I ran across a pregnancy checklist this weekend. I thought "this will be fun" and decided to see where I sit. Not to brag too much, but I am rocking the first trimester steps. I am particularly proud of starting the belly shots (at 12 weeks exactly last Friday). Went out and bought size 36Ginormous bras over the weekend - it really isn't pretty! Have a long list of possible names that needs to be winnowed. Eating right, etc.
Admittedly, I could be better about drinking water and getting to bed early. I am slightly behind on "choose a caregiver" because I don't particularly like the one I initially chose, so I have an appointment next week with a different midwife and we will see if this is a better match. And I am completely putting my head in the sand regarding "make a baby budget." Budgeting and I just don't seem to get along very well.
Each year, and often more times throughout the year, I make a budget -- but I don't follow it. I am terrible about following it. And somehow things work out in the end. I am always stressed about finances at the beginning of the year. Tax withholdings are highest, I have to meet my healthcare deductible, I get the bills from Christmas. It is an ugly financial time. So really, now is not the time to be looking at forming a budget - it will only stress me out, and isn't stress really bad for a pregnancy? So I think it is actually a smart move to forego the budget analysis. (snarky laugh)
Back to the list, because it is nice to feel prepared: Some second trimester activities done. Signed up for prenatal yoga class. Tracking weight gain. Not going to find out critter's gender until big surprise at birth (but my money is on a girl). Kids know and are excited. Got lots of maternity clothes and wearing them regularly. Adult time? Not with Kids. Some date nights, but wish I could date somebody else's Wife. Just sayin' Pets are prepared. Pets are already aware they have been demoted. Have childcare for new critter - do need to figure out who looks after Kids while I am in labor.
I even have a few of the third trimester activities already checked off. Pediatrician - check. Will work after birth - check. No circumcision - check. Crib set up - check. Yes, we got "big kid beds" for the Kids this weekend, and spent the day on Sunday setting them up, converting one of their toddler beds back into a crib and figuring out how all of that, plus two dressers and a changing table are going to fit into one bedroom. But I think it can be done. Girl absolutely loves her bed and bedding -- she looks so tiny in such a big bed. Boy splays out and almost fills the bed already. He looks like he belongs in this new bed and doesn't so much love it as much as feels completely at home in it. They are sometimes so completely different.
Wonder what the third will be like. (It is too late for anything to split into twins, right?)
Monday, January 31, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Hodge Podge and Hormones
I forgot way back in January (January 11, to be exact), I graduated from the IVF clinic! Woo hoo. Conveniently I was at the midwife getting an ultrasound so the transition was pretty easy. Sadly the IVF clinic still sent me a bill for another $2,000. I thought everything was included! So bitter over that one.
Kiddo measured a little big I guess, because the midwife moved my due date up to August 12. I know, it isn't going to matter one day or another, which irks me a little - why bother changing it one or two days? Especially when we know on exactly which day "conception" took place. But anyway, now I have to white-out the highly decorated August 14 day in my calendar and put stars and such on a new day. Fortunately I hadn't started taking weekly/monthly belly shots yet because I would have to change all my 7w photos labels to 7w2d, etc. Seriously - what a pain!
I hope the belly shots will start tonight. I just have to figure out what to wear. I want to wear something that I will be able to squeeze into the entire pregnancy. But since I have no clue what size I will get...I know I am over thinking this, but that is what I do best. Plus I don't want to do the bra or underwear thing (even swimsuit top that looks like a bra) because Wife did it and it weirded people out to look at her all preggers and half naked. Whatever!
So I have quite a little pop/belly going on. Apparently (based on my new due date) I am officially 12 weeks today. So I have heard that it is probably all gas. Again, Whatever! I am pregnant and now I look pregnant - and have I mentioned recently that I feel pregnant? (yea, can't wait for this first trimester thing to be over so I can enjoy eating again.)
So between the nausea and the hemorrhoids (is that TMI?), I am really miserable here. I don't want to complain, but it is really my tush that is driving me batty. I sit at a desk all day and I am so uncomfortable. The only relief I get is when I take a warm bath in the evening. And that is getting really hard to do because Wife is getting tired of me not taking over for her the second I walk in the door. Which is leading to me getting really grumpy with her, so I am short, and then she is cranky with me and we are Not in a Good Place right now. I need a vacation from her.
