Unless it is found on an ultrasound. Then it looks awesome!!!
We found ONE strong heartbeat and I suppose it is official: I am pregnant. Half of me is flying over the moon right now. I am so excited. It is real. My friends all say I am glowing - and I feel it. I feel pretty good overall and mentally I am much less scared that anything will happen to this pregnancy (other than birth at the end). I saw my little baby today. Amazing!
The other half of me? So embarrassed to say that she is disappointed not to be having twins. I mean, my family really doesn't need twins. We can barely afford the ones we have already, etc. etc. Maybe it is that having one baby after having twins is "less"? Maybe it is part fear of something new? OMIGOD - I am going to be able to get some sleep the first few months. (Not a lot, but some!) But my little baby isn't going to have a twin. Isn't going to have an automatic best buddy. My little baby is going to be a singleton. Is it wrong that it makes me kinda sad?
So I figure these feelings might stick around for a day or so. I have no doubt that I will get over them eventually. But I have to say I am a little torn and while I wish I were having a totally exuberant day, I guess I just have to realize that quite a bit about pregnancy, birth and motherhood may surprise me. And I am just going to have to roll with it, 'cuz that's the type of gal I am (or at least the type I want to be).
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
One Week Until Ultrasound
So what is it going to be - one, two or three? Everyone keeps asking me if I have a sense. Of course they mean well, but this drives me crazy. Only because I don't have a sense, and I so wish I did. I feel like I missed out on sensing I was pregnant because of the progesterone I was taking. Of course I felt pregnant, but I couldn't say whether that feeling was from injections or because I was in touch with my body. And now I have another opportunity to feel what is going on inside me. And I am clueless. Seriously, how does 5w4d feel different for one compared with for two? I have nothing to compare it to anyway. And so I have to just take a random guess, because they want to hear something. So I say that I think it may be two, I am hoping for one (which is kinda true), but I don't think it is three.
But all I have to say is that it is a good thing I got pregnant a several weeks ago. For the past two weeks nobody in my house has slept due to colds, fevers and ear infections. And this has made my house a very yucky place to be. The kids are crying at the drop of a hat. They have no emotional control. And after hours of listening to them screaming, neither do Wife and I. We are all in serious need of a vacation from illness. Instead I think we are going to carry these germs with us right into the new year - I just don't see how we would be able to stop long enough to rest up and get better. Too many trips coming up. Fun trips, but is it wrong of me to be a little nervous about hanging out with in-laws without alcohol?
At least by then we will know the number so people can start asking about names rather than what I am feeling.
But all I have to say is that it is a good thing I got pregnant a several weeks ago. For the past two weeks nobody in my house has slept due to colds, fevers and ear infections. And this has made my house a very yucky place to be. The kids are crying at the drop of a hat. They have no emotional control. And after hours of listening to them screaming, neither do Wife and I. We are all in serious need of a vacation from illness. Instead I think we are going to carry these germs with us right into the new year - I just don't see how we would be able to stop long enough to rest up and get better. Too many trips coming up. Fun trips, but is it wrong of me to be a little nervous about hanging out with in-laws without alcohol?
At least by then we will know the number so people can start asking about names rather than what I am feeling.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
I miss Nyquil!
I was up most of the night with this darn cold. You know how "they" say if you sneeze with your eyes open your eyeballs will pop out? I have this irrational fear I will eject a fetus if I sneeze without pushing my knees together. And coughing is just downright painful. Please let me get healthy soon!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Boo hoo - I have a cold
There is nothing new to report since I am seriously sidelined by a nasty cold. I miss my Nyquil! But really, not complaining. Not nauseated today, and given the choice I think I would take runny nose over nausea.
About to go out with Wife and friends for "drinks." Will try very hard not to appear bored. Mustering up energy to fake being interested in Wife. I know that sounds callous and harsh, which is why I write it hear instead of saying it. I really really want to love her, but I just can't seem to these days. I spent over an hour this morning listening to her yell at Kids to stop yelling! Yes, they are obnoxiously loud these days, but I guarantee she wouldn't have seen the contradiction in her actions. But overall we have done a better job of not fighting this week. I just wonder if it is because I am avoiding issues and not speaking up for myself or if it is because we are making progress on not pissing each other off. Too soon to call.
