Shifting to Green

They really shouldn't call it the Baby Blues - especially for someone who has a history of depression -- it is so much more than that. And now that I am actually feeling stronger, more even, I can see how much bigger the "Blues" were than blues. And I was terrified that I had PPD. Because it felt so much larger than Blues. I wasn't sad; I was inconsolable. I was devastated. I was raw, gutted, empty. And then I find out this is normal??? Excuse me, but this is not Blues - this is Dark, Dark Grey, maybe even Black.

But luckily I am actually feeling a little bit beyond the blues, perhaps touching green. This is not to say that I am not still at the whims of my hormones, or that I am all chipper and happy. But I am not crying all the time. I am starting to feel connected to Baby - and to see how cute he is, and how we have this amazing bond. I still don't feel like I thought I would considering he came out of my body. I am still waiting for that "I love him so much I don't know what to do with myself" feeling, but I seriously doubt that I will ever have that. I don't operate that way.

I feel like it took me forever to start to feel better. But it couldn't have been that long -- Baby is only 3 weeks old. We have only been home for a bit over 2 weeks. I am grateful for my Sister, who pointed out that difficulty breastfeeding is SOOOOO normal (which is why there are so many lactation consultants) and that my hormones are making the game unfair -- they have all the power and I am at their mercy. And my friend from Portland has reached out in such a nice way. My Couple Friend from in town has also been great - nice when they come over, bringing dinner, texting to see how I am feeling. And of course Acupuncturist has been super-supportive and helpful. Therapist is here for me too. Sometimes, in fact, I have felt a little over-supported. Like I have all these people to go to...why don't I feel better? But one week later, I see how everyone has been helping me reach the place I am now...if not happiness, stability.

The only person missing is Wife. I know she cares. I know she loves me. But her manner of dealing with my having a hard time is to lock down control. To clam up and shut off her emotions. To tell everyone what they should do and to shut me out. I am so tired of her one-word responses and inappropriate defensiveness and unfounded accusations. I am not making any rash decisions, but I fantasize about being a single mom. And I plan ways to avoid her. I wish I could just keep my mouth shut when I am around her, because absolutely everything I say is wrong. And it is so tiring to be picked on all the time. But since I can't seem to keep my trap shut, I am better off not being around her. So much for this happy marriage.

But again, overall feeling so much better!

The only person miss

Rant about Wife

So I have been having serious doubts about the value of pumping all day in order to give Baby breast milk. My supply is not tiny, but it isn't enough to feed him entirely. So each pump feels like a disappointment - I work very hard and know that he will want 3 ounces at the next feed. I pump and hand express and take my drugs and herbs to get out a mere 2 ounces. So (at least) 8 times a day, I feel like I am failing.
And I am so tired. Like any parent with a newborn, I could really use some more sleep. Sure, I am not nearly as tired as I was with the newborn twins, but I am really, really tired. That whole "sleep when the baby sleeps" thing doesn't work when you need to pump - not to mention eating and personal hygiene and any little time spent with the older kids (sometimes out of necessity and sometimes for enjoyment). I think about all the hours I would get back if I stopped pumping.
I just don't know what to do with these thoughts. I tried to talk with Wife about them. And that was not a good idea - she just does not have the capacity to talk things out and consider things from my point of view. When I said I just don't know that it is worth it...she got all defensive and mad. Went on and on about how much harder it was for her with the older kids. How she didn't think Baby was getting shafted (and who said anything about that?). So I asked her why she was getting defensive - what had I said that upset her? She said that I had asked for her opinion, but when she gives it, I don't want it. I replied that I was just talking, and that I hadn't asked her to fix anything or even give her opinion, just that she listen to mine and my feelings and be there for me. She said that is all she has been doing for the last 3 weeks: listening. Which explains why I have been getting the silent treatment. She equates listening with not saying anything. How do I get her to understand that listening involves talking, asking questions, showing care by communicating - listening is not a silent action.
Well, I know I am still hormonal, but I think she stinks. I am so DONE trying to get through to her. I am ready to sleep in the office. I am ready to give up on trying to connect with her. I already felt like we were co-habitating, but now I want to make it official. I won't do anything brash, but the thought of moving out sounds lovely. I am so mad at her!
Who gives a flying F how hard it was for her 4 years ago. The fact that she never reached out to me, never talked about it, never opened up and trusted me with how difficult it was only makes it worse. But it is done. And now I am struggling. I am tired, hurt, frustrated, disappointed and pissed. And now I am lonely. Because the person who is supposed to be there most is not able to be present. She sucks!

Caring for the Blob Baby

Baby is 17 days old. It is absolutely crazy how fast the time has passed. Sure, we had the first 6 days in the hospital, which just kind of blended together since we were up around the clock. But now we have been home over a week. On the plus side, I think we have a good routine starting. On the bad side, everything is constantly changing, I need it to continue changing, and I worry about how things are going.

The most important thing on my mind right now is breastfeeding. What a struggle! Tomorrow is our first OT appointment, so hopefully we can figure out how to get Baby on my breast, getting what he needs directly from me. I will be so happy to be done with massive pumping. At least I think I will be so happy. Truth is, there are some advantages...but let me back up.

Right now I am pumping every 2-3 hours during the day. All day. But sleeping at night - for my sanity. Until today I was getting about 1/2 to 2/3 ounce per breast per pump. I have been taking fenu.greek and dom.peridone for 4 days and I am starting to see a difference. I think. I have been pretty bad about regular pumping today and when you pump less frequently, you get more at each pump (but that is not good for stimulating production since you need to empty the boob frequently for that). Anyway, today I have been pumping almost 1 ounce per breast per pump. So the last few days I have been supplementing with formula a few ounces (6 ounces yesterday), but it seems like today I may be able to feed him entirely on breastmilk. That would make me so happy!

I know feeding him formula is not terrible. There are plenty of kids who were exclusively formula-fed who turn out great. It just isn't how I imagined it. I really wanted to breastfeed. I wanted to nurse. But bottle-feeding, or finger feeding as we are now doing, has its advantages. For one, Wife can take a more active role in feeding Baby. Especially at 3am. Or I can leave the house without Baby and not take away his food source. And I am going back to work in few months anyway, so eventually we will be bottle-feeding. But there is a lot of gear required. And pumping is less efficient, meaning I have to do it more. I am so over pumping every few hours. And still not having enough.

But then I find out that even though he has been gaining weight - and quickly! - we probably aren't giving him enough. According to a chart I just found, he should be eating about 23 ounces each day. He has been getting 18 ounces. So now we need to increase his feeds (amount not number), which means I am even further away from my goal of exclusive breastmilk. Crap!

It stinks not being able to provide food for my baby. I know it isn't my fault. There were just too many things that just happened - the dextrose drip on day 2, thinking that he was nursing well from days 5 to 10 but getting very little actual stimulation, using home pump for days 11 through 13 - to think I would have incredible supply. I don't know how this is going to turn out.

On the other hand, I made it through the day without crying (finally!) and I feel like I am actually starting to get a handle on things. I had a great conversation yesterday with a friend from college who lives in Portland. I really wish I had a friend like her closer by - it is so refreshing to be able to be open, honest and flawed without risk of rejection. Oh she has seen me at pretty bad, and she is still my friend. Then this afternoon two local friends came over with their family and we all had dinner together. It was great to connect with people - and it helped show me what I am doing already. Three adults managed to entertain and feed 6 kids and it wasn't chaos. Woohoo!

And Baby is finally starting to open his eyes. He is staying more awake after each feed and looking around without screaming. He had a great few moments this evening watching Girl and Boy making faces for him. I am not exactly sure what to do with him - how do I interact with a little Blob Baby - but I think we will continue to work it out.

So Much Harder than I Thought...

Here I am 14 days postpartum, and struggling more than I did trying to get pregnant, being pregnant or laboring. Last week completely slipped away from me as I drown in a hormonal pool of self-pity. And shame. And embarrassment. I don't even know why.