On a good note, Kids are not driving me totally batty. Girl has been so super sweet, kinda like a leech that won't let me out of her sight when I am home, but nice and cuddly and supportive too. I am taking this wonderful (NOT!) magnesium powder to help combat the constipation and I totally overdid it. What I thought would be just a little fart turned into a bit more, as I was mortified to discover. I was quietly cleaning up my clothes when Girl noticed what I was doing. She looked at me with the most innocent look of wonder. "Did you have an accident, Mommy?" Me: Yes, I did. Her: Oh. Can we plan hide-and-seek? Thank you child for not making me feel like a complete loser! (Again, TMI? Sorry!)
I finally did it - I woke up early this morning and exercised before anyone woke up. I want to be physically active during my pregnancy - for endorphins, so I don't become a total blob, to support a strong labor, for so many reasons! And yet there were so many excuses not to - can't find the time, so so tired/need to sleep, feeling pukey, etc. We got a treadmill for Christmas because I knew I would never find the time to get to the gym. But then I discovered I can't use the treadmill when Kids are awake because they want to go on it with me (and they simply aren't coordinated enough and it is really stressful). So that restricted treadmill time to before 6:30 or after 9:00. I thought I would be able to do it late at night, but I have found that I don't have the juice. So this morning, I set the alarm for 6:00 and I only snoozed once. This left me an easy 20 minutes, which I considered a good start. And I actually felt really good this morning - a little more energetic for it. But yikes - tomorrow is the weekend. Do I wake up early again to continue "the trend" or do I wait to try again on Monday?
Have I mentioned that I want to bury Wife for a while? I think I brushed over my intense annoyance with her. She is so cranky. I can't stand her one-word answers and her defensiveness. I hate having to talk to her about anything because I know it is going to turn into a fight. She says "Dinner is obviously ready" and I say "why obviously?" and she says "Because I am not in the kitchen cooking." I am thinking this doesn't seem like an obvious conclusion to me...she could have not started yet (which was happening when we were eating late a few weeks ago because she was not feeling well so she didn't start dinner until I came home and she couldn't avoid it any longer), dinner could be in the oven (you know, a hands-off cooking approach like the casseroles I tend to make) or dinner could be done. Well, I said this -- I said I didn't think it was obvious and I explained myself (skipping the parts in parentheses) and her response: "You're an ass." Her response = totally uncalled for. But I see where she thinks I just pick on everything she says. So she says something is obvious, and I have to jump on her and say she is wrong, it isn't obvious. And I probably overreacted to being told something was obvious when it didn't feel that way to me. I know, hormones -- it is probably my fault, my doing. But in the state I am in, I don't much care. OK, not true. I care a lot, but I need some room. Well, I guess we both need some counseling and back-to-basics on communication skills. I am going to be under the hormonal influence for several more months and it isn't going to be pretty is we keep at each other's throats.
Other random thoughts of course, but this post is long enough. I am putting it in writing so I hopefully keep my focus - I want to blog every (work)day next week.
Kiddo measured a little big I guess, because the midwife moved my due date up to August 12. I know, it isn't going to matter one day or another, which irks me a little - why bother changing it one or two days? Especially when we know on exactly which day "conception" took place. But anyway, now I have to white-out the highly decorated August 14 day in my calendar and put stars and such on a new day. Fortunately I hadn't started taking weekly/monthly belly shots yet because I would have to change all my 7w photos labels to 7w2d, etc. Seriously - what a pain!
I hope the belly shots will start tonight. I just have to figure out what to wear. I want to wear something that I will be able to squeeze into the entire pregnancy. But since I have no clue what size I will get...I know I am over thinking this, but that is what I do best. Plus I don't want to do the bra or underwear thing (even swimsuit top that looks like a bra) because Wife did it and it weirded people out to look at her all preggers and half naked. Whatever!
So I have quite a little pop/belly going on. Apparently (based on my new due date) I am officially 12 weeks today. So I have heard that it is probably all gas. Again, Whatever! I am pregnant and now I look pregnant - and have I mentioned recently that I feel pregnant? (yea, can't wait for this first trimester thing to be over so I can enjoy eating again.)
