I have been off birth control for 3 days now and I can't believe the world of difference it has made on my outlook. I need to sit down and reflect on how crazy I have been the last few weeks - the emotional roller coaster that hormones have sent me on - just in case I need to go on the pill again (please no!). So here is a letter to me:
Me,
When you are on the Pill, everything seems larger and worse than it is. You have a tendency to snowball events. Your responses are legitimate, but your reactions are exaggerated - you spiral. This is not to say that you are wrong; your feelings are honest and true and very profound. This is to remind you to try, as much as possible, to keep your response contained to what upset you.
For example, last Saturday when Wife put 8 ounces of juice for the Kids when you both agreed to use only 4. Suddenly you knew she was untrustworthy. You doubted her respect for you. You were certain your marriage was doomed and Wife was a raving B. You cried. You were angry for hours. You didn't even talk to her about it because you knew you would blow up. I can tell you, now that I am no longer on the Pill, this does not seem like such a big deal. Maybe she forgot. Maybe she felt because the Kids were sick they needed some extra calories or sugar or both. Maybe she hasn't been respecting the agreement for 4 oz, but even that is ok. Just talk to her about it and try again. From this non-Pill viewpoint, it is about juice - and juice is not that big a deal.
Now if you are in this situation again, I wish you strength and courage. You don't have to discount your feelings and reactions - it is ok to be upset. But try to manage the disappointment and sadness. Take a deep breath and ask yourself if your reaction is doomsday - if so, you are probably overreacting. Follow your own advice tot he Kids and "use your words". In general, not on the Pill, you tend to address situations head-on. Faced with a sudden stressful situation, you collect your energy and zap-zap things like a superhero. You dodge when you have to, attack when necessary. You do not stand victim in the corner. (If you are cowering and playing victim, you are probably being overly dramatic.)
And good luck! It is a phase and you will get through it!
Love,
Me
Friday, October 29, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Sham IVF clinic?
A few days (weeks?) ago I posted that I needed to stop reading other people's blogs and get on with my life. That lasted a few hours? Since then I have gone severely downhill and I may need an intervention. Because what I am finding is freaking me out. Is it possible I am using a sham IVF clinic?
Evidence 1: The rating system my clinic has for embryos, as explained and documented in an earlier post (I would love to learn how to link to it someday). I can't find this 4-rating system with 2 being the best anywhere! Maybe the doc made it up?
Evidence 2: The clinic's preference for a day-2 transfer. Everywhere else I look, especially at the successful IVF situations, uses a day-5 transfer. And when I asked the doc about this, he told me that research shows day-2 transfers are more successful. Not my research!
Evidence 3: The clinic did not give me a picture of my embryos. Granted, I forgot to ask. But when Wife did IVF, she was given a picture of the embryos automatically. Gee!
Evidence 4: The clinic says what you want to hear, but isn't always consistent. OK, maybe this isn't that different in a "real" clinic, but I wanted to vent about it anyway. Seriously, the doctor said it was an easy procedure to extract sperm under anesthesia if the more common donation method didn't show any swimmers. But when we did get some swimmers, doctor changed his tune and praised the fact that we avoided a painful procedure. Just doesn't instill confidence and trust.
Add to this some really fishy stuff about my doctor (the young, nice one) saying he would be out of the office/country for one week, maybe two, because his daughter was playing in a World Cup qualifying tournament for Trinidad and Tobago's women's soccer team. And then he was MIA for two months! A quick look at the Soca website (again, link would be cool) says the dates don't line up.
Finally, and for this I take total responsibility, I selected the clinic based on a radio commercial! I didn't check any of their references. I didn't check any medical degrees or doctor backgrounds. I liked the location (being only 45 minutes away) and the fact that they would see my donor on a Saturday. What a ridiculous reason to choose something that costs over $20,000! (I scoured the Internet for reviews when I bought my toaster - why would I not do that for this???)
So here's where the dilemma comes in. Do I keep asking questions and see what kind of creative answers (aka crap) the clinic spews or do I just shrug it off an move on? I have pre-paid for 2 IVF cycles, and I have no other money. It is not like I have a lot of options. It is just so weird!
Evidence 1: The rating system my clinic has for embryos, as explained and documented in an earlier post (I would love to learn how to link to it someday). I can't find this 4-rating system with 2 being the best anywhere! Maybe the doc made it up?
Evidence 2: The clinic's preference for a day-2 transfer. Everywhere else I look, especially at the successful IVF situations, uses a day-5 transfer. And when I asked the doc about this, he told me that research shows day-2 transfers are more successful. Not my research!
