Shifting to Green

They really shouldn't call it the Baby Blues - especially for someone who has a history of depression -- it is so much more than that. And now that I am actually feeling stronger, more even, I can see how much bigger the "Blues" were than blues. And I was terrified that I had PPD. Because it felt so much larger than Blues. I wasn't sad; I was inconsolable. I was devastated. I was raw, gutted, empty. And then I find out this is normal??? Excuse me, but this is not Blues - this is Dark, Dark Grey, maybe even Black.

But luckily I am actually feeling a little bit beyond the blues, perhaps touching green. This is not to say that I am not still at the whims of my hormones, or that I am all chipper and happy. But I am not crying all the time. I am starting to feel connected to Baby - and to see how cute he is, and how we have this amazing bond. I still don't feel like I thought I would considering he came out of my body. I am still waiting for that "I love him so much I don't know what to do with myself" feeling, but I seriously doubt that I will ever have that. I don't operate that way.

I feel like it took me forever to start to feel better. But it couldn't have been that long -- Baby is only 3 weeks old. We have only been home for a bit over 2 weeks. I am grateful for my Sister, who pointed out that difficulty breastfeeding is SOOOOO normal (which is why there are so many lactation consultants) and that my hormones are making the game unfair -- they have all the power and I am at their mercy. And my friend from Portland has reached out in such a nice way. My Couple Friend from in town has also been great - nice when they come over, bringing dinner, texting to see how I am feeling. And of course Acupuncturist has been super-supportive and helpful. Therapist is here for me too. Sometimes, in fact, I have felt a little over-supported. Like I have all these people to go to...why don't I feel better? But one week later, I see how everyone has been helping me reach the place I am now...if not happiness, stability.

The only person missing is Wife. I know she cares. I know she loves me. But her manner of dealing with my having a hard time is to lock down control. To clam up and shut off her emotions. To tell everyone what they should do and to shut me out. I am so tired of her one-word responses and inappropriate defensiveness and unfounded accusations. I am not making any rash decisions, but I fantasize about being a single mom. And I plan ways to avoid her. I wish I could just keep my mouth shut when I am around her, because absolutely everything I say is wrong. And it is so tiring to be picked on all the time. But since I can't seem to keep my trap shut, I am better off not being around her. So much for this happy marriage.

But again, overall feeling so much better!

The only person miss