No Dice

It was negative.
It was negative.
(It still doesn't look right!)

I can't believe I wasted an open bar at my friend's wedding last weekend. I can't believe these things I am feeling are just PMS. This sucks! Urgh - all the phone calls I have to make. Maybe an email will do. What a crapper!

Later that day....
I am still processing, sad but trying not to let it get to me too much. Really thinking I need to refocus on my life (especially professionally), which I have been not exactly ignoring but not really paying attention to either. But I thought I would just capture the random thoughts that are floating in my head, so maybe I can get them out of there?
1- Should go I have a cup of coffee? What would caffeine do to me after not having a drip of it for almost 3 weeks. And in my fragile emotional state, will it make me too jittery and flighty? Should I just have a smoke instead? It has been WAY longer for that and it is certain to make me jittery and buzzed.
2- I just got this image of my future child or children in the freezer at the IVF clinic. They are on ice waiting for me to be ready. If anyone in the uni-sphere can please tell me when that would be, I would greatly appreciate it.
3 - I made the right choice with the 2-cycle pre-pay plan, so the next two (or so) tries with the frozen embryos not only won't cost anything, they are actually going to be putting more money in my pocket as I am able to submit more charges to insurance for reimbursement. So now it is like I am going to be paid to get pregnant. (Gotta love how insurance works!)

IVF Update: Egg Transfer

I am so proud of my little embryos! We went to the doctor this morning for Transfer and Dr. Personality actually turned into Dr. Niceguy. He was surprised but full of support and even cracking a few jokes. So he started off by saying that we overcame two major obstacles (little reaction to stimulation and poor sperm quality) but he is very impressed with the results. Of the 10 eggs that fertilized, all 10 are at 4 cells now. (It is normal to lose a few or have a few delayed.) Also, the embryologist rates each embryo on a scale of 1-4. A 4 never results in a pregnancy. A 1 rarely does, so a 2 or 3 is good, with a 2 being better than a 3. Of my 10, seven got a rating of 2 and three have a rating of 3. Woo hoo! And then there is another issue (I can't remember exactly what is is called but I think it might have been fracturing )- where little bits float off and kinda mill around. The goal is less than 10% floating, and all 10 of mine had 0% floating. Again, woo hoo! I am so proud of my little embryos!

So then Dr. Niceguy gave us the numbers. We easily took 1 and 4 embryos off the table. Too low and too high. If we transfer 2, we have a 38% chance of a pregnancy. Eeks - that doesn't seem too high. But we have less than 1% chance of triplets. If we transfer 3 embryos, we have a 60% chance of getting pregnant (better!) but a 35% chance of triplets. Yikes! It is weird how 38% chance of something you want seems low but 35% chance of something you don't want seems high. Math is so much more than simply numbers!

So we went with 2. 2 beautiful, wonderful embryos sitting in my cozy uterus, just embarking on implantation. Now we have to wait two weeks (two weeks!!!) for the blood work to see if I am pregnant or not. I am so not good with waiting.

On the homefront, Wife has been super easy to be around, and she has also been really nice to take over some of the things I usually do, such as put the kiddos to bed at night. Such a relief not to have to deal with that right now. I slept most of the afternoon and she was totally ok with that. Kids have been great at not jumping on my and taking it way around me too. I forgot to mention that we decorated my tummy this morning before going in for the transfer. Wife and Kids each put their hands on my stomach just over my uterus and Wife made outlines in Sharpee. Then they each colored them in. We told the kids about how we were going to the doctor to try to make a baby and that this way the baby will know that Big Brother and Bog Sister are excited to have a baby. Kids loved it. When I got home first thing The Boy asked was if I had a baby in my tummy. Man I hope so!

IVF Update: Fertilization

Despite the odds, and in spite of Dr. Personality's diagnosis of less-than-good sperm, 10 of my 14 eggs fertilized. Woo hoo! So now we will likely have several extra to put on ice after tomorrow's transfer. That's right, transfer is tomorrow. It seems so soon. I originally thought it would be Sunday, and we had childcare all lines up and plans to go to the County Fair, etc. But plans change and this would be so exciting if it weren't so scary.

I went to the accupuncturist today for a final tune up/tune in and I feel very in touch with my fertile side. My uterus is glowing green and gold, ready for embryos to find a safe and cozy home, to nuzzle in and grow into little fetuses. Eeks - I can't seem to get away from thinking in plural. I am 85% sure I want just one baby. But when it comes down to it, I want 2 babies much more than I want none, so I just don't know how much to risk it. The big question will be how many embryos to transfer. I just don't know! I am hoping the embryologist can give me some good mathematical percentages that I can grasp onto - I would like to transfer as many as it takes to have a 60% chance of pregnancy. Rather, how many would it take to have no more than 100% total. For example (and I am making these numbers completely up), if I transfer 1 there is a 35% chance of pregnancy and 0% chance of twins. If I transfer 2 there is a 50% chance of pregnancy and a 20% chance of twins. (50 + 20 <100 = Not high enough). If I transfer 3 there is a 65% chance of pregnancy, a 35% chance of twins and a 10% chance of triplets (65 + 35 + 10 > 100 = too high). But hopefully the numbers will be different and I can get something in the 80s or 90s. That's the goal.

Meanwhile, things on the home front are much better. I am feeling nicer toward Wife and I really appreciate how I was able to sleep all day yesterday. I am not getting frustrated and inpatient with Kids because I slept all day yesterday. So if I can just sleep for the next few weeks I think we will all be good.

And shout out to the ethos - please wish me luck tomorrow!

IVF Update: Egg Retrieval

So I meant to blog yesterday but I was simply too drugged out. I had my egg retrieval, which was SO much better than I thought it would be. I took my Valium like a good girl and was pleasantly "dulled" when I got into the office. Getting the IV sucked - two pricks before it worked - but seriously, that was the worst part. The doctor came in, not my regular doctor who is out of town, but Mr. Personality who told me my right ovary was a dud. Anyway, I liked him better this time because he gave me serious numbing drugs and I was a silly mess. I don't remember what garbage I was talking about - but I am pretty sure none of it made sense. They gave me some local anesthesia shots on my ovaries (I think - remember, very drugged out) which were like little pinches but not too bad. Then they put what I later learned was a BIG ASS NEEDLE up my cooch and started sucking out eggs. You could see the needle poke into the little follicles and shrink them up. Slurp slurp several times and then they were done. Well, there was some "clean up" which I really didn't want to think about bleeding and suck, so I ignored that part. Meanwhile I just hope they are staring at my vagina and not my flaming hemorrhoids.
So doctor does a count and says he expects about 5 eggs to be mature, and anything above that is gravy. But he will be back in about 20 minutes to tell us the count. So we wait. And about 20 minutes later Dr. Personality comes back and says, "I don't know where they came from, but we got 14 eggs." Holy crap! That is pretty exciting news! So with the help of the nurse, I slowly get up, put my clothes back on and even though they tell me not to eat anything until we get home, and to avoid fatty foods for the rest of the day, Wife and I go to Jack in the Box. I mean seriously, I need some fat, warm food in me.
I then go home and sleep for hours. Pretty good sleep too.