Trying to Ditch the Rest

This fear-based attitude has got to stop. I figure I have one chance to be pregnant, and I am not sure I am having the experience I want. And I realize that it is my reaction to circumstances that form my experience - but how to change my reactions?

OK, so I thought I would get pregnant really easily. My sister and my mom - both pregnant very easily (as in first unprotected sex, 3 times for my mom and 5 of 6 times for my sister - one time she only got pregnant on the 3rd month - oh poor thing!) But me? Not so much. And it really pissed me off. I did not handle it patiently and peacefully - I was cranky and bitter and I felt broken and maybe even a little cursed...until I discovered we had an issue with the swimmer, as in low numbers and low motility. So we moved on to IVF. But it didn't work the first time! This is a new area for me - for me not to succeed on the first try. Blah I felt fugly.

Luckily, somehow, I kept it together to get another try and I lucked out big-time that the second IVF (or rather the FET) worked. But then...of the three embryos transferred, only one implanted. What is wrong with me that I don't have twins or triplets. (Note that triplets are desired, but if I were really the shit I  sometimes like to think I am, shouldn't that have been a possibility?) So instead, I have an absolutely fantastic, lovely baby growing inside of me and I am feeling less-than because I am not having multiples.

And the pregnancy - I thought I would grow a beautiful bump and glow and feel fantastic. Nope - just nausea and blobby and acne. But not so sick that it makes sense for me to be upset - no massive vomit or weight loss or anything visible - just an internal feeling like crap. And just when I was starting to feel that I might really get into enjoying the pregnancy, I bleed. So finally I have this "excuse," a reason to take it easy and prioritize my pregnancy - and instead I feel like a freak for flipping out all the time (internally) and being a big nasty crank-pot (externally). I get worried when my stomach suddenly gets hard, when it probably is only gas. I flip out when I get cramps on my side, when it is probably only round ligament pain.

I have GOT to start taking it easier on myself! I so wish I could focus on the positive, dwell on the miracle, bathe in the newness and ditch all the rest. Can I force myself not to look for blood in the toilet every time I pee? Can I forbid myself to complain? Can I drop the worry and move on?