So between the nausea and the hemorrhoids (is that TMI?), I am really miserable here. I don't want to complain, but it is really my tush that is driving me batty. I sit at a desk all day and I am so uncomfortable. The only relief I get is when I take a warm bath in the evening. And that is getting really hard to do because Wife is getting tired of me not taking over for her the second I walk in the door. Which is leading to me getting really grumpy with her, so I am short, and then she is cranky with me and we are Not in a Good Place right now. I need a vacation from her.
On a good note, Kids are not driving me totally batty. Girl has been so super sweet, kinda like a leech that won't let me out of her sight when I am home, but nice and cuddly and supportive too. I am taking this wonderful (NOT!) magnesium powder to help combat the constipation and I totally overdid it. What I thought would be just a little fart turned into a bit more, as I was mortified to discover. I was quietly cleaning up my clothes when Girl noticed what I was doing. She looked at me with the most innocent look of wonder. "Did you have an accident, Mommy?" Me: Yes, I did. Her: Oh. Can we plan hide-and-seek? Thank you child for not making me feel like a complete loser! (Again, TMI? Sorry!)
I finally did it - I woke up early this morning and exercised before anyone woke up. I want to be physically active during my pregnancy - for endorphins, so I don't become a total blob, to support a strong labor, for so many reasons! And yet there were so many excuses not to - can't find the time, so so tired/need to sleep, feeling pukey, etc. We got a treadmill for Christmas because I knew I would never find the time to get to the gym. But then I discovered I can't use the treadmill when Kids are awake because they want to go on it with me (and they simply aren't coordinated enough and it is really stressful). So that restricted treadmill time to before 6:30 or after 9:00. I thought I would be able to do it late at night, but I have found that I don't have the juice. So this morning, I set the alarm for 6:00 and I only snoozed once. This left me an easy 20 minutes, which I considered a good start. And I actually felt really good this morning - a little more energetic for it. But yikes - tomorrow is the weekend. Do I wake up early again to continue "the trend" or do I wait to try again on Monday?
Have I mentioned that I want to bury Wife for a while? I think I brushed over my intense annoyance with her. She is so cranky. I can't stand her one-word answers and her defensiveness. I hate having to talk to her about anything because I know it is going to turn into a fight. She says "Dinner is obviously ready" and I say "why obviously?" and she says "Because I am not in the kitchen cooking." I am thinking this doesn't seem like an obvious conclusion to me...she could have not started yet (which was happening when we were eating late a few weeks ago because she was not feeling well so she didn't start dinner until I came home and she couldn't avoid it any longer), dinner could be in the oven (you know, a hands-off cooking approach like the casseroles I tend to make) or dinner could be done. Well, I said this -- I said I didn't think it was obvious and I explained myself (skipping the parts in parentheses) and her response: "You're an ass." Her response = totally uncalled for. But I see where she thinks I just pick on everything she says. So she says something is obvious, and I have to jump on her and say she is wrong, it isn't obvious. And I probably overreacted to being told something was obvious when it didn't feel that way to me. I know, hormones -- it is probably my fault, my doing. But in the state I am in, I don't much care. OK, not true. I care a lot, but I need some room. Well, I guess we both need some counseling and back-to-basics on communication skills. I am going to be under the hormonal influence for several more months and it isn't going to be pretty is we keep at each other's throats.
Other random thoughts of course, but this post is long enough. I am putting it in writing so I hopefully keep my focus - I want to blog every (work)day next week.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Cat's Out of the Bag
Last Friday was fun at work - I came out as pregnant and got lots of hugs and congratulations. And coming in to work this morning, in my maternity pants (!), was so much fun. I haven't seen anybody yet, but I just feel so much happier knowing that I don't have to pretend to be gaining weight for bad reasons. And I get to feel as though my future baby is here with me in the office. Very cool!
So my boss, a guy, was very excited. He used to be a birthing coach (ick!) so we wanted a few extra details but overall was very cool. He stated flat out that now is time for me to relax, do my work but don't worry about coming in early or staying late. I told me my only concern was commuting toward the end of the pregnancy - at that time my company will have moved and the drive will be at least an hour each way. He immediately told me that I could work from home. (He then backtracked to say it would happen if he had anything to say about it, and hopefully we don't get any opposition from his boss, though, so it is not entirely set in stone.) Anyway, my boss is supportive and happy for me -- every time I saw him later in the day he was kinda gushing. Pretty funny!