Evidence 3: The clinic did not give me a picture of my embryos. Granted, I forgot to ask. But when Wife did IVF, she was given a picture of the embryos automatically. Gee!
Evidence 4: The clinic says what you want to hear, but isn't always consistent. OK, maybe this isn't that different in a "real" clinic, but I wanted to vent about it anyway. Seriously, the doctor said it was an easy procedure to extract sperm under anesthesia if the more common donation method didn't show any swimmers. But when we did get some swimmers, doctor changed his tune and praised the fact that we avoided a painful procedure. Just doesn't instill confidence and trust.
Add to this some really fishy stuff about my doctor (the young, nice one) saying he would be out of the office/country for one week, maybe two, because his daughter was playing in a World Cup qualifying tournament for Trinidad and Tobago's women's soccer team. And then he was MIA for two months! A quick look at the Soca website (again, link would be cool) says the dates don't line up.
Finally, and for this I take total responsibility, I selected the clinic based on a radio commercial! I didn't check any of their references. I didn't check any medical degrees or doctor backgrounds. I liked the location (being only 45 minutes away) and the fact that they would see my donor on a Saturday. What a ridiculous reason to choose something that costs over $20,000! (I scoured the Internet for reviews when I bought my toaster - why would I not do that for this???)
So here's where the dilemma comes in. Do I keep asking questions and see what kind of creative answers (aka crap) the clinic spews or do I just shrug it off an move on? I have pre-paid for 2 IVF cycles, and I have no other money. It is not like I have a lot of options. It is just so weird!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Random Update
Today I took my last Birth Control Pill -- let's just hope the upcoming embryo transfer is successful so I never have to take birth control again! I am dreading the next stage: Lupron only. During the egg retrieval process, I got the worst headaches on Lupron only. I was so ouchy. I reminded Wife of this yesterday when I let her in on how injections were going and her response was, literally, "Great!" with two thumbs up and cheesy grin. I suppose it could have been worse.
I am trying really hard to be hopeful, but really I am not. At first I thought it was because I was scared to be hopeful, and I would rather be pleasantly surprised than disappointed again. But I don't think that is it - I am truly not hopeful that it will work. What evidence do I have? Only 18 months of trying. Now I know that the first 12 months didn't work because of sperm issues, and the next 6 months consisted entirely of 1 (yes 1!) IVF attempt, so there isn't really a track record here. In fact, there is no evidence to support my feeling that it won't work. So I have to change my thinking. I do believe in the power of the mind on the body. So somehow I need to concentrate on the lack of evidence, on the lack of a reason to think it won't work. It really could work. I mean, it will work?
I scoured the Internet yesterday looking for a blog about a lesbian who got pregnant from a Frozen Embryo Transfer. I spent a little over an hour. I found a lot of interesting blogs that I might look into more later, but no FET success story. Finally I emailed a friend that I knew was pregnant (second child) from IVF, and it reassured me to learn that hers was an FET. So obviously it can happen. (On a side note, I just found out another friend is pregnant. I am trying really hard to be happy for her - I mean, I am happy for her, really excited, but I am trying really hard not to be sad for me at the same time.)
Meanwhile, I continue to lack direction and focus at work or home. And I would really like a few hours to myself. Hmm...I wonder how I can work that in.
I am trying really hard to be hopeful, but really I am not. At first I thought it was because I was scared to be hopeful, and I would rather be pleasantly surprised than disappointed again. But I don't think that is it - I am truly not hopeful that it will work. What evidence do I have? Only 18 months of trying. Now I know that the first 12 months didn't work because of sperm issues, and the next 6 months consisted entirely of 1 (yes 1!) IVF attempt, so there isn't really a track record here. In fact, there is no evidence to support my feeling that it won't work. So I have to change my thinking. I do believe in the power of the mind on the body. So somehow I need to concentrate on the lack of evidence, on the lack of a reason to think it won't work. It really could work. I mean, it will work?
I scoured the Internet yesterday looking for a blog about a lesbian who got pregnant from a Frozen Embryo Transfer. I spent a little over an hour. I found a lot of interesting blogs that I might look into more later, but no FET success story. Finally I emailed a friend that I knew was pregnant (second child) from IVF, and it reassured me to learn that hers was an FET. So obviously it can happen. (On a side note, I just found out another friend is pregnant. I am trying really hard to be happy for her - I mean, I am happy for her, really excited, but I am trying really hard not to be sad for me at the same time.)
Meanwhile, I continue to lack direction and focus at work or home. And I would really like a few hours to myself. Hmm...I wonder how I can work that in.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Can I Let it Go?
