They really shouldn't call it the Baby Blues - especially for someone who has a history of depression -- it is so much more than that. And now that I am actually feeling stronger, more even, I can see how much bigger the "Blues" were than blues. And I was terrified that I had PPD. Because it felt so much larger than Blues. I wasn't sad; I was inconsolable. I was devastated. I was raw, gutted, empty. And then I find out this is normal??? Excuse me, but this is not Blues - this is Dark, Dark Grey, maybe even Black.
But luckily I am actually feeling a little bit beyond the blues, perhaps touching green. This is not to say that I am not still at the whims of my hormones, or that I am all chipper and happy. But I am not crying all the time. I am starting to feel connected to Baby - and to see how cute he is, and how we have this amazing bond. I still don't feel like I thought I would considering he came out of my body. I am still waiting for that "I love him so much I don't know what to do with myself" feeling, but I seriously doubt that I will ever have that. I don't operate that way.
I feel like it took me forever to start to feel better. But it couldn't have been that long -- Baby is only 3 weeks old. We have only been home for a bit over 2 weeks. I am grateful for my Sister, who pointed out that difficulty breastfeeding is SOOOOO normal (which is why there are so many lactation consultants) and that my hormones are making the game unfair -- they have all the power and I am at their mercy. And my friend from Portland has reached out in such a nice way. My Couple Friend from in town has also been great - nice when they come over, bringing dinner, texting to see how I am feeling. And of course Acupuncturist has been super-supportive and helpful. Therapist is here for me too. Sometimes, in fact, I have felt a little over-supported. Like I have all these people to go to...why don't I feel better? But one week later, I see how everyone has been helping me reach the place I am now...if not happiness, stability.
The only person missing is Wife. I know she cares. I know she loves me. But her manner of dealing with my having a hard time is to lock down control. To clam up and shut off her emotions. To tell everyone what they should do and to shut me out. I am so tired of her one-word responses and inappropriate defensiveness and unfounded accusations. I am not making any rash decisions, but I fantasize about being a single mom. And I plan ways to avoid her. I wish I could just keep my mouth shut when I am around her, because absolutely everything I say is wrong. And it is so tiring to be picked on all the time. But since I can't seem to keep my trap shut, I am better off not being around her. So much for this happy marriage.
But again, overall feeling so much better!
The only person miss
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Rant about Wife
So I have been having serious doubts about the value of pumping all day in order to give Baby breast milk. My supply is not tiny, but it isn't enough to feed him entirely. So each pump feels like a disappointment - I work very hard and know that he will want 3 ounces at the next feed. I pump and hand express and take my drugs and herbs to get out a mere 2 ounces. So (at least) 8 times a day, I feel like I am failing.
And I am so tired. Like any parent with a newborn, I could really use some more sleep. Sure, I am not nearly as tired as I was with the newborn twins, but I am really, really tired. That whole "sleep when the baby sleeps" thing doesn't work when you need to pump - not to mention eating and personal hygiene and any little time spent with the older kids (sometimes out of necessity and sometimes for enjoyment). I think about all the hours I would get back if I stopped pumping.
I just don't know what to do with these thoughts. I tried to talk with Wife about them. And that was not a good idea - she just does not have the capacity to talk things out and consider things from my point of view. When I said I just don't know that it is worth it...she got all defensive and mad. Went on and on about how much harder it was for her with the older kids. How she didn't think Baby was getting shafted (and who said anything about that?). So I asked her why she was getting defensive - what had I said that upset her? She said that I had asked for her opinion, but when she gives it, I don't want it. I replied that I was just talking, and that I hadn't asked her to fix anything or even give her opinion, just that she listen to mine and my feelings and be there for me. She said that is all she has been doing for the last 3 weeks: listening. Which explains why I have been getting the silent treatment. She equates listening with not saying anything. How do I get her to understand that listening involves talking, asking questions, showing care by communicating - listening is not a silent action.
Well, I know I am still hormonal, but I think she stinks. I am so DONE trying to get through to her. I am ready to sleep in the office. I am ready to give up on trying to connect with her. I already felt like we were co-habitating, but now I want to make it official. I won't do anything brash, but the thought of moving out sounds lovely. I am so mad at her!
Who gives a flying F how hard it was for her 4 years ago. The fact that she never reached out to me, never talked about it, never opened up and trusted me with how difficult it was only makes it worse. But it is done. And now I am struggling. I am tired, hurt, frustrated, disappointed and pissed. And now I am lonely. Because the person who is supposed to be there most is not able to be present. She sucks!
And I am so tired. Like any parent with a newborn, I could really use some more sleep. Sure, I am not nearly as tired as I was with the newborn twins, but I am really, really tired. That whole "sleep when the baby sleeps" thing doesn't work when you need to pump - not to mention eating and personal hygiene and any little time spent with the older kids (sometimes out of necessity and sometimes for enjoyment). I think about all the hours I would get back if I stopped pumping.
I just don't know what to do with these thoughts. I tried to talk with Wife about them. And that was not a good idea - she just does not have the capacity to talk things out and consider things from my point of view. When I said I just don't know that it is worth it...she got all defensive and mad. Went on and on about how much harder it was for her with the older kids. How she didn't think Baby was getting shafted (and who said anything about that?). So I asked her why she was getting defensive - what had I said that upset her? She said that I had asked for her opinion, but when she gives it, I don't want it. I replied that I was just talking, and that I hadn't asked her to fix anything or even give her opinion, just that she listen to mine and my feelings and be there for me. She said that is all she has been doing for the last 3 weeks: listening. Which explains why I have been getting the silent treatment. She equates listening with not saying anything. How do I get her to understand that listening involves talking, asking questions, showing care by communicating - listening is not a silent action.
Well, I know I am still hormonal, but I think she stinks. I am so DONE trying to get through to her. I am ready to sleep in the office. I am ready to give up on trying to connect with her. I already felt like we were co-habitating, but now I want to make it official. I won't do anything brash, but the thought of moving out sounds lovely. I am so mad at her!
Who gives a flying F how hard it was for her 4 years ago. The fact that she never reached out to me, never talked about it, never opened up and trusted me with how difficult it was only makes it worse. But it is done. And now I am struggling. I am tired, hurt, frustrated, disappointed and pissed. And now I am lonely. Because the person who is supposed to be there most is not able to be present. She sucks!
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