I made it through another work day without testing. This is a big feat for this Bad At Waiting gal. I think I am going to test tomorrow morning though.
Meanwhile, preparing for a session with Wife and Counselor. Not sure if I should toe the party line and say things are fine or open a can worms that will surely land me feeling Lonely and Angry. At this exact moment, things with Wife are fine. I feel Lonely and Ok. That is better than Lonely and Angry. But to break out of Lonely I am going to need to reestablish a connection, which may require uglier days before it gets better. I just don't know if I have the energy for it.
On a brighter note, I ran across some thoughts on Equal Parenting (I'll add a link when I figure out how) that really intrigued me. That opened my mind to me role as parent, teaching and parenting, while I am at work. Parenting is not only done when you are with the kids. So I am definitely going to look into that more and how it could help me feel better about the roles Wife and I play.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Not Testing, Yet
So I had the realization last night as I drove home that there is very little good that can come out of my doing a HPT. Sure, I can easily imagine the almost candy-like experience of peeing on the stick and watching it turn to "Pregnant." And then I would have a positive stick as my souvenir. That is the upside. The downside? I could get a negative, and then I have two days of living in Funk until my bloodwork on Friday. So with this in mind, I formulated a plan. I will test on Friday, right before my bloodwork. That way I get to possibly have the experience, but I also don't have to wait too long to hear actual results.
That *was* my plan anyway. I called my sister and left this plan on her answering machine since she was (somehow?) busy with her own life or her own 5 kids. I was bummed. Then I told my plan to Wife. Her first reaction, other than to smile, was to ask "Did you come up with this yourself?" Then she said she was really proud of me when I said I had. Hmm... And so my plan was in place.
Until this morning. Quick talk with my sister while she was chaperoning a play date. Her take: a negative test just means it was too early. If I could keep that in mind and not go Freaky, there really is no harm in doing the test. She got 2 negatives on one of her kids. It was just too early. And then she had to go.
Meanwhile, gears are starting to shift in my head. Could I approach the results like this? Could I avoid Funk and go for Glory? I am dying to run to the bathroom at work and peed on that blasted stick already. It is like a scab I am only just by the skin of my teeth able to stop picking. Or a bruise that I am dying to push just to see if it still hurts, but somehow I am able to resist, only barely. But I think about All The Time.
The only thing that really keeps me back is wanting to use my first morning pee. Otherwise I would SOO be there already!
That *was* my plan anyway. I called my sister and left this plan on her answering machine since she was (somehow?) busy with her own life or her own 5 kids. I was bummed. Then I told my plan to Wife. Her first reaction, other than to smile, was to ask "Did you come up with this yourself?" Then she said she was really proud of me when I said I had. Hmm... And so my plan was in place.
Until this morning. Quick talk with my sister while she was chaperoning a play date. Her take: a negative test just means it was too early. If I could keep that in mind and not go Freaky, there really is no harm in doing the test. She got 2 negatives on one of her kids. It was just too early. And then she had to go.
Meanwhile, gears are starting to shift in my head. Could I approach the results like this? Could I avoid Funk and go for Glory? I am dying to run to the bathroom at work and peed on that blasted stick already. It is like a scab I am only just by the skin of my teeth able to stop picking. Or a bruise that I am dying to push just to see if it still hurts, but somehow I am able to resist, only barely. But I think about All The Time.
The only thing that really keeps me back is wanting to use my first morning pee. Otherwise I would SOO be there already!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Fear of Optimism - what's that about?
So it has been a few days since posts, mostly because I have had big problems getting out of my head. I am so consumed with the idea of being pregnant, the fear of not being pregnant, the anxiety of both. In some ways I wish I were able to be the stoic type who kept it all in, but no, I have a big mouth. So I have told everyone and their brother (except for at work) that I am trying to get pregnant, which means that I kinda set myself up - kinda. Everyone wants an email on Wednesday (tomorrow!) when I pee on a stick. The official blood test by the doctor isn't until Friday. But the doctor said a HPT might be accurate on Wednesday. Of course I am an inpatient fool so I peed on a stick yesterday. It was negative. I was devastated. I don't know what to think now. Wife says I am still acting weird and she knows I am pregnant. Acupuncture-clairvoyant acted as though I were pregnant. Am I? I am SOOO bad at waiting. I am talking rally, really bad. I can't sleep. I can't work. I should have just taken this week off.
So then I got to thinking about how I finally feel physically ok - which of course scares me, maybe I am not pregnant because I no longer feel anything different - and I am already into my next complaint. I was feeling so awfully uncomfortable last week. Just crazy yucky. And it seems like ages ago. A lot has happened in the last two weeks. Two weeks ago I took my last stim shot - I was still growing eggs! So maybe I need to cut myself some slack and S L O W down. I can see myself going through the entire pregnancy jumping from one complaint to another and getting to the end and realizing I forgot to enjoy it. How sad!
So I am going to attempt a shift of perspective. I would like to capture the moment as I am experiencing it, to still be honest and not just fluff, but I would SOOO love it if I were able to recognize the good parts of the experience too. (Disclaimer: this idea scares the crap out of me. I don't know why I am having that reaction. My first reaction was I don't know how to do this. But I realized that I do have the capacity to do it. I am resourceful and I can figure out a way if I am committed to it. And then whoosh - fear. What is that about?)
