POAS is Evil, Evil, Evil

Yesterday's stick: positive
Today's stick: uncertain

When I peed, nothing showed up (whereas yesterday a very faint line showed up almost immediately). It was a "rapid response" version that is supposed to show results in 1 minute. Today, one minute after peeing, nothing showed up. But just as I was leaving for the clinic to have official blood work done, I showed the stick to Wife. And there was this faint little line. Wife couldn't see it, but I have seen enough of these online to know that there was the faintest of little lines there. So does this mean an ending to a chemical pregnancy? a crappy stick? pee-er error? Well, the clinic should call in a few hours. Any bets on whether I will get any actual work done in the meantime?

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Fortunately I didn't have to wait long...

I Saw Two Lines - the rest is a blur

This morning I couldn't wait any longer and I did it: I POAS....and I got two lines! Of course the line I care about is pretty faint, but there is no doubt that it is there. I am so cautiously excited, a little in shock, a tad bit scared and a pinch of festive. Of course I told Wife immediately, even though it was 4:45 am. (She tried to go back to sleep, but couldn't. I had to take my mom to the airport and act as though nothing were different. But it was. I mean, it is.) I texted my sister, who sent a very excited text back. I called my brother, who was also super-excited. Of course I told both it wasn't official yet. And Wife doesn't think I should tell anyone else. I don't think that is going to happen though. I know it is the prudent thing, but everyone knows I have been trying and that Monday (as in tomorrow) I go in for bloodwork. So what is the harm in telling them today? If I say I got a positive HPT and tomorrow it turns out I am not pregnant, then my friends/close family should know why I am suddenly a raving crazy beatch.  But could that really happen? Do HPTs show false positives or chemicals? Shouldn't I just feel good that I got a positive and go with that? It's not like I am telling my boss or anything...

But here's the gist of my dilemma: I am going to a party this afternoon with 3 families. Of the three, I started "trying" first. Then Granola-mom started trying for her second and after that Soccer-Chick-friend started trying. Well, Soccer-chick-friend is now 8 weeks pregnant. If the HPT is to be trusted, I suppose I am about 4 weeks pregnant (oh my God!). And I am just not sure how Granola-mom is because technically she isn't even my friend; I only know her through Soccer-chick-friend. But if this has been really hard on her, or if she received bad news recently, etc. I would feel really bad blindsiding her with my happiness. Wife says this is ridiculous and I need to worry less about other people. I do agree with her to a point. I realized how "off" I am when I wondered about posting about the positive HPT on this blog - on my blog. Really, I worried about all the women who's blogs I follow that haven't been doing well or getting good news, and I felt guilty for my good news. I know this is messed up. I don't know these women. I don't even know if any of these women read my blog, which was intended to be an online journal for me anyway. And yet I worried that I would be perceived as insensitive. Greedy. Self-centered. I know, I am so messed up! But the good news, perhaps even better than the possible (probable?) pregnancy is that I am really starting to come into my own. I am recognizing things much better, and I am not staying trapped in the old pattern.

So here I am, celebrating some really awesome news and whoop-whooping on the inside even if my exterior looks dazed.

Oh No - The Urge to POAS is Too Great

I think I may be pulled to the dark side today. I don't know if I can wait the three more days until Beta. Sad part is, I have no clue what day I am. I know they froze Day 2 embryos, then thawed the day before FET - so does that mean I had a Day 3 transfer? If so, I suppose today is 9dp3dt. Is that enough for the test to be somewhat accurate? I think it is right on the cusp. 9dp2dt sounds too early - but I think I will look around and see when others POAS. I only wish I could save my money and wait until Monday - but I am pretty sure that is not going to happen.

Giving Thanks to the Blog

For whatever reason, last night was tough. By the time I crawled into bed with Wife I was mopey. And yet again, I became sadder from failed communication with Wife. Here is our conversation:

Her: How are you?

Me: Fiiiiine (in totally passive I-am-not-really-fine, 5-syllable way)

Pause. Silence. And I realize she is not going to ask me to expand, and because I am trying to get out of expecting her to do things that aren’t in her nature, and if I want to connect with her more, I am going to have to reach out, I decide to risk it.

Me: I am worried – I don’t feel pregnant.

Her: Don’t. Don’t.

Pause. Silence while I think about whether I want to react to her “support” or just keep talking and tell her why I don’t feel pregnant. And while I am still contemplating my options….

Her: You should just think positively. The mind is really powerful. You need to stay positive. Good night.

