Taking the Plunge

I have been debating starting a blog for at least 6 months. I recently started reading a lot of strangers' blogs, and I am mildly addicted. But I really just need to start writing about what I am feeling, what I am stressing about and what insights I have. I talked myself out of this for so long - I don't exactly have anything to say that hasn't been said before, and better - but I finally realized last night, in the hazed euphoria after eating "special cookies," that I need to write for myself. This is my record, my log, my secret place.

But I wonder, can I really remain anonymous? Can I write honestly and openly what I really feel without fear that somebody I care about will read it and be hurt? Can I change the names of all participants, all streets, all restaurants, etc to maintain my cover? I have to believe that nobody is going to search out this blog, and that I can stay secret. (If you happen to be reading this and you are experienced with blogging, please PLEASE let me know if I am making a terrible mistake with this assumption.)

So quick snapshot of my life: Top of mind right now, every second of every day, is the IVF cycle that I am in the middle of. In fact, I have only 1 more injection to go (a big one) and then just 36 hours until my egg retrieval. I am so hopeful and so terrified at the same time. Yes, I want to have a baby and I want to be pregnant - but my marriage is not where I would have chosen it to be. I want to love my wife, but most of the time I find her very mean, insensitive, boring or clueless.

It is the meanness that gets to me most. She is just not nice. And I can't figure out how much is the effects of the multiple hormones I have been injecting into myself for the past 3 weeks, and how much is true. Several months (a year?) ago, I was seriously debating leaving her. We went to therapy (are still in therapy) and things got a ton better. Eventually I got very optimistic that our relationship didn't have to be so bitter and tricky. So I made the decision to stick it out, to continue working on it, to commit to us. Now I question whether it was the right choice to bring another child into the sometimes toxic family.

Yes, I did say another child. We have two kids already, twins - one girl, one boy - who are almost three and a half. They are a handful right now - just about anything sends them into meltdown. If I accidentally bring their juice into the living room for them, tears, whining and crying. If I suggest we go to the store, one gets excited and the other breaks down in tears, whining and crying. Nap time...tears, whining and crying. Driving me insane! I know their former versions, who were incredibly lovable and playable and fun and silly, are in there somewhere, but they have been overrun by cranky, tired, unhelpful beasts. Again, hormones not helping with my patience, so sadly I am angry around them too much. Got to avoid kids for their sake.

Have I mentioned that I am in the middle of IVF? I am having a really hard time concentrating at work - can't get anything done because all I want to do is read things on the Internet about IVF. What chances do I have of this working? Where should all my hormone levels be? Am I having normal body aches or am I getting sick or what is going on with my body? But mostly, will I get pregnant (please) and how many babies will I bring into this world? (And will I be a good mama to this child/these children? etc.)

But speaking of work, I am going to try to get back at it. Maybe more tonight or hopefully tomorrow.