Now my boss's boss was a little less enthusiastic. He said congratulations. When I assured him I would be returning to work, he mentioned that a lot of women change their minds, and he hopes I do come back but he would not hold it against me if I didn't. Ummm, does he know my life? As if I even have the option of not working? Besides the fact that staying home full-time would drive me batty, we have that little requirement of income. So unless I will the lottery, I will be back. (And if I win the lottery, I would still be working, only in a high school!)
So my boss's boss's boss (yes, I am that much of a peon in this organization) was also very excited for me. She talked about how she felt during her pregnancies. Told me to take good care of myself. Has no concerns about me coming back. Very excited to throw a baby shower (how cute is that?).
But the coolest part is that I felt so free telling everyone we did IVF and that it took a long time for me to get pregnant - it just felt so much better to share the struggle side along with the celebration. Also, I love how nobody asked how many babies and I didn't get any of the "good thing it isn't twins" response. (Turns out I am still a little sad about that one.) Overall a great experience and let's hope it doesn't come back to bite me.
So my boss, a guy, was very excited. He used to be a birthing coach (ick!) so we wanted a few extra details but overall was very cool. He stated flat out that now is time for me to relax, do my work but don't worry about coming in early or staying late. I told me my only concern was commuting toward the end of the pregnancy - at that time my company will have moved and the drive will be at least an hour each way. He immediately told me that I could work from home. (He then backtracked to say it would happen if he had anything to say about it, and hopefully we don't get any opposition from his boss, though, so it is not entirely set in stone.) Anyway, my boss is supportive and happy for me -- every time I saw him later in the day he was kinda gushing. Pretty funny!
Now my boss's boss was a little less enthusiastic. He said congratulations. When I assured him I would be returning to work, he mentioned that a lot of women change their minds, and he hopes I do come back but he would not hold it against me if I didn't. Ummm, does he know my life? As if I even have the option of not working? Besides the fact that staying home full-time would drive me batty, we have that little requirement of income. So unless I will the lottery, I will be back. (And if I win the lottery, I would still be working, only in a high school!)
So my boss's boss's boss (yes, I am that much of a peon in this organization) was also very excited for me. She talked about how she felt during her pregnancies. Told me to take good care of myself. Has no concerns about me coming back. Very excited to throw a baby shower (how cute is that?).
But the coolest part is that I felt so free telling everyone we did IVF and that it took a long time for me to get pregnant - it just felt so much better to share the struggle side along with the celebration. Also, I love how nobody asked how many babies and I didn't get any of the "good thing it isn't twins" response. (Turns out I am still a little sad about that one.) Overall a great experience and let's hope it doesn't come back to bite me.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Back in the Saddle
It has been too long since I have written and I feel its impact. I need this opportunity to focus on how I am doing and check in with myself. And so I vow to try harder to make time...
But first let me give excuses for why I have been gone so long
(1) I was out of town for 5 days and I only blog at work. At this point, Wife knows I have a blog, but since I don't want her reading it or mentioning it to anyone (or reading it!!!), I think it is best something that I reserve for when I am not with my family.
(2) Work has been crazy busy. With my boss asking me to drop everything and work on a top priority, confidential project needed in a few hours, and then his boss coming in and telling me the exact same thing, only in regards to a different project that I am not supposed to mention even to my boss. So I am in a pickle doing twice as much secret last-minute work than I really should be. And this is leaving very little time for me to get my real work done, much less fun things like blogging.
(3) I am pregnant. This brings with it a lack of energy, a shifty mind and a bag-full of guilt. I know I need to get over it, but honestly I wonder if I should just start a new blog so I don't have to worry about the people who are still struggling with infertility reading my vapid complaints and thinking what a callous heel I am. I know, they don't have to read this. They are big girls and well, I have seen my stats - nobody is reading this anyway! And yet I found it so helpful to have this blog as I was working through trying to get pregnant, and I don't know how to transition that into a "happy blog" that chronicles the other side. For some reason, a part of me is not ready to let infertility go. Is that weird?
