's the complaining for the day. The rest is gravy. Sip sip.

Searching for un-pessimism

Sunday I increased the dosage to 2 estrogen patches. Side-effects include headaches, nausea and loss of appetite. Should I call the clinic to report or just accept it. It is not like they are going to change the protocol, so I really don't see the point. Wife doesn't agree, but this is my decision, right?

So I give myself a C+ so far on following the herbalist's recommendations.
- I am doing great on dinner for breakfast, but I think that may have something to do with loss of appetite. I am just not hungry at lunch time then.
- I have been eating a lot of red meat, but I couldn't stomach the cost for grass-fed and organic meats. So just organic will have to do.
- I am drinking about 8 oz of water with chia seeds (instead of the 16 oz recommended).
- I have been drinking the evening tea, even though it is DISGUSTING!
- I have been taking the enzyme with only about half my meals. I keep forgetting. Even still, it seems to be helping as my "digestion" is much more active.
- I have taken the probiotic each evening and it too is pretty gross - it goes down quickly if I take my vitamins with it.
The issue I see is that I have been doing this for 3 days and already it seems like a big pain. I have 2.5 more weeks and while I am hoping I will get into a routine, I feel it is more likely that I will give this all up as an unnecessary burden. I don't feel more energetic (yet?) and I don't feel more fertile (yet?) and I don't feel more connected to "Alison" (yet?). Quite possibly a $200 waste of time and money. (Sure, compared to IVF, $200 doesn't sound like much, but we could certainly use it in our regular household budget.)

On a more positive note, I had a really nice date with Wife on Friday - it had been too long since we got along for an entire evening. We went to a movie (where I gave my evening Lupron injection during a dark scene) and then out for sushi. I am hoping that I won't be able to eat sushi for several months starting in a few weeks, so I better get my fill now. I told wife about Alison, and she surprised the heck out of me by not freaking out or calling me a dork or anything mean or negative. She started talking about names and it was fun to imagine what it will be like when we have another child. Of course the conversation steered mostly to the idea of having more children, but I shared how I was afraid if I got my hopes up about twins I might be disappointed if we"only got one," as if that would ever be a bad thing. And surprise of all surprises, she understood and let it go. It was a really nice evening.

We had a few snits over the weekend, but in general I am feeling cautiously un-pessimistic about our relationship. And that is a nice improvement. I am hoping to upgrade my feelings about this FET cycle to un-pessimistic soon. I have 2.5 weeks to get my mind in gear, to drop the fear, to ditch the negativity and stress.