POAS is Evil, Evil, Evil

Yesterday's stick: positive
Today's stick: uncertain

When I peed, nothing showed up (whereas yesterday a very faint line showed up almost immediately). It was a "rapid response" version that is supposed to show results in 1 minute. Today, one minute after peeing, nothing showed up. But just as I was leaving for the clinic to have official blood work done, I showed the stick to Wife. And there was this faint little line. Wife couldn't see it, but I have seen enough of these online to know that there was the faintest of little lines there. So does this mean an ending to a chemical pregnancy? a crappy stick? pee-er error? Well, the clinic should call in a few hours. Any bets on whether I will get any actual work done in the meantime?

_____________________________

Fortunately I didn't have to wait long...

I Saw Two Lines - the rest is a blur

This morning I couldn't wait any longer and I did it: I POAS....and I got two lines! Of course the line I care about is pretty faint, but there is no doubt that it is there. I am so cautiously excited, a little in shock, a tad bit scared and a pinch of festive. Of course I told Wife immediately, even though it was 4:45 am. (She tried to go back to sleep, but couldn't. I had to take my mom to the airport and act as though nothing were different. But it was. I mean, it is.) I texted my sister, who sent a very excited text back. I called my brother, who was also super-excited. Of course I told both it wasn't official yet. And Wife doesn't think I should tell anyone else. I don't think that is going to happen though. I know it is the prudent thing, but everyone knows I have been trying and that Monday (as in tomorrow) I go in for bloodwork. So what is the harm in telling them today? If I say I got a positive HPT and tomorrow it turns out I am not pregnant, then my friends/close family should know why I am suddenly a raving crazy beatch.  But could that really happen? Do HPTs show false positives or chemicals? Shouldn't I just feel good that I got a positive and go with that? It's not like I am telling my boss or anything...

But here's the gist of my dilemma: I am going to a party this afternoon with 3 families. Of the three, I started "trying" first. Then Granola-mom started trying for her second and after that Soccer-Chick-friend started trying. Well, Soccer-chick-friend is now 8 weeks pregnant. If the HPT is to be trusted, I suppose I am about 4 weeks pregnant (oh my God!). And I am just not sure how Granola-mom is because technically she isn't even my friend; I only know her through Soccer-chick-friend. But if this has been really hard on her, or if she received bad news recently, etc. I would feel really bad blindsiding her with my happiness. Wife says this is ridiculous and I need to worry less about other people. I do agree with her to a point. I realized how "off" I am when I wondered about posting about the positive HPT on this blog - on my blog. Really, I worried about all the women who's blogs I follow that haven't been doing well or getting good news, and I felt guilty for my good news. I know this is messed up. I don't know these women. I don't even know if any of these women read my blog, which was intended to be an online journal for me anyway. And yet I worried that I would be perceived as insensitive. Greedy. Self-centered. I know, I am so messed up! But the good news, perhaps even better than the possible (probable?) pregnancy is that I am really starting to come into my own. I am recognizing things much better, and I am not staying trapped in the old pattern.

So here I am, celebrating some really awesome news and whoop-whooping on the inside even if my exterior looks dazed.

Oh No - The Urge to POAS is Too Great

I think I may be pulled to the dark side today. I don't know if I can wait the three more days until Beta. Sad part is, I have no clue what day I am. I know they froze Day 2 embryos, then thawed the day before FET - so does that mean I had a Day 3 transfer? If so, I suppose today is 9dp3dt. Is that enough for the test to be somewhat accurate? I think it is right on the cusp. 9dp2dt sounds too early - but I think I will look around and see when others POAS. I only wish I could save my money and wait until Monday - but I am pretty sure that is not going to happen.

Giving Thanks to the Blog

For whatever reason, last night was tough. By the time I crawled into bed with Wife I was mopey. And yet again, I became sadder from failed communication with Wife. Here is our conversation:

Her: How are you?

Me: Fiiiiine (in totally passive I-am-not-really-fine, 5-syllable way)

Pause. Silence. And I realize she is not going to ask me to expand, and because I am trying to get out of expecting her to do things that aren’t in her nature, and if I want to connect with her more, I am going to have to reach out, I decide to risk it.