So then I got to thinking about how I finally feel physically ok - which of course scares me, maybe I am not pregnant because I no longer feel anything different - and I am already into my next complaint. I was feeling so awfully uncomfortable last week. Just crazy yucky. And it seems like ages ago. A lot has happened in the last two weeks. Two weeks ago I took my last stim shot - I was still growing eggs! So maybe I need to cut myself some slack and S L O W down. I can see myself going through the entire pregnancy jumping from one complaint to another and getting to the end and realizing I forgot to enjoy it. How sad!
So I am going to attempt a shift of perspective. I would like to capture the moment as I am experiencing it, to still be honest and not just fluff, but I would SOOO love it if I were able to recognize the good parts of the experience too. (Disclaimer: this idea scares the crap out of me. I don't know why I am having that reaction. My first reaction was I don't know how to do this. But I realized that I do have the capacity to do it. I am resourceful and I can figure out a way if I am committed to it. And then whoosh - fear. What is that about?)
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Sleep Issue 1, Mom 0
Really I shouldn't even pretend to keep score because the true tally would be so far out of my favor. Incredibly unbalanced towards Kids. Things had been going better. I had been able to get both Kids to sleep in about 40 minutes, without losing my temper. I had a good thing going where I repeated to myself "Your job is just to be here for them. They will fall asleep eventually. Your role is not to get mad - stay calm."
But something changed last week when both kids were sick and not sleeping well, and now neither is falling asleep without serious effort. They just don't want to sleep. (I don't think they are doing enough during the day, especially with Wife feeling sick so they watch a lot of tv and hang out at the house.) So they are not quite tired enough? or maybe it is a growth spurt or maybe them falling asleep relatively easily for a few weeks was just a fluke. Either way, things suck now. And still, I was doing a good job of not getting mad, staying calm and seeing it through. I can handle 30 minutes pretty easily. Around 40 minutes my blood does start to boil, though, and I wonder how I can actually DISLIKE my kids so much? Why won't they just stuck the F up, close their eyes and go to sleep? Why do they push me so much? It literally drives me batty and yet today, I was doing such a great job of not reacting, not getting caught up in it. And so it escalated. When Boy didn't get a reaction out of me, he stepped it up a notch. He started screaming for me, whining, begging and pleading for a new shirt. I maintained my calmness and told him "night night" like they say. "Don't engage - say nothing or night night" But this just made him more mad, and his pleading took on a tortured edge. He finally calmed down from the frantic begging to ask me more calmly for a new shirt. And I did what I thought was right - I laid him back down, gently (even though I wanted to wring his neck) and did not engage. I sat by his bed while he screamed and cried. And that is where I was when Wife came in their bedroom and asked what I was doing. Told me Boy had screamed and asked nicely and I needed to respond to him. So I left the bedroom and told her she could do it her way. Her response? I don't remember the exact words, but something along the lines of "No, I am not doing it. But you better do it my way or I am going to come in and undermine you again." At this point both Kids are screaming for Wife, and I think I can try to get them to sleep, but the second I walk in the bedroom I know I am going to lose it with them and I don't want to do that. I don't want to yell at them any more. I don't want to end the day mad at them and them knowing I am mad and unhappy with them. So I tell them I love them, it is time to go to sleep and I leave the room. I go in our bathroom because I don't know what else to do. I hear Wife go in with the Kids, so I go for a walk. I needed to get out. It felt good.
But honestly, I just don't know what to do. I have no F-ing clue what I am doing, and I am so sick of getting nailed for trying. I know I don't like how things are. I don't like how things have been. I can't say I have been parenting consistent with my parenting philosophy, and I have no clue if Wife even has an idea how she wants to parent. Well, maybe she has an idea but I seriously doubt that she cares about not being a better parent. I don't think she has a problem with yelling at the Kids. I don't think she has a problem with belittling them. She clearly does not have a problem with bribery or getting them to listen only when a Token is involved. And she is terribly overprotective. And rigid and controlling. And for all her love, she is not very nurturing. She is not very supportive. She thinks the world of Kids, and danger to anyone (including me) who tries to criticize them. But she doesn't really build their esteem very much. Instead she holds them back - doesn't let them try new things and experience successes and failures.
A friend emailed me this evening - we were possibly watching her twins for a night while she and her wife celebrated their anniversary. She declined our offer. (Granted, she got a better offer. Another friend is going to stay at her house so her kids can be in their own beds, etc. But something tells me she shopped for this better solution.) But the truth is, I don't blame her. I don't know how I would feel leaving my kids in our house. That's a pretty bad sign. But what am I going to do about it? Well, as my accupuncturist would say, that is the question you need to sit with until you have the answer. Sitting. Sitting.