A few days ago (two days ago to be exact) I tried to make the resolve to be happy. To recognize that I have a lot to be happy about, and I can focus on that rather than dwell on what is not going well or worse yet, what might not go well.
It is amazing how a morning with two dogs, two cats and two 3.5 year olds can sap that resolve right out of you. Instead I have spent the morning wondering how I got in this situation. (I should have gotten rid of the demanding, farting, barfing animals years ago.) And will my children always be this whiny? Why do they break down and cry so much? Am I doing something wrong? Did I make a bad choice letting Wife stay home and take care of them? Because she is not the brightest bulb, so it is no surprise that they are not the smartest children. I get all wrapped up -- they are still young and they don't need to know their letters or sounds or even their numbers (which they used to know but don't anymore) yet. What they need is a desire to learn -- which I am not sure they have. OK, they don't even need that. They can be less-smart children and do fine. It is just harder that way. But seriously, how can I expect them to flourish with someone who didn't know New Jersey was a state, who doesn't know the colors in a rainbow and can't remember if the time change to Chicago is "up" or "down" even though we go there at least once a year and often more. BUT! There are smart people who come from less-than-inspiring parents all the time, and the reverse is true too --- so why am I stressing about this???
I know it is ridiculous. I know there is nothing I want to do about it (I don't believe in shoving learning down kids' throats). Can I just let it go? I am going to blame this freak-out on the Pill and Lupron. Woo hoo!
It is amazing how a morning with two dogs, two cats and two 3.5 year olds can sap that resolve right out of you. Instead I have spent the morning wondering how I got in this situation. (I should have gotten rid of the demanding, farting, barfing animals years ago.) And will my children always be this whiny? Why do they break down and cry so much? Am I doing something wrong? Did I make a bad choice letting Wife stay home and take care of them? Because she is not the brightest bulb, so it is no surprise that they are not the smartest children. I get all wrapped up -- they are still young and they don't need to know their letters or sounds or even their numbers (which they used to know but don't anymore) yet. What they need is a desire to learn -- which I am not sure they have. OK, they don't even need that. They can be less-smart children and do fine. It is just harder that way. But seriously, how can I expect them to flourish with someone who didn't know New Jersey was a state, who doesn't know the colors in a rainbow and can't remember if the time change to Chicago is "up" or "down" even though we go there at least once a year and often more. BUT! There are smart people who come from less-than-inspiring parents all the time, and the reverse is true too --- so why am I stressing about this???
I know it is ridiculous. I know there is nothing I want to do about it (I don't believe in shoving learning down kids' throats). Can I just let it go? I am going to blame this freak-out on the Pill and Lupron. Woo hoo!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Long Story Short
Illness has been kicking my butt. I have no voice, I have a huge headache and every-so-often snot runs willy-nilly out of my nose. It is not pretty. Add to this two sick Kids and one sick Wife and it might be clearer why I am disturbed. I can't sleep. I can't stay awake.
Yet there is so much to report. I just can't tell if I should give the glowing "everything is great blog" version or the "woe is me blog" version. Hmmm...I'll try to just stick to the facts.
Wife ran the Nike Women's Marathon last weekend. She went to San Francisco on Friday, and I spent my first night solo with the Kids. Isn't that funny - I have never been alone with them overnight. Wife has only left them for 2 nights in 3 years, ad both were only to spend time alone with me. Well, nothing exciting happened. I was already sick so I didn't even get to have fun. I just fed and bathed the Kids, put them to bed and went to sleep myself. Ho hum. (Guess it is better than some scary or sad story, so I will take it. But I did spend a bit of time walking up and down the hall thinking "Is this it? Did I forget something?" It seemed kinda easy...)
The next morning Kids and I went to San Francisco and the drive was very educational for Boy, who learned the when you pass a car on his side, they are in the Wrong Lane. He was in a maniacal "why" mode -
Me: You were born in San Francisco.
Boy: Why?
Me: We used to live in San Francisco.
Boy: Why?
Me: We are almost there.
Boy: Why?
Me: Is anyone hungry?
Boy: Why?
It was driving me insane! Not to be outdone, Girl was in rampant "are we there yet" mode. She got smart to the "Does it look like we are there yet?" response by saying "Yes, I see the hotel - Mom, why aren't you stopping?" and then tears. Kids were sick too, so nobody had too much fun on the drive. Still, could have been worse. Only 1 potty stop!
So we all (Me, Kids and Mother-in-Law) stayed with Wife in the city for the weekend. At the onset, we did not know how many germs had traveled with us, intent on keeping us up all night, but we jammed into the hotel room and made it a party. It was actually really fun to be back in the city. It felt good to know my way around and feel like I was at my home -- it was in contrast to Wife's friends from home who seemed like Fish-out-of-water and Wife who was cranky about it. (She always hated downtown.)