Me: I am worried – I don’t feel pregnant.

Her: Don’t. Don’t.

Pause. Silence while I think about whether I want to react to her “support” or just keep talking and tell her why I don’t feel pregnant. And while I am still contemplating my options….

Her: You should just think positively. The mind is really powerful. You need to stay positive. Good night.

So there I was in bed feeling totally alone and really, really sad. But then I remembered my blog. And how I could write about how I was feeling, and why I was feeling that way, and a whole multitude of other things. And I was so grateful for this blog. So here goes:

I am feeling scared. I am really worried that I am not pregnant again. My “symptoms,” which I presume are really side-effects of the progesterone, are spotty at best. Sometimes I am really nauseated, but not so much recently. I am getting pangs and cramps in my lower abdomen, but I got those last time too. My boobs don’t hurt. (Yes, one of my symptoms is a lack of symptom – so sue me!) And perhaps most importantly, I am not insanely tired. I was exhausted the first few days after transfer. Now I stay awake until 11 and still have trouble falling asleep. This stinks! 

I don’t feel positive anymore. I keep trying to remind myself that Maybe is a possibility. There is no need to feel Yes or No – but I am having such a hard time staying there! I have 4 more days. Yes, I do have to say that even with this little snit, I am still doing much better than last cycle. Overall I am much calmer. But crap – I just wish it would work so I could be pregnant already!!!

No news

I have to post quickly because my mom is coming in today from Chicago and I will not be able to post after she is here. And boy am I nervous! My mom, like most moms I suppose, has a very special was of getting under my skin and pushing my buttons. Luckily I am feeling pretty ok with myself right now, strong, surprisingly balanced, optimistic and even a little loving. I think this is going to be key to not crashing for the next few days.

On the baby-front, well no real news to report - still have to wait until Dec 6 for the first Beta. But it is funny how my brother called 2 days ago and my sister called yesterday to see what news I had. This is after feeling pretty sad that nobody had called me on transfer day, even though I had told them when it would be. When I talked with them on Thanksgiving, I actually had to bring the "getting pregnant" topic up myself - I mean, is it not on their minds 24/7 like it is on mine? The nerve! Actually, it is pretty cool that they want to talk with me about it at all, and I feel really lucky to have their support. I think it might be rare that a younger brother is interested in his sister's struggles to have a baby. (And have I mentioned that he is Girl and Boy's donor? He flew out every month for almost a year at his own expense to make this happen - what an amazing gift he gave!!! So it is a little extra cool that he is interested in this IVF experience even though he doesn't have as much of a critical role.) And my sister actually loaned us a few thousand to pay for the IVF (which I am happy to say I paid back yesterday when insurance sent a partial reimbursement - woo hoo!)

Anyway, I had a great talk with my sister last night - I need to remember to talk with her if I end up with three sticky embryos. She pointed out how if I had triplets I would "catch up with her" really, really quickly. And while 5 kids is certainly doable, she has a full-time nanny, a house cleaner 4 days a week and a personal assistant to help. And I wouldn't have these things. Having 3 more kids would be truly amazing - good and bad, but probably more bad than good. Well, I can't even begin to describe the ways it would make life so much harder and more narrow - so many things that we currently enjoy that we wouldn't be able to do anymore. But honestly, I am not sure what I would do -- could I choose to reduce? I am grossed out by the idea that the third fetus would remain in my uterus while the other 2 grew. Sister pointed out the fetus would be about the size of a grain of rice, so that helped, but seriously, I think I would always wonder if it was the right decision. Well, I am not going to worry about it unless I need to. (This is my new approach to life and it seems to be working!)

Meanwhile, Wife is being supportive after a particularly hard session with Couples Counselor last night, followed by semi-awkward dinner at a new less-than-yummy Thai restaurant. But today's texts indicate she is committed to being supportive and nicer and less defensive. Good news!

So maybe not exactly no news, afterall.

