Caring for the Blob Baby

Baby is 17 days old. It is absolutely crazy how fast the time has passed. Sure, we had the first 6 days in the hospital, which just kind of blended together since we were up around the clock. But now we have been home over a week. On the plus side, I think we have a good routine starting. On the bad side, everything is constantly changing, I need it to continue changing, and I worry about how things are going.

The most important thing on my mind right now is breastfeeding. What a struggle! Tomorrow is our first OT appointment, so hopefully we can figure out how to get Baby on my breast, getting what he needs directly from me. I will be so happy to be done with massive pumping. At least I think I will be so happy. Truth is, there are some advantages...but let me back up.

Right now I am pumping every 2-3 hours during the day. All day. But sleeping at night - for my sanity. Until today I was getting about 1/2 to 2/3 ounce per breast per pump. I have been taking fenu.greek and dom.peridone for 4 days and I am starting to see a difference. I think. I have been pretty bad about regular pumping today and when you pump less frequently, you get more at each pump (but that is not good for stimulating production since you need to empty the boob frequently for that). Anyway, today I have been pumping almost 1 ounce per breast per pump. So the last few days I have been supplementing with formula a few ounces (6 ounces yesterday), but it seems like today I may be able to feed him entirely on breastmilk. That would make me so happy!

I know feeding him formula is not terrible. There are plenty of kids who were exclusively formula-fed who turn out great. It just isn't how I imagined it. I really wanted to breastfeed. I wanted to nurse. But bottle-feeding, or finger feeding as we are now doing, has its advantages. For one, Wife can take a more active role in feeding Baby. Especially at 3am. Or I can leave the house without Baby and not take away his food source. And I am going back to work in few months anyway, so eventually we will be bottle-feeding. But there is a lot of gear required. And pumping is less efficient, meaning I have to do it more. I am so over pumping every few hours. And still not having enough.

But then I find out that even though he has been gaining weight - and quickly! - we probably aren't giving him enough. According to a chart I just found, he should be eating about 23 ounces each day. He has been getting 18 ounces. So now we need to increase his feeds (amount not number), which means I am even further away from my goal of exclusive breastmilk. Crap!

It stinks not being able to provide food for my baby. I know it isn't my fault. There were just too many things that just happened - the dextrose drip on day 2, thinking that he was nursing well from days 5 to 10 but getting very little actual stimulation, using home pump for days 11 through 13 - to think I would have incredible supply. I don't know how this is going to turn out.

On the other hand, I made it through the day without crying (finally!) and I feel like I am actually starting to get a handle on things. I had a great conversation yesterday with a friend from college who lives in Portland. I really wish I had a friend like her closer by - it is so refreshing to be able to be open, honest and flawed without risk of rejection. Oh she has seen me at pretty bad, and she is still my friend. Then this afternoon two local friends came over with their family and we all had dinner together. It was great to connect with people - and it helped show me what I am doing already. Three adults managed to entertain and feed 6 kids and it wasn't chaos. Woohoo!

And Baby is finally starting to open his eyes. He is staying more awake after each feed and looking around without screaming. He had a great few moments this evening watching Girl and Boy making faces for him. I am not exactly sure what to do with him - how do I interact with a little Blob Baby - but I think we will continue to work it out.

So Much Harder than I Thought...

Here I am 14 days postpartum, and struggling more than I did trying to get pregnant, being pregnant or laboring. Last week completely slipped away from me as I drown in a hormonal pool of self-pity. And shame. And embarrassment. I don't even know why.

By all accounts Baby is doing well. He had a bit of a rough start, and I could certainly work it up to more than it was, when in comparison to so many who are born with huge issues, his weren't really that major. Yet somehow the departure from my ideal shook me and I was so unprepared for it...I was rocked to the core and did not recover well. I am not proud of my reaction, but at least today, I realize I can't dwell on it anymore. Being upset with myself about how I handled things is not helping.

Instead I need to focus on what is going well. Through lots of pumping, fenugreek and Dom.peridone, it appears my milk might be coming back and I might get to breastfeed. My brain is slightly clearer so I can schedule the miscellaneous doctors appointments to help Baby learn how to latch/use his tongue. There are people out there, near me, who clearly care for me. Who are here for me. And I don't have to feel guilty leaning on them.

I suppose I will still struggle with feeling inadequate. With wishing Baby had a better Mom than me. I suppose all I can do it promise to keep trying harder to be nicer to myself and to appreciate the things that are going well.And to take the best care of him, and the rest of my family, that I can.