On Saturday we went to a pre-run dinner where Boy fell asleep due to lack of nap and fever, while Girl was alternately hyper/smiley and crashing/whiney. I took both Kids (in stroller) to the back while Wife and MIL got motivated. It was kinda funny to be in the back with all the dads watching the kids go crazy. We got good sleep from 11 - 2, then it was lots of coughing, crying, peeing until Wife got up at 3:50 to get ready for her race. She left at 4:30 and I was hoping for more sleep but was thwarted by wet pull-up at 5:15 and awake Kid at 6:25. Soon we were all awake for the day.
I made sure everyone had instructions before heading out to see Wife on her journey. I saw her briefly at mile 14, from across the street at a red light as she passed through the park. She was running and looking good. I was pissed it took me so long to find parking that I'd missed her. So I drove on and after a bit of a struggle, found another spot not too far from mile 17. I stood in the rain waiting for her, dreading that she had already passed me. As I waited, the time when she definitely should have made mile 17, based on when she was at 14, passed. Then a little more time passed. Sure, it had started raining pretty hard but Wife was definitely slowing down.
Eventually she made it to mile 17 (and I say eventually not because she was slow, but because I was cold and worried - she did an amazing job!) and I asked if she wanted me to run a bot with her. Her face lit up, so I did. I had planned all these things to say to her to keep her on track, focused and not mad at me. And it worked! I have always felt that if Wife's labor had gone past a few hours, I would have died. I felt so useless beside her laboring. I would tell to to "Just breathe" and she would give me this look like "don't say another f-ing thing, I am ready to beat you Woman!" and then I would be quiet and the nurse would look at me like "Do something - are you a sack of potatoes?" Wife was simply miserable and I was quite ineffective in helping her. Not so at the marathon. I distracted her. I motivated her. I stuck with her for 9.2 miles and helped her finish in time to get the Necklace - the prize for finishing within 8 hours. Yes, that is right. Wife ran for 7 hours and 55 minutes. She was very tired at the end and hurting Big Time, but she did it. And I helped her. That feels great!
But I do have to point out that I am a bit impressed at myself too. I have not exercised in at least 6 months - and by exercise I mean do anything! I have been to the gym MAYBE 20 times in the past 5 years. Yes, it has been that long. I used to play soccer. But after 5 ACL injuries and 10 knee surgeries, I don't do any of that anymore. And yet I ran 9 miles. Sure I am a little sore, but I wasn't even that tired. I know I could have done a half marathon - with no training. Is that weird? Can most people do it but they don't know it? Sure, we weren't going that fast either. But distance is distance, right? OK, I am proud of myself.
But back to the weekend. Because that afternoon, I ramped up to SuperMom status by bringing Kids and MIL back to hotel (Wife took shuttle) and then going out to get lunch for everyone - then taking care of Kids while Wife and MIL rested, making sure MIL had everything organized to take care of Kids while I took Wife to post-run party, where she drank so much she doesn't remember getting back to the hotel. (So sad that we had nice snuggly moments on the walk back that she will never remember....) And I pulled night duty taking care of crying, peeing Kids again. And next morning I took care of Kids and packed while Wife and MIL stayed in bed. So it really is no wonder that I lost SuperMom status due to excessive crankiness just before leaving the city to return to work. With laryngitis. And a fever.
And that is how the last 2 days have been, except that I get to start Lupron injections tomorrow morning for the FET the day before Thanksgiving. So over a month on Lupron - no thrills for anyone there. But really what I have been trying to say this whole post is that I deserve for this to work. It is Wife's turn to take care of me. I am a busy women with a good heart, and I am ready to be pregnant for a while. Thanks.
Yet there is so much to report. I just can't tell if I should give the glowing "everything is great blog" version or the "woe is me blog" version. Hmmm...I'll try to just stick to the facts.
Wife ran the Nike Women's Marathon last weekend. She went to San Francisco on Friday, and I spent my first night solo with the Kids. Isn't that funny - I have never been alone with them overnight. Wife has only left them for 2 nights in 3 years, ad both were only to spend time alone with me. Well, nothing exciting happened. I was already sick so I didn't even get to have fun. I just fed and bathed the Kids, put them to bed and went to sleep myself. Ho hum. (Guess it is better than some scary or sad story, so I will take it. But I did spend a bit of time walking up and down the hall thinking "Is this it? Did I forget something?" It seemed kinda easy...)
The next morning Kids and I went to San Francisco and the drive was very educational for Boy, who learned the when you pass a car on his side, they are in the Wrong Lane. He was in a maniacal "why" mode -
Me: You were born in San Francisco.