Progesterone Capsule Advice

I forgot to ask earlier, does anyone have a good way to clean the applicator used for the progesterone "capsules" (aka suppositories)? I can barely reach all the gunk that gets on the inside of the tube, but it is a royal pain and it is really grossing me out.

Maybe

I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I will. I don't think I am pregnant. Somehow I need to make it through this last week of waiting without breaking down. And I was so sure. Now, I am holding on to a slim Maybe.

I spent the first few days after retrieval with a full house for Thanksgiving. I thought this would be great since Grandma and Aunt and Cousins could play with Kids while I rested or at least relaxed. Wrong! Silly Me! It was hectic. And I felt so nauseous. I had to eat every few hours and there was just so much to do, so I ended up just being cranky and generally feeling like crap. I hate that I get so excited to host people (family and friends) at our house but as soon as they get there, I start wondering when they will leave. This happened at the Halloween Party too. Am I just an awful person? I don't remember feeling this way before. Maybe it is just another side-effect of the hormones?

But anyway, last weekend I knew that my "symptoms" were too early. The embies hadn't even had time to implant and I was ill. So I figure it must have been lingering Progesterone running afoul in my system. It lasted for 3 days hard core, then a little more mellow the last few days. Now I feel almost nothing. No boobie tenderness. Some slightly cramping, but higher than where  imagine my ute must be. But really, I thought I would have this spiritual awareness or feeling of being pregnant, and I feel none. I feel very alone and empty.

I am trying to tell myself it isn't over yet. There are plenty of people who didn't feel pregnant, but in fact were. There is no universal way to feel during the first few days or weeks. It could still happen. I just can't say it loud enough to drown out the negative thoughts echoing in my head. IT COULD HAPPEN! IT COULD HAPPEN! "Maybe" is the best I can come up with.

This is not helped by the almighty Magic 8 Ball. When asked "Am I pregnant?" it replied "Maybe." I am petrified to ask it again. I just don't want to deal with the emotional turmoil a negative answer would start. It is like POAS too early. You can say the answer means nothing, but somehow it does. And I would never POAS right now. I know it would be silly - so why do I give this mindless computer programming the power to make me feel like crap? I am ridiculous and grasping at straws, looking for any possible positive encouragement.

And the blog world seems to have shifted as well - of bifurcated -- and I am just terrified to imagine which side I am going to be on next week. On one hand, there are some incredibly strong women dealing so openly and honestly with devastation. I cry for them, and know that I would not handle well what they are experiencing -- loss, missed opportunities/canceled cycles, BFNs, possible IVF hard-stops. It is almost overwhelming to read their struggles. Except that I can relate, on some level. The other side, the BFP side, is very foreign to me, and terrifies me even more. If it can happen for them, it could happen for me. So I must keep that option open. But if it happens for 2, 3 or 4 of them, does it make it less likely for me? I know this is ridiculous, but part of me worries that the sticky baby dust for the month has been used up. (I am not proud of this part of my thoughts...) So who am I going to join next week?

Does it matter that I will have my first Beta in December? That means a new month's reserve of sticky baby dust, right?
Maybe.

PUPO

Three beautiful embies in. May they plant and rest and make my uterus their home. Well, at least one of them. Two would also be nice. Please not three. Thanks.

Just a Thin Thread of Hope Left

Wednesday night: Peed on a Stock (POAS) - negative
Thursday night: POAS - negative
Friday morning: POAS - negative
So why do I still feel as though I am pregnant?

Well, it will be over in less than 3 hours. I had the blood drawn at 8. The nurse made it seem unlikely to be positive. And yet I maintain that thin little thread of hope. Wife holds tightly to the idea. She won't even entertain the idea that I might not be pregnant. Says I have been acting different (spacey, etc) and is oblivious to the idea that I be spacey because I am distracted about the idea of being (or not being) pregnant, but whatever - she always has her own ideas. It is actually one of the reasons I am (was?) attracted to her. In any event, a part of me is already mourning.

