Is it Me?

OK, so I am just an emotional wreck right now and I am so frustrated with Wife, who just seems to leave me hanging all the time. And I can't figure out if it is just me being overly emotional and sensitive or if she is underly emotional and insensitive. Tonight was not a good night for me and the kids. Normal routine includes bath at 7, books at 7:30, in bed by 8 and it is anyone's guess what time kids actually fall asleep while I sit in the room, alternately holding Girl's hand and sitting on the edge of Boy's bed. We do not have good sleepers and we have a whole slew of bad habits that prolong the process (long story that I might go into someday, but probably not - it is what it is). Anyway, Wife has been giving Kids the bath so I get a few minutes of rest between work/dinner and being in the bedroom for at least an hour. Tonight I thought I would be nice and offered to do bath since Wife had a soccer game at 8:50 (who plans a game that late???) for the second day in a row and she was exhausted. Well, bath was what it was, a little more animated than when Wife does it, but they got clean, in pjs, finished books, in bed, and then kids would not go to sleep. At all. They would not stop talking. They would not stop jumping out of bed. They would not even try to lay down. They had no intention of pretending to try to fall asleep, and although I am not proud of it, I lost it. I yelled. I got mad. I made things worse. Finally at 9pm I stepped out of the room to try to settle myself and see if they would possibly calm down and we could start again. Bad idea! Things got more hectic, and it was not pretty. I feel terrible for losing my temper (I had been getting so much better about it) and I am exhausted and honestly, I am still pretty mad at the kids. I am ashamed that I dislike them so much when they don't listen, but that is just the way it is. And right now I am not happy with Kids and I have no desire to see them or have fun with them tomorrow. I know, I need to get over it - they are just doing what is developmentally appropriate or what I am teaching them is acceptable. I should not hold it against them. I just don't know how to get over their little laughing faces when they are knowingly misbehaving. I take it personally. I don't know how not to. So they finally fell asleep at 10pm, and I feel like Crap (with a capital C).

So around 10:30 Wife comes home from game. I am in the living room checking email when she walks in. I ask how her game was (it sucked, they got pummeled), I mention that she looks tired (defeated actually) and she mentions that she is sore. She goes into bedroom. I know she will not ask me how my evening was because she doesn't ask questions like that. The Animals start acting a bit crazy so she comes through the living room to let the Dogs out, while asking me if I have been ignoring them because they are a bit hyper. On her way back, I mention that if by chance the kids wake up early (which they have been doing with a vengeance), they are all hers. I told her I had a tough night and they didn't fall asleep until 10. She says "fine" - literally, "fine" and walks away. Now don't you think this is an opportunity for Wife to be supportive? "I am sorry you had a tough time. Do you want to talk about it?" or even "I am so tired I can't deal with it right now, but that sucks - I hope it is better tomorrow." Something! Seriously, "fine"? But wait, it gets better. Because Wife passes back through a little while later to let Dogs in, and after thinking about it a little more, her response is now "You might want to rethink your bath routine." What a bitch! I had a hard night, and apparently now it is my fault and nope, still no sympathy or empathy. Am I reading too much into this? Is she saying that I fucked it up starting with bath and that I kinda deserve the hard night I had getting the kids to sleep? Because that is kinda shitty.

And here is the real rub. I am so getting close to talking with her about these things - about how I feel and standing up for myself even though I know it will bring an onslaught of her defensiveness and even greater levels of accusations and nastiness. But with these crazy hormones running through me, I don't trust my impressions. Maybe it wasn't that awful. Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I did fuck things up and she is actually being helpful?

How do I learn to trust Who I Am when I don't?