Boy: Why?
Me: We used to live in San Francisco.
Boy: Why?
Me: We are almost there.
Boy: Why?
Me: Is anyone hungry?
Boy: Why?
It was driving me insane! Not to be outdone, Girl was in rampant "are we there yet" mode. She got smart to the "Does it look like we are there yet?" response by saying "Yes, I see the hotel - Mom, why aren't you stopping?" and then tears. Kids were sick too, so nobody had too much fun on the drive. Still, could have been worse. Only 1 potty stop!
So we all (Me, Kids and Mother-in-Law) stayed with Wife in the city for the weekend. At the onset, we did not know how many germs had traveled with us, intent on keeping us up all night, but we jammed into the hotel room and made it a party. It was actually really fun to be back in the city. It felt good to know my way around and feel like I was at my home -- it was in contrast to Wife's friends from home who seemed like Fish-out-of-water and Wife who was cranky about it. (She always hated downtown.)
On Saturday we went to a pre-run dinner where Boy fell asleep due to lack of nap and fever, while Girl was alternately hyper/smiley and crashing/whiney. I took both Kids (in stroller) to the back while Wife and MIL got motivated. It was kinda funny to be in the back with all the dads watching the kids go crazy. We got good sleep from 11 - 2, then it was lots of coughing, crying, peeing until Wife got up at 3:50 to get ready for her race. She left at 4:30 and I was hoping for more sleep but was thwarted by wet pull-up at 5:15 and awake Kid at 6:25. Soon we were all awake for the day.
I made sure everyone had instructions before heading out to see Wife on her journey. I saw her briefly at mile 14, from across the street at a red light as she passed through the park. She was running and looking good. I was pissed it took me so long to find parking that I'd missed her. So I drove on and after a bit of a struggle, found another spot not too far from mile 17. I stood in the rain waiting for her, dreading that she had already passed me. As I waited, the time when she definitely should have made mile 17, based on when she was at 14, passed. Then a little more time passed. Sure, it had started raining pretty hard but Wife was definitely slowing down.
Eventually she made it to mile 17 (and I say eventually not because she was slow, but because I was cold and worried - she did an amazing job!) and I asked if she wanted me to run a bot with her. Her face lit up, so I did. I had planned all these things to say to her to keep her on track, focused and not mad at me. And it worked! I have always felt that if Wife's labor had gone past a few hours, I would have died. I felt so useless beside her laboring. I would tell to to "Just breathe" and she would give me this look like "don't say another f-ing thing, I am ready to beat you Woman!" and then I would be quiet and the nurse would look at me like "Do something - are you a sack of potatoes?" Wife was simply miserable and I was quite ineffective in helping her. Not so at the marathon. I distracted her. I motivated her. I stuck with her for 9.2 miles and helped her finish in time to get the Necklace - the prize for finishing within 8 hours. Yes, that is right. Wife ran for 7 hours and 55 minutes. She was very tired at the end and hurting Big Time, but she did it. And I helped her. That feels great!
But I do have to point out that I am a bit impressed at myself too. I have not exercised in at least 6 months - and by exercise I mean do anything! I have been to the gym MAYBE 20 times in the past 5 years. Yes, it has been that long. I used to play soccer. But after 5 ACL injuries and 10 knee surgeries, I don't do any of that anymore. And yet I ran 9 miles. Sure I am a little sore, but I wasn't even that tired. I know I could have done a half marathon - with no training. Is that weird? Can most people do it but they don't know it? Sure, we weren't going that fast either. But distance is distance, right? OK, I am proud of myself.
But back to the weekend. Because that afternoon, I ramped up to SuperMom status by bringing Kids and MIL back to hotel (Wife took shuttle) and then going out to get lunch for everyone - then taking care of Kids while Wife and MIL rested, making sure MIL had everything organized to take care of Kids while I took Wife to post-run party, where she drank so much she doesn't remember getting back to the hotel. (So sad that we had nice snuggly moments on the walk back that she will never remember....) And I pulled night duty taking care of crying, peeing Kids again. And next morning I took care of Kids and packed while Wife and MIL stayed in bed. So it really is no wonder that I lost SuperMom status due to excessive crankiness just before leaving the city to return to work. With laryngitis. And a fever.