While I was out of town, I saw a boat-load of family. Immediate family, extended family, extended in-law family. It was awesome that (mostly) everyone already knew I was pregnant. I was so open about the IVF that word had spread, and it was pretty fun to celebrate over and over. I heard lots of "you are glowing!" and it felt fantastic. When asked how I was feeling, my standard response was "Nauseous, but not complaining. Still no vomiting and in a strange way, feeling icky is reassuring." Of course I also wore a dress that made my pooch stick out a little bit more (even if it is only gas at this point). And I wore my elastic maternity pants. Because I worked hard for this pregnancy and I am going to celebrate it - the whole nine months!
And then there was my brother-in-law's sister-in-law, who I know has had a hard time trying to get pregnant with her third kid. Something is up, but I don't know what, where IVF isn't an option. And of course I couldn't say anything because I am not really supposed to know, and instead I didn't have any clue what to say to her about anything. I just wanted to make it easier for you, or as easy as it could be when she is at a party with my sister (who is 8 months pregnant), her other sister-in-law (who has a 3-month old) and me (10 weeks along). I wish I hadn't known anything.
But back to celebrating. I am thinking about telling my boss soon, as in tomorrow. I think it will be so much more fun when I don't have to hide it at work. I was originally going to wait until after bonus decisions, but it was just confirmed that we have no money for bonuses this year (drat!). So I don't think there is any reason for me to wait. It might help them understand why I have been looking so green lately. Plus my office neighbor, who is the only one at work who does know, says my boobs are getting really big and she is worried it may be obvious. So that's the plan for tomorrow.
Other than that, I need to go take a nap. All this writing is exhausting!
But first let me give excuses for why I have been gone so long
(1) I was out of town for 5 days and I only blog at work. At this point, Wife knows I have a blog, but since I don't want her reading it or mentioning it to anyone (or reading it!!!), I think it is best something that I reserve for when I am not with my family.
(2) Work has been crazy busy. With my boss asking me to drop everything and work on a top priority, confidential project needed in a few hours, and then his boss coming in and telling me the exact same thing, only in regards to a different project that I am not supposed to mention even to my boss. So I am in a pickle doing twice as much secret last-minute work than I really should be. And this is leaving very little time for me to get my real work done, much less fun things like blogging.
(3) I am pregnant. This brings with it a lack of energy, a shifty mind and a bag-full of guilt. I know I need to get over it, but honestly I wonder if I should just start a new blog so I don't have to worry about the people who are still struggling with infertility reading my vapid complaints and thinking what a callous heel I am. I know, they don't have to read this. They are big girls and well, I have seen my stats - nobody is reading this anyway! And yet I found it so helpful to have this blog as I was working through trying to get pregnant, and I don't know how to transition that into a "happy blog" that chronicles the other side. For some reason, a part of me is not ready to let infertility go. Is that weird?
While I was out of town, I saw a boat-load of family. Immediate family, extended family, extended in-law family. It was awesome that (mostly) everyone already knew I was pregnant. I was so open about the IVF that word had spread, and it was pretty fun to celebrate over and over. I heard lots of "you are glowing!" and it felt fantastic. When asked how I was feeling, my standard response was "Nauseous, but not complaining. Still no vomiting and in a strange way, feeling icky is reassuring." Of course I also wore a dress that made my pooch stick out a little bit more (even if it is only gas at this point). And I wore my elastic maternity pants. Because I worked hard for this pregnancy and I am going to celebrate it - the whole nine months!
And then there was my brother-in-law's sister-in-law, who I know has had a hard time trying to get pregnant with her third kid. Something is up, but I don't know what, where IVF isn't an option. And of course I couldn't say anything because I am not really supposed to know, and instead I didn't have any clue what to say to her about anything. I just wanted to make it easier for you, or as easy as it could be when she is at a party with my sister (who is 8 months pregnant), her other sister-in-law (who has a 3-month old) and me (10 weeks along). I wish I hadn't known anything.
But back to celebrating. I am thinking about telling my boss soon, as in tomorrow. I think it will be so much more fun when I don't have to hide it at work. I was originally going to wait until after bonus decisions, but it was just confirmed that we have no money for bonuses this year (drat!). So I don't think there is any reason for me to wait. It might help them understand why I have been looking so green lately. Plus my office neighbor, who is the only one at work who does know, says my boobs are getting really big and she is worried it may be obvious. So that's the plan for tomorrow.