Meanwhile gearing up for a busy weekend and resting as much as possible. Trying not to think too hard about the ultrasound next Thursday, which seems like an eternity away. So sad it had to be rescheduled from Tuesday. Would love to know how many are in there. I think I am going to be sad if there isn't two. But if I were honest, two would not be good for us. Twins is hard. Really hard. And 4 kids is a lot of kids. I know that our lives would be so much easier if we were to have a singleton. But part of me loves the fact that my Kids have each other in a way that can't be reproduced for a singleton. And part of it is selfish -- I want to belong to the twin group through direct experience.Why? I don't know. I get that I belong, that I am very involved with raising twins, and that is its own challenge. But I wonder what it would be like to be pregnant with twins. I mean, if being pregnant is an amazing experience, I can only imagine what being pregnant with twins must be like. And yet, I know twins would not be the best for me or for my family. And ultimately what is, is. So I will try over the next few days to consider removing disappointment as a possible response no matter what we see next week.
About to go out with Wife and friends for "drinks." Will try very hard not to appear bored. Mustering up energy to fake being interested in Wife. I know that sounds callous and harsh, which is why I write it hear instead of saying it. I really really want to love her, but I just can't seem to these days. I spent over an hour this morning listening to her yell at Kids to stop yelling! Yes, they are obnoxiously loud these days, but I guarantee she wouldn't have seen the contradiction in her actions. But overall we have done a better job of not fighting this week. I just wonder if it is because I am avoiding issues and not speaking up for myself or if it is because we are making progress on not pissing each other off. Too soon to call.
Meanwhile gearing up for a busy weekend and resting as much as possible. Trying not to think too hard about the ultrasound next Thursday, which seems like an eternity away. So sad it had to be rescheduled from Tuesday. Would love to know how many are in there. I think I am going to be sad if there isn't two. But if I were honest, two would not be good for us. Twins is hard. Really hard. And 4 kids is a lot of kids. I know that our lives would be so much easier if we were to have a singleton. But part of me loves the fact that my Kids have each other in a way that can't be reproduced for a singleton. And part of it is selfish -- I want to belong to the twin group through direct experience.Why? I don't know. I get that I belong, that I am very involved with raising twins, and that is its own challenge. But I wonder what it would be like to be pregnant with twins. I mean, if being pregnant is an amazing experience, I can only imagine what being pregnant with twins must be like. And yet, I know twins would not be the best for me or for my family. And ultimately what is, is. So I will try over the next few days to consider removing disappointment as a possible response no matter what we see next week.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Next Goals
So I am finally starting to accept the idea that I am pregnant - and that fear about something happening to this pregnancy is just not productive. So instead I am refocusing my attention to two things: eating well and addressing my relationship with Wife. [And as a result, I am pretty sure this blog will no longer be of interest to anyone from the IF world. Just saying....]
So for (1): I feel like I am eating all the time. And I am okay with this in that it makes me feel much better, and I understand gaining weight is part of being pregnant. The funny thing is that I am usually so totally unperturbed by my weight, and I generally run about 10-15 pounds over "ideal" weight. I am a good size 10, and nobody would call me skinny or fat. But over the last year, for some reason (probably stress from trying to get pregnant), I lost 10 pounds. And I like how it looked on me. Even more important, I like how my clothes were so much more comfortable! But yes, I gained that 10 pounds right back during the fresh IVF cycle, the weight came right off when the cycle didn't work/the hormones wore off, but it came right back on during FET cycle. So I am starting the pregnancy up 10 pounds. And now I am supposed to spend all day eating? Isn't that going to wreak total havoc with my weight? Isn't it true that at the beginning you aren't supposed to gain much weight? How does this happen if I am munching on saltines and ginger cookies all the time? If I am going to be eating all day, I want to be sure I am eating nutritious foods and I would like not to pack on too many pounds before the critter (or critters) need the extra calories. So I have to figure out what that means.
And for (2): I don't really have a plan for this one, but I want to formally acknowledge that I need to work on it and that I am not ignoring the issue. I finally feel more hormonally stable, even if I feel like crap energetically, and it is time for me to stand up for myself. I wish I didn't see it becoming adversarial but I have a strong sense that is unavoidable. Wife's defensive ways are so ingrained, she is all about fault and blame, all the time. But this is not my fault and I am not to blame. And I don't deserve the attitude and tone she gives me. So first item: read The Verbally Abusive Relationship and see what that brings up. Lots of "stuff" for posts I suppose.