And that is how the last 2 days have been, except that I get to start Lupron injections tomorrow morning for the FET the day before Thanksgiving. So over a month on Lupron - no thrills for anyone there. But really what I have been trying to say this whole post is that I deserve for this to work. It is Wife's turn to take care of me. I am a busy women with a good heart, and I am ready to be pregnant for a while. Thanks.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
On the Road to Something Good
I am forcing myself to write today although I don't "feel" the need. I am actually resistant to writing. I had bad news on the baby-front. They weren't going to let me do the Frozen Embryo Transfer until December 9 - and that is just too far away! So I complained and just today found out they can move me up to November 24. Still a ways away but overall makes me happier. Man I hope it works this time.
So I am back on The Pill, which means cranky Me. Moody Me. Not Fun Me. But on the road to something good, I hope.
Not much more to report. I blame it on The Pill.
So I am back on The Pill, which means cranky Me. Moody Me. Not Fun Me. But on the road to something good, I hope.
Not much more to report. I blame it on The Pill.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Snap Out of It!
Have you ever been so cranky it scares you? You know that you are going to be impatient and short with the next person who speaks to you? And you don't know how to get over it? That is me right now.
I have to get it together. I am in serious need of a break - from work, from my family, from responsibility. Is it ok to say I need a break from my family? I am so busy doing what I need to do or have to do that I am not able to enjoy anything. And this is a problem. I need to step off for a moment so I can figure out what I want to do - and I can't figure out how to take the time I need to do this. I feel as though I am spinning, and it is getting faster and faster, and I know that soon I am going to fly off and that it will not be pretty. Who knows where I am going to land and how much it will hurt. Do I just jump now, before I start going even faster? Or do I just hold on and hope that eventually "the ride" ends on its own?
I have been reading a lot of other blogs, mostly parents of twins, and I think I need to stop for 2 reasons: (1) I need the time to focus on my life rather, and (2) reading them makes me feel less by comparison. Seriously, how can a mom of twins plus 1, all under 3, have time to make a wonderful anniversary video on top of Positive Discipline and Equally Shared Parenting? Today is Wife's birthday, and I know I dropped the ball on the celebration. My gift was impersonal (she would have wanted a photo collage or movie - both ideas I started but failed to finish), my card bland (I just don't have the love for her flowing right now), the cake icky (I accidentally bought the sugar free mix) and the activity non-existent (I wanted to take her zip-lining but waited too long to make reservations so the tours are all sold out). I am such a lame and terrible Wife!
I have a list of other "family responsibility" items I need to do and I just keep adding to it - at some point I am going to actually have to do them. But I don't have the energy. I don't have the motivation. I am so blah! Really need to snap out of it!
So here is my action plan:
(1) Pick 3 things from my To Do list to accomplish THIS AFTERNOON.
(2) Find birthday weekend activity and purchase tickets (and this doesn't count as something from To Do list).
(3) Think of one more fun and personal birthday gift to bring home to Wife.
(4) Take 20 minutes before going home to have a short "me" time.
I have to get it together. I am in serious need of a break - from work, from my family, from responsibility. Is it ok to say I need a break from my family? I am so busy doing what I need to do or have to do that I am not able to enjoy anything. And this is a problem. I need to step off for a moment so I can figure out what I want to do - and I can't figure out how to take the time I need to do this. I feel as though I am spinning, and it is getting faster and faster, and I know that soon I am going to fly off and that it will not be pretty. Who knows where I am going to land and how much it will hurt. Do I just jump now, before I start going even faster? Or do I just hold on and hope that eventually "the ride" ends on its own?
I have been reading a lot of other blogs, mostly parents of twins, and I think I need to stop for 2 reasons: (1) I need the time to focus on my life rather, and (2) reading them makes me feel less by comparison. Seriously, how can a mom of twins plus 1, all under 3, have time to make a wonderful anniversary video on top of Positive Discipline and Equally Shared Parenting? Today is Wife's birthday, and I know I dropped the ball on the celebration. My gift was impersonal (she would have wanted a photo collage or movie - both ideas I started but failed to finish), my card bland (I just don't have the love for her flowing right now), the cake icky (I accidentally bought the sugar free mix) and the activity non-existent (I wanted to take her zip-lining but waited too long to make reservations so the tours are all sold out). I am such a lame and terrible Wife!
I have a list of other "family responsibility" items I need to do and I just keep adding to it - at some point I am going to actually have to do them. But I don't have the energy. I don't have the motivation. I am so blah! Really need to snap out of it!
So here is my action plan:
(1) Pick 3 things from my To Do list to accomplish THIS AFTERNOON.
(2) Find birthday weekend activity and purchase tickets (and this doesn't count as something from To Do list).
(3) Think of one more fun and personal birthday gift to bring home to Wife.
(4) Take 20 minutes before going home to have a short "me" time.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Mixed Bag
First off, I want to say that I am actually really proud of how well I am coping. Of course I know that finding out one is not pregnant is not the end of the world. There are SOO many worse things. But I tend to be pretty depressive, and I thought I would be quite bad off if this thing happened. Which it did. And I am ok.