By all accounts Baby is doing well. He had a bit of a rough start, and I could certainly work it up to more than it was, when in comparison to so many who are born with huge issues, his weren't really that major. Yet somehow the departure from my ideal shook me and I was so unprepared for it...I was rocked to the core and did not recover well. I am not proud of my reaction, but at least today, I realize I can't dwell on it anymore. Being upset with myself about how I handled things is not helping.

Instead I need to focus on what is going well. Through lots of pumping, fenugreek and Dom.peridone, it appears my milk might be coming back and I might get to breastfeed. My brain is slightly clearer so I can schedule the miscellaneous doctors appointments to help Baby learn how to latch/use his tongue. There are people out there, near me, who clearly care for me. Who are here for me. And I don't have to feel guilty leaning on them.

I suppose I will still struggle with feeling inadequate. With wishing Baby had a better Mom than me. I suppose all I can do it promise to keep trying harder to be nicer to myself and to appreciate the things that are going well.And to take the best care of him, and the rest of my family, that I can.

Birth Planning

I am not truly crunchy-granola, but a big part of me wishes I were. I have just enough hippie in me that makes the thought possible. Perhaps if I grew up anywhere besides the sterile north suburbs of Chicago, I might have had a chance. Instead I am a mixed up blend of practicality, conformity and slight Earthiness. My thoughts about this upcoming birth have really brought this out in me.

I would love to ask for/plan for a home water birth. I want to celebrate the natural, primal experience of birth. But I can’t. There are just too many things that could go wrong, and I am not *that* trusting in the Universe and the power of Women Before Me. So I planned for a hospital birth with a midwife. I could still have that connection to the Line of Women’s Wisdom. I could be nurtured as I birthed, and although I viewed this as a compromise, I was pretty ok with it. Then the SCH, the bleeding and fear, and the recommendation that I get an OB. And I agreed. I want to do everything to help support healthy baby – doesn’t make sense to reject the vast knowledge of Western Medicine. And yet I feel as though an important part of what could be a natural process is slipping away.

But oh how I hate the word “natural” connected to pregnancy, conception or birth. I am upsetting myself as I type it, only I don’t know what other word to use to describe what I am trying to achieve. Maybe it really is a sadness that things didn’t and aren’t happening “naturally” and that pisses me off? Maybe it is old baggage of people asking if my older kids (twins) were natural – as if they are anything unnatural? Aha! I got it. My new word is organic. Of course my kids are organic, but they weren’t conceived organically – and neither is this new baby in me. Sure, of course (!!!) IVF-conceived children are just as valid, amazing, worthy, lovely, etc. as all other kids. Can I believe this and still be a little upset that the organic method of conception didn’t work for me? That too many doctors and test tubes and pipettes and petri dishes were involved in the making of this child? Happy for the technology, just not happy I had to use it.

And that is how I am feeling now about my birth plan. I am thankful that Western Medicine exists and has made a serious dent in mortality rates, etc. I just don’t want to use it. OK – I will go to the hospital, I will use an OB. But what am I going to do about the epidural???

A seriously large part of me would like to experience the birth of my child without intervention. The crunchy-granola way of Women Before Me. I know it is going to hurt. I mean, Hurt. But at the end of the day, it is a temporary state – and if others survived, I know I can too. But I know myself, and I think that I will probably get to a point in labor where practically will set in and I will realize that the Hurt is not worth it. That I am missing the true experience. I probably will use an epidural when it comes down to it. But I am just not ready to give up on my Earth Mother birth image yet. 

And it might seem like I shouldn’t need to. I am only 26 weeks along – there is plenty of time to make this decision. But I have a dilemma. Wife wants me to have an epidural. She makes it very clear whenever we discuss the birth what her position is. And she thinks I am being ridiculous (!) to even consider not using an epidural. She points out that when I have a headache, I take aspirin; when I have knee surgery, I take Vicodin; why wouldn’t I use pain relief here? And I get that – she is not wrong. And yet this feels really different to me for some reason. In a yearning, primal way I cannot describe or defend. Which leads to the situation I am in now: needing to defend my desire without having the words. And needing to ask for her to support me, because if I am going to get through labor without an epidural, I am going to need her help. I am going to need (or maybe just really want?) someone to tell me I am doing great, that I can do it. 

Which leads to the corollary dilemma: should I get a doula? If Wife is not going to be able to support my wishes, should I hire someone who will? But if I do that, am I creating an indelible wedge between Wife and me – a significant shared experience forever lost? Would I be able to forgive her for not being there for me? I think hiring a doula would be the short-term solution that would validate us as separate, as not a team. And that is not a good vibe for the birth of a child. But it would make sure I am supported and that I have important aspects of the birth experience I am searching for, no matter which way it goes. I think a doula would just help me be the one making some important decisions about my own body. 

But if I want a doula, I need to get on it. The advantage of living in a crunchy community is that there are plenty of options out there – but I need to interview and reserve my place in the queue. I guess ultimately I need to weigh how important the birth experience is compared with the life experience. As I said earlier, labor is a temporary state – maybe it is not worth creating so much conflict over.

Tautny?

It has been an emotionally hard week for me. I can't even describe how drained I am...how much I wish I could cuddle up to someone safe and just be taken care of. But really, there is no point dwelling on what isn't. So I am starting to move on and sort things out on how I can feel better even with the stress and lot I find myself in.

But for the pregnancy journal, I do want to mention my symptoms and try to figure out what to feel about my crazy OB. I went to see her yesterday and presented with 3 days of mild cramps (lower abdomen - probably related to my obscene constipation), dizziness, headaches and generally achy-ness. I also mentioned how I am just going through a transition, where my stomach is mushy for the most part, but several times a day it just gets hard. Doesn't hurt, although I am getting mid-back tightness/discomfort (not pain exactly, but not la-di-dah either). And for those interested in TMI, I also have a certain womanly stink. OK, I am extremely malodorous "down there" (and I hope it is my over-active pregnant nose that notices - please don't let other people be able to smell me). All I can say is Thank Goodness that Wife forgot about the appointment so I could tell all this to the doctor without seeing her roll her eyes or sigh or say what a wimp I am! But I told doctor how I was worried that I wasn't taking good enough care of myself or Baby, that I didn't want to miss any signs of pre-term labor (of which I was even more worried) and I worried that maybe I was making a bigger deal of how I felt and wondered if perhaps I was worrying too much. You think?

So kind doctor did 2 things. First, she told me that I was taking great care of myself and Baby. She could tell. (And because I wanted to believe her, I didn't ask for evidence - I just took her word and I am sticking with it.) She then came over to feel my tummy and asked a few questions about the tightening - how long does it last, do certain things bring it on, etc. Then she said I have "tautny" and yes, it can make me feel quite nasty. She said that when my stomach gets hard, it is a sign that I need to rest. I should put my feet up if possible, and relax. But overall, tautny is not a cause for concern. She told me the difference between tautny and pre-term labor. She used the word several times, but here is the thing...Dr. Google has never heard of "tautny" or anything even close to that. Neither has anyone else, including uber-pregnant Sister. Or me, and I have read a lot of blogs (the new "experts").

But I swear that "tautny" is what she said. So here is the dilemma: the idea of tautny makes me feel better. I suspect she made it up to make me feel better. She could very well be ascribing a new word to Braxton Hicks (which is what Wife thinks), but I don't think I want to know. BH is used with "contractions" and that worries me. Tautny is so much gentler, digestible, acceptable. So I don't want to contact my doctor and get a clarification. But the curious (and hyper-vigilant) side of me really wants to know - what is going on here? Is this a glossing over of something perhaps partially a little more serious? Or is tautny just a simplified word for "you are a hypochondriac and worrywort so here's a diagnosis so you will lay off"? What a good laugh that would be at her dinner table...hahaha I told this women a made-up diagnosis and she ate.it.up!

Well, the truth is that I actually feel somewhat better - all day today I was preoccupied with whether tautny was real or not - and I didn't have one single fear that Baby was going to be born too early, that I wasn't taking care of him growing inside me. That has got to be worth something, even if it is the wool over my eyes.