So for (1): I feel like I am eating all the time. And I am okay with this in that it makes me feel much better, and I understand gaining weight is part of being pregnant. The funny thing is that I am usually so totally unperturbed by my weight, and I generally run about 10-15 pounds over "ideal" weight. I am a good size 10, and nobody would call me skinny or fat. But over the last year, for some reason (probably stress from trying to get pregnant), I lost 10 pounds. And I like how it looked on me. Even more important, I like how my clothes were so much more comfortable! But yes, I gained that 10 pounds right back during the fresh IVF cycle, the weight came right off when the cycle didn't work/the hormones wore off, but it came right back on during FET cycle. So I am starting the pregnancy up 10 pounds. And now I am supposed to spend all day eating? Isn't that going to wreak total havoc with my weight? Isn't it true that at the beginning you aren't supposed to gain much weight? How does this happen if I am munching on saltines and ginger cookies all the time? If I am going to be eating all day, I want to be sure I am eating nutritious foods and I would like not to pack on too many pounds before the critter (or critters) need the extra calories. So I have to figure out what that means.
And for (2): I don't really have a plan for this one, but I want to formally acknowledge that I need to work on it and that I am not ignoring the issue. I finally feel more hormonally stable, even if I feel like crap energetically, and it is time for me to stand up for myself. I wish I didn't see it becoming adversarial but I have a strong sense that is unavoidable. Wife's defensive ways are so ingrained, she is all about fault and blame, all the time. But this is not my fault and I am not to blame. And I don't deserve the attitude and tone she gives me. So first item: read The Verbally Abusive Relationship and see what that brings up. Lots of "stuff" for posts I suppose.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Oh No - back to Fear
Suddenly Fear has reared its ugly head. All of a sudden I formulated a grand explanation to support the idea that I am no longer pregnant. Irrational? Paranoid? Unfounded? Yes. Yes. Yes. But here it is anyway:
(1) Maybe the reason the clinic didn't want me to go in for additional betas was because the doctor knows the numbers won't be doubling. He is giving me 2 weeks to feel pregnant and I will find out there is nothing there at the ultrasound. Then he doesn't have to tell me the bad news on the phone.I know this is ridiculous - why would anyone want me to find out in person, at the ultrasound? But isn't it odd that I didn't go back for additional betas? I was so busy and thankful that I didn't have to drive the few hours to get additional testing that I didn't stop and think about how rare that is. In all the blogs that I have read (surely not all of them, but not a small number either), that has never been the case. Just weird.
(2) I am not as nauseated today as I used to be. I was actually fine not eating first thing in the morning, and a piece of toast an hour after waking kept me fine for hours. It used to be I had to eat almost constantly to keep from feeling queasy. The logical part of my brain reminds me that my nausea usually hits its stride around 2pm and parties through the evening. Not a morning-type nausea. But the irrational, worried part of me does not like feeling fine. (How twisted is that?)
(3) I just realized that I fell asleep last night without taking my prenatal. I don't know that this is a sign as much as a indicator that maybe my body knows taking the prenatal is not as important as I might otherwise think. Silly. I know.
(4) As soon as I admitted my fear, I started to get major cramping in my lower left abdominal area. What's up with that? (Prior cramping and pangs have almost always been on the right side, or sometimes both sides, but never just the left side.)
And this has gotten me seriously considering buying more HPTs. Will daily pee tests help me make it to ultrasound? I still have 2 weeks to wait - Please don't let me go crazy in the meantime!
(1) Maybe the reason the clinic didn't want me to go in for additional betas was because the doctor knows the numbers won't be doubling. He is giving me 2 weeks to feel pregnant and I will find out there is nothing there at the ultrasound. Then he doesn't have to tell me the bad news on the phone.I know this is ridiculous - why would anyone want me to find out in person, at the ultrasound? But isn't it odd that I didn't go back for additional betas? I was so busy and thankful that I didn't have to drive the few hours to get additional testing that I didn't stop and think about how rare that is. In all the blogs that I have read (surely not all of them, but not a small number either), that has never been the case. Just weird.
(2) I am not as nauseated today as I used to be. I was actually fine not eating first thing in the morning, and a piece of toast an hour after waking kept me fine for hours. It used to be I had to eat almost constantly to keep from feeling queasy. The logical part of my brain reminds me that my nausea usually hits its stride around 2pm and parties through the evening. Not a morning-type nausea. But the irrational, worried part of me does not like feeling fine. (How twisted is that?)