I guess that is what karma is about - teaching you the lesson you needed to learn. That I can be just fine even upon this big disappointment. That it isn't the end of the world. And we will just try again next month.
Aha! So there is the rub. I was caught off-guard by another disappointing sock in the gut this morning, after getting Aunt Flo (with an souped-up over-hormone vengeance) when I called the IVF clinic. Last Friday, when they gave me the news that the test was negative, I asked when we could try again with the frozen embryos (aka my future babies - yes, I said babies. I think it is just better to go with that thought now, but I digress...) Anyway, the doctor said we could tr right away, there was no need to wait, I should call as soon as I got my period.
So for some reason, I got in my head the idea that we could try again in 2 weeks - at the time I would ovulate. Sure, thinking about it now, that assumption does seem pretty silly. Why do I need to ovulate? We are putting already fertilized embryos into me. We don't need to match my cycle - of course! I can say this now! But it really came as a bit of a shock this morning when I found out that they will "write up a calendar" to prepare for a transfer in 6-8 weeks. 6-8 weeks? That sucks! I really thought I would have another chance in 2 weeks. Now I have to start birth control pills (BCP) and then the Lupron and then who knows what else. I am so bummed about this!
Well, I read that some people do "natural" Frozen Embryo Transfers (FET) without the BCP and shots - just wait until your body is ovulating so that your uterus is doing what is would naturally to get ready for the embryo. I really like this idea. I am seriously considering talking to the clinic to see if it is a possibility. Part of my worries about "wasting" the precious embryos - if I only have 8 should I prep and prime myself as much as possible (that is, using lots of drugs), or should I put faith in my body to do what it needs to do on its own? I want to trust my body to have everything that it needs. But (and this is actually a big BUT) there is a high probability that my body would be naturally ovulating on the day or weekend of Wife's marathon that she has been training for for over 2 months. So maybe I go the druggie route. Oooh, I am so not looking forward to the Lupron. And it means we could be in December before I get to try again. Crap!
I guess that is what karma is about - teaching you the lesson you needed to learn. That I can be just fine even upon this big disappointment. That it isn't the end of the world. And we will just try again next month.
Aha! So there is the rub. I was caught off-guard by another disappointing sock in the gut this morning, after getting Aunt Flo (with an souped-up over-hormone vengeance) when I called the IVF clinic. Last Friday, when they gave me the news that the test was negative, I asked when we could try again with the frozen embryos (aka my future babies - yes, I said babies. I think it is just better to go with that thought now, but I digress...) Anyway, the doctor said we could tr right away, there was no need to wait, I should call as soon as I got my period.
So for some reason, I got in my head the idea that we could try again in 2 weeks - at the time I would ovulate. Sure, thinking about it now, that assumption does seem pretty silly. Why do I need to ovulate? We are putting already fertilized embryos into me. We don't need to match my cycle - of course! I can say this now! But it really came as a bit of a shock this morning when I found out that they will "write up a calendar" to prepare for a transfer in 6-8 weeks. 6-8 weeks? That sucks! I really thought I would have another chance in 2 weeks. Now I have to start birth control pills (BCP) and then the Lupron and then who knows what else. I am so bummed about this!
Well, I read that some people do "natural" Frozen Embryo Transfers (FET) without the BCP and shots - just wait until your body is ovulating so that your uterus is doing what is would naturally to get ready for the embryo. I really like this idea. I am seriously considering talking to the clinic to see if it is a possibility. Part of my worries about "wasting" the precious embryos - if I only have 8 should I prep and prime myself as much as possible (that is, using lots of drugs), or should I put faith in my body to do what it needs to do on its own? I want to trust my body to have everything that it needs. But (and this is actually a big BUT) there is a high probability that my body would be naturally ovulating on the day or weekend of Wife's marathon that she has been training for for over 2 months. So maybe I go the druggie route. Oooh, I am so not looking forward to the Lupron. And it means we could be in December before I get to try again. Crap!
Friday, October 1, 2010
No Dice
It was negative.
It was negative.
(It still doesn't look right!)
I can't believe I wasted an open bar at my friend's wedding last weekend. I can't believe these things I am feeling are just PMS. This sucks! Urgh - all the phone calls I have to make. Maybe an email will do. What a crapper!
Later that day....
I am still processing, sad but trying not to let it get to me too much. Really thinking I need to refocus on my life (especially professionally), which I have been not exactly ignoring but not really paying attention to either. But I thought I would just capture the random thoughts that are floating in my head, so maybe I can get them out of there?