But something changed last week when both kids were sick and not sleeping well, and now neither is falling asleep without serious effort. They just don't want to sleep. (I don't think they are doing enough during the day, especially with Wife feeling sick so they watch a lot of tv and hang out at the house.) So they are not quite tired enough? or maybe it is a growth spurt or maybe them falling asleep relatively easily for a few weeks was just a fluke. Either way, things suck now. And still, I was doing a good job of not getting mad, staying calm and seeing it through. I can handle 30 minutes pretty easily. Around 40 minutes my blood does start to boil, though, and I wonder how I can actually DISLIKE my kids so much? Why won't they just stuck the F up, close their eyes and go to sleep? Why do they push me so much? It literally drives me batty and yet today, I was doing such a great job of not reacting, not getting caught up in it. And so it escalated. When Boy didn't get a reaction out of me, he stepped it up a notch. He started screaming for me, whining, begging and pleading for a new shirt. I maintained my calmness and told him "night night" like they say. "Don't engage - say nothing or night night" But this just made him more mad, and his pleading took on a tortured edge. He finally calmed down from the frantic begging to ask me more calmly for a new shirt. And I did what I thought was right - I laid him back down, gently (even though I wanted to wring his neck) and did not engage. I sat by his bed while he screamed and cried. And that is where I was when Wife came in their bedroom and asked what I was doing. Told me Boy had screamed and asked nicely and I needed to respond to him. So I left the bedroom and told her she could do it her way. Her response? I don't remember the exact words, but something along the lines of "No, I am not doing it. But you better do it my way or I am going to come in and undermine you again." At this point both Kids are screaming for Wife, and I think I can try to get them to sleep, but the second I walk in the bedroom I know I am going to lose it with them and I don't want to do that. I don't want to yell at them any more. I don't want to end the day mad at them and them knowing I am mad and unhappy with them. So I tell them I love them, it is time to go to sleep and I leave the room. I go in our bathroom because I don't know what else to do. I hear Wife go in with the Kids, so I go for a walk. I needed to get out. It felt good.
But honestly, I just don't know what to do. I have no F-ing clue what I am doing, and I am so sick of getting nailed for trying. I know I don't like how things are. I don't like how things have been. I can't say I have been parenting consistent with my parenting philosophy, and I have no clue if Wife even has an idea how she wants to parent. Well, maybe she has an idea but I seriously doubt that she cares about not being a better parent. I don't think she has a problem with yelling at the Kids. I don't think she has a problem with belittling them. She clearly does not have a problem with bribery or getting them to listen only when a Token is involved. And she is terribly overprotective. And rigid and controlling. And for all her love, she is not very nurturing. She is not very supportive. She thinks the world of Kids, and danger to anyone (including me) who tries to criticize them. But she doesn't really build their esteem very much. Instead she holds them back - doesn't let them try new things and experience successes and failures.
A friend emailed me this evening - we were possibly watching her twins for a night while she and her wife celebrated their anniversary. She declined our offer. (Granted, she got a better offer. Another friend is going to stay at her house so her kids can be in their own beds, etc. But something tells me she shopped for this better solution.) But the truth is, I don't blame her. I don't know how I would feel leaving my kids in our house. That's a pretty bad sign. But what am I going to do about it? Well, as my accupuncturist would say, that is the question you need to sit with until you have the answer. Sitting. Sitting.
So I am finally starting to emerge from my severe hormonal funk. At least I hope this is the start of something more even, and I REALLY hope this isn't a sign that I am not pregnant. I still feel a lot going on "down there" but not the same sort of cramping. There hasn't been any spotting or anything. I am so superstitious about this all. Is it bad to want to so much?
So I am feeling better emotionally, MUCH more patient with the Kids this morning. But I still cant' muster up any enthusiasm for work. Really. I have spent the day reading blogs and paying bills and just generally wasting time. I might say I can't wait until it's time to go home, but that is when my real work begins - I don't get a free second to sit down from when I walk in the door until Wife does bath. The Kids are so excited to see me (yes, it does feel wonderful) and they just want to play (and yes, I do feel bad that sometimes it seems like a chore) I am just so tired! I can't tell you what I am tired from, except maybe boredom, but it is really hard to get up the energy to play with them. I am sure this is all part of the depression I am experiencing. My abdomen hurts so I am not comfortable getting up and down, and I am too sensitive to play rough and tumble. But honestly, it is the whining that gets to me most. When did my children become such whiners? Is it the age or is it the temperament or it is that I didn't wipe it out at the beginning? I am leaning toward temperament. But how annoying is that?
So I do have a project. I am alarmed at how much juice my kids drink. Wife does not share my views that juice is evil. She does water it down (1 part juice to 3 parts water) but since Kids drink cups and cups of this mixture, they are drinking a lot of juice! I don't think she knows how much it all adds up. So that is my project for this afternoon. And hopefully someday soon I will have the nerve to approach Wife about it, and hopefully she will not rip me a new one and we an come to an appropriate, mature decision that reflects both our parenting desires. Ha!
So I am feeling better emotionally, MUCH more patient with the Kids this morning. But I still cant' muster up any enthusiasm for work. Really. I have spent the day reading blogs and paying bills and just generally wasting time. I might say I can't wait until it's time to go home, but that is when my real work begins - I don't get a free second to sit down from when I walk in the door until Wife does bath. The Kids are so excited to see me (yes, it does feel wonderful) and they just want to play (and yes, I do feel bad that sometimes it seems like a chore) I am just so tired! I can't tell you what I am tired from, except maybe boredom, but it is really hard to get up the energy to play with them. I am sure this is all part of the depression I am experiencing. My abdomen hurts so I am not comfortable getting up and down, and I am too sensitive to play rough and tumble. But honestly, it is the whining that gets to me most. When did my children become such whiners? Is it the age or is it the temperament or it is that I didn't wipe it out at the beginning? I am leaning toward temperament. But how annoying is that?