(3) I just realized that I fell asleep last night without taking my prenatal. I don't know that this is a sign as much as a indicator that maybe my body knows taking the prenatal is not as important as I might otherwise think. Silly. I know.
(4) As soon as I admitted my fear, I started to get major cramping in my lower left abdominal area. What's up with that? (Prior cramping and pangs have almost always been on the right side, or sometimes both sides, but never just the left side.)
And this has gotten me seriously considering buying more HPTs. Will daily pee tests help me make it to ultrasound? I still have 2 weeks to wait - Please don't let me go crazy in the meantime!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Bitten by the Happy Bug
It is finally seeping in...joy. happiness. excitement. wonder.
I had a biometric screening at work today in order to get company money toward my health care premiums. I got to check "pregnant" on the intake form. Woo hoo!
I actually told someone today that I was pregnant and didn't use the disclaimer "but it is still early, so we will see..." because that is always the case. And I want to be thinking positively. And there is really no reason that I should feel negatively. I mean sure, bad things happen. But so do good things. And I am going to put my faith in the good.
I think I may have been bitten by a happy bug. Or maybe the holiday bee. Or maybe this little critter inside me is an optimist by nature. Either way, I am feeling really uplifted these last few days.
I had a biometric screening at work today in order to get company money toward my health care premiums. I got to check "pregnant" on the intake form. Woo hoo!
I actually told someone today that I was pregnant and didn't use the disclaimer "but it is still early, so we will see..." because that is always the case. And I want to be thinking positively. And there is really no reason that I should feel negatively. I mean sure, bad things happen. But so do good things. And I am going to put my faith in the good.
I think I may have been bitten by a happy bug. Or maybe the holiday bee. Or maybe this little critter inside me is an optimist by nature. Either way, I am feeling really uplifted these last few days.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Sips of Joy
I went to see Acupuncturist today - she always helps me feel so much better. I shared how I am so confused and conflicted. Why am I not jumping for joy at being pregnant? This is exactly what I wanted. I thought I would be all woohoo - and instead I feel a little numb. Tentative. Happy but scared. And she reassured me that there was nothing wrong with what I am feeling. Sometimes it takes a while for the news to reach the heart, especially when it has been hurt before.
She suggested I do two things:
(1) Cut off reading other blogs -- to stop my mind from going to the what ifs and infinite possibilities. On the one hand, I totally see her point. I do lean toward the hypochondriac and I worry that I let myself get disturbed by other people's news. On the other hand, I have really enjoyed feeling connected to other people, and I am not sure how I feel about "joining" a mainstream pregnant group - and I don't want to give up this feeling of community. Plus I have selected about 8 blogs that I like to follow at this point. So advice #1 is under consideration.
(2) Take Sips of Joy -- it may seem overwhelming to drink a full glass or expect myself to suddenly be exuberant. So I should start by taking small amounts, and seeing how it tastes in my mouth. Playing with it. (If only I weren't so exhausted all the time!) I will give serious effort to advice #2.
Meanwhile, the theme of the day is headache. I am having some minor cramping, turning to major when I move suddenly and/or laugh (yeah, that didn't feel good). I am so tired, even though I went to bed at 9:30 last night. But really, the headache is killing me. OK, that's the complaining for the day. The rest is gravy. Sip sip.
She suggested I do two things:
(1) Cut off reading other blogs -- to stop my mind from going to the what ifs and infinite possibilities. On the one hand, I totally see her point. I do lean toward the hypochondriac and I worry that I let myself get disturbed by other people's news. On the other hand, I have really enjoyed feeling connected to other people, and I am not sure how I feel about "joining" a mainstream pregnant group - and I don't want to give up this feeling of community. Plus I have selected about 8 blogs that I like to follow at this point. So advice #1 is under consideration.
(2) Take Sips of Joy -- it may seem overwhelming to drink a full glass or expect myself to suddenly be exuberant. So I should start by taking small amounts, and seeing how it tastes in my mouth. Playing with it. (If only I weren't so exhausted all the time!) I will give serious effort to advice #2.
Meanwhile, the theme of the day is headache. I am having some minor cramping, turning to major when I move suddenly and/or laugh (yeah, that didn't feel good). I am so tired, even though I went to bed at 9:30 last night. But really, the headache is killing me. OK, that's the complaining for the day. The rest is gravy. Sip sip.