Other than that, I need to go take a nap. All this writing is exhausting!
Monday, January 10, 2011
Elastic pants with really big tummy covers
Yesterday was my last progesterone coochie pill. Can a get a woohoo? I think this means I am officially pregnant for real. Of course, I have to get blood work tomorrow to confirm that I am creating enough hormones on my own, but I feel good that I am. I wonder if I will feel less nauseated when I am on my own hormones. A girl can dream.
9w1d and things still going well. I had another ultrasound last Friday. "Kidney Bean" or "KB" measured in at 8w4d, just as he or she should. I can't believe how much KB is starting to look like a little baby. I say little arm buds and leg buds and that wonderfully sparkling heartbeat. I have an appointment with the midwife tomorrow to transfer from the IVF clinic to mainstream care. That means another ultrasound!
Wife went out last week and bought me a whole bunch of maternity clothes. Mostly pants. I feel silly wearing them because I am not technically showing yet. I am just bigger -- putting on a few pounds due to eating to avoid tossing my cookies and the weight does seem to have distributed differently. I asked the one co-worker who knows I am pregnant to tell me when I stopped "passing as fat" so I can tell my boss before it is too obvious. She said she sees no difference, but asked if perhaps my boobs were bigger. They are. She cautioned me because in her experience men don't notice when tummies get bigger, just when boobs do. So I am wearing jackets and minimizing my top at work. At home, I put on the pants with the elastic waist and go to town. They may not be attractive but they are super comfortable. Plus they make me feel pregnant. So while I may not completely need them, they sure are fun.
9w1d and things still going well. I had another ultrasound last Friday. "Kidney Bean" or "KB" measured in at 8w4d, just as he or she should. I can't believe how much KB is starting to look like a little baby. I say little arm buds and leg buds and that wonderfully sparkling heartbeat. I have an appointment with the midwife tomorrow to transfer from the IVF clinic to mainstream care. That means another ultrasound!
Wife went out last week and bought me a whole bunch of maternity clothes. Mostly pants. I feel silly wearing them because I am not technically showing yet. I am just bigger -- putting on a few pounds due to eating to avoid tossing my cookies and the weight does seem to have distributed differently. I asked the one co-worker who knows I am pregnant to tell me when I stopped "passing as fat" so I can tell my boss before it is too obvious. She said she sees no difference, but asked if perhaps my boobs were bigger. They are. She cautioned me because in her experience men don't notice when tummies get bigger, just when boobs do. So I am wearing jackets and minimizing my top at work. At home, I put on the pants with the elastic waist and go to town. They may not be attractive but they are super comfortable. Plus they make me feel pregnant. So while I may not completely need them, they sure are fun.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Why do I keep reading TTC blogs?
So I have been spending an alarming number of my work hours reading blogs - and not just any blogs - blogs of people still battling infertility, still trying to conceive. And I was starting to get alarmed. Is this some sick side of me that isn't understanding that I am actually pregnant? Or worse, am I getting satisfaction out of out women's struggles and not being in that position anymore? I was so shamed by myself, only that didn't really feel like the reason. And I finally figured it out. Blogs about TTC are sadness often masked with humor. And I get those. I like those. I crave those.
I tried to read some "i am pregnant" blogs, but they are quite boring. Day 1: Nausea, Day 2: Nausea, Day 3: Nausea and Vomiting, etc. Plus there is the added pressure that if something happened to an incubating fetus on someone's blog, I would likely transfer the experience into fear and I really don't need that. And sure, a part of me is a little competitive: so-and-so is pregnant with twins and somehow she manages not to fall asleep by 8pm...what is wrong with me? So nope, the pregnant blogs aren't for me.
I also read a few of the parenting blogs, but they seem so fake. I was particularly drawn to twin parenting blogs, and of course there are a lot of them out there - but they are all so sugar-coated or they just skim the surface of crazy life with twins. I don't see anybody writing with the humor I crave about how they sometimes want to strangle their kids and move to Tahiti. I suppose that would be in poor taste to share with the world and might land someone with a visit from CPS.
