Tautny?

It has been an emotionally hard week for me. I can't even describe how drained I am...how much I wish I could cuddle up to someone safe and just be taken care of. But really, there is no point dwelling on what isn't. So I am starting to move on and sort things out on how I can feel better even with the stress and lot I find myself in.

But for the pregnancy journal, I do want to mention my symptoms and try to figure out what to feel about my crazy OB. I went to see her yesterday and presented with 3 days of mild cramps (lower abdomen - probably related to my obscene constipation), dizziness, headaches and generally achy-ness. I also mentioned how I am just going through a transition, where my stomach is mushy for the most part, but several times a day it just gets hard. Doesn't hurt, although I am getting mid-back tightness/discomfort (not pain exactly, but not la-di-dah either). And for those interested in TMI, I also have a certain womanly stink. OK, I am extremely malodorous "down there" (and I hope it is my over-active pregnant nose that notices - please don't let other people be able to smell me). All I can say is Thank Goodness that Wife forgot about the appointment so I could tell all this to the doctor without seeing her roll her eyes or sigh or say what a wimp I am! But I told doctor how I was worried that I wasn't taking good enough care of myself or Baby, that I didn't want to miss any signs of pre-term labor (of which I was even more worried) and I worried that maybe I was making a bigger deal of how I felt and wondered if perhaps I was worrying too much. You think?

So kind doctor did 2 things. First, she told me that I was taking great care of myself and Baby. She could tell. (And because I wanted to believe her, I didn't ask for evidence - I just took her word and I am sticking with it.) She then came over to feel my tummy and asked a few questions about the tightening - how long does it last, do certain things bring it on, etc. Then she said I have "tautny" and yes, it can make me feel quite nasty. She said that when my stomach gets hard, it is a sign that I need to rest. I should put my feet up if possible, and relax. But overall, tautny is not a cause for concern. She told me the difference between tautny and pre-term labor. She used the word several times, but here is the thing...Dr. Google has never heard of "tautny" or anything even close to that. Neither has anyone else, including uber-pregnant Sister. Or me, and I have read a lot of blogs (the new "experts").

But I swear that "tautny" is what she said. So here is the dilemma: the idea of tautny makes me feel better. I suspect she made it up to make me feel better. She could very well be ascribing a new word to Braxton Hicks (which is what Wife thinks), but I don't think I want to know. BH is used with "contractions" and that worries me. Tautny is so much gentler, digestible, acceptable. So I don't want to contact my doctor and get a clarification. But the curious (and hyper-vigilant) side of me really wants to know - what is going on here? Is this a glossing over of something perhaps partially a little more serious? Or is tautny just a simplified word for "you are a hypochondriac and worrywort so here's a diagnosis so you will lay off"? What a good laugh that would be at her dinner table...hahaha I told this women a made-up diagnosis and she ate.it.up!

Well, the truth is that I actually feel somewhat better - all day today I was preoccupied with whether tautny was real or not - and I didn't have one single fear that Baby was going to be born too early, that I wasn't taking care of him growing inside me. That has got to be worth something, even if it is the wool over my eyes.

Another Crossroads

The last few days I have been feeling rather blah. And I don't like blah. Previously I had just started feeling happy - and that was a lot of fun. I was feeling engaged and energized and productive...well, not so much anymore. But what worries me most about feeling blah is what could possibly come next - feeling crappy. I am working hard to stave off feeling crappy.

So I invested some serious time into looking at what has changed. Wish I had a clear answer. For some reason, I just seem really sensitive right now. And alone. I don't feel like I have anyone in my corner. Which is ridiculous, since nobody has said anything to me or done anything...I know this is coming from me. But can I change it?