So there I was in bed feeling totally alone and really, really sad. But then I remembered my blog. And how I could write about how I was feeling, and why I was feeling that way, and a whole multitude of other things. And I was so grateful for this blog. So here goes:

I am feeling scared. I am really worried that I am not pregnant again. My “symptoms,” which I presume are really side-effects of the progesterone, are spotty at best. Sometimes I am really nauseated, but not so much recently. I am getting pangs and cramps in my lower abdomen, but I got those last time too. My boobs don’t hurt. (Yes, one of my symptoms is a lack of symptom – so sue me!) And perhaps most importantly, I am not insanely tired. I was exhausted the first few days after transfer. Now I stay awake until 11 and still have trouble falling asleep. This stinks! 

I don’t feel positive anymore. I keep trying to remind myself that Maybe is a possibility. There is no need to feel Yes or No – but I am having such a hard time staying there! I have 4 more days. Yes, I do have to say that even with this little snit, I am still doing much better than last cycle. Overall I am much calmer. But crap – I just wish it would work so I could be pregnant already!!!

No news

I have to post quickly because my mom is coming in today from Chicago and I will not be able to post after she is here. And boy am I nervous! My mom, like most moms I suppose, has a very special was of getting under my skin and pushing my buttons. Luckily I am feeling pretty ok with myself right now, strong, surprisingly balanced, optimistic and even a little loving. I think this is going to be key to not crashing for the next few days.

On the baby-front, well no real news to report - still have to wait until Dec 6 for the first Beta. But it is funny how my brother called 2 days ago and my sister called yesterday to see what news I had. This is after feeling pretty sad that nobody had called me on transfer day, even though I had told them when it would be. When I talked with them on Thanksgiving, I actually had to bring the "getting pregnant" topic up myself - I mean, is it not on their minds 24/7 like it is on mine? The nerve! Actually, it is pretty cool that they want to talk with me about it at all, and I feel really lucky to have their support. I think it might be rare that a younger brother is interested in his sister's struggles to have a baby. (And have I mentioned that he is Girl and Boy's donor? He flew out every month for almost a year at his own expense to make this happen - what an amazing gift he gave!!! So it is a little extra cool that he is interested in this IVF experience even though he doesn't have as much of a critical role.) And my sister actually loaned us a few thousand to pay for the IVF (which I am happy to say I paid back yesterday when insurance sent a partial reimbursement - woo hoo!)

Anyway, I had a great talk with my sister last night - I need to remember to talk with her if I end up with three sticky embryos. She pointed out how if I had triplets I would "catch up with her" really, really quickly. And while 5 kids is certainly doable, she has a full-time nanny, a house cleaner 4 days a week and a personal assistant to help. And I wouldn't have these things. Having 3 more kids would be truly amazing - good and bad, but probably more bad than good. Well, I can't even begin to describe the ways it would make life so much harder and more narrow - so many things that we currently enjoy that we wouldn't be able to do anymore. But honestly, I am not sure what I would do -- could I choose to reduce? I am grossed out by the idea that the third fetus would remain in my uterus while the other 2 grew. Sister pointed out the fetus would be about the size of a grain of rice, so that helped, but seriously, I think I would always wonder if it was the right decision. Well, I am not going to worry about it unless I need to. (This is my new approach to life and it seems to be working!)

Meanwhile, Wife is being supportive after a particularly hard session with Couples Counselor last night, followed by semi-awkward dinner at a new less-than-yummy Thai restaurant. But today's texts indicate she is committed to being supportive and nicer and less defensive. Good news!

So maybe not exactly no news, afterall.

Thoughts on Wife

Oddly, I am very un-baby-minded today. I actually got work done at work (what a surprise!) I did not spend hours reading IF blogs, etc. And I don't really have much to say here now. On that subject anyway.

But I would like to clear my mind of thoughts regarding the other plague of my life right now: my often verbally abusive and otherwise mean wife. I need to say that I know my relationship with Wife is troublesome. Sometimes we get along great and I am so happy. I feel like I love her again. I can see us staying together happily. And sometimes, sadly oftentimes, this is not the case. So why do I want to have a baby with her? Certainly not to "save the relationship." No, I want to get pregnant because if I were on my own I would be doing it solo - it is the right time. And I believe that things can get better with Wife. And if they don't, I will leave her. But no matter what, she will be a great Mom to New Baby. Her being part of the process seems irrelevant in my mind.