Another Crossroads

The last few days I have been feeling rather blah. And I don't like blah. Previously I had just started feeling happy - and that was a lot of fun. I was feeling engaged and energized and productive...well, not so much anymore. But what worries me most about feeling blah is what could possibly come next - feeling crappy. I am working hard to stave off feeling crappy.

So I invested some serious time into looking at what has changed. Wish I had a clear answer. For some reason, I just seem really sensitive right now. And alone. I don't feel like I have anyone in my corner. Which is ridiculous, since nobody has said anything to me or done anything...I know this is coming from me. But can I change it?

I spent the weekend with my family visiting a friend and her family. She has a son just a little older than the Kids and twins that are slightly older than 1 year. She set me up with an awesome maternity wardrobe. (It was like Christmas!) But the visit was otherwise "less than" and that makes me sad. I just felt like she didn't see me the whole time - one example: when I was trying on clothes she was telling me to take a particular shirt because it was going to be great at the end of my pregnancy. And I said it felt comfortable, but I really didn't see myself wearing it (colors, stripes, cut, etc.). No, no she insisted I take it because I will absolutely love it. And I am wondering doesn't my opinion matter? And I felt caught - I was getting a TON of FREE clothes - I should just take the shirt and be grateful (which is what I did) - but in the process I felt completely ignored and unvalidated. Should this matter? Probably not. But for some reason I am having a hard time getting over it.

Truth is I expect this type of behavior from Wife. She is notorious for discounting my feelings. My mom? Also very good at ignoring my feelings. Which is why I look for support from friends. So after overlooking Wife's reactions, and finally standing up for myself in regards to my mom, I am just deflated that I have to search out different friends to listen to me. Man - I just want somebody to look at me and say they care how I am doing. I hate feeling like such a burden for needing this, but I do. I am so tired and scared and stressed about work and providing for my family financially and physically and emotionally, and knowing that I am doing a pretty crappy job on all those fronts right now. Urgh - I hate feeling blah!

So I pay people to support me. I had Acu-therapy yesterday. Sadly the treatment was short-lived because I showed up at work directly after wards and was thrown into a HUGE firedrill that derailed any feelings of ease. The day sucked. And now I can't even remember the wise words Acupuncturist helped me realize. And they were brilliant! All I remember is that I am at another crossroads and she seems to think I have it in me to prevail. That I am getting close to a Deep Truth if I follow the right path.

Damn I feel unstable. Can I blame this on pregnancy hormones?

23 Weeks

Symptoms: Crazy leg cramps (about 3/night) that have left my calf sore throughout the day, constipation, heartburn

Maternity Clothes: Still loving the elastic waists - but very sensitive to tags and everything seems to make me itch. Preferring the under-belly pants because the over-belly band itches. But the under-belly is sometimes kinda tight, so it might be time to move up a size?
Sleep: Actually going pretty well, except for the leg cramps. 5 pillows in a circle around me.
Best Moment of the Week: Wife finally getting to feel Baby kick

Movement: Yup - lots. Especially when I lay down.
Cravings: French fries for lunch every day (I think it is the salt I really crave). Not really into eating for the most part. Bananas, which is weird because I do not normally "do" bananas. Ice cream.
Weight gain: 8 pounds (but should I also count the 10 pounds I put on during IVF?) - worried that perhaps I am not gaining enough

Belly Button: In, but getting shallower
What I miss: Orgasms. Every once in a while I think a margarita sounds yummy. Brie!
What I am looking forward to:When the Kids can feel kicks, getting a really nice round bump no matter what I am wearing (I am close!)


Thanks Mrs. Lemon for the idea on the format (altered slightly)

Just a sec of a quick note

Last night Wife got to feel Baby's kicks - she has been really excited for this! We had to work it a bit...I had noticed that he got really active when I lay down to go to sleep, so she kept her hand on my belly as I settled in. Sure enough, the little bugger started stretching and waking up for his kicking session. Fortunately I can sleep through it pretty well once I have fallen asleep. Sometimes it is hard to get to sleep initially, mostly because I just lay there feeling him and wondering what it must be like for him in there. And just thinking about how amazing it all is. I am so grateful to be able to experience this. (And I hope everyone who is trying can all get here! I almost erased the last sentence because I wanted to be considerate to those still trying. But I need to have it recorded and honestly, I can't even tell who is reading this blog anyway since hardly anybody ever leaves a comment. So I am going to continue as though only I were reading...)

That said, I don't really have anything to say today, only that I wanted to record when Wife first felt Baby's kicks, which I have already done. Wow - what a post!

Managing My Mom

I can't tell if this post is a congratulations to myself for doing something really hard, a confessional of a bad daughter or an admission of failure. So I am going to "flow" it out and see where I land...

So several months ago, as in January, my mom talked about renting a house where we live for the month of August so she could be here when Baby is born. This idea was not pleasing to me. Ok, I'll be honest - there was a part of me that was happy, touched that she would consider doing this. That I was possibly important to her. But the other part of me, a much larger part, was petrified by the idea. It is no coincidence that I live 2,000 miles away from her.

So in typical Me fashion, I laughed off the offer and ignored it. Then last month she mentioned it again, but this time she was making reservations for summer concert tickets and she was confirming dates for the trip - she had woken me from a nap and caught me completely off guard. I tried briefly to see why she wanted to come for so long and she told me it was really important to her to be at the hospital when I was in labor, so she could be among the first to see little one. I made it very clear she was not invited in the L&D room. She said she was ok with this. She wanted to help take care of Kids while Wife and I were in the hospital. She just wanted to be there, and since we don't know when Baby will show up, she thought a window of 3-4 weeks should be good. Well, I wanted to go back to sleep and I really wasn't sure what I could say, so I ok'd her dates (Aug 1-Aug 24) and agreed to look into finding her a place to stay. Then I broke the news to Wife, who was equally unhappy but figured "we will get through this like all other visits."

Then I had several weeks to understand the implications of my mom being here for 3 weeks. This is not a nice lady. And as I am getting ready to welcome Baby into this world, I am going to have to battle, yes battle, my mom and her attacks on my esteem. I find it very difficult to stay centered, positive, even prioritized around her. She breaks me down and not only knows all my easy buttons, she pushes them regularly. Then I talked with my sister, who lives less than an hour from our mom, who has labored 6 times, and who said that our mom is not great about staying in the waiting room, even when explicitly told she is not welcome in the L&D room. She will come in during non-active labor and again during after birth "stuff" (aka stitching). And this is NOT how I want my birth experience to be. So I started to dread my mom's visit, but I felt pretty stuck about it.

Well, I received lots of advice from qualified people (aka therapists - mine and ours/Wife's/mine) that I should really deal with this - talk with my mom and offer an alternative. So last Saturday I had a chance. She called when I was in the car with Wife and Kids and she was making plane reservations. She had already looked into places to stay and had a few leads. Again - cue "stuckness" for me. I tried to gingerly see what she had found out, but instead I chickened out, told my mom I couldn't talk right now (and it was a little hectic in the car) and that I would call her back. Which I did about 5 minutes later, after a little pep talk from Wife, knowing Wife was ther listening. So I said, "Mom, I know you talked about coming in August and being here when Baby is born, but it would be so much more helpful to us if you were able to come in September, after the Baby has gone through the "honeymoon" phase and when we are starting to figure out what life with 3 kids is like. You did this with the older Kids and it was really helpful. Do you think that is a possibility?" Breathe, breathe. And she responded pretty well. She "threatened" that coming in September would be a shorter trip, and that maybe she would stay with us instead of renting a place, but overall she seemed ok with the idea. I was feeling like it was a huge success - I asked for what I wanted and she accepted it. It was short-lived.