I spent the weekend with my family visiting a friend and her family. She has a son just a little older than the Kids and twins that are slightly older than 1 year. She set me up with an awesome maternity wardrobe. (It was like Christmas!) But the visit was otherwise "less than" and that makes me sad. I just felt like she didn't see me the whole time - one example: when I was trying on clothes she was telling me to take a particular shirt because it was going to be great at the end of my pregnancy. And I said it felt comfortable, but I really didn't see myself wearing it (colors, stripes, cut, etc.). No, no she insisted I take it because I will absolutely love it. And I am wondering doesn't my opinion matter? And I felt caught - I was getting a TON of FREE clothes - I should just take the shirt and be grateful (which is what I did) - but in the process I felt completely ignored and unvalidated. Should this matter? Probably not. But for some reason I am having a hard time getting over it.

Truth is I expect this type of behavior from Wife. She is notorious for discounting my feelings. My mom? Also very good at ignoring my feelings. Which is why I look for support from friends. So after overlooking Wife's reactions, and finally standing up for myself in regards to my mom, I am just deflated that I have to search out different friends to listen to me. Man - I just want somebody to look at me and say they care how I am doing. I hate feeling like such a burden for needing this, but I do. I am so tired and scared and stressed about work and providing for my family financially and physically and emotionally, and knowing that I am doing a pretty crappy job on all those fronts right now. Urgh - I hate feeling blah!

So I pay people to support me. I had Acu-therapy yesterday. Sadly the treatment was short-lived because I showed up at work directly after wards and was thrown into a HUGE firedrill that derailed any feelings of ease. The day sucked. And now I can't even remember the wise words Acupuncturist helped me realize. And they were brilliant! All I remember is that I am at another crossroads and she seems to think I have it in me to prevail. That I am getting close to a Deep Truth if I follow the right path.

Damn I feel unstable. Can I blame this on pregnancy hormones?

23 Weeks

Symptoms: Crazy leg cramps (about 3/night) that have left my calf sore throughout the day, constipation, heartburn

Maternity Clothes: Still loving the elastic waists - but very sensitive to tags and everything seems to make me itch. Preferring the under-belly pants because the over-belly band itches. But the under-belly is sometimes kinda tight, so it might be time to move up a size?
Sleep: Actually going pretty well, except for the leg cramps. 5 pillows in a circle around me.
Best Moment of the Week: Wife finally getting to feel Baby kick

Movement: Yup - lots. Especially when I lay down.
Cravings: French fries for lunch every day (I think it is the salt I really crave). Not really into eating for the most part. Bananas, which is weird because I do not normally "do" bananas. Ice cream.
Weight gain: 8 pounds (but should I also count the 10 pounds I put on during IVF?) - worried that perhaps I am not gaining enough

Belly Button: In, but getting shallower
What I miss: Orgasms. Every once in a while I think a margarita sounds yummy. Brie!
What I am looking forward to:When the Kids can feel kicks, getting a really nice round bump no matter what I am wearing (I am close!)


Thanks Mrs. Lemon for the idea on the format (altered slightly)

Just a sec of a quick note

Last night Wife got to feel Baby's kicks - she has been really excited for this! We had to work it a bit...I had noticed that he got really active when I lay down to go to sleep, so she kept her hand on my belly as I settled in. Sure enough, the little bugger started stretching and waking up for his kicking session. Fortunately I can sleep through it pretty well once I have fallen asleep. Sometimes it is hard to get to sleep initially, mostly because I just lay there feeling him and wondering what it must be like for him in there. And just thinking about how amazing it all is. I am so grateful to be able to experience this. (And I hope everyone who is trying can all get here! I almost erased the last sentence because I wanted to be considerate to those still trying. But I need to have it recorded and honestly, I can't even tell who is reading this blog anyway since hardly anybody ever leaves a comment. So I am going to continue as though only I were reading...)

That said, I don't really have anything to say today, only that I wanted to record when Wife first felt Baby's kicks, which I have already done. Wow - what a post!

Managing My Mom

I can't tell if this post is a congratulations to myself for doing something really hard, a confessional of a bad daughter or an admission of failure. So I am going to "flow" it out and see where I land...

So several months ago, as in January, my mom talked about renting a house where we live for the month of August so she could be here when Baby is born. This idea was not pleasing to me. Ok, I'll be honest - there was a part of me that was happy, touched that she would consider doing this. That I was possibly important to her. But the other part of me, a much larger part, was petrified by the idea. It is no coincidence that I live 2,000 miles away from her.