But anyway, I discovered something while talking to my therapist today about Wife. It is highly likely that her abrasiveness is...I don't know exactly how to put it. Having spent time with her mom over Thanksgiving, it seems so much more clear to me that Wife had little choice than to create this harsh defensiveness around herself. And I think long ago she created this story of her mom being such a terrific mom to cover the fact that she was really neglected and criticized. She talks about how her mom worked 3 jobs just to put food on the table, and yet her mom also attended all of her high school softball games (who has time to do all that?) And her mom also stole food from the supermarket when they didn't have enough money to buy dinner, but why wouldn't they if she were working 3 jobs? And there is some very sketchy stories about an "uncle" doing very inappropriate things, but the details aren't really clear, including whether or not her mom knew about the "activity." I suppose I am writing this to recognize that Wife has created a way of being that works for her -- or worked for her. And instead of directly confronting her in a she-has-to-change way, it might be more productive to investigate whether this coping mechanism is serving her now. Oh, she is going to be so resistant! She does not like to talk about her emotions, she does not remember her childhood, she does not like to think that she could have "issues" to work on. But I think she is seriously depressed. And I don't think she likes being so cranky all the time. For my sake, I want her to feel better. I don't want to continue being the scapegoat or whipping-boy. But also for her sake, I want her to be happier. To feel better.

When talking with Therapist, I felt somewhat relieved discussing this, and somewhat overwhelmed. Relieved that, with a root to her actions and feelings, perhaps there is a way to alleviate the unpleasantness. Overwhelmed that I would have to approach the situation from the standpoint of caring about her. Because I am usually pretty tapped out on catering to her and positioning my opinion and presenting ideas "just so" and, basically, giving. I give to her a lot, probably too much. But after thinking about if this afternoon, I realized I do have a reserve of good will toward her. I do have more to give. And maybe it will help.

Of course, I still have to figure out the right time (and the right way) to approach this. I think now, with the holidays (and my loco Mom visiting tomorrow for Channukah) isn't the right time. But maybe the opportunity will present itself. And I will just have to keep my eyes and ears open.

In the meantime, I intend to get some work done.

Progesterone Capsule Advice

I forgot to ask earlier, does anyone have a good way to clean the applicator used for the progesterone "capsules" (aka suppositories)? I can barely reach all the gunk that gets on the inside of the tube, but it is a royal pain and it is really grossing me out.

Maybe

I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I will. I don't think I am pregnant. Somehow I need to make it through this last week of waiting without breaking down. And I was so sure. Now, I am holding on to a slim Maybe.

I spent the first few days after retrieval with a full house for Thanksgiving. I thought this would be great since Grandma and Aunt and Cousins could play with Kids while I rested or at least relaxed. Wrong! Silly Me! It was hectic. And I felt so nauseous. I had to eat every few hours and there was just so much to do, so I ended up just being cranky and generally feeling like crap. I hate that I get so excited to host people (family and friends) at our house but as soon as they get there, I start wondering when they will leave. This happened at the Halloween Party too. Am I just an awful person? I don't remember feeling this way before. Maybe it is just another side-effect of the hormones?

But anyway, last weekend I knew that my "symptoms" were too early. The embies hadn't even had time to implant and I was ill. So I figure it must have been lingering Progesterone running afoul in my system. It lasted for 3 days hard core, then a little more mellow the last few days. Now I feel almost nothing. No boobie tenderness. Some slightly cramping, but higher than where  imagine my ute must be. But really, I thought I would have this spiritual awareness or feeling of being pregnant, and I feel none. I feel very alone and empty.

I am trying to tell myself it isn't over yet. There are plenty of people who didn't feel pregnant, but in fact were. There is no universal way to feel during the first few days or weeks. It could still happen. I just can't say it loud enough to drown out the negative thoughts echoing in my head. IT COULD HAPPEN! IT COULD HAPPEN! "Maybe" is the best I can come up with.

This is not helped by the almighty Magic 8 Ball. When asked "Am I pregnant?" it replied "Maybe." I am petrified to ask it again. I just don't want to deal with the emotional turmoil a negative answer would start. It is like POAS too early. You can say the answer means nothing, but somehow it does. And I would never POAS right now. I know it would be silly - so why do I give this mindless computer programming the power to make me feel like crap? I am ridiculous and grasping at straws, looking for any possible positive encouragement.