Monday, December 6, 2010
August 14, 2011 May be a Good Day
Great news! Beta #1 (15 days post fertilization) is at 257. He hopes for above 150 at this point. Doctor is comfortable enough that I don't need additional betas. I am loving this since I wasn't sure how I was going to fit other trips to doctor in my schedule. Other stats: Estrogen at 586 (continue shots 2x per week) and progesterone at 19.7 (continue coochie pills).
I don't know why but I am still in a daze and really mellow about this. Is it too much reading other blogs? Am I scared to say I am so happy for fear that something will take it away? Am I not actually thrilled? Well, as my acupuncturists says, I will just "sit with this" and see where it leads me. So far I think I am in a pretty incredible spot. 4w1d
I don't know why but I am still in a daze and really mellow about this. Is it too much reading other blogs? Am I scared to say I am so happy for fear that something will take it away? Am I not actually thrilled? Well, as my acupuncturists says, I will just "sit with this" and see where it leads me. So far I think I am in a pretty incredible spot. 4w1d
POAS is Evil, Evil, Evil
Yesterday's stick: positive
Today's stick: uncertain
When I peed, nothing showed up (whereas yesterday a very faint line showed up almost immediately). It was a "rapid response" version that is supposed to show results in 1 minute. Today, one minute after peeing, nothing showed up. But just as I was leaving for the clinic to have official blood work done, I showed the stick to Wife. And there was this faint little line. Wife couldn't see it, but I have seen enough of these online to know that there was the faintest of little lines there. So does this mean an ending to a chemical pregnancy? a crappy stick? pee-er error? Well, the clinic should call in a few hours. Any bets on whether I will get any actual work done in the meantime?
_____________________________
Fortunately I didn't have to wait long...
Today's stick: uncertain
When I peed, nothing showed up (whereas yesterday a very faint line showed up almost immediately). It was a "rapid response" version that is supposed to show results in 1 minute. Today, one minute after peeing, nothing showed up. But just as I was leaving for the clinic to have official blood work done, I showed the stick to Wife. And there was this faint little line. Wife couldn't see it, but I have seen enough of these online to know that there was the faintest of little lines there. So does this mean an ending to a chemical pregnancy? a crappy stick? pee-er error? Well, the clinic should call in a few hours. Any bets on whether I will get any actual work done in the meantime?
_____________________________
Fortunately I didn't have to wait long...
Sunday, December 5, 2010
I Saw Two Lines - the rest is a blur
This morning I couldn't wait any longer and I did it: I POAS....and I got two lines! Of course the line I care about is pretty faint, but there is no doubt that it is there. I am so cautiously excited, a little in shock, a tad bit scared and a pinch of festive. Of course I told Wife immediately, even though it was 4:45 am. (She tried to go back to sleep, but couldn't. I had to take my mom to the airport and act as though nothing were different. But it was. I mean, it is.) I texted my sister, who sent a very excited text back. I called my brother, who was also super-excited. Of course I told both it wasn't official yet. And Wife doesn't think I should tell anyone else. I don't think that is going to happen though. I know it is the prudent thing, but everyone knows I have been trying and that Monday (as in tomorrow) I go in for bloodwork. So what is the harm in telling them today? If I say I got a positive HPT and tomorrow it turns out I am not pregnant, then my friends/close family should know why I am suddenly a raving crazy beatch. But could that really happen? Do HPTs show false positives or chemicals? Shouldn't I just feel good that I got a positive and go with that? It's not like I am telling my boss or anything...
But here's the gist of my dilemma: I am going to a party this afternoon with 3 families. Of the three, I started "trying" first. Then Granola-mom started trying for her second and after that Soccer-Chick-friend started trying. Well, Soccer-chick-friend is now 8 weeks pregnant. If the HPT is to be trusted, I suppose I am about 4 weeks pregnant (oh my God!). And I am just not sure how Granola-mom is because technically she isn't even my friend; I only know her through Soccer-chick-friend. But if this has been really hard on her, or if she received bad news recently, etc. I would feel really bad blindsiding her with my happiness. Wife says this is ridiculous and I need to worry less about other people. I do agree with her to a point. I realized how "off" I am when I wondered about posting about the positive HPT on this blog - on my blog. Really, I worried about all the women who's blogs I follow that haven't been doing well or getting good news, and I felt guilty for my good news. I know this is messed up. I don't know these women. I don't even know if any of these women read my blog, which was intended to be an online journal for me anyway. And yet I worried that I would be perceived as insensitive. Greedy. Self-centered. I know, I am so messed up! But the good news, perhaps even better than the possible (probable?) pregnancy is that I am really starting to come into my own. I am recognizing things much better, and I am not staying trapped in the old pattern.