So in typical Me fashion, I laughed off the offer and ignored it. Then last month she mentioned it again, but this time she was making reservations for summer concert tickets and she was confirming dates for the trip - she had woken me from a nap and caught me completely off guard. I tried briefly to see why she wanted to come for so long and she told me it was really important to her to be at the hospital when I was in labor, so she could be among the first to see little one. I made it very clear she was not invited in the L&D room. She said she was ok with this. She wanted to help take care of Kids while Wife and I were in the hospital. She just wanted to be there, and since we don't know when Baby will show up, she thought a window of 3-4 weeks should be good. Well, I wanted to go back to sleep and I really wasn't sure what I could say, so I ok'd her dates (Aug 1-Aug 24) and agreed to look into finding her a place to stay. Then I broke the news to Wife, who was equally unhappy but figured "we will get through this like all other visits."

Then I had several weeks to understand the implications of my mom being here for 3 weeks. This is not a nice lady. And as I am getting ready to welcome Baby into this world, I am going to have to battle, yes battle, my mom and her attacks on my esteem. I find it very difficult to stay centered, positive, even prioritized around her. She breaks me down and not only knows all my easy buttons, she pushes them regularly. Then I talked with my sister, who lives less than an hour from our mom, who has labored 6 times, and who said that our mom is not great about staying in the waiting room, even when explicitly told she is not welcome in the L&D room. She will come in during non-active labor and again during after birth "stuff" (aka stitching). And this is NOT how I want my birth experience to be. So I started to dread my mom's visit, but I felt pretty stuck about it.

Well, I received lots of advice from qualified people (aka therapists - mine and ours/Wife's/mine) that I should really deal with this - talk with my mom and offer an alternative. So last Saturday I had a chance. She called when I was in the car with Wife and Kids and she was making plane reservations. She had already looked into places to stay and had a few leads. Again - cue "stuckness" for me. I tried to gingerly see what she had found out, but instead I chickened out, told my mom I couldn't talk right now (and it was a little hectic in the car) and that I would call her back. Which I did about 5 minutes later, after a little pep talk from Wife, knowing Wife was ther listening. So I said, "Mom, I know you talked about coming in August and being here when Baby is born, but it would be so much more helpful to us if you were able to come in September, after the Baby has gone through the "honeymoon" phase and when we are starting to figure out what life with 3 kids is like. You did this with the older Kids and it was really helpful. Do you think that is a possibility?" Breathe, breathe. And she responded pretty well. She "threatened" that coming in September would be a shorter trip, and that maybe she would stay with us instead of renting a place, but overall she seemed ok with the idea. I was feeling like it was a huge success - I asked for what I wanted and she accepted it. It was short-lived.

A few hours later I got an email from her: "Got a nice response from an apartment for resnting the whole month of August." That was the entire message. My response...WTF? Didn't we just talk about coming in Sept? Pulease, do I really have to go through this again? I thought about accepting it and having her come in August, I thought about acknowledging her email and trying to talk her out of it, I thought about ignoring it altogether...but instead I responded in kind: "I thought we were talking about Sept now." and nothing else. Her response: "We need to talk." I so suck at this confrontation thing! But I didn't procrastinate this time. I called her almost immediately. I stated my case (that it would be so much more helpful for us to have her here in Sept). I told her I understood that she really wanted to be here when Baby was born, but the more likely scenario is that she is here for several weeks without Baby, then only a few days with him, whereas in Sept he will definitely be here. I asked what her concerns were - she shared how upset she was 4 years ago when she came after Kids were born. How we treated her like a guest or visitor and she wants to be part of the family and she wants to take the Kids places alone and have us lean on her more and NEED her. How this has been upsetting her for 4 years so this was our chance to make it up to her. She thinks if she were here longer, with a place of her own nearby, she will suddenly become part of our everyday lives and we will mesh and be joyful. The Kids will be so excited to go over to Nana's place and love will abound. Blah-de-blah-blah.