So I do have a project. I am alarmed at how much juice my kids drink. Wife does not share my views that juice is evil. She does water it down (1 part juice to 3 parts water) but since Kids drink cups and cups of this mixture, they are drinking a lot of juice! I don't think she knows how much it all adds up. So that is my project for this afternoon. And hopefully someday soon I will have the nerve to approach Wife about it, and hopefully she will not rip me a new one and we an come to an appropriate, mature decision that reflects both our parenting desires. Ha!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Is it Me?
OK, so I am just an emotional wreck right now and I am so frustrated with Wife, who just seems to leave me hanging all the time. And I can't figure out if it is just me being overly emotional and sensitive or if she is underly emotional and insensitive. Tonight was not a good night for me and the kids. Normal routine includes bath at 7, books at 7:30, in bed by 8 and it is anyone's guess what time kids actually fall asleep while I sit in the room, alternately holding Girl's hand and sitting on the edge of Boy's bed. We do not have good sleepers and we have a whole slew of bad habits that prolong the process (long story that I might go into someday, but probably not - it is what it is). Anyway, Wife has been giving Kids the bath so I get a few minutes of rest between work/dinner and being in the bedroom for at least an hour. Tonight I thought I would be nice and offered to do bath since Wife had a soccer game at 8:50 (who plans a game that late???) for the second day in a row and she was exhausted. Well, bath was what it was, a little more animated than when Wife does it, but they got clean, in pjs, finished books, in bed, and then kids would not go to sleep. At all. They would not stop talking. They would not stop jumping out of bed. They would not even try to lay down. They had no intention of pretending to try to fall asleep, and although I am not proud of it, I lost it. I yelled. I got mad. I made things worse. Finally at 9pm I stepped out of the room to try to settle myself and see if they would possibly calm down and we could start again. Bad idea! Things got more hectic, and it was not pretty. I feel terrible for losing my temper (I had been getting so much better about it) and I am exhausted and honestly, I am still pretty mad at the kids. I am ashamed that I dislike them so much when they don't listen, but that is just the way it is. And right now I am not happy with Kids and I have no desire to see them or have fun with them tomorrow. I know, I need to get over it - they are just doing what is developmentally appropriate or what I am teaching them is acceptable. I should not hold it against them. I just don't know how to get over their little laughing faces when they are knowingly misbehaving. I take it personally. I don't know how not to. So they finally fell asleep at 10pm, and I feel like Crap (with a capital C).
So around 10:30 Wife comes home from game. I am in the living room checking email when she walks in. I ask how her game was (it sucked, they got pummeled), I mention that she looks tired (defeated actually) and she mentions that she is sore. She goes into bedroom. I know she will not ask me how my evening was because she doesn't ask questions like that. The Animals start acting a bit crazy so she comes through the living room to let the Dogs out, while asking me if I have been ignoring them because they are a bit hyper. On her way back, I mention that if by chance the kids wake up early (which they have been doing with a vengeance), they are all hers. I told her I had a tough night and they didn't fall asleep until 10. She says "fine" - literally, "fine" and walks away. Now don't you think this is an opportunity for Wife to be supportive? "I am sorry you had a tough time. Do you want to talk about it?" or even "I am so tired I can't deal with it right now, but that sucks - I hope it is better tomorrow." Something! Seriously, "fine"? But wait, it gets better. Because Wife passes back through a little while later to let Dogs in, and after thinking about it a little more, her response is now "You might want to rethink your bath routine." What a bitch! I had a hard night, and apparently now it is my fault and nope, still no sympathy or empathy. Am I reading too much into this? Is she saying that I fucked it up starting with bath and that I kinda deserve the hard night I had getting the kids to sleep? Because that is kinda shitty.
And here is the real rub. I am so getting close to talking with her about these things - about how I feel and standing up for myself even though I know it will bring an onslaught of her defensiveness and even greater levels of accusations and nastiness. But with these crazy hormones running through me, I don't trust my impressions. Maybe it wasn't that awful. Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I did fuck things up and she is actually being helpful?
How do I learn to trust Who I Am when I don't?
So around 10:30 Wife comes home from game. I am in the living room checking email when she walks in. I ask how her game was (it sucked, they got pummeled), I mention that she looks tired (defeated actually) and she mentions that she is sore. She goes into bedroom. I know she will not ask me how my evening was because she doesn't ask questions like that. The Animals start acting a bit crazy so she comes through the living room to let the Dogs out, while asking me if I have been ignoring them because they are a bit hyper. On her way back, I mention that if by chance the kids wake up early (which they have been doing with a vengeance), they are all hers. I told her I had a tough night and they didn't fall asleep until 10. She says "fine" - literally, "fine" and walks away. Now don't you think this is an opportunity for Wife to be supportive? "I am sorry you had a tough time. Do you want to talk about it?" or even "I am so tired I can't deal with it right now, but that sucks - I hope it is better tomorrow." Something! Seriously, "fine"? But wait, it gets better. Because Wife passes back through a little while later to let Dogs in, and after thinking about it a little more, her response is now "You might want to rethink your bath routine." What a bitch! I had a hard night, and apparently now it is my fault and nope, still no sympathy or empathy. Am I reading too much into this? Is she saying that I fucked it up starting with bath and that I kinda deserve the hard night I had getting the kids to sleep? Because that is kinda shitty.
And here is the real rub. I am so getting close to talking with her about these things - about how I feel and standing up for myself even though I know it will bring an onslaught of her defensiveness and even greater levels of accusations and nastiness. But with these crazy hormones running through me, I don't trust my impressions. Maybe it wasn't that awful. Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I did fuck things up and she is actually being helpful?
