Really I shouldn't even pretend to keep score because the true tally would be so far out of my favor. Incredibly unbalanced towards Kids. Things had been going better. I had been able to get both Kids to sleep in about 40 minutes, without losing my temper. I had a good thing going where I repeated to myself "Your job is just to be here for them. They will fall asleep eventually. Your role is not to get mad - stay calm."
But something changed last week when both kids were sick and not sleeping well, and now neither is falling asleep without serious effort. They just don't want to sleep. (I don't think they are doing enough during the day, especially with Wife feeling sick so they watch a lot of tv and hang out at the house.) So they are not quite tired enough? or maybe it is a growth spurt or maybe them falling asleep relatively easily for a few weeks was just a fluke. Either way, things suck now. And still, I was doing a good job of not getting mad, staying calm and seeing it through. I can handle 30 minutes pretty easily. Around 40 minutes my blood does start to boil, though, and I wonder how I can actually DISLIKE my kids so much? Why won't they just stuck the F up, close their eyes and go to sleep? Why do they push me so much? It literally drives me batty and yet today, I was doing such a great job of not reacting, not getting caught up in it. And so it escalated. When Boy didn't get a reaction out of me, he stepped it up a notch. He started screaming for me, whining, begging and pleading for a new shirt. I maintained my calmness and told him "night night" like they say. "Don't engage - say nothing or night night" But this just made him more mad, and his pleading took on a tortured edge. He finally calmed down from the frantic begging to ask me more calmly for a new shirt. And I did what I thought was right - I laid him back down, gently (even though I wanted to wring his neck) and did not engage. I sat by his bed while he screamed and cried. And that is where I was when Wife came in their bedroom and asked what I was doing. Told me Boy had screamed and asked nicely and I needed to respond to him. So I left the bedroom and told her she could do it her way. Her response? I don't remember the exact words, but something along the lines of "No, I am not doing it. But you better do it my way or I am going to come in and undermine you again." At this point both Kids are screaming for Wife, and I think I can try to get them to sleep, but the second I walk in the bedroom I know I am going to lose it with them and I don't want to do that. I don't want to yell at them any more. I don't want to end the day mad at them and them knowing I am mad and unhappy with them. So I tell them I love them, it is time to go to sleep and I leave the room. I go in our bathroom because I don't know what else to do. I hear Wife go in with the Kids, so I go for a walk. I needed to get out. It felt good.
But honestly, I just don't know what to do. I have no F-ing clue what I am doing, and I am so sick of getting nailed for trying. I know I don't like how things are. I don't like how things have been. I can't say I have been parenting consistent with my parenting philosophy, and I have no clue if Wife even has an idea how she wants to parent. Well, maybe she has an idea but I seriously doubt that she cares about not being a better parent. I don't think she has a problem with yelling at the Kids. I don't think she has a problem with belittling them. She clearly does not have a problem with bribery or getting them to listen only when a Token is involved. And she is terribly overprotective. And rigid and controlling. And for all her love, she is not very nurturing. She is not very supportive. She thinks the world of Kids, and danger to anyone (including me) who tries to criticize them. But she doesn't really build their esteem very much. Instead she holds them back - doesn't let them try new things and experience successes and failures.
A friend emailed me this evening - we were possibly watching her twins for a night while she and her wife celebrated their anniversary. She declined our offer. (Granted, she got a better offer. Another friend is going to stay at her house so her kids can be in their own beds, etc. But something tells me she shopped for this better solution.) But the truth is, I don't blame her. I don't know how I would feel leaving my kids in our house. That's a pretty bad sign. But what am I going to do about it? Well, as my accupuncturist would say, that is the question you need to sit with until you have the answer. Sitting. Sitting.
No comments:
Post a Comment