1- Should go I have a cup of coffee? What would caffeine do to me after not having a drip of it for almost 3 weeks. And in my fragile emotional state, will it make me too jittery and flighty? Should I just have a smoke instead? It has been WAY longer for that and it is certain to make me jittery and buzzed.
2- I just got this image of my future child or children in the freezer at the IVF clinic. They are on ice waiting for me to be ready. If anyone in the uni-sphere can please tell me when that would be, I would greatly appreciate it.
3 - I made the right choice with the 2-cycle pre-pay plan, so the next two (or so) tries with the frozen embryos not only won't cost anything, they are actually going to be putting more money in my pocket as I am able to submit more charges to insurance for reimbursement. So now it is like I am going to be paid to get pregnant. (Gotta love how insurance works!)
It was negative.
(It still doesn't look right!)
I can't believe I wasted an open bar at my friend's wedding last weekend. I can't believe these things I am feeling are just PMS. This sucks! Urgh - all the phone calls I have to make. Maybe an email will do. What a crapper!
Later that day....
I am still processing, sad but trying not to let it get to me too much. Really thinking I need to refocus on my life (especially professionally), which I have been not exactly ignoring but not really paying attention to either. But I thought I would just capture the random thoughts that are floating in my head, so maybe I can get them out of there?
1- Should go I have a cup of coffee? What would caffeine do to me after not having a drip of it for almost 3 weeks. And in my fragile emotional state, will it make me too jittery and flighty? Should I just have a smoke instead? It has been WAY longer for that and it is certain to make me jittery and buzzed.
2- I just got this image of my future child or children in the freezer at the IVF clinic. They are on ice waiting for me to be ready. If anyone in the uni-sphere can please tell me when that would be, I would greatly appreciate it.
3 - I made the right choice with the 2-cycle pre-pay plan, so the next two (or so) tries with the frozen embryos not only won't cost anything, they are actually going to be putting more money in my pocket as I am able to submit more charges to insurance for reimbursement. So now it is like I am going to be paid to get pregnant. (Gotta love how insurance works!)
Just a Thin Thread of Hope Left
Wednesday night: Peed on a Stock (POAS) - negative
Thursday night: POAS - negative
Friday morning: POAS - negative
So why do I still feel as though I am pregnant?
Well, it will be over in less than 3 hours. I had the blood drawn at 8. The nurse made it seem unlikely to be positive. And yet I maintain that thin little thread of hope. Wife holds tightly to the idea. She won't even entertain the idea that I might not be pregnant. Says I have been acting different (spacey, etc) and is oblivious to the idea that I be spacey because I am distracted about the idea of being (or not being) pregnant, but whatever - she always has her own ideas. It is actually one of the reasons I am (was?) attracted to her. In any event, a part of me is already mourning.
I was really looking forward to the beautiful symmetry of a pregnancy now. Boy and Girl were conceived via IVF the same week 4 years ago. And this would make a lovely June birthday. If I am not pregnant, I need to take a month off to allow my body to rest from the hormones. So now we are looking at an August birthday. Up through October is ok. But I think kids born in November or December, even early January, get shafted. October is tough for school - either the oldest or the youngest.
I suppose no matter what the news, either way, the call is going to bring me some relief so that at least I know and I don't have to wonder any more. It's too bad I am not busier at work to take my mind off of things. Instead I get to pull at, unravel, grasp onto that last thin thread.
Thursday night: POAS - negative
Friday morning: POAS - negative
So why do I still feel as though I am pregnant?
Well, it will be over in less than 3 hours. I had the blood drawn at 8. The nurse made it seem unlikely to be positive. And yet I maintain that thin little thread of hope. Wife holds tightly to the idea. She won't even entertain the idea that I might not be pregnant. Says I have been acting different (spacey, etc) and is oblivious to the idea that I be spacey because I am distracted about the idea of being (or not being) pregnant, but whatever - she always has her own ideas. It is actually one of the reasons I am (was?) attracted to her. In any event, a part of me is already mourning.
I was really looking forward to the beautiful symmetry of a pregnancy now. Boy and Girl were conceived via IVF the same week 4 years ago. And this would make a lovely June birthday. If I am not pregnant, I need to take a month off to allow my body to rest from the hormones. So now we are looking at an August birthday. Up through October is ok. But I think kids born in November or December, even early January, get shafted. October is tough for school - either the oldest or the youngest.
I suppose no matter what the news, either way, the call is going to bring me some relief so that at least I know and I don't have to wonder any more. It's too bad I am not busier at work to take my mind off of things. Instead I get to pull at, unravel, grasp onto that last thin thread.
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