How do I learn to trust Who I Am when I don't?
It's Official...
I am leaking white stuff from my cooch. Yuck! Oh, and I am depressed. Urgh! Not the "gee I am sad, things are kinda sour right now" type of depression. I get the "my whole life is pointless and I am such a waste, I have no energy to do anything and I don't deserve anything anyway" type. I had been doing so well. And I can't tell if this is because I am pregnant (which I SOOOO want to believe) or because my body is already laughing at me and knows I am not pregnant (which really seems like a stretch, but seems so feasible with my doomsday goggles on). I mean really, I feel pregnant. I am so exhausted. I am hungry. I can't keep a coherent thought in my head for longer than a minute. (And my typing is horrendous - I am not simply reversing letters; I put the second letter at the end of a 6-letter word - what is going on here?) But then again, it could just be a result of the white stuff oozing out between my thighs.
Monday, September 20, 2010
I'm Dying to Test
OK, so technically I have been pregnant for 48 hours, and I am dying to see that little positive test. I know that if I peed on a stick right now I would get it - due to the remaining trigger and the wonderful little progesterone suppositories I am stuffing up my snatch. (BTW, I am not pleased about those. So far I haven't had the leaking cream or powder, but I am wearing a little liner in my undies just in case, and I HATE the feel of paper and padding between my thighs. My cooch likes cotton.) But back to being pregnant. I do not feel it. I feel bloated and miserable. My ovaries must be the size of lemons and I can feel smoosh everything when I sit down. I get jabby pain in my left side (mostly) when I get up too quickly. And I can't fit in any of my pants. This part sucks! I am tired and cranky. Yesterday all I wanted to do was cry. TOO MANY HORMONES! Instead I went to the County Fair and I tried really hard to have fun. I pretended to have fun. Really I just wanted to be in bed or under a rock.
I don't understand why I am not getting more enjoyment from being around my kids. They are driving me batty -- too much whining, crying, complaining...talking. They talk nonstop about nothing and you have to concentrate really hard to figure out what they are saying, but then they talk at the same time and all they are really saying is how they are not happy about what we are doing. It is so annoying! Wife says I am too short-tempered with them right now, and that I am the only one who doesn't see them as well-behaved, wonderful children. I wish I did. When we go to a friend's house, all I see is how aggressive Boy is. He jumps on everyone and everybody, and he tries to negotiate out of restrictions/rules. He is sensitive and quick to melt down when he doesn't get his way or when he gets in trouble. And he is bossy! (In short, he is just like me, or particularly how I was at that age.) Meanwhile Girl is actually pretty easy right now. Still really hard to understand and always wants to be doing something different than everybody else, but not too bad. Maybe I struggle most with the kids now because Boy pushes all my buttons because of our similarities whereas Wife is so much more like Girl. Or maybe it is because I am a hot cranky mess.
I need to be drinking more water - urgh , please no more water or Gatorade. I should be thinking positive thoughts - but I just want to sleep. Somebody please help me concentrate at work so I can get something productive accomplished!
I don't understand why I am not getting more enjoyment from being around my kids. They are driving me batty -- too much whining, crying, complaining...talking. They talk nonstop about nothing and you have to concentrate really hard to figure out what they are saying, but then they talk at the same time and all they are really saying is how they are not happy about what we are doing. It is so annoying! Wife says I am too short-tempered with them right now, and that I am the only one who doesn't see them as well-behaved, wonderful children. I wish I did. When we go to a friend's house, all I see is how aggressive Boy is. He jumps on everyone and everybody, and he tries to negotiate out of restrictions/rules. He is sensitive and quick to melt down when he doesn't get his way or when he gets in trouble. And he is bossy! (In short, he is just like me, or particularly how I was at that age.) Meanwhile Girl is actually pretty easy right now. Still really hard to understand and always wants to be doing something different than everybody else, but not too bad. Maybe I struggle most with the kids now because Boy pushes all my buttons because of our similarities whereas Wife is so much more like Girl. Or maybe it is because I am a hot cranky mess.
I need to be drinking more water - urgh , please no more water or Gatorade. I should be thinking positive thoughts - but I just want to sleep. Somebody please help me concentrate at work so I can get something productive accomplished!
Saturday, September 18, 2010
IVF Update: Egg Transfer
I am so proud of my little embryos! We went to the doctor this morning for Transfer and Dr. Personality actually turned into Dr. Niceguy. He was surprised but full of support and even cracking a few jokes. So he started off by saying that we overcame two major obstacles (little reaction to stimulation and poor sperm quality) but he is very impressed with the results. Of the 10 eggs that fertilized, all 10 are at 4 cells now. (It is normal to lose a few or have a few delayed.) Also, the embryologist rates each embryo on a scale of 1-4. A 4 never results in a pregnancy. A 1 rarely does, so a 2 or 3 is good, with a 2 being better than a 3. Of my 10, seven got a rating of 2 and three have a rating of 3. Woo hoo! And then there is another issue (I can't remember exactly what is is called but I think it might have been fracturing )- where little bits float off and kinda mill around. The goal is less than 10% floating, and all 10 of mine had 0% floating. Again, woo hoo! I am so proud of my little embryos!