A few hours later I got an email from her: "Got a nice response from an apartment for resnting the whole month of August." That was the entire message. My response...WTF? Didn't we just talk about coming in Sept? Pulease, do I really have to go through this again? I thought about accepting it and having her come in August, I thought about acknowledging her email and trying to talk her out of it, I thought about ignoring it altogether...but instead I responded in kind: "I thought we were talking about Sept now." and nothing else. Her response: "We need to talk." I so suck at this confrontation thing! But I didn't procrastinate this time. I called her almost immediately. I stated my case (that it would be so much more helpful for us to have her here in Sept). I told her I understood that she really wanted to be here when Baby was born, but the more likely scenario is that she is here for several weeks without Baby, then only a few days with him, whereas in Sept he will definitely be here. I asked what her concerns were - she shared how upset she was 4 years ago when she came after Kids were born. How we treated her like a guest or visitor and she wants to be part of the family and she wants to take the Kids places alone and have us lean on her more and NEED her. How this has been upsetting her for 4 years so this was our chance to make it up to her. She thinks if she were here longer, with a place of her own nearby, she will suddenly become part of our everyday lives and we will mesh and be joyful. The Kids will be so excited to go over to Nana's place and love will abound. Blah-de-blah-blah.

I listened. But I didn't cave in. I still asked her to come in Sept. We awkwardly ended the conversation. I did text her a little later suggesting that she consider staying a little longer in Sept so she would have more time to bond with Kids and Baby. I didn't hear anything from her.

It seems like she will come in Sept, but not happily. I "win" but I feel like I have lost. And secretly, in the back of my head, I am so terrified about possibly needing her in August. What if Baby is in NICU for weeks and we need someone who can look after Kids while we try to juggle all that? Hmm...I think I have to play that one out. If Baby were in NICU, I do not think having my mom here would make me feel better. Ok, either way, Sept is better than August.

But I didn't want it to end on such a sour note. So this morning I called my mom. I said that I was concerned about how we left things, that I thought her feelings were hurt and I didn't want her to feel bad about coming out and being so nice and helpful. (Or something like that.) She said she really appreciated the call. She had been having a lot of talks with her husband about it - he suggested she do what we were asking, she said she felt (and I quote) "bossed around." [Oh yeah, that's right - I asked for something that I wanted, and it was bossing my mom around - thank goodness for years of therapy that I can finally see how messed up that is!] Anyway, call ended on a much better note between us. I think she is feeling better about coming in Sept.

So one final note because I can't seem to just let this go...I don't know if I did the right thing today. On the one hand, I am really proud of myself for sticking with my plan. I supported what I wanted and now I have absolutely no guilt feelings about it. Whew! On the other hand, I think I played into her neediness and drama by reaching out to her. Did I give her too much consideration and thereby validate her reaction? And by doing so, did I compromise my position and right to ask for something I actually want?

What a long-winded way to say that I am feeling very confused right now...happy in the outcome (I think), scared that the outcome could still change any minute, happy that I finally asked for something for me, sad that it had to be so hard, embarrassed that I care what my mom thinks of me (knowing what a skewed perspective she has) and even mad at myself for spending so much time on this!

Date Night

I am desperately trying to finish up my work so I can go home for Date Night. But I promised myself I would dedicate just a little bit of time to myself, and blogging helps keep me borderline sane, so here I am...

I suppose top of mind is that I am really thankful for Wife these days. She has actually been a royal pain, but even when she is cranky and somewhat mean, I know I can count on her to take care of the Kids, the house, the animals, etc. I am extremely fortunate that when work gets hectic and/or pregnancy takes over my brain, I don't have to worry about a lot of things. Sure, I still have a ton on my personal to-do list, including battling with insurance about 2010 charges and reimbursements, starting/finishing taxes (urgh!) and random other "nits," but I can't imagine having to do all that on top of cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. So I am going to try to be very thankful and nice on this Date Night and leave my overwhelmed self at work.

That said, and it wouldn't be an honest post if I left it off, I can't wait until Wife can feel the baby kick because maybe then she will get off my back about needing to sit down and wanting to sleep with 4 pillows and the other pregnancy-related changes I have made. Kinda sick of the not-so-gentle teasing. And eye rolling. The "tone" can go too.

But I love her, so I will try to focus on behaving. And having fun.

And that PMS-like episode is over

I think I was having a PMS-like experience yesterday. What a pity party I was throwing! Glad to report that I feel much more balanced today. I am feeling on the right path.

And I am happy to say that I was on the right path even before I had acu-therapy this morning (but it did confirm and reinforce my positivity). An interesting thing came up as I told Acupuncturist about trying to dump the fear - I realized that I didn't have a good image of what I was trying to move toward. Running away is no good if you don't know where you are going to. So I sat there with needles in my back trying to see a vision of me happier, full of enjoyment and awe. And I see it!


So even though I am slammed at work, I can remain centered. Even though I still bump heads with Wife, I can focus on warmth and caring.

I am in love with the image of a daffodil in a sunny field. It's a little windy but the flower just bends and sways, still lifting her petals to the warmth of the sun. Bright yellow and bright green. Tall. Open. Beautiful.

Trying to Ditch the Rest

This fear-based attitude has got to stop. I figure I have one chance to be pregnant, and I am not sure I am having the experience I want. And I realize that it is my reaction to circumstances that form my experience - but how to change my reactions?

OK, so I thought I would get pregnant really easily. My sister and my mom - both pregnant very easily (as in first unprotected sex, 3 times for my mom and 5 of 6 times for my sister - one time she only got pregnant on the 3rd month - oh poor thing!) But me? Not so much. And it really pissed me off. I did not handle it patiently and peacefully - I was cranky and bitter and I felt broken and maybe even a little cursed...until I discovered we had an issue with the swimmer, as in low numbers and low motility. So we moved on to IVF. But it didn't work the first time! This is a new area for me - for me not to succeed on the first try. Blah I felt fugly.

Luckily, somehow, I kept it together to get another try and I lucked out big-time that the second IVF (or rather the FET) worked. But then...of the three embryos transferred, only one implanted. What is wrong with me that I don't have twins or triplets. (Note that triplets are desired, but if I were really the shit I  sometimes like to think I am, shouldn't that have been a possibility?) So instead, I have an absolutely fantastic, lovely baby growing inside of me and I am feeling less-than because I am not having multiples.

And the pregnancy - I thought I would grow a beautiful bump and glow and feel fantastic. Nope - just nausea and blobby and acne. But not so sick that it makes sense for me to be upset - no massive vomit or weight loss or anything visible - just an internal feeling like crap. And just when I was starting to feel that I might really get into enjoying the pregnancy, I bleed. So finally I have this "excuse," a reason to take it easy and prioritize my pregnancy - and instead I feel like a freak for flipping out all the time (internally) and being a big nasty crank-pot (externally). I get worried when my stomach suddenly gets hard, when it probably is only gas. I flip out when I get cramps on my side, when it is probably only round ligament pain.

I have GOT to start taking it easier on myself! I so wish I could focus on the positive, dwell on the miracle, bathe in the newness and ditch all the rest. Can I force myself not to look for blood in the toilet every time I pee? Can I forbid myself to complain? Can I drop the worry and move on?

Pregnancy Brain

I am so amazed by how my life is impacted all around just by the simple fact that I am pregnant. I think about it all the time. I have an ongoing filter...Can I do this while I am pregnant? I feel "x" - must be the Baby. And this is leading to a  pretty bad case of pregnancy brain.

I am so darn spacey! I haven't done anything too terrible, but I am so sick of the little things that I have been forgetting or doing not-as-well-as-I-would-like. I understand that my letting go of control and uber-competence might be part of the lesson I need to learn though this pregnancy, but it is so hard!

I had a little breakdown/breakthrough at acupuncture earlier this week when I realized part of my Pregnancy Brain is bothering me so much is that I am just not sure who I am or how I am as a person without being intelligent, on-top-of-it, knowing and able. It is a big part of my personal value proposition. Am I worthy or lovable with out always being right?

Wife is actually happy with my spaciness - she says it evens the playing field and she actually gets a chance to be right. But oh how I hate it - not that she is right, but that I am wrong. I so despise not being able to trust my memory or understanding of a situation.