I was really looking forward to the beautiful symmetry of a pregnancy now. Boy and Girl were conceived via IVF the same week 4 years ago. And this would make a lovely June birthday. If I am not pregnant, I need to take a month off to allow my body to rest from the hormones. So now we are looking at an August birthday. Up through October is ok. But I think kids born in November or December, even early January, get shafted. October is tough for school - either the oldest or the youngest.

I suppose no matter what the news, either way, the call is going to bring me some relief so that at least I know and I don't have to wonder any more. It's too bad I am not busier at work to take my mind off of things. Instead I get to pull at, unravel, grasp onto that last thin thread.

Not Testing, Yet

So I had the realization last night as I drove home that there is very little good that can come out of my doing a HPT. Sure, I can easily imagine the almost candy-like experience of peeing on the stick and watching it turn to "Pregnant." And then I would have a positive stick as my souvenir. That is the upside. The downside? I could get a negative, and then I have two days of living in Funk until my bloodwork on Friday. So with this in mind, I formulated a plan. I will test on Friday, right before my bloodwork. That way I get to possibly have the experience, but I also don't have to wait too long to hear actual results.

That *was* my plan anyway. I called my sister and left this plan on her answering machine since she was (somehow?) busy with her own life or her own 5 kids. I was bummed. Then I told my plan to Wife. Her first reaction, other than to smile, was to ask "Did you come up with this yourself?" Then she said she was really proud of me when I said I had. Hmm... And so my plan was in place.

Until this morning. Quick talk with my sister while she was chaperoning a play date. Her take: a negative test just means it was too early. If I could keep that in mind and not go Freaky, there really is no harm in doing the test. She got 2 negatives on one of her kids. It was just too early. And then she had to go.

Meanwhile, gears are starting to shift in my head. Could I approach the results like this? Could I avoid Funk and go for Glory? I am dying to run to the bathroom at work and peed on that blasted stick already. It is like a scab I am only just by the skin of my teeth able to stop picking. Or a bruise that I am dying to push just to see if it still hurts, but somehow I am able to resist, only barely. But I think about All The Time.

The only thing that really keeps me back is wanting to use my first morning pee. Otherwise I would SOO be there already!

Fear of Optimism - what's that about?

So it has been a few days since posts, mostly because I have had big problems getting out of my head. I am so consumed with the idea of being pregnant, the fear of not being pregnant, the anxiety of both. In some ways I wish I were able to be the stoic type who kept it all in, but no, I have a big mouth. So I have told everyone and their brother (except for at work) that I am trying to get pregnant, which means that I kinda set myself up - kinda. Everyone wants an email on Wednesday (tomorrow!) when I pee on a stick. The official blood test by the doctor isn't until Friday. But the doctor said a HPT might be accurate on Wednesday. Of course I am an inpatient fool so I peed on a stick yesterday. It was negative. I was devastated. I don't know what to think now. Wife says I am still acting weird and she knows I am pregnant. Acupuncture-clairvoyant acted as though I were pregnant. Am I? I am SOOO bad at waiting. I am talking rally, really bad. I can't sleep. I can't work. I should have just taken this week off.

So then I got to thinking about how I finally feel physically ok - which of course scares me, maybe I am not pregnant because I no longer feel anything different - and I am already into my next complaint. I was feeling so awfully uncomfortable last week. Just crazy yucky. And it seems like ages ago. A lot has happened in the last two weeks. Two weeks ago I took my last stim shot - I was still growing eggs! So maybe I need to cut myself some slack and S L O W down. I can see myself going through the entire pregnancy jumping from one complaint to another and getting to the end and realizing I forgot to enjoy it. How sad!

So I am going to attempt a shift of perspective. I would like to capture the moment as I am experiencing it, to still be honest and not just fluff, but I would SOOO love it if I were able to recognize the good parts of the experience too. (Disclaimer: this idea scares the crap out of me. I don't know why I am having that reaction. My first reaction was I don't know how to do this. But I realized that I do have the capacity to do it. I am resourceful and I can figure out a way if I am committed to it. And then whoosh - fear. What is that about?)