So then Dr. Niceguy gave us the numbers. We easily took 1 and 4 embryos off the table. Too low and too high. If we transfer 2, we have a 38% chance of a pregnancy. Eeks - that doesn't seem too high. But we have less than 1% chance of triplets. If we transfer 3 embryos, we have a 60% chance of getting pregnant (better!) but a 35% chance of triplets. Yikes! It is weird how 38% chance of something you want seems low but 35% chance of something you don't want seems high. Math is so much more than simply numbers!
So we went with 2. 2 beautiful, wonderful embryos sitting in my cozy uterus, just embarking on implantation. Now we have to wait two weeks (two weeks!!!) for the blood work to see if I am pregnant or not. I am so not good with waiting.
On the homefront, Wife has been super easy to be around, and she has also been really nice to take over some of the things I usually do, such as put the kiddos to bed at night. Such a relief not to have to deal with that right now. I slept most of the afternoon and she was totally ok with that. Kids have been great at not jumping on my and taking it way around me too. I forgot to mention that we decorated my tummy this morning before going in for the transfer. Wife and Kids each put their hands on my stomach just over my uterus and Wife made outlines in Sharpee. Then they each colored them in. We told the kids about how we were going to the doctor to try to make a baby and that this way the baby will know that Big Brother and Bog Sister are excited to have a baby. Kids loved it. When I got home first thing The Boy asked was if I had a baby in my tummy. Man I hope so!
So then Dr. Niceguy gave us the numbers. We easily took 1 and 4 embryos off the table. Too low and too high. If we transfer 2, we have a 38% chance of a pregnancy. Eeks - that doesn't seem too high. But we have less than 1% chance of triplets. If we transfer 3 embryos, we have a 60% chance of getting pregnant (better!) but a 35% chance of triplets. Yikes! It is weird how 38% chance of something you want seems low but 35% chance of something you don't want seems high. Math is so much more than simply numbers!
So we went with 2. 2 beautiful, wonderful embryos sitting in my cozy uterus, just embarking on implantation. Now we have to wait two weeks (two weeks!!!) for the blood work to see if I am pregnant or not. I am so not good with waiting.
On the homefront, Wife has been super easy to be around, and she has also been really nice to take over some of the things I usually do, such as put the kiddos to bed at night. Such a relief not to have to deal with that right now. I slept most of the afternoon and she was totally ok with that. Kids have been great at not jumping on my and taking it way around me too. I forgot to mention that we decorated my tummy this morning before going in for the transfer. Wife and Kids each put their hands on my stomach just over my uterus and Wife made outlines in Sharpee. Then they each colored them in. We told the kids about how we were going to the doctor to try to make a baby and that this way the baby will know that Big Brother and Bog Sister are excited to have a baby. Kids loved it. When I got home first thing The Boy asked was if I had a baby in my tummy. Man I hope so!
Friday, September 17, 2010
IVF Update: Fertilization
Despite the odds, and in spite of Dr. Personality's diagnosis of less-than-good sperm, 10 of my 14 eggs fertilized. Woo hoo! So now we will likely have several extra to put on ice after tomorrow's transfer. That's right, transfer is tomorrow. It seems so soon. I originally thought it would be Sunday, and we had childcare all lines up and plans to go to the County Fair, etc. But plans change and this would be so exciting if it weren't so scary.
I went to the accupuncturist today for a final tune up/tune in and I feel very in touch with my fertile side. My uterus is glowing green and gold, ready for embryos to find a safe and cozy home, to nuzzle in and grow into little fetuses. Eeks - I can't seem to get away from thinking in plural. I am 85% sure I want just one baby. But when it comes down to it, I want 2 babies much more than I want none, so I just don't know how much to risk it. The big question will be how many embryos to transfer. I just don't know! I am hoping the embryologist can give me some good mathematical percentages that I can grasp onto - I would like to transfer as many as it takes to have a 60% chance of pregnancy. Rather, how many would it take to have no more than 100% total. For example (and I am making these numbers completely up), if I transfer 1 there is a 35% chance of pregnancy and 0% chance of twins. If I transfer 2 there is a 50% chance of pregnancy and a 20% chance of twins. (50 + 20 <100 = Not high enough). If I transfer 3 there is a 65% chance of pregnancy, a 35% chance of twins and a 10% chance of triplets (65 + 35 + 10 > 100 = too high). But hopefully the numbers will be different and I can get something in the 80s or 90s. That's the goal.
Meanwhile, things on the home front are much better. I am feeling nicer toward Wife and I really appreciate how I was able to sleep all day yesterday. I am not getting frustrated and inpatient with Kids because I slept all day yesterday. So if I can just sleep for the next few weeks I think we will all be good.
And shout out to the ethos - please wish me luck tomorrow!
I went to the accupuncturist today for a final tune up/tune in and I feel very in touch with my fertile side. My uterus is glowing green and gold, ready for embryos to find a safe and cozy home, to nuzzle in and grow into little fetuses. Eeks - I can't seem to get away from thinking in plural. I am 85% sure I want just one baby. But when it comes down to it, I want 2 babies much more than I want none, so I just don't know how much to risk it. The big question will be how many embryos to transfer. I just don't know! I am hoping the embryologist can give me some good mathematical percentages that I can grasp onto - I would like to transfer as many as it takes to have a 60% chance of pregnancy. Rather, how many would it take to have no more than 100% total. For example (and I am making these numbers completely up), if I transfer 1 there is a 35% chance of pregnancy and 0% chance of twins. If I transfer 2 there is a 50% chance of pregnancy and a 20% chance of twins. (50 + 20 <100 = Not high enough). If I transfer 3 there is a 65% chance of pregnancy, a 35% chance of twins and a 10% chance of triplets (65 + 35 + 10 > 100 = too high). But hopefully the numbers will be different and I can get something in the 80s or 90s. That's the goal.