So here I am, celebrating some really awesome news and whoop-whooping on the inside even if my exterior looks dazed.
But here's the gist of my dilemma: I am going to a party this afternoon with 3 families. Of the three, I started "trying" first. Then Granola-mom started trying for her second and after that Soccer-Chick-friend started trying. Well, Soccer-chick-friend is now 8 weeks pregnant. If the HPT is to be trusted, I suppose I am about 4 weeks pregnant (oh my God!). And I am just not sure how Granola-mom is because technically she isn't even my friend; I only know her through Soccer-chick-friend. But if this has been really hard on her, or if she received bad news recently, etc. I would feel really bad blindsiding her with my happiness. Wife says this is ridiculous and I need to worry less about other people. I do agree with her to a point. I realized how "off" I am when I wondered about posting about the positive HPT on this blog - on my blog. Really, I worried about all the women who's blogs I follow that haven't been doing well or getting good news, and I felt guilty for my good news. I know this is messed up. I don't know these women. I don't even know if any of these women read my blog, which was intended to be an online journal for me anyway. And yet I worried that I would be perceived as insensitive. Greedy. Self-centered. I know, I am so messed up! But the good news, perhaps even better than the possible (probable?) pregnancy is that I am really starting to come into my own. I am recognizing things much better, and I am not staying trapped in the old pattern.
So here I am, celebrating some really awesome news and whoop-whooping on the inside even if my exterior looks dazed.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Oh No - The Urge to POAS is Too Great
I think I may be pulled to the dark side today. I don't know if I can wait the three more days until Beta. Sad part is, I have no clue what day I am. I know they froze Day 2 embryos, then thawed the day before FET - so does that mean I had a Day 3 transfer? If so, I suppose today is 9dp3dt. Is that enough for the test to be somewhat accurate? I think it is right on the cusp. 9dp2dt sounds too early - but I think I will look around and see when others POAS. I only wish I could save my money and wait until Monday - but I am pretty sure that is not going to happen.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Giving Thanks to the Blog
For whatever reason, last night was tough. By the time I crawled into bed with Wife I was mopey. And yet again, I became sadder from failed communication with Wife. Here is our conversation:
Her: How are you?
Me: Fiiiiine (in totally passive I-am-not-really-fine, 5-syllable way)
Pause. Silence. And I realize she is not going to ask me to expand, and because I am trying to get out of expecting her to do things that aren’t in her nature, and if I want to connect with her more, I am going to have to reach out, I decide to risk it.
Me: I am worried – I don’t feel pregnant.
Her: Don’t. Don’t.
Pause. Silence while I think about whether I want to react to her “support” or just keep talking and tell her why I don’t feel pregnant. And while I am still contemplating my options….
Her: You should just think positively. The mind is really powerful. You need to stay positive. Good night.
So there I was in bed feeling totally alone and really, really sad. But then I remembered my blog. And how I could write about how I was feeling, and why I was feeling that way, and a whole multitude of other things. And I was so grateful for this blog. So here goes:
I am feeling scared. I am really worried that I am not pregnant again. My “symptoms,” which I presume are really side-effects of the progesterone, are spotty at best. Sometimes I am really nauseated, but not so much recently. I am getting pangs and cramps in my lower abdomen, but I got those last time too. My boobs don’t hurt. (Yes, one of my symptoms is a lack of symptom – so sue me!) And perhaps most importantly, I am not insanely tired. I was exhausted the first few days after transfer. Now I stay awake until 11 and still have trouble falling asleep. This stinks!
I don’t feel positive anymore. I keep trying to remind myself that Maybe is a possibility. There is no need to feel Yes or No – but I am having such a hard time staying there! I have 4 more days. Yes, I do have to say that even with this little snit, I am still doing much better than last cycle. Overall I am much calmer. But crap – I just wish it would work so I could be pregnant already!!!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
No news
I have to post quickly because my mom is coming in today from Chicago and I will not be able to post after she is here. And boy am I nervous! My mom, like most moms I suppose, has a very special was of getting under my skin and pushing my buttons. Luckily I am feeling pretty ok with myself right now, strong, surprisingly balanced, optimistic and even a little loving. I think this is going to be key to not crashing for the next few days.