I listened. But I didn't cave in. I still asked her to come in Sept. We awkwardly ended the conversation. I did text her a little later suggesting that she consider staying a little longer in Sept so she would have more time to bond with Kids and Baby. I didn't hear anything from her.

It seems like she will come in Sept, but not happily. I "win" but I feel like I have lost. And secretly, in the back of my head, I am so terrified about possibly needing her in August. What if Baby is in NICU for weeks and we need someone who can look after Kids while we try to juggle all that? Hmm...I think I have to play that one out. If Baby were in NICU, I do not think having my mom here would make me feel better. Ok, either way, Sept is better than August.

But I didn't want it to end on such a sour note. So this morning I called my mom. I said that I was concerned about how we left things, that I thought her feelings were hurt and I didn't want her to feel bad about coming out and being so nice and helpful. (Or something like that.) She said she really appreciated the call. She had been having a lot of talks with her husband about it - he suggested she do what we were asking, she said she felt (and I quote) "bossed around." [Oh yeah, that's right - I asked for something that I wanted, and it was bossing my mom around - thank goodness for years of therapy that I can finally see how messed up that is!] Anyway, call ended on a much better note between us. I think she is feeling better about coming in Sept.

So one final note because I can't seem to just let this go...I don't know if I did the right thing today. On the one hand, I am really proud of myself for sticking with my plan. I supported what I wanted and now I have absolutely no guilt feelings about it. Whew! On the other hand, I think I played into her neediness and drama by reaching out to her. Did I give her too much consideration and thereby validate her reaction? And by doing so, did I compromise my position and right to ask for something I actually want?

What a long-winded way to say that I am feeling very confused right now...happy in the outcome (I think), scared that the outcome could still change any minute, happy that I finally asked for something for me, sad that it had to be so hard, embarrassed that I care what my mom thinks of me (knowing what a skewed perspective she has) and even mad at myself for spending so much time on this!

Date Night

I am desperately trying to finish up my work so I can go home for Date Night. But I promised myself I would dedicate just a little bit of time to myself, and blogging helps keep me borderline sane, so here I am...

I suppose top of mind is that I am really thankful for Wife these days. She has actually been a royal pain, but even when she is cranky and somewhat mean, I know I can count on her to take care of the Kids, the house, the animals, etc. I am extremely fortunate that when work gets hectic and/or pregnancy takes over my brain, I don't have to worry about a lot of things. Sure, I still have a ton on my personal to-do list, including battling with insurance about 2010 charges and reimbursements, starting/finishing taxes (urgh!) and random other "nits," but I can't imagine having to do all that on top of cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. So I am going to try to be very thankful and nice on this Date Night and leave my overwhelmed self at work.

That said, and it wouldn't be an honest post if I left it off, I can't wait until Wife can feel the baby kick because maybe then she will get off my back about needing to sit down and wanting to sleep with 4 pillows and the other pregnancy-related changes I have made. Kinda sick of the not-so-gentle teasing. And eye rolling. The "tone" can go too.

But I love her, so I will try to focus on behaving. And having fun.

And that PMS-like episode is over

I think I was having a PMS-like experience yesterday. What a pity party I was throwing! Glad to report that I feel much more balanced today. I am feeling on the right path.

And I am happy to say that I was on the right path even before I had acu-therapy this morning (but it did confirm and reinforce my positivity). An interesting thing came up as I told Acupuncturist about trying to dump the fear - I realized that I didn't have a good image of what I was trying to move toward. Running away is no good if you don't know where you are going to. So I sat there with needles in my back trying to see a vision of me happier, full of enjoyment and awe. And I see it!


So even though I am slammed at work, I can remain centered. Even though I still bump heads with Wife, I can focus on warmth and caring.

I am in love with the image of a daffodil in a sunny field. It's a little windy but the flower just bends and sways, still lifting her petals to the warmth of the sun. Bright yellow and bright green. Tall. Open. Beautiful.

Trying to Ditch the Rest

This fear-based attitude has got to stop. I figure I have one chance to be pregnant, and I am not sure I am having the experience I want. And I realize that it is my reaction to circumstances that form my experience - but how to change my reactions?