Meanwhile, things on the home front are much better. I am feeling nicer toward Wife and I really appreciate how I was able to sleep all day yesterday. I am not getting frustrated and inpatient with Kids because I slept all day yesterday. So if I can just sleep for the next few weeks I think we will all be good.
And shout out to the ethos - please wish me luck tomorrow!
IVF Update: Egg Retrieval
So I meant to blog yesterday but I was simply too drugged out. I had my egg retrieval, which was SO much better than I thought it would be. I took my Valium like a good girl and was pleasantly "dulled" when I got into the office. Getting the IV sucked - two pricks before it worked - but seriously, that was the worst part. The doctor came in, not my regular doctor who is out of town, but Mr. Personality who told me my right ovary was a dud. Anyway, I liked him better this time because he gave me serious numbing drugs and I was a silly mess. I don't remember what garbage I was talking about - but I am pretty sure none of it made sense. They gave me some local anesthesia shots on my ovaries (I think - remember, very drugged out) which were like little pinches but not too bad. Then they put what I later learned was a BIG ASS NEEDLE up my cooch and started sucking out eggs. You could see the needle poke into the little follicles and shrink them up. Slurp slurp several times and then they were done. Well, there was some "clean up" which I really didn't want to think about bleeding and suck, so I ignored that part. Meanwhile I just hope they are staring at my vagina and not my flaming hemorrhoids.
So doctor does a count and says he expects about 5 eggs to be mature, and anything above that is gravy. But he will be back in about 20 minutes to tell us the count. So we wait. And about 20 minutes later Dr. Personality comes back and says, "I don't know where they came from, but we got 14 eggs." Holy crap! That is pretty exciting news! So with the help of the nurse, I slowly get up, put my clothes back on and even though they tell me not to eat anything until we get home, and to avoid fatty foods for the rest of the day, Wife and I go to Jack in the Box. I mean seriously, I need some fat, warm food in me.
I then go home and sleep for hours. Pretty good sleep too.
So doctor does a count and says he expects about 5 eggs to be mature, and anything above that is gravy. But he will be back in about 20 minutes to tell us the count. So we wait. And about 20 minutes later Dr. Personality comes back and says, "I don't know where they came from, but we got 14 eggs." Holy crap! That is pretty exciting news! So with the help of the nurse, I slowly get up, put my clothes back on and even though they tell me not to eat anything until we get home, and to avoid fatty foods for the rest of the day, Wife and I go to Jack in the Box. I mean seriously, I need some fat, warm food in me.
I then go home and sleep for hours. Pretty good sleep too.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Cold night
So last night I went to a friend's house in the evening, after all kids were asleep, and normally this would have been a rejuvenating event - a reconnection that almost always makes me feel instantly better. Instead I feel like a dud. I was boring, critical, dwelling on sad things - just not somebody I would want to be around. I really hope this is a result of the IVF-hormones. Please don't let this be the new me. What scares me is that this is the second time it has happened with this particular friend. So maybe there is something boring about the friendship - where we are not yet at the point where we can call each other on the crap we spew (we have only known each other about a year). Or maybe we won't get to that point? Urgh - I hate the emotional strangle-hold I feel under.
Because when I got home, my wife was sitting on the couch, which is right next to the front door, and when I came in the house, she didn't even say hi. And this made me to sad/pissed me off! And then when I said hi and tried to engage her, I noticed that the dog was on the couch. So we just moved to a new house (rental - bummer!) a few weeks ago, and one change that I have been trying hard to implement is not letting the dogs go on the couch anymore. I am sick of the couch and pillows and blankets smelling like dog. Apparently I am the only one. So last night when I see Wife with dog and I say, "What is Dog doing on the couch?" and Wife replies "It's not a big deal - she hasn't been feeling well" this just sent me over the edge of Sometimes-I-Can't-Stand-My-Wife. Seriously. She could have apologized. She could have explained her decision to let Dog on the couch. She could have made a joke. Instead she cut my position off - she has no intention of respecting my preference that Dog does not sit on the couch. So I took the "mature" route of ignoring her, which turned into not talking to her, which turned into her not talking to me and it was a COLD night at our place.
Because when I got home, my wife was sitting on the couch, which is right next to the front door, and when I came in the house, she didn't even say hi. And this made me to sad/pissed me off! And then when I said hi and tried to engage her, I noticed that the dog was on the couch. So we just moved to a new house (rental - bummer!) a few weeks ago, and one change that I have been trying hard to implement is not letting the dogs go on the couch anymore. I am sick of the couch and pillows and blankets smelling like dog. Apparently I am the only one. So last night when I see Wife with dog and I say, "What is Dog doing on the couch?" and Wife replies "It's not a big deal - she hasn't been feeling well" this just sent me over the edge of Sometimes-I-Can't-Stand-My-Wife. Seriously. She could have apologized. She could have explained her decision to let Dog on the couch. She could have made a joke. Instead she cut my position off - she has no intention of respecting my preference that Dog does not sit on the couch. So I took the "mature" route of ignoring her, which turned into not talking to her, which turned into her not talking to me and it was a COLD night at our place.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Taking the Plunge
I have been debating starting a blog for at least 6 months. I recently started reading a lot of strangers' blogs, and I am mildly addicted. But I really just need to start writing about what I am feeling, what I am stressing about and what insights I have. I talked myself out of this for so long - I don't exactly have anything to say that hasn't been said before, and better - but I finally realized last night, in the hazed euphoria after eating "special cookies," that I need to write for myself. This is my record, my log, my secret place.