And the blog world seems to have shifted as well - of bifurcated -- and I am just terrified to imagine which side I am going to be on next week. On one hand, there are some incredibly strong women dealing so openly and honestly with devastation. I cry for them, and know that I would not handle well what they are experiencing -- loss, missed opportunities/canceled cycles, BFNs, possible IVF hard-stops. It is almost overwhelming to read their struggles. Except that I can relate, on some level. The other side, the BFP side, is very foreign to me, and terrifies me even more. If it can happen for them, it could happen for me. So I must keep that option open. But if it happens for 2, 3 or 4 of them, does it make it less likely for me? I know this is ridiculous, but part of me worries that the sticky baby dust for the month has been used up. (I am not proud of this part of my thoughts...) So who am I going to join next week?

Does it matter that I will have my first Beta in December? That means a new month's reserve of sticky baby dust, right?
Maybe.

PUPO

Three beautiful embies in. May they plant and rest and make my uterus their home. Well, at least one of them. Two would also be nice. Please not three. Thanks.

24 hours and counting

I am actually a little giddy with anticipation. I am so excited for tomorrow's FET - and I am feeling so warm about the prospects. I keep repeating "It might work. It might happen. I could be pregnant at this time tomorrow." How cool is that?

I have noticed a few blogs refer to the Magic 8 Ball, and surprisingly it seems accurate quite often. So despite my ideas of not predicting the future and just letting things happen, I had to go check it out. Will I get pregnant tomorrow? Definitely. (Cue applause and jumping butterflies in stomach.)

Meanwhile, I am just waiting for the thaw report from the clinic. Yes, there are hints of negativity seeping in. It is almost noon and they usually call in the morning. Is this a sign? But I will not go there. I will get whatever news they have for me when they call, and there is no need for me to worry beforehand.

Likewise, our plan for taking care of Kids during tomorrow's procedure is derailed due to fevers and coughs. Our sitter is in the middle of finals, so who knows what we are going to do. But Wife says she is on it, and my attempts to help have been shunned - so I am going to check it off my list and not worry about it. Instead I will worry about whether I want to brave the rain for a yummy acai smoothie or whether I should eat in the cafeteria. (Oh the dilemmas!)

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Later in the day: Clinic called at 12:19 with good news. All 4 embryos survived the thaw. We will learn more tomorrow of course, but the plan is to transfer 3 and let the 4th grow, hopefully to blast and then refreeze. Although a tiny little part of me wonders why - This time is going to work so I won't need to others on ice. Right? Right!

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Still later in the day: I am dying here. I can't keep my mind on anything other than thinking about tomorrow. I am so excited! I am so ready! I really need to chill. How am I going to get through the TTW with this attitude. But I feel like it is the day before Christmas. I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and open up my presents. OK - concentrate. Focus. Think about the gnarly PIO shot you get tomorrow. Think about the speculum. Better. Steady now. Oh heck - it is no use. I am JAZZED!

48 hours and Counting

In less than 48 hours I will have between 1 and 3 lovely embryos inside me, fully PUPO and hopefully PUB. That's the plan anyway. And all I have to do is relax into it.

I was thinking this weekend about "going with the flow," which is...let's just say it is not my natural inclination. I am not a contrarian, and I generally try to avoid creating conflict - I am a People Pleaser. But I over analyze and worry and plan and doubt and thinkthinkthink about things way too much to be considered easy going. But I do have to say that I have started to mellow out considerably, and my personal philosophy has opened up some. I think.

But maybe I have been giving myself a little too much credit. I thought that my belief that things in life happen, that there is a reason for things, was pretty solid. Sure, I get mad, but then I look for a lesson or an advantage, and I try not to get too worked up. But this whole baby-making experience has shown me I was only partially open to what I (correctly or incorrectly) describe as a Zen way of being. I agreed things happen. Or things don't happen. And that is just the way it is, without judgment or punishment or much impact from my day-to-day actions. What I failed to see before, though, was my skewed reaction to this belief had me constantly looking for clues for what was about to happen (or not happen) and trying to guess what the future would bring. As though it were already written.

And I struggled to find clues because I didn't want to be the only one who didn't see what was obvious to everyone else. This is clearly a reflection of my messed-up youth. On the one hand, I saw my mom blindsided by whom she thought was one of her best friends, who was in fact having an affair with my dad and later became my step-mom. I know how hurt my mom was by the betrayal (from both dad and step-mom), but she also felt as though everybody else knew, and she was embarrassed further by being "clueless" about it. She used to talk to me a lot (even though I was only 7) about her feelings, and I think in some way her experience became my own. But this was also intensified by my mom's natural tendency to shoot down any positive feelings I had for a bright future. She sent a strong message of "why do you think something good is going to happen to you?" with an implied sense of unworthiness. But it wasn't as though good things didn't happen - they did! But I wasn't supposed to expect them or rely on them or hope for them - that would be greedy or presumptuous or foolhardy. Because I might be the only one who was thinking positive thoughts while everyone else was laughing behind my back, and that would NOT be good. So optimism, which I maintain is still my natural outlook on life, was taught out of me.