My sister (she of 6 babies) says that the first pregnancy is the worst, but after the third or fourth you start to realize that the pregnancy can just happen on its own. It doesn't have to be the first thing you think of in the morning or last thing as you fall asleep at night or a consideration as you fasten your seatbelt and drive down the highway or...but I wonder how true that would be if she had to do IVF and then had a really scary bleed out at 16 weeks.Seriously, I can't ever go pee without holding my breath as I look at the paper to check for bleeding.

Well, I am now at 20 weeks and I have three goals for the rest of the second trimester, or at least until the end of April (bite-sized pieces afterall):
(1) Find just a little time to blog every workday - even if it is a few sentences
(2) Spend a little bit of each day not thinking about being pregnant - The distracted pregnancy brain is making it really hard to be effective at work and it is really bugging me at home. So I need to be more aware of what I am doing in each moment and less daydreaming about baby-related matters.
(3) Spend a little bit of each day focusing on the fun and amazing parts of pregnancy - I just want to enjoy this time and not stress about the scariness of it all. I don't want to get to the birth and be sad that I missed it, that it passed me by while I was too busy worrying.

Back to Life as Normal

I don't know why this didn't post yesterday...

I am back at work and life has somewhat smoothly returned to "normal." As yet I feel this overwhelming sense of community, of family, care and concern. I am so thankful for friends who helped look after Kids and sent me nice messages. For doctors who saw me, squeezed me in, gave me the information I needed and took care of me. For Acupuncturist who looked after my entire body and spirit and family. For Wife, who has done so much to make it easier for me to relax and rest, and really been there for me. For Kids who have been really understanding of what I could and couldn't do. For my parents and sister, who surprised me by checking in on me and caring so much. And even people at work...I just feel looked after. Wish I didn't need it, but the truth is I do. And there is no shame in that.

So third opinion yesterday, at out new OB, went great. I really like her, so no more Midwife. (I have to call and cancel those appointments!) She explained...it is a subchorionic hemorrhage, which in the first trimester might mean a 50-50 chance of miscarriage. But in the second trimester, with bleeding already stopped, is closer to a 5%-10% chance. Baby still sounds strong. I am at higher risk for pre-term labor, but overall not much else should change. I can still go out of town in 2 weeks. I should avoid sex/orgasms and limit strenuous activity. No treadmill for at least a week. No additional appointments or monitoring needed at this time. All good news and I am soaking it in.

Meanwhile I had a great conversation with Acupuncturist this morning about what possessive pronoun to use with Baby...my baby? our baby? the baby? Especially when talking with Kids, I am aware of what I say. I don't want this to be MY baby, as if they weren't my babies because they were in Wife's tummy. But on a certain level, I need to take ownership or responsibility for this baby on a level that is different from everyone else who is helping me. Our baby is living and growing inside me, not us. It seems weird to be dissecting this so much, but it is something that has been worrying me for quite a while. (Yes, I know, overly analytical...) Anyway, I discovered the foundation: MY pregnancy, OUR baby. And I am starting to feel the honor of being blessed to carry OUR baby, to grow OUR baby though MY pregnancy.

"Threatened Miscarriage"

Well it has been an interesting few days...weeks actually. I haven't been posting because I have been completely overwhelmed and my brain has been all over the place. Exactly when I should have been blogging! To organize my thoughts, etc. But now I am just going to event dump for my reference - perhaps one day I will want to remember this?

Of course, in case either of my 2 readers check in and are concerned about my pregnancy, I should preface this my saying so far Baby is doing well. We have a good heartbeat. And now to my story...

Three weeks ago, work got very busy. My boss resigned, leaving vacant a job that I was looking to eventually have. So I was suddenly tasked with doing my boss's work and deciding, Do I want to go for a promotion, which would mean a lot more work and more stress, but also more money and good for long-term career. Short-term vs long-term. But since I was basically doing his job anyway... But ultimately I decided my priorities are with our baby. Timing isn't right. So I didn't go for the big promotion.

Two weeks ago, work came up with a good outcome for me - I got a little promotion. Instead of the entire global organization with oversight of 9 employees, I got a section of it, with 2 employees and me. Still a little stressful since one of the employees is brand-spanking new and the other one is a good work-friend who is not pleased with the idea of reporting into me. So yes, there was a bit of stress, which may have led to some weird cramping. At first I thought it was because of my crazy insane constipation. But then it didn't go away and I started to get nervous. So I had a few days of cramping, no spotting, and then went to the midwife. Doppler indicated a good heartbeat, cultures indicated no infection. So unexplained cramping that is probably from constipation. Great!

Then last week I was hit HARD by a cold. Total nasal drip on one side, blockage on the other - head fuzzy and can't breathe or sleep and it is completely ridiculous how many times I peed myself when I sneezed. And the cramping when I coughed. Really threw me for a loop. And even though I was super-busy at work, I took a day off because I felt like crap. I don't do that easily. I also worked form home two days so as not to infect the rest of the office. Sure, my new boss joked about how I was working on my sick day - and I tried to tell me I was sick but not taking a sick day, I was working! But I can tell this guy gets his own ideas about things and that is how it is. Anyway, last week was hard, balancing work and feeling like crap.

Which leads me to the weekend. Sat afternoon I was just about to go out, even though I was still sick - I needed to get out of the house. I was going to buy myself a new cell phone, a treat to help get me out of the funk of stress and feeling bad and behind on everything. But first, I had to go to the bathroom. And since I am a constipated little gal, this required a fair amount of straining. I actually thought, "I wonder if this is how labor is going to feel" even knowing that it was nothing compared to labor. But I can't even describe my shock and fear when I looked into the toilet and saw it was bright red. Of course my first thought was wondering whether it was vaginal or anal - so I started wiping like crazy and trying not to get alarmed. I called for Wife, who was putting Kids down for nap and couldn't hear me above their protests. I put a pad on to see where the bleeding was coming from and flushed (bad idea - next time [ha ha] keep it to show Wife so she won't think I am overreacting....) before getting Wife. Told her the situation and went to ER.

Just a note: local ER sucks. It took one hour of me sitting in the lobby, bleeding and crying, before I could get a bed. Then it took another 30 minutes before a nurse came in, then another hour before the ultrasound that finally showed our baby is ok. They suck! Sure, I actually had stopped bleeding sometime while waiting, but I didn't know this. Wife helped calm me down - she found friends to come watch Kids so she could join me. She was so mad about my not having a room that she started going up to the desk every 10 minutes and fighting for me. Then calling everyone an idiot. Made it so I didn't have to. Anyway, after ultrasound and pelvic, Dr. ER says something about hemorrhage behind placenta, and leaves the room. Leaves me nobody except Dr. Google, which had an array of prognoses but not a lot of helpful information. I am 16 weeks pregnant, just inside the second trimester. I read a bit about what I think this means during the first trimester (subchorionic hematoma) and even during the third trimester (placenta abruptio), but what about me? Another 30 minutes and Dr. ER says diagnosis is "Threatened Miscarriage" with a 50-50 outcome. He mentions a "tear." Suggests bed rest and no work for 4-5 days. Come back if it gets worse. Thanks.

Funny part, though: I went in for a urine sample, and I was so distracted and wondering how the bleeding was that I peed so I could wipe. Then I used cleansing toilette and opened the urine sample cup and THEN realized Holy Crap - I already peed! When I came out I told the nurse "it didn't work" and Wife was like "what? how does it not work?" and I had to tell them what I moron I was. Had to laugh because it was just such an idiot move.

OK, so talked to midwife on call on Sat evening and spent next 24 hours in bed and on couch. Contemplating 50-50 chance. Trying to think happy thoughts. Oh, also went to my wonderful acupuncturist who made time for me on Sunday morning. Sadly she also gave me some of the most foul-tasting herbs to drink, but if it works... Then Wife had the brilliant idea of calling Dr. PAN (IVF doc) who just happened to be in the office on a Sunday afternoon (gotta love workaholic docs). He gave me some reassurance, that if there wasn't any more bleeding since the first incidence it is probably all fine. We saw heartbeat and I wasn't having major cramping, etc. "But would you feel better if you came in for an ultrasound tomorrow?" Does a bear shit in the woods? Hell yes. (He also offered Sunday afternoon ultrasound, but his office is too far and I wasn't up for it.)

