This morning I couldn't wait any longer and I did it: I POAS....and I got two lines! Of course the line I care about is pretty faint, but there is no doubt that it is there. I am so cautiously excited, a little in shock, a tad bit scared and a pinch of festive. Of course I told Wife immediately, even though it was 4:45 am. (She tried to go back to sleep, but couldn't. I had to take my mom to the airport and act as though nothing were different. But it was. I mean, it is.) I texted my sister, who sent a very excited text back. I called my brother, who was also super-excited. Of course I told both it wasn't official yet. And Wife doesn't think I should tell anyone else. I don't think that is going to happen though. I know it is the prudent thing, but everyone knows I have been trying and that Monday (as in tomorrow) I go in for bloodwork. So what is the harm in telling them today? If I say I got a positive HPT and tomorrow it turns out I am not pregnant, then my friends/close family should know why I am suddenly a raving crazy beatch. But could that really happen? Do HPTs show false positives or chemicals? Shouldn't I just feel good that I got a positive and go with that? It's not like I am telling my boss or anything...
But here's the gist of my dilemma: I am going to a party this afternoon with 3 families. Of the three, I started "trying" first. Then Granola-mom started trying for her second and after that Soccer-Chick-friend started trying. Well, Soccer-chick-friend is now 8 weeks pregnant. If the HPT is to be trusted, I suppose I am about 4 weeks pregnant (oh my God!). And I am just not sure how Granola-mom is because technically she isn't even my friend; I only know her through Soccer-chick-friend. But if this has been really hard on her, or if she received bad news recently, etc. I would feel really bad blindsiding her with my happiness. Wife says this is ridiculous and I need to worry less about other people. I do agree with her to a point. I realized how "off" I am when I wondered about posting about the positive HPT on this blog - on my blog. Really, I worried about all the women who's blogs I follow that haven't been doing well or getting good news, and I felt guilty for my good news. I know this is messed up. I don't know these women. I don't even know if any of these women read my blog, which was intended to be an online journal for me anyway. And yet I worried that I would be perceived as insensitive. Greedy. Self-centered. I know, I am so messed up! But the good news, perhaps even better than the possible (probable?) pregnancy is that I am really starting to come into my own. I am recognizing things much better, and I am not staying trapped in the old pattern.
So here I am, celebrating some really awesome news and whoop-whooping on the inside even if my exterior looks dazed.
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