And the future became slightly hopeless - in the sense that hope had very little to do with it. I suppose I viewed destiny like a Choose Your Own Adventure book. The pages in the book were already written and I had some personal choice as to what order I chose to read the pages, and whether I hit good pages or scary pages, but the story (and ending) were essentially already written. Now I feel my mind is developing and I have a much wider view of destiny. What is going to happen will happen, but it is not predetermined. It is more like this blog - I don't know where it is going when I start a post, and I don't know where all the posts are going until I am able to look back and reread a few in sequence.

So in less than 48 hours am I going to be pregnant? I don't know. But it is a serious possibility. And only time will tell.

Mimes and Infertility

There is a radio commercial right now (for Geico - so you get the randomness of it all) that asks if Mimes are less creepy on the radio. And somehow this got my mind to thinking - mimes and infertility are so alike. OK, maybe not. Mimes are annoying, and so is infertility. But there is something I can learn from mimes: inner confidence. Have you ever seen a mime not totally committed to their art? A mime in the middle of a show can show no self-doubt. And this is what I intent to project as I go toward FET.

The truth is that there is a much greater possibility that it won't work. But I can't focus on that. I have to ignore what others think or say and cling to the possibility that it might work. It just might work. Not because I did anything right or because I am a good person or because I deserve it. It might just work because it did.

Sometimes I feel like it is silly for me to believe it might work, as if there is so much evidence that it won't work, and people might make fun of me for having faith in the face of low probability. And this is when I think of the mime, performing even though so many people find them creepy. I am certainly no more "out there" than that.

Hypochondria setting in...

I talked with the clinic twice already today and seriously considered a third time. First, I wasn't sure of the dosage on my estrogen shot. It was not written down anywhere since it was added later. Quick call told me I already knew the answer. (BTW, shot in butt was NOT nice this morning. Super sting and soreness. Oh well.) Second call was to discuss preponderance of vaginal mucous (TMI anyone?) Isn't that supposed to happen when I ovulate? Is something throwing my body into a crazy state and I am not going to make it to transfer on Wednesday?!? Quick call told me it is perfectly normal due to extra estrogen. As long as I am on Lupron, nothing is going to happen down there before they want it to. And third call? Well, it hasn't happened, and it is not going to happen, but part of me is petrified I have a blood clot. My left calf is so achy and sore - and it kinda came out of nowhere. It feels numb and my foot is freezing cold. Of course I immediately jumped to blood clot, and was dismayed to learn that estrogen therapy can be a cause of clots, but I only have one "symptom" so I am letting it ride. I am sure it is just bad circulation. It could even be a pinched nerve. But I doubt it is anything that will lead to a fatal pulmonary embolism. Right?

I know I am going to be a crazy hypochondriac when I am pregnant. Kicks will make me feel like I have a broken rib. No kicks will make me worry about the pregnancy's viability. Heartburn leading to an asthma attack leading to an ER visit in the middle of Nowhere, Michigan was just the tip of the iceberg. Hope Wife is sympathetic.

Meanwhile I continue to wake up from the hormone-induced depression. I am taking care of all the personal and work responsibilities I have been barely managing. And all of a sudden I am quite overwhelmed by how much is on my to-do list. Note to self: when taking a break from life, please try to check in  more often. Going 4 weeks (or more) without more than baseline attention really leaves you in a pile at the end.

Finally, I want to mention that I am visualizing this FET working. I was at my desk today thinking about how I am going to tell people. That's a good sign, right?

Changing Perspective

I am finally starting to piece together this hodge podge feeling that I am approaching this attempt at getting pregnant incorrectly. The truth is I really want to be pregnant. I want to feel a baby grow inside me. I want to provide for this baby, or even these babies. I want the bump. And as much as I will deny this later, I want the nausea, aches and pains. I want to be pregnant.

But that is all about me.