So I remain reading the blogs of the infertiles. I am so thankful for their honesty, their strength, their moxie. I need a daily dose of Hope -- even though I do have an embryo implanted inside me, sometimes it is still really scary that it might not last - I need to be reminded that no matter what happens I am doing my best and I am not alone. So I will continue to look for new blogs to read and new lives to peer into - and I send many thanks.
I tried to read some "i am pregnant" blogs, but they are quite boring. Day 1: Nausea, Day 2: Nausea, Day 3: Nausea and Vomiting, etc. Plus there is the added pressure that if something happened to an incubating fetus on someone's blog, I would likely transfer the experience into fear and I really don't need that. And sure, a part of me is a little competitive: so-and-so is pregnant with twins and somehow she manages not to fall asleep by 8pm...what is wrong with me? So nope, the pregnant blogs aren't for me.
I also read a few of the parenting blogs, but they seem so fake. I was particularly drawn to twin parenting blogs, and of course there are a lot of them out there - but they are all so sugar-coated or they just skim the surface of crazy life with twins. I don't see anybody writing with the humor I crave about how they sometimes want to strangle their kids and move to Tahiti. I suppose that would be in poor taste to share with the world and might land someone with a visit from CPS.
So I remain reading the blogs of the infertiles. I am so thankful for their honesty, their strength, their moxie. I need a daily dose of Hope -- even though I do have an embryo implanted inside me, sometimes it is still really scary that it might not last - I need to be reminded that no matter what happens I am doing my best and I am not alone. So I will continue to look for new blogs to read and new lives to peer into - and I send many thanks.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Back in Town
There are so many advantages to a forced shut-down at work, and despite the few unpaid days, I feel really fortunate that I was able to spend almost two weeks with just my family and myself and not think one bit about work. What a blessing! Of course, getting back into the swing of things isn't easy -- and that seems to have spilled over to my blog.
On the one had I feel like I have nothing to report. And this is a good thing: I am still pregnant.
But the other part of me wants to record what I feel like and what little things are going on, just to capture the moment. So here goes: I have had mild to medium nausea but no tossing my cookies (and I daresay I won't this entire pregnancy - because I am not a good vomiter). I have managed to combat the exhaustion by taking daily naps (which ended today since I am at the office but I am hanging in there). I have a little muffin top tummy bulge, but I can't figure out if that is because I have a grapefruit-sized uterus or because I have been eating every 2 hours to combat the nausea. I can't close my skinny jeans as of this weekend, but I still fit in most everything else. I still have a hard time concentrating on anything unrelated to pregnancy (at work, at home).
Up at the snow last week I was pulling Boy up a hill in an inner tube and seriously bit it. I landed flat out on my face. Thank goodness for my swollen boobs, which broke the fall and protected my belly. Boy thought it was hilarious! Boy and Girl have been having a very fun time thinking about Baby. They like to save things or make sure there is a third item "for the baby." They also try to guess whether Baby will be a girl or a boy. Wife and I asked Kids how they will know if Baby is a boy - I love the fact that Girl said Baby would not have a coochie. It is excellent that she doesn't see a coochie as absence of a penis.
Of course Girl wants a girl and Boy wants a boy -- and I am finally getting over not having twins in my belly. I am struggling to get over feeling like a lump. I have a hard time arguing with myself about whether to tough it out and fight through the nausea and exhaustion, or whether to rest and take it easy. When I push ahead, I just end up getting grumpy and snapping and I am no fun to be around. (I have shown particular lack of patience with the kids, especially when they are not listening, and I hate yelling at them when they are only being 3 year olds - but really, how many times do you need to be asked to get your socks on???) And when I rest I just feel like a wimp and that maybe I am missing something - and maybe I am just a big loser.
And of course I am avoiding thinking about Wife and how we are doing. Well, sometimes better than others. She has been taking on a lot more and I really appreciate it. Of course, when I tell her this she says she is not doing anything different - I am only now noticing it. But I have managed to realize that Wife is really down, she has gained a lot of weight recently and she is putting off taking care of herself. She talks about it, but hasn't started it yet. And although I hate making excuses (ok, that is not entirely true - I make excuses all the time - but I hate lame excuses), I don't think any work on "us" is going to get anywhere until she starts on "her," and I don't know that I can help that happen.