But I wonder, can I really remain anonymous? Can I write honestly and openly what I really feel without fear that somebody I care about will read it and be hurt? Can I change the names of all participants, all streets, all restaurants, etc to maintain my cover? I have to believe that nobody is going to search out this blog, and that I can stay secret. (If you happen to be reading this and you are experienced with blogging, please PLEASE let me know if I am making a terrible mistake with this assumption.)
So quick snapshot of my life: Top of mind right now, every second of every day, is the IVF cycle that I am in the middle of. In fact, I have only 1 more injection to go (a big one) and then just 36 hours until my egg retrieval. I am so hopeful and so terrified at the same time. Yes, I want to have a baby and I want to be pregnant - but my marriage is not where I would have chosen it to be. I want to love my wife, but most of the time I find her very mean, insensitive, boring or clueless.
It is the meanness that gets to me most. She is just not nice. And I can't figure out how much is the effects of the multiple hormones I have been injecting into myself for the past 3 weeks, and how much is true. Several months (a year?) ago, I was seriously debating leaving her. We went to therapy (are still in therapy) and things got a ton better. Eventually I got very optimistic that our relationship didn't have to be so bitter and tricky. So I made the decision to stick it out, to continue working on it, to commit to us. Now I question whether it was the right choice to bring another child into the sometimes toxic family.
Yes, I did say another child. We have two kids already, twins - one girl, one boy - who are almost three and a half. They are a handful right now - just about anything sends them into meltdown. If I accidentally bring their juice into the living room for them, tears, whining and crying. If I suggest we go to the store, one gets excited and the other breaks down in tears, whining and crying. Nap time...tears, whining and crying. Driving me insane! I know their former versions, who were incredibly lovable and playable and fun and silly, are in there somewhere, but they have been overrun by cranky, tired, unhelpful beasts. Again, hormones not helping with my patience, so sadly I am angry around them too much. Got to avoid kids for their sake.
Have I mentioned that I am in the middle of IVF? I am having a really hard time concentrating at work - can't get anything done because all I want to do is read things on the Internet about IVF. What chances do I have of this working? Where should all my hormone levels be? Am I having normal body aches or am I getting sick or what is going on with my body? But mostly, will I get pregnant (please) and how many babies will I bring into this world? (And will I be a good mama to this child/these children? etc.)
But speaking of work, I am going to try to get back at it. Maybe more tonight or hopefully tomorrow.
But I wonder, can I really remain anonymous? Can I write honestly and openly what I really feel without fear that somebody I care about will read it and be hurt? Can I change the names of all participants, all streets, all restaurants, etc to maintain my cover? I have to believe that nobody is going to search out this blog, and that I can stay secret. (If you happen to be reading this and you are experienced with blogging, please PLEASE let me know if I am making a terrible mistake with this assumption.)
So quick snapshot of my life: Top of mind right now, every second of every day, is the IVF cycle that I am in the middle of. In fact, I have only 1 more injection to go (a big one) and then just 36 hours until my egg retrieval. I am so hopeful and so terrified at the same time. Yes, I want to have a baby and I want to be pregnant - but my marriage is not where I would have chosen it to be. I want to love my wife, but most of the time I find her very mean, insensitive, boring or clueless.
It is the meanness that gets to me most. She is just not nice. And I can't figure out how much is the effects of the multiple hormones I have been injecting into myself for the past 3 weeks, and how much is true. Several months (a year?) ago, I was seriously debating leaving her. We went to therapy (are still in therapy) and things got a ton better. Eventually I got very optimistic that our relationship didn't have to be so bitter and tricky. So I made the decision to stick it out, to continue working on it, to commit to us. Now I question whether it was the right choice to bring another child into the sometimes toxic family.
Yes, I did say another child. We have two kids already, twins - one girl, one boy - who are almost three and a half. They are a handful right now - just about anything sends them into meltdown. If I accidentally bring their juice into the living room for them, tears, whining and crying. If I suggest we go to the store, one gets excited and the other breaks down in tears, whining and crying. Nap time...tears, whining and crying. Driving me insane! I know their former versions, who were incredibly lovable and playable and fun and silly, are in there somewhere, but they have been overrun by cranky, tired, unhelpful beasts. Again, hormones not helping with my patience, so sadly I am angry around them too much. Got to avoid kids for their sake.
Have I mentioned that I am in the middle of IVF? I am having a really hard time concentrating at work - can't get anything done because all I want to do is read things on the Internet about IVF. What chances do I have of this working? Where should all my hormone levels be? Am I having normal body aches or am I getting sick or what is going on with my body? But mostly, will I get pregnant (please) and how many babies will I bring into this world? (And will I be a good mama to this child/these children? etc.)
But speaking of work, I am going to try to get back at it. Maybe more tonight or hopefully tomorrow.
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