And I am getting hints that the process really isn't, or at least it shouldn't, be about me. Being pregnant is a means to an end -- the way that a new being joins the world. The few spiritual people I have talked with about IF have hinted loudly that I will become pregnant when a spirit decides he or she wants to come into the world and be my child. And there is a spirit baby out there for me, and this pregnancy is about her. (I am going to continue with "her," because I do feel a female spirit baby vibe.)

So whether this upcoming FET works or not doen't depend on me doing the right thing or not. If it doesn't work, it is not because I don't deserve it or because I did something wrong. My spirit baby just wasn't ready yet. It wasn't the right time for her to join the world yet. And only she knows when the right time is.

Re-reading this so far makes me sounds all spiritual and new age. And I am not. And I don't know how much of what I wrote I actually believe. But I do know that it makes me feel better. News from others going trough IVF and FETs right now is not good. I am so sad for these women, my heart aches and my minds cowers - it scares me! So putting a little faith in a spirit baby, taking some pressure off myself, surrendering to the idea of what-will-be-will-be, is helpful.

Oops - it ended up being all about me again. Well, at least I am trying!

Feeling like a Champ

I have nothing but positive energy to share today. I feel great. I am happy. I am optimistic about LOTS of things, including my relationship with Wife, my job and the upcoming FET. It is amazing what a little estrogen shot in the ass can do! (BTW, when I actually go through menopause, I think I am going to be a very good candidate for hormone replacement therapy 0 may no one have to be around me when my natural estrogen shuts off - yikes!)

So I am just looking forward to spending time with my family this weekend, seeing friends and feeling good. Woo hoo!

Holy Optimism, Batman - Who is this Positive Woman?

Guess who is feeling excited and positive about this FET? Me! Holy cow - woo hoo - and yippie!!!

Several things have finally fallen into place. I wish I could do the transfer tomorrow because I am feeling THAT good. But I will wait and let this grow - build a foundation of positive vibes. To summarize recent actions that helped buoy my mood:

(1) I sent a text to Wife to thank her for taking care of Kids the other night. She texted back and told me it was (a) not a big deal, and (b) she felt bad that she didn't finish by taking care of me - by giving me a big hug and letting me know it would be alright - that we were in it together and she loves me very much, etc. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

(2) Wife also offered to wake up 2 mornings a week to take care of Kids while I sleep in. Since they have been waking up at 5:30 due to end of Daylight Savings, this is a HUGE relief. And such a positive sign that Wife is making effort to support me, and given how much she hates waking up early, this sacrifice is awesome.

(3) Great couple's counseling session where I shared my anxieties and felt heard and more supported. Yes, some of my fears are irrational. Some of my reactions are hormonal. But all this is natural for where I am and what I/we are going through. So it was good. I also was able to laugh at myself some. Thank you!

(4) Super appointment with RE this mornings. First, we got to see Dr. Positive And Nice (sounds lame, but those are the qualities that stick out and are so important to me right now -- from here on out, He will be Dr. PAN). What a relief after Dr. Personality who berated my ovary, belittled my sperm and gave little hope that future cycles would work. Not Dr. PAN - he is so excited about this FET. He knows it is going to work. He is excited about their FET success rate, particularly for women my age. He responded well to my question about why we are doing a day2 transfer rather than a day5 - convinced me anyway (with some blah blah about a study at Yale...). He was very animated about what we have going for us, especially after looking at the TRIPLE STRIPE 11mm uterine lining I am sporting. Yes, Me! And we are still 13 days away from transfer. (Sorry, wish I know what cycle day this was, but I lost count of all that long ago. Only know he wanted to see at least 8mm.) I got a picture of my lovely uterus.

But perhaps the best part is...
(5) I got an estrogen shot. Sure, that sucker hurt "just a tad" as it went into my ass, but I am so ready for these headaches to be over. My estrogen level was a mere 89, while on 2 patches, so now I am going to remove said patches, and get a shot every 3.5 days. No more sticky goo! And so looking forward to no more headaches!

And in 2 weeks - so looking forward to being PUPO but on my way to being PUB (my new acronym - Pregnant Until Birth)!

Why Why Why?

Last night I cried myself to sleep at 8pm. I had a killer Lupron headache and slight Vivelle nausea. Thankfully Wife took over my job and put Kids to bed as I lay in bed feeling pathetic and cranky and hopeless. And I realized something: I made a terrible mistake. I want my $20,000 back. Forget this whole baby-making thing. I should have spent the money on a kickin' vacation, maybe a few vacations, and our heating bill and baby sitting -- why did I think that getting pregnant was so important? Because if my some fluke I do get pregnant, I am not (ever) going to be able to stay in bed with a headache while Wife puts the kids to bed. I will be busy with new kid, or kids! There will be no such thing as "me time" or other things I really value, such as sleep and relaxing. And for this I paid $20,000???