So I went to Dr. PAN at 8:45 this morning. Such a difference. He got me right in, of course, and immediately put me at ease. Showed beautiful Baby. Showed intact placenta. Showed subchorionic hematoma but not of an alarming size. Thought it would go away as Baby gets bigger. Does not recommend bed rest (only after two bleeds during second trimester - would be different if later in pregnancy). Gives a mere 5% chance of miscarriage. Even threw in a picture and free anatomy scan, but that turned out to be inconclusive.

(Gee - I need to post more often...this is LONG!)

So here I am with two quite different views on what is happening, and I really don't know exactly what to do with all the information. I have one more appointment this afternoon - with a new OB since I am not feeling that a midwife is going to be enough anymore. Work is putting crazy stress on me - when I emailed my boss to tell him what was up and give him info he would need if I was not reachable, he never emailed back. No sorry to hear that or rest or thanks or anything. But I also said that while on bed rest I hope to be able to work since sitting around doing nothing would drive me crazy. And then when the first little thing comes in from another VP, and I say I will do it and get back to her shortly, my boss says he has reassigned it. Even when I email to say I am available to help/work, he tells me to rest and he will handle things. Blah blah! If bed rest is supposed to reduce stress then I am doing something wrong. I think I would be better off at the office. (OK, not entirely. I do have appointments and I have spent the last hour or so doing this post.) I am concerned about what this means for my career future, but trying to focus on the priority here. Just wish I had better answers about how much energy I need to give Baby - I know better, safer to overdo Baby-focus. Just don't know what the cost will be, and that bothers me.

But in the end, healthy Baby in 24 more weeks is the best outcome. And I need to focus on that. The other stuff can be worked out later. I guess I can't get too much rest and the potential cost of not getting enough rest is too high. Man - why does it take me posting a book to get at something that is so obvious?

NT Testing Results

Good news on the baby-is-healthy front. But first let me set the stage...

I have to admit the ultrasound tech got me a little worried at first: Kiddo was being a little less than cooperative and wouldn't roll over. And I blew it by forgetting to drink lots of water beforehand. (The 4 glasses I chugged right before the scan didn't reach my bladder in time...) So anyway, the tech had lots of time trying to get Kiddo into the right position, and while she was waiting she looked around lots, showed lots of pictures of beautiful hands, feet, legs, etc. She was super chatty and even cracked a few jokes, mostly about me being almost upside down on the chair (hoping that would entice Kiddo to roll, but it didn't really). Anyway, when she finally got good NT readings, she suddenly clammed up. Completely. Then folded the towel over my tummy and said the doctor would be in soon to discuss the results. At this point my heart was beating so fast!

So, of course I turn to Wife to look for some reassurance. But it turns out she is really pissed at me and not in the mood to talk. Big cold shoulder. Apparently one of the things I was "chatting" with the tech about was the Kiddo's gender, and I mentioned how I didn't want to know it (if that was a possibility, just so it didn't accidentally come out). Wife replied, "Well 'we' aren't against knowing. I want to know." to which I replied "But luckily I get to decide." And that is why the entire ultrasound was ruined for Wife. Now maybe I shouldn't have said that. Maybe not as flippantly as I did. But isn't this something that I do get to decide? We have talked about it. This was not news to her. But apparently she is still pretty bitter about it, so I shouldn't have rubbed her nose in it? Did I? Well, I am feeling a bit conflicted - I apologized immediately but only half-heartedly. And I don't know if I feel like apologizing for real. I don't know if I feel bad. I don't know if I should feel bad. Do I need to be aware and considerate of the fact that it is hard for her not to be the pregnant one? Do I need to remind her that it was really hard for me when she was pregnant and I felt secondary? Knowing how I felt, should I make extra efforts to make sure she doesn't feel that way? Or do I get to enjoy being pregnant because now it is my turn? I am definitely going to have to think on this one a lot more.

But the bigger issue it brings up is what am I going to do during labor? I am much more seriously considering getting a doula now. Can you imagine if I accidentally said something while in the throes of labor pains that upset Wife and she froze me out? Wouldn't that make for a fun birth experience? Crap - I am so NOT in a good place right now. And it is stressing me out!

But back to the good news...Nuchal measurements were 1.3-1.4 mm, well below the 2.5 mm "borderline" for the Kiddo's size. Woo hoo! In fact, the risk of Down's is 1 in 1,400  and risk of Trisomy 18 is 1 in 13,000. OK! By the way, Kiddo is measuring 13w2d (when I should really only be 12w5d based on midwife adjustment and 12w4d based on IVF date). So maybe a little earlier birth? Hopefully not a really big baby - medium big would be perfect. Big baby birth scares my hoohoo.

OK, so now that I actually have work I need to shift into productive mode. Let me get things done for work, let me pay my bills, organize my papers, make plans to be with friends and address the serious issues with Wife. I need a plan and I will make one!

The Ultimate To-Do List

I ran across a pregnancy checklist this weekend. I thought "this will be fun" and decided to see where I sit. Not to brag too much, but I am rocking the first trimester steps. I am particularly proud of starting the belly shots (at 12 weeks exactly last Friday). Went out and bought size 36Ginormous bras over the weekend - it really isn't pretty! Have a long list of possible names that needs to be winnowed. Eating right, etc.

Admittedly, I could be better about drinking water and getting to bed early. I am slightly behind on "choose a caregiver" because I don't particularly like the one I initially chose, so I have an appointment next week with a different midwife and we will see if this is a better match. And I am completely putting my head in the sand regarding "make a baby budget." Budgeting and I just don't seem to get along very well.

Each year, and often more times throughout the year, I make a budget -- but I don't follow it. I am terrible about following it. And somehow things work out in the end. I am always stressed about finances at the beginning of the year. Tax withholdings are highest, I have to meet my healthcare deductible, I get the bills from Christmas. It is an ugly financial time. So really, now is not the time to be looking at forming a budget - it will only stress me out, and isn't stress really bad for a pregnancy? So I think it is actually a smart move to forego the budget analysis. (snarky laugh)

Back to the list, because it is nice to feel prepared: Some second trimester activities done. Signed up for prenatal yoga class. Tracking weight gain. Not going to find out critter's gender until big surprise at birth (but my money is on a girl). Kids know and are excited. Got lots of maternity clothes and wearing them regularly. Adult time? Not with Kids. Some date nights, but wish I could date somebody else's Wife. Just sayin' Pets are prepared. Pets are already aware they have been demoted. Have childcare for new critter - do need to figure out who looks after Kids while I am in labor. 

I even have a few of the third trimester activities already checked off. Pediatrician - check. Will work after birth - check. No circumcision - check. Crib set up - check. Yes, we got "big kid beds" for the Kids this weekend, and spent the day on Sunday setting them up, converting one of their toddler beds back into a crib and figuring out how all of that, plus two dressers and a changing table are going to fit into one bedroom. But I think it can be done. Girl absolutely loves her bed and bedding -- she looks so tiny in such a big bed. Boy splays out and almost fills the bed already. He looks like he belongs in this new bed and doesn't so much love it as much as feels completely at home in it. They are sometimes so completely different.

Wonder what the third will be like. (It is too late for anything to split into twins, right?)

Hodge Podge and Hormones

I forgot way back in January (January 11, to be exact), I graduated from the IVF clinic! Woo hoo. Conveniently I was at the midwife getting an ultrasound so the transition was pretty easy. Sadly the IVF clinic still sent me a bill for another $2,000. I thought everything was included! So bitter over that one.

Kiddo measured a little big I guess, because the midwife moved my due date up to August 12. I know, it isn't going to matter one day or another, which irks me a little - why bother changing it one or two days? Especially when we know on exactly which day "conception" took place. But anyway, now I have to white-out the highly decorated August 14 day in my calendar and put stars and such on a new day. Fortunately I hadn't started taking weekly/monthly belly shots yet because I would have to change all my 7w photos labels to 7w2d, etc. Seriously - what a pain!