So I am finally starting to emerge from my severe hormonal funk. At least I hope this is the start of something more even, and I REALLY hope this isn't a sign that I am not pregnant. I still feel a lot going on "down there" but not the same sort of cramping. There hasn't been any spotting or anything. I am so superstitious about this all. Is it bad to want to so much?

So I am feeling better emotionally, MUCH more patient with the Kids this morning. But I still cant' muster up any enthusiasm for work. Really. I have spent the day reading blogs and paying bills and just generally wasting time. I might say I can't wait until it's time to go home, but that is when my real work begins - I don't get a free second to sit down from when I walk in the door until Wife does bath. The Kids are so excited to see me (yes, it does feel wonderful) and they just want to play (and yes, I do feel bad that sometimes it seems like a chore) I am just so tired! I can't tell you what I am tired from, except maybe boredom, but it is really hard to get up the energy to play with them. I am sure this is all part of the depression I am experiencing. My abdomen hurts so I am not comfortable getting up and down, and I am too sensitive to play rough and tumble. But honestly, it is the whining that gets to me most. When did my children become such whiners? Is it the age or is it the temperament or it is that I didn't wipe it out at the beginning? I am leaning toward temperament. But how annoying is that?

So I do have a project. I am alarmed at how much juice my kids drink. Wife does not share my views that juice is evil. She does water it down (1 part juice to 3 parts water) but since Kids drink cups and cups of this mixture, they are drinking a lot of juice! I don't think she knows how much it all adds up. So that is my project for this afternoon. And hopefully someday soon I will have the nerve to approach Wife about it, and hopefully she will not rip me a new one and we an come to an appropriate, mature decision that reflects both our parenting desires. Ha!

Is it Me?

OK, so I am just an emotional wreck right now and I am so frustrated with Wife, who just seems to leave me hanging all the time. And I can't figure out if it is just me being overly emotional and sensitive or if she is underly emotional and insensitive. Tonight was not a good night for me and the kids. Normal routine includes bath at 7, books at 7:30, in bed by 8 and it is anyone's guess what time kids actually fall asleep while I sit in the room, alternately holding Girl's hand and sitting on the edge of Boy's bed. We do not have good sleepers and we have a whole slew of bad habits that prolong the process (long story that I might go into someday, but probably not - it is what it is). Anyway, Wife has been giving Kids the bath so I get a few minutes of rest between work/dinner and being in the bedroom for at least an hour. Tonight I thought I would be nice and offered to do bath since Wife had a soccer game at 8:50 (who plans a game that late???) for the second day in a row and she was exhausted. Well, bath was what it was, a little more animated than when Wife does it, but they got clean, in pjs, finished books, in bed, and then kids would not go to sleep. At all. They would not stop talking. They would not stop jumping out of bed. They would not even try to lay down. They had no intention of pretending to try to fall asleep, and although I am not proud of it, I lost it. I yelled. I got mad. I made things worse. Finally at 9pm I stepped out of the room to try to settle myself and see if they would possibly calm down and we could start again. Bad idea! Things got more hectic, and it was not pretty. I feel terrible for losing my temper (I had been getting so much better about it) and I am exhausted and honestly, I am still pretty mad at the kids. I am ashamed that I dislike them so much when they don't listen, but that is just the way it is. And right now I am not happy with Kids and I have no desire to see them or have fun with them tomorrow. I know, I need to get over it - they are just doing what is developmentally appropriate or what I am teaching them is acceptable. I should not hold it against them. I just don't know how to get over their little laughing faces when they are knowingly misbehaving. I take it personally. I don't know how not to. So they finally fell asleep at 10pm, and I feel like Crap (with a capital C).