Perhaps this is what everyone meant when they asked if now was the best time to get pregnant. Damn concerned people who know things better than I do! But what to do now?

LATER IN THE DAY....
After spending the better part of the last 3 hours reading other IF blogs, I have decided to find Hope. I will be Optimistic. I will consider everything I am doing naturally to be part of creating just the right environment for my baby to join us. I am enough, and what I am doing is Right. Even what I am not doing is Right. It is going to work!

Conversation with Sister

I was talking with my sister yesterday - a really overdue catch-up since we haven't talked in about 4 weeks, which is long at this point in our lives - and while the conversation was fine, I was left with an uneasy feeling afterward. Really, anyone going through infertility should not be talking with a sister who is 4 years older (over 40) and pregnant with baby #6, conceived on CD6 - oops! But let me back up.

Last night I was telling Sister that I was having a hard time with balance. I wanted to do everything possible to support getting pregnant, but I was starting to feel overwhelmed with everything that I was doing. She said she understood, but at a certain point it is about managing stress, and if eating all the right (or crazy) things at the right (or crazy) time was creating more stress, then perhaps it wasn't worth it. And I agree. But what she doesn't really get, as an uber-fertile, is the possible guilt and blame that I will feel if I choose not to follow this new regimen and I don't end up pregnant. It is so hard to make the choice to take it easy, even though that sounds so obvious, because then it seems like I am slacking/not motivated (and possibly not deserving?). In my heart, I don't feel like the chia seeds or probiotics are doing anything for me. But I haven't yet completely confirmed that I will give them up (although it is likely).

The other thing Sister is trying to be helpful about but doesn't get...When she was trying for baby #5, she got pregnant on the third month of trying. This was the first time she didn't get pregnant on the first try. So now she understands how disappointing it can be to get a BFN. Yes. And No. I really appreciate the fact that she is trying to empathize with me - but really, does a BFN mean the same thing to somebody who got pregnant 4 times already, each from the first unprotected sex? I don't know, but I have to think that she was nowhere near the "it'll never happen" feeling the way I am. (And yes, I realize that I am walking a fine line because I already have Kids, so other people dealing with IF who don't have kids may be saying the same thing about me - but in my defense, I have kids though my wife, and while they really are my kids, I want to be pregnant and have kids through me - is that asking for too much?) And of course I can't blame Sister for not getting it - I wish nobody got it. But here I am tearing up because, truly, I am petrified that it'll never work. That I won't ever get pregnant, I won't get to feel life growing inside of me. That I don't have what it takes to be nourishing, to sustain and provide for a budding child.

Have I mentioned lately that I hate these hormones? What a pathetic worrier/downer/mess! Man I wish I could feel more positive!

On the other hand, I want to thank Sister for letting me talk. I think sometimes it is hard for her to be pregnant and hear me talk about wanting it so much. She knows she has it and I want it and yet it's not like she can share it. And it is nice to feel absolutely no hard feelings about her being pregnant. (I am actually a little surprised about how I am not jealous of pregnant women in general - I guess I know it is not like there are a finite number of pregnancies and what they have doesn't take away from me. I am jealous of people who blog about how much they LOVE their partner and are so blessed to be going through IF with their best friend, blah blah - ick! Kills me every time - but not what I want to write about now.)

Honestly, I think I need a break. Oh - I hate these hormones!

Searching for un-pessimism

Sunday I increased the dosage to 2 estrogen patches. Side-effects include headaches, nausea and loss of appetite. Should I call the clinic to report or just accept it. It is not like they are going to change the protocol, so I really don't see the point. Wife doesn't agree, but this is my decision, right?

So I give myself a C+ so far on following the herbalist's recommendations.
- I am doing great on dinner for breakfast, but I think that may have something to do with loss of appetite. I am just not hungry at lunch time then.
- I have been eating a lot of red meat, but I couldn't stomach the cost for grass-fed and organic meats. So just organic will have to do.
- I am drinking about 8 oz of water with chia seeds (instead of the 16 oz recommended).
- I have been drinking the evening tea, even though it is DISGUSTING!
- I have been taking the enzyme with only about half my meals. I keep forgetting. Even still, it seems to be helping as my "digestion" is much more active.
- I have taken the probiotic each evening and it too is pretty gross - it goes down quickly if I take my vitamins with it.
The issue I see is that I have been doing this for 3 days and already it seems like a big pain. I have 2.5 more weeks and while I am hoping I will get into a routine, I feel it is more likely that I will give this all up as an unnecessary burden. I don't feel more energetic (yet?) and I don't feel more fertile (yet?) and I don't feel more connected to "Alison" (yet?). Quite possibly a $200 waste of time and money. (Sure, compared to IVF, $200 doesn't sound like much, but we could certainly use it in our regular household budget.)