I hope the belly shots will start tonight. I just have to figure out what to wear. I want to wear something that I will be able to squeeze into the entire pregnancy. But since I have no clue what size I will get...I know I am over thinking this, but that is what I do best. Plus I don't want to do the bra or underwear thing (even swimsuit top that looks like a bra) because Wife did it and it weirded people out to look at her all preggers and half naked. Whatever!

So I have quite a little pop/belly going on. Apparently (based on my new due date) I am officially 12 weeks today. So I have heard that it is probably all gas. Again, Whatever! I am pregnant and now I look pregnant - and have I mentioned recently that I feel pregnant? (yea, can't wait for this first trimester thing to be over so I can enjoy eating again.)

So between the nausea and the hemorrhoids (is that TMI?), I am really miserable here. I don't want to complain, but it is really my tush that is driving me batty. I sit at a desk all day and I am so uncomfortable. The only relief I get is when I take a warm bath in the evening. And that is getting really hard to do because Wife is getting tired of me not taking over for her the second I walk in the door. Which is leading to me getting really grumpy with her, so I am short, and then she is cranky with me and we are Not in a Good Place right now. I need a vacation from her.

On a good note, Kids are not driving me totally batty. Girl has been so super sweet, kinda like a leech that won't let me out of her sight when I am home, but nice and cuddly and supportive too. I am taking this wonderful (NOT!) magnesium powder to help combat the constipation and I totally overdid it. What I thought would be just a little fart turned into a bit more, as I was mortified to discover. I was quietly cleaning up my clothes when Girl noticed what I was doing. She looked at me with the most innocent look of wonder. "Did you have an accident, Mommy?" Me: Yes, I did. Her: Oh. Can we plan hide-and-seek? Thank you child for not making me feel like a complete loser! (Again, TMI? Sorry!)

I finally did it - I woke up early this morning and exercised before anyone woke up. I want to be physically active during my pregnancy - for endorphins, so I don't become a total blob, to support a strong labor, for so many reasons! And yet there were so many excuses not to - can't find the time, so so tired/need to sleep, feeling pukey, etc. We got a treadmill for Christmas because I knew I would never find the time to get to the gym. But then I discovered I can't use the treadmill when Kids are awake because they want to go on it with me (and they simply aren't coordinated enough and it is really stressful). So that restricted treadmill time to before 6:30 or after 9:00. I thought I would be able to do it late at night, but I have found that I don't have the juice. So this morning, I set the alarm for 6:00 and I only snoozed once. This left me an easy 20 minutes, which I considered a good start. And I actually felt really good this morning - a little more energetic for it. But yikes - tomorrow is the weekend. Do I wake up early again to continue "the trend" or do I wait to try again on Monday?

Have I mentioned that I want to bury Wife for a while? I think I brushed over my intense annoyance with her. She is so cranky. I can't stand her one-word answers and her defensiveness. I hate having to talk to her about anything because I know it is going to turn into a fight. She says "Dinner is obviously ready" and I say "why obviously?" and she says "Because I am not in the kitchen cooking." I am thinking this doesn't seem like an obvious conclusion to me...she could have not started yet (which was happening when we were eating late a few weeks ago because she was not feeling well so she didn't start dinner until I came home and she couldn't avoid it any longer), dinner could be in the oven (you know, a hands-off cooking approach like the casseroles I tend to make) or dinner could be done. Well, I said this -- I said I didn't think it was obvious and I explained myself (skipping the parts in parentheses) and her response: "You're an ass." Her response = totally uncalled for. But I see where she thinks I just pick on everything she says. So she says something is obvious, and I have to jump on her and say she is wrong, it isn't obvious. And I probably overreacted to being told something was obvious when it didn't feel that way to me. I know, hormones -- it is probably my fault, my doing. But in the state I am in, I don't much care. OK, not true. I care a lot, but I need some room. Well, I guess we both need some counseling and back-to-basics on communication skills. I am going to be under the hormonal influence for several more months and it isn't going to be pretty is we keep at each other's throats.

Other random thoughts of course, but this post is long enough. I am putting it in writing so I hopefully keep my focus - I want to blog every (work)day next week.

Cat's Out of the Bag

Last Friday was fun at work - I came out as pregnant and got lots of hugs and congratulations. And coming in to work this morning, in my maternity pants (!), was so much fun. I haven't seen anybody yet, but I just feel so much happier knowing that I don't have to pretend to be gaining weight for bad reasons. And I get to feel as though my future baby is here with me in the office. Very cool!

So my boss, a guy, was very excited. He used to be a birthing coach (ick!) so we wanted a few extra details but overall was very cool. He stated flat out that now is time for me to relax, do my work but don't worry about coming in early or staying late. I told me my only concern was commuting toward the end of the pregnancy - at that time my company will have moved and the drive will be at least an hour each way. He immediately told me that I could work from home. (He then backtracked to say it would happen if he had anything to say about it, and hopefully we don't get any opposition from his boss, though, so it is not entirely set in stone.) Anyway, my boss is supportive and happy for me -- every time I saw him later in the day he was kinda gushing. Pretty funny!

Now my boss's boss was a little less enthusiastic. He said congratulations. When I assured him I would be returning to work, he mentioned that a lot of women change their minds, and he hopes I do come back but he would not hold it against me if I didn't. Ummm, does he know my life? As if I even have the option of not working? Besides the fact that staying home full-time would drive me batty, we have that little requirement of income. So unless I will the lottery, I will be back. (And if I win the lottery, I would still be working, only in a high school!)

So my boss's boss's boss (yes, I am that much of a peon in this organization) was also very excited for me. She talked about how she felt during her pregnancies. Told me to take good care of myself. Has no concerns about me coming back. Very excited to throw a baby shower (how cute is that?).

But the coolest part is that I felt so free telling everyone we did IVF and that it took a long time for me to get pregnant - it just felt so much better to share the struggle side along with the celebration. Also, I love how nobody asked how many babies and I didn't get any of the "good thing it isn't twins" response. (Turns out I am still a little sad about that one.) Overall a great experience and let's hope it doesn't come back to bite me.

Back in the Saddle

It has been too long since I have written and I feel its impact. I need this opportunity to focus on how I am doing and check in with myself. And so I vow to try harder to make time...

But first let me give excuses for why I have been gone so long
(1) I was out of town for 5 days and I only blog at work. At this point, Wife knows I have a blog, but since I don't want her reading it or mentioning it to anyone (or reading it!!!), I think it is best something that I reserve for when I am not with my family.
(2) Work has been crazy busy. With my boss asking me to drop everything and work on a top priority, confidential project needed in a few hours, and then his boss coming in and telling me the exact same thing, only in regards to a different project that I am not supposed to mention even to my boss. So I am in a pickle doing twice as much secret last-minute work than I really should be. And this is leaving very little time for me to get my real work done, much less fun things like blogging.
(3) I am pregnant. This brings with it a lack of energy, a shifty mind and a bag-full of guilt. I know I need to get over it, but honestly I wonder if I should just start a new blog so I don't have to worry about the people who are still struggling with infertility reading my vapid complaints and thinking what a callous heel I am. I know, they don't have to read this. They are big girls and well, I have seen my stats - nobody is reading this anyway! And yet I found it so helpful to have this blog as I was working through trying to get pregnant, and I don't know how to transition that into a "happy blog" that chronicles the other side. For some reason, a part of me is not ready to let infertility go. Is that weird?

While I was out of town, I saw a boat-load of family. Immediate family, extended family, extended in-law family. It was awesome that (mostly) everyone already knew I was pregnant. I was so open about the IVF that word had spread, and it was pretty fun to celebrate over and over. I heard lots of "you are glowing!" and it felt fantastic. When asked how I was feeling, my standard response was "Nauseous, but not complaining. Still no vomiting and in a strange way, feeling icky is reassuring." Of course I also wore a dress that made my pooch stick out a little bit more (even if it is only gas at this point). And I wore my elastic maternity pants. Because I worked hard for this pregnancy and I am going to celebrate it - the whole nine months!

