Here I am 14 days postpartum, and struggling more than I did trying to get pregnant, being pregnant or laboring. Last week completely slipped away from me as I drown in a hormonal pool of self-pity. And shame. And embarrassment. I don't even know why.
By all accounts Baby is doing well. He had a bit of a rough start, and I could certainly work it up to more than it was, when in comparison to so many who are born with huge issues, his weren't really that major. Yet somehow the departure from my ideal shook me and I was so unprepared for it...I was rocked to the core and did not recover well. I am not proud of my reaction, but at least today, I realize I can't dwell on it anymore. Being upset with myself about how I handled things is not helping.
Instead I need to focus on what is going well. Through lots of pumping, fenugreek and Dom.peridone, it appears my milk might be coming back and I might get to breastfeed. My brain is slightly clearer so I can schedule the miscellaneous doctors appointments to help Baby learn how to latch/use his tongue. There are people out there, near me, who clearly care for me. Who are here for me. And I don't have to feel guilty leaning on them.
I suppose I will still struggle with feeling inadequate. With wishing Baby had a better Mom than me. I suppose all I can do it promise to keep trying harder to be nicer to myself and to appreciate the things that are going well.And to take the best care of him, and the rest of my family, that I can.
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