OK, so I thought I would get pregnant really easily. My sister and my mom - both pregnant very easily (as in first unprotected sex, 3 times for my mom and 5 of 6 times for my sister - one time she only got pregnant on the 3rd month - oh poor thing!) But me? Not so much. And it really pissed me off. I did not handle it patiently and peacefully - I was cranky and bitter and I felt broken and maybe even a little cursed...until I discovered we had an issue with the swimmer, as in low numbers and low motility. So we moved on to IVF. But it didn't work the first time! This is a new area for me - for me not to succeed on the first try. Blah I felt fugly.

Luckily, somehow, I kept it together to get another try and I lucked out big-time that the second IVF (or rather the FET) worked. But then...of the three embryos transferred, only one implanted. What is wrong with me that I don't have twins or triplets. (Note that triplets are desired, but if I were really the shit I  sometimes like to think I am, shouldn't that have been a possibility?) So instead, I have an absolutely fantastic, lovely baby growing inside of me and I am feeling less-than because I am not having multiples.

And the pregnancy - I thought I would grow a beautiful bump and glow and feel fantastic. Nope - just nausea and blobby and acne. But not so sick that it makes sense for me to be upset - no massive vomit or weight loss or anything visible - just an internal feeling like crap. And just when I was starting to feel that I might really get into enjoying the pregnancy, I bleed. So finally I have this "excuse," a reason to take it easy and prioritize my pregnancy - and instead I feel like a freak for flipping out all the time (internally) and being a big nasty crank-pot (externally). I get worried when my stomach suddenly gets hard, when it probably is only gas. I flip out when I get cramps on my side, when it is probably only round ligament pain.

I have GOT to start taking it easier on myself! I so wish I could focus on the positive, dwell on the miracle, bathe in the newness and ditch all the rest. Can I force myself not to look for blood in the toilet every time I pee? Can I forbid myself to complain? Can I drop the worry and move on?

Pregnancy Brain

I am so amazed by how my life is impacted all around just by the simple fact that I am pregnant. I think about it all the time. I have an ongoing filter...Can I do this while I am pregnant? I feel "x" - must be the Baby. And this is leading to a  pretty bad case of pregnancy brain.

I am so darn spacey! I haven't done anything too terrible, but I am so sick of the little things that I have been forgetting or doing not-as-well-as-I-would-like. I understand that my letting go of control and uber-competence might be part of the lesson I need to learn though this pregnancy, but it is so hard!

I had a little breakdown/breakthrough at acupuncture earlier this week when I realized part of my Pregnancy Brain is bothering me so much is that I am just not sure who I am or how I am as a person without being intelligent, on-top-of-it, knowing and able. It is a big part of my personal value proposition. Am I worthy or lovable with out always being right?

Wife is actually happy with my spaciness - she says it evens the playing field and she actually gets a chance to be right. But oh how I hate it - not that she is right, but that I am wrong. I so despise not being able to trust my memory or understanding of a situation.

My sister (she of 6 babies) says that the first pregnancy is the worst, but after the third or fourth you start to realize that the pregnancy can just happen on its own. It doesn't have to be the first thing you think of in the morning or last thing as you fall asleep at night or a consideration as you fasten your seatbelt and drive down the highway or...but I wonder how true that would be if she had to do IVF and then had a really scary bleed out at 16 weeks.Seriously, I can't ever go pee without holding my breath as I look at the paper to check for bleeding.

Well, I am now at 20 weeks and I have three goals for the rest of the second trimester, or at least until the end of April (bite-sized pieces afterall):
(1) Find just a little time to blog every workday - even if it is a few sentences
(2) Spend a little bit of each day not thinking about being pregnant - The distracted pregnancy brain is making it really hard to be effective at work and it is really bugging me at home. So I need to be more aware of what I am doing in each moment and less daydreaming about baby-related matters.
(3) Spend a little bit of each day focusing on the fun and amazing parts of pregnancy - I just want to enjoy this time and not stress about the scariness of it all. I don't want to get to the birth and be sad that I missed it, that it passed me by while I was too busy worrying.