On a more positive note, I had a really nice date with Wife on Friday - it had been too long since we got along for an entire evening. We went to a movie (where I gave my evening Lupron injection during a dark scene) and then out for sushi. I am hoping that I won't be able to eat sushi for several months starting in a few weeks, so I better get my fill now. I told wife about Alison, and she surprised the heck out of me by not freaking out or calling me a dork or anything mean or negative. She started talking about names and it was fun to imagine what it will be like when we have another child. Of course the conversation steered mostly to the idea of having more children, but I shared how I was afraid if I got my hopes up about twins I might be disappointed if we"only got one," as if that would ever be a bad thing. And surprise of all surprises, she understood and let it go. It was a really nice evening.

We had a few snits over the weekend, but in general I am feeling cautiously un-pessimistic about our relationship. And that is a nice improvement. I am hoping to upgrade my feelings about this FET cycle to un-pessimistic soon. I have 2.5 weeks to get my mind in gear, to drop the fear, to ditch the negativity and stress.

Because I want IT

Today has been about tackling my inner demons regarding getting pregnant now. Multiple signs point to this not being the right time. And yet I persist. I want to be pregnant and I want to be pregnant now. Actually, when my acupuncturist asked, "Are you sure now is the best time to get pregnant?" I should have answered "No! The best time was three months ago, or even last year when we started trying - but this will do as a back-up plan."

I think I am still cranky.

I will continue to blame the hormones.

So back to my day. I met with an acupuncture/herbalist. He took a very detailed history (I don't think I have talked to anyone that much about my poo -- and I have 3-year-old twins so there is a lot of poo talk for competition -- but even so, today wins) and gave me a long prescription. Well, actually, first he asked if there was any way to push the transfer back, because he would love to work with me for longer than 3 weeks to really get my energy where it needs to be. Ouch! I am trying hard not to focus on the implied message - my energy is not going to be where it needs to be. Instead I am going to jump-start my Chi by doing the following:
- Eat dinner for breakfast: eat heartily in the morning, lots of red meat and soups with bone broths
- Drink an evening tea every night
- Take digestive enzymes with every meal
- Take probiotics with my prenatal and fish oil every evening
- Drink slippery chia seed water between meals
- Go to sleep earlier each evening
And honestly, when looking at this list, I wonder is this really going to make a difference? Will the embies implant because I have done these things? Will they not stick if I don't? All of a sudden I feel like I am behind the 8-ball and I have a lot of work to do, and perhaps if I don't get pregnant it will be my fault because I didn't go to sleep early enough or I ate too many "empty calories" or I just have crappy Chi. And really, he wanted more time anyway. And I said I want it now.

So then I rushed to lunch with a friend, which I was really looking forward to because it has been way too long since I sat with a friend, without distractions. Sadly we only had about 30 minutes because I had to run back to the office and actually do some work. So I didn't get to tell her how much I was struggling emotionally or explain how terrible I feel about being such a cranky, downer nellie. I didn't get to pick her brain about the Halloween party. I didn't get to say how much I appreciated her candor, even in asking me if now was the right time to get knocked up - and I feel a little bad for reacting kinda strongly. I am so happy that we met for the quick lunch, but I feel like it just picked at the tip of the iceberg and I have so much more I need to connect with someone on.

Part of me is just so confused right now. After our several at-home attempts and one IUI, it was somewhat of a relief for me to learn we had male factor infertility issues. It explained things for me - I didn't think I would have an issue getting pregnant, and then I had a nice little explanation that fit with my view of things. So when we did IVF I was so sure it would work. And then it didn't. Does this mean I have fertility issues? Does one failed IVF make me infertile, or just unlucky? I know, why does it really matter what label I wear? I don't know, but for some reason I am stuck on it. That and the fact that I have Kids, so shouldn't I be happy? Couldn't I be done? Am I just being greedy to try to get pregnant myself - to have my turn? Why am I going through all this emotional torture?

Because I want IT. And I want it now.

Please.