On the baby-front, well no real news to report - still have to wait until Dec 6 for the first Beta. But it is funny how my brother called 2 days ago and my sister called yesterday to see what news I had. This is after feeling pretty sad that nobody had called me on transfer day, even though I had told them when it would be. When I talked with them on Thanksgiving, I actually had to bring the "getting pregnant" topic up myself - I mean, is it not on their minds 24/7 like it is on mine? The nerve! Actually, it is pretty cool that they want to talk with me about it at all, and I feel really lucky to have their support. I think it might be rare that a younger brother is interested in his sister's struggles to have a baby. (And have I mentioned that he is Girl and Boy's donor? He flew out every month for almost a year at his own expense to make this happen - what an amazing gift he gave!!! So it is a little extra cool that he is interested in this IVF experience even though he doesn't have as much of a critical role.) And my sister actually loaned us a few thousand to pay for the IVF (which I am happy to say I paid back yesterday when insurance sent a partial reimbursement - woo hoo!)
Anyway, I had a great talk with my sister last night - I need to remember to talk with her if I end up with three sticky embryos. She pointed out how if I had triplets I would "catch up with her" really, really quickly. And while 5 kids is certainly doable, she has a full-time nanny, a house cleaner 4 days a week and a personal assistant to help. And I wouldn't have these things. Having 3 more kids would be truly amazing - good and bad, but probably more bad than good. Well, I can't even begin to describe the ways it would make life so much harder and more narrow - so many things that we currently enjoy that we wouldn't be able to do anymore. But honestly, I am not sure what I would do -- could I choose to reduce? I am grossed out by the idea that the third fetus would remain in my uterus while the other 2 grew. Sister pointed out the fetus would be about the size of a grain of rice, so that helped, but seriously, I think I would always wonder if it was the right decision. Well, I am not going to worry about it unless I need to. (This is my new approach to life and it seems to be working!)
Meanwhile, Wife is being supportive after a particularly hard session with Couples Counselor last night, followed by semi-awkward dinner at a new less-than-yummy Thai restaurant. But today's texts indicate she is committed to being supportive and nicer and less defensive. Good news!
So maybe not exactly no news, afterall.
On the baby-front, well no real news to report - still have to wait until Dec 6 for the first Beta. But it is funny how my brother called 2 days ago and my sister called yesterday to see what news I had. This is after feeling pretty sad that nobody had called me on transfer day, even though I had told them when it would be. When I talked with them on Thanksgiving, I actually had to bring the "getting pregnant" topic up myself - I mean, is it not on their minds 24/7 like it is on mine? The nerve! Actually, it is pretty cool that they want to talk with me about it at all, and I feel really lucky to have their support. I think it might be rare that a younger brother is interested in his sister's struggles to have a baby. (And have I mentioned that he is Girl and Boy's donor? He flew out every month for almost a year at his own expense to make this happen - what an amazing gift he gave!!! So it is a little extra cool that he is interested in this IVF experience even though he doesn't have as much of a critical role.) And my sister actually loaned us a few thousand to pay for the IVF (which I am happy to say I paid back yesterday when insurance sent a partial reimbursement - woo hoo!)
Anyway, I had a great talk with my sister last night - I need to remember to talk with her if I end up with three sticky embryos. She pointed out how if I had triplets I would "catch up with her" really, really quickly. And while 5 kids is certainly doable, she has a full-time nanny, a house cleaner 4 days a week and a personal assistant to help. And I wouldn't have these things. Having 3 more kids would be truly amazing - good and bad, but probably more bad than good. Well, I can't even begin to describe the ways it would make life so much harder and more narrow - so many things that we currently enjoy that we wouldn't be able to do anymore. But honestly, I am not sure what I would do -- could I choose to reduce? I am grossed out by the idea that the third fetus would remain in my uterus while the other 2 grew. Sister pointed out the fetus would be about the size of a grain of rice, so that helped, but seriously, I think I would always wonder if it was the right decision. Well, I am not going to worry about it unless I need to. (This is my new approach to life and it seems to be working!)
Meanwhile, Wife is being supportive after a particularly hard session with Couples Counselor last night, followed by semi-awkward dinner at a new less-than-yummy Thai restaurant. But today's texts indicate she is committed to being supportive and nicer and less defensive. Good news!
So maybe not exactly no news, afterall.
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