I had a dream last night that I was staying at a hostel that was suddenly taken over by an outlaw gang and all guests were held prisoner. I was single and young, and while I was upset and scared, it really wasn't that awful. At the beginning I plotted with some of the other prisoners about how to escape, but then we saw one guy who tried get shot and killed. So then I worked on getting on the guards' good side and I got a lot more privileges, like the ability to walk the common areas rather than being trapped in the stinky rooms. And at one point I was sitting in the lobby with another "guest" and one guard left the front door open. We looked at each other to see if we should make a run for it. Eventually I decided that it wasn't so bad where we were, and I wasn't going to risk it trying to get out. I remember feeling, as I said this in my dream, that this was not a good sign. That I had lost my will to fight for what I wanted and deserved. That I was complacent with being held a prisoner. This dream, which ended soon after the lobby incident by Girl waking up, has haunted me today. Not really sure what to do about it.
Well, I suppose there is a bit for me to write about, even if reluctantly.
On the one had I feel like I have nothing to report. And this is a good thing: I am still pregnant.
But the other part of me wants to record what I feel like and what little things are going on, just to capture the moment. So here goes: I have had mild to medium nausea but no tossing my cookies (and I daresay I won't this entire pregnancy - because I am not a good vomiter). I have managed to combat the exhaustion by taking daily naps (which ended today since I am at the office but I am hanging in there). I have a little muffin top tummy bulge, but I can't figure out if that is because I have a grapefruit-sized uterus or because I have been eating every 2 hours to combat the nausea. I can't close my skinny jeans as of this weekend, but I still fit in most everything else. I still have a hard time concentrating on anything unrelated to pregnancy (at work, at home).
Up at the snow last week I was pulling Boy up a hill in an inner tube and seriously bit it. I landed flat out on my face. Thank goodness for my swollen boobs, which broke the fall and protected my belly. Boy thought it was hilarious! Boy and Girl have been having a very fun time thinking about Baby. They like to save things or make sure there is a third item "for the baby." They also try to guess whether Baby will be a girl or a boy. Wife and I asked Kids how they will know if Baby is a boy - I love the fact that Girl said Baby would not have a coochie. It is excellent that she doesn't see a coochie as absence of a penis.
Of course Girl wants a girl and Boy wants a boy -- and I am finally getting over not having twins in my belly. I am struggling to get over feeling like a lump. I have a hard time arguing with myself about whether to tough it out and fight through the nausea and exhaustion, or whether to rest and take it easy. When I push ahead, I just end up getting grumpy and snapping and I am no fun to be around. (I have shown particular lack of patience with the kids, especially when they are not listening, and I hate yelling at them when they are only being 3 year olds - but really, how many times do you need to be asked to get your socks on???) And when I rest I just feel like a wimp and that maybe I am missing something - and maybe I am just a big loser.
And of course I am avoiding thinking about Wife and how we are doing. Well, sometimes better than others. She has been taking on a lot more and I really appreciate it. Of course, when I tell her this she says she is not doing anything different - I am only now noticing it. But I have managed to realize that Wife is really down, she has gained a lot of weight recently and she is putting off taking care of herself. She talks about it, but hasn't started it yet. And although I hate making excuses (ok, that is not entirely true - I make excuses all the time - but I hate lame excuses), I don't think any work on "us" is going to get anywhere until she starts on "her," and I don't know that I can help that happen.
I had a dream last night that I was staying at a hostel that was suddenly taken over by an outlaw gang and all guests were held prisoner. I was single and young, and while I was upset and scared, it really wasn't that awful. At the beginning I plotted with some of the other prisoners about how to escape, but then we saw one guy who tried get shot and killed. So then I worked on getting on the guards' good side and I got a lot more privileges, like the ability to walk the common areas rather than being trapped in the stinky rooms. And at one point I was sitting in the lobby with another "guest" and one guard left the front door open. We looked at each other to see if we should make a run for it. Eventually I decided that it wasn't so bad where we were, and I wasn't going to risk it trying to get out. I remember feeling, as I said this in my dream, that this was not a good sign. That I had lost my will to fight for what I wanted and deserved. That I was complacent with being held a prisoner. This dream, which ended soon after the lobby incident by Girl waking up, has haunted me today. Not really sure what to do about it.
Well, I suppose there is a bit for me to write about, even if reluctantly.
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