So around 10:30 Wife comes home from game. I am in the living room checking email when she walks in. I ask how her game was (it sucked, they got pummeled), I mention that she looks tired (defeated actually) and she mentions that she is sore. She goes into bedroom. I know she will not ask me how my evening was because she doesn't ask questions like that. The Animals start acting a bit crazy so she comes through the living room to let the Dogs out, while asking me if I have been ignoring them because they are a bit hyper. On her way back, I mention that if by chance the kids wake up early (which they have been doing with a vengeance), they are all hers. I told her I had a tough night and they didn't fall asleep until 10. She says "fine" - literally, "fine" and walks away. Now don't you think this is an opportunity for Wife to be supportive? "I am sorry you had a tough time. Do you want to talk about it?" or even "I am so tired I can't deal with it right now, but that sucks - I hope it is better tomorrow." Something! Seriously, "fine"? But wait, it gets better. Because Wife passes back through a little while later to let Dogs in, and after thinking about it a little more, her response is now "You might want to rethink your bath routine." What a bitch! I had a hard night, and apparently now it is my fault and nope, still no sympathy or empathy. Am I reading too much into this? Is she saying that I fucked it up starting with bath and that I kinda deserve the hard night I had getting the kids to sleep? Because that is kinda shitty.

And here is the real rub. I am so getting close to talking with her about these things - about how I feel and standing up for myself even though I know it will bring an onslaught of her defensiveness and even greater levels of accusations and nastiness. But with these crazy hormones running through me, I don't trust my impressions. Maybe it wasn't that awful. Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I did fuck things up and she is actually being helpful?

How do I learn to trust Who I Am when I don't?

It's Official...

I am leaking white stuff from my cooch. Yuck! Oh, and I am depressed. Urgh! Not the "gee I am sad, things are kinda sour right now" type of depression. I get the "my whole life is pointless and I am such a waste, I have no energy to do anything and I don't deserve anything anyway" type. I had been doing so well. And I can't tell if this is because I am pregnant (which I SOOOO want to believe) or because my body is already laughing at me and knows I am not pregnant (which really seems like a stretch, but seems so feasible with my doomsday goggles on). I mean really, I feel pregnant. I am so exhausted. I am hungry. I can't keep a coherent thought in my head for longer than a minute. (And my typing is horrendous - I am not simply reversing letters; I put the second letter at the end of a 6-letter word - what is going on here?) But then again, it could just be a result of the white stuff oozing out between my thighs.

I'm Dying to Test

OK, so technically I have been pregnant for 48 hours, and I am dying to see that little positive test. I know that if I peed on a stick right now I would get it - due to the remaining trigger and the wonderful little progesterone suppositories I am stuffing up my snatch. (BTW, I am not pleased about those. So far I haven't had the leaking cream or powder, but I am wearing a little liner in my undies just in case, and I HATE the feel of paper and padding between my thighs. My cooch likes cotton.) But back to being pregnant. I do not feel it. I feel bloated and miserable. My ovaries must be the size of lemons and I can feel smoosh everything when I sit down. I get jabby pain in my left side (mostly) when I get up too quickly. And I can't fit in any of my pants. This part sucks! I am tired and cranky. Yesterday all I wanted to do was cry. TOO MANY HORMONES! Instead I went to the County Fair and I tried really hard to have fun. I pretended to have fun. Really I just wanted to be in bed or under a rock.

I don't understand why I am not getting more enjoyment from being around my kids. They are driving me batty -- too much whining, crying, complaining...talking. They talk nonstop about nothing and you have to concentrate really hard to figure out what they are saying, but then they talk at the same time and all they are really saying is how they are not happy about what we are doing. It is so annoying! Wife says I am too short-tempered with them right now, and that I am the only one who doesn't see them as well-behaved, wonderful children. I wish I did. When we go to a friend's house, all I see is how aggressive Boy is. He jumps on everyone and everybody, and he tries to negotiate out of restrictions/rules. He is sensitive and quick to melt down when he doesn't get his way or when he gets in trouble. And he is bossy! (In short, he is just like me, or particularly how I was at that age.) Meanwhile Girl is actually pretty easy right now. Still really hard to understand and always wants to be doing something different than everybody else, but not too bad. Maybe I struggle most with the kids now because Boy pushes all my buttons because of our similarities whereas Wife is so much more like Girl. Or maybe it is because I am a hot cranky mess.

I need to be drinking more water - urgh , please no more water or Gatorade. I should be thinking positive thoughts - but I just want to sleep. Somebody please help me concentrate at work so I can get something productive accomplished!