And then there was my brother-in-law's sister-in-law, who I know has had a hard time trying to get pregnant with her third kid. Something is up, but I don't know what, where IVF isn't an option. And of course I couldn't say anything because I am not really supposed to know, and instead I didn't have any clue what to say to her about anything. I just wanted to make it easier for you, or as easy as it could be when she is at a party with my sister (who is 8 months pregnant), her other sister-in-law (who has a 3-month old) and me (10 weeks along). I wish I hadn't known anything.

But back to celebrating. I am thinking about telling my boss soon, as in tomorrow. I think it will be so much more fun when I don't have to hide it at work. I was originally going to wait until after bonus decisions, but it was just confirmed that we have no money for bonuses this year (drat!). So I don't think there is any reason for me to wait. It might help them understand why I have been looking so green lately. Plus my office neighbor, who is the only one at work who does know, says my boobs are getting really big and she is worried it may be obvious. So that's the plan for tomorrow.

Other than that, I need to go take a nap. All this writing is exhausting!

Elastic pants with really big tummy covers

Yesterday was my last progesterone coochie pill. Can a get a woohoo? I think this means I am officially pregnant for real. Of course, I have to get blood work tomorrow to confirm that I am creating enough hormones on my own, but I feel good that I am. I wonder if I will feel less nauseated when I am on my own hormones. A girl can dream.

9w1d and things still going well. I had another ultrasound last Friday. "Kidney Bean" or "KB" measured in at 8w4d, just as he or she should. I can't believe how much KB is starting to look like a little baby. I say little arm buds and leg buds and that wonderfully sparkling heartbeat. I have an appointment with the midwife tomorrow to transfer from the IVF clinic to mainstream care. That means another ultrasound! 

Wife went out last week and bought me a whole bunch of maternity clothes. Mostly pants. I feel silly wearing them because I am not technically showing yet. I am just bigger -- putting on a few pounds due to eating to avoid tossing my cookies and the weight does seem to have distributed differently. I asked the one co-worker who knows I am pregnant to tell me when I stopped "passing as fat" so I can tell my boss before it is too obvious. She said she sees no difference, but asked if perhaps my boobs were bigger. They are. She cautioned me because in her experience men don't notice when tummies get bigger, just when boobs do. So I am wearing jackets and minimizing my top at work. At home, I put on the pants with the elastic waist and go to town. They may not be attractive but they are super comfortable. Plus they make me feel pregnant. So while I may not completely need them, they sure are fun.

Why do I keep reading TTC blogs?

So I have been spending an alarming number of my work hours reading blogs - and not just any blogs - blogs of people still battling infertility, still trying to conceive. And I was starting to get alarmed. Is this some sick side of me that isn't understanding that I am actually pregnant? Or worse, am I getting satisfaction out of out women's struggles and not being in that position anymore? I was so shamed by myself, only that didn't really feel like the reason. And I finally figured it out. Blogs about TTC are sadness often masked with humor. And I get those. I like those. I crave those.

I tried to read some "i am pregnant" blogs, but they are quite boring. Day 1: Nausea, Day 2: Nausea, Day 3: Nausea and Vomiting, etc. Plus there is the added pressure that if something happened to an incubating fetus on someone's blog, I would likely transfer the experience into fear and I really don't need that. And sure, a part of me is a little competitive: so-and-so is pregnant with twins and somehow she manages not to fall asleep by 8pm...what is wrong with me? So nope, the pregnant blogs aren't for me.

I also read a few of the parenting blogs, but they seem so fake. I was particularly drawn to twin parenting blogs, and of course there are a lot of them out there - but they are all so sugar-coated or they just skim the surface of crazy life with twins. I don't see anybody writing with the humor I crave about how they sometimes want to strangle their kids and move to Tahiti. I suppose that would be in poor taste to share with the world and might land someone with a visit from CPS.

So I remain reading the blogs of the infertiles. I am so thankful for their honesty, their strength, their moxie. I need a daily dose of Hope -- even though I do have an embryo implanted inside me, sometimes it is still really scary that it might not last - I need to be reminded that no matter what happens I am doing my best and I am not alone. So I will continue to look for new blogs to read and new lives to peer into - and I send many thanks.

Back in Town

There are so many advantages to a forced shut-down at work, and despite the few unpaid days, I feel really fortunate that I was able to spend almost two weeks with just my family and myself and not think one bit about work. What a blessing! Of course, getting back into the swing of things isn't easy -- and that seems to have spilled over to my blog.

On the one had I feel like I have nothing to report. And this is a good thing: I am still pregnant.

But the other part of me wants to record what I feel like and what little things are going on, just to capture the moment. So here goes: I have had mild to medium nausea but no tossing my cookies (and I daresay I won't this entire pregnancy - because I am not a good vomiter). I have managed to combat the exhaustion by taking daily naps (which ended today since I am at the office but I am hanging in there). I have a little muffin top tummy bulge, but I can't figure out if that is because I have a grapefruit-sized uterus or because I have been eating every 2 hours to combat the nausea. I can't close my skinny jeans as of this weekend, but I still fit in most everything else. I still have a hard time concentrating on anything unrelated to pregnancy (at work, at home).

Up at the snow last week I was pulling Boy up a hill in an inner tube and seriously bit it. I landed flat out on my face. Thank goodness for my swollen boobs, which broke the fall and protected my belly. Boy thought it was hilarious! Boy and Girl have been having a very fun time thinking about Baby. They like to save things or make sure there is a third item "for the baby." They also try to guess whether Baby will be a girl or a boy. Wife and I asked Kids how they will know if Baby is a boy - I love the fact that Girl said Baby would not have a coochie. It is excellent that she doesn't see a coochie as absence of a penis.

Of course Girl wants a girl and Boy wants a boy -- and I am finally getting over not having twins in my belly. I am struggling to get over feeling like a lump. I have a hard time arguing with myself about whether to tough it out and fight through the nausea and exhaustion, or whether to rest and take it easy. When I push ahead, I just end up getting grumpy and snapping and I am no fun to be around. (I have shown particular lack of patience with the kids, especially when they are not listening, and I hate yelling at them when they are only being 3 year olds - but really, how many times do you need to be asked to get your socks on???) And when I rest I just feel like a wimp and that maybe I am missing something - and maybe I am just a big loser.

And of course I am avoiding thinking about Wife and how we are doing. Well, sometimes better than others. She has been taking on a lot more and I really appreciate it. Of course, when I tell her this she says she is not doing anything different - I am only now noticing it. But I have managed to realize that Wife is really down, she has gained a lot of weight recently and she is putting off taking care of herself. She talks about it, but hasn't started it yet. And although I hate making excuses (ok, that is not entirely true - I make excuses all the time - but I hate lame excuses), I don't think any work on "us" is going to get anywhere until she starts on "her," and I don't know that I can help that happen.

I had a dream last night that I was staying at a hostel that was suddenly taken over by an outlaw gang and all guests were held prisoner. I was single and young, and while I was upset and scared, it really wasn't that awful. At the beginning I plotted with some of the other prisoners about how to escape, but then we saw one guy who tried get shot and killed. So then I worked on getting on the guards' good side and I got a lot more privileges, like the ability to walk the common areas rather than being trapped in the stinky rooms. And at one point I was sitting in the lobby with another "guest" and one guard left the front door open. We looked at each other to see if we should make a run for it. Eventually I decided that it wasn't so bad where we were, and I wasn't going to risk it trying to get out. I remember feeling, as I said this in my dream, that this was not a good sign. That I had lost my will to fight for what I wanted and deserved. That I was complacent with being held a prisoner. This dream, which ended soon after the lobby incident by Girl waking up, has haunted me today. Not really sure what to do about it.  

Well, I suppose there is a bit for me to write about, even if reluctantly.