It has been too long since I have written and I feel its impact. I need this opportunity to focus on how I am doing and check in with myself. And so I vow to try harder to make time...
But first let me give excuses for why I have been gone so long
(1) I was out of town for 5 days and I only blog at work. At this point, Wife knows I have a blog, but since I don't want her reading it or mentioning it to anyone (or reading it!!!), I think it is best something that I reserve for when I am not with my family.
(2) Work has been crazy busy. With my boss asking me to drop everything and work on a top priority, confidential project needed in a few hours, and then his boss coming in and telling me the exact same thing, only in regards to a different project that I am not supposed to mention even to my boss. So I am in a pickle doing twice as much secret last-minute work than I really should be. And this is leaving very little time for me to get my real work done, much less fun things like blogging.
(3) I am pregnant. This brings with it a lack of energy, a shifty mind and a bag-full of guilt. I know I need to get over it, but honestly I wonder if I should just start a new blog so I don't have to worry about the people who are still struggling with infertility reading my vapid complaints and thinking what a callous heel I am. I know, they don't have to read this. They are big girls and well, I have seen my stats - nobody is reading this anyway! And yet I found it so helpful to have this blog as I was working through trying to get pregnant, and I don't know how to transition that into a "happy blog" that chronicles the other side. For some reason, a part of me is not ready to let infertility go. Is that weird?
While I was out of town, I saw a boat-load of family. Immediate family, extended family, extended in-law family. It was awesome that (mostly) everyone already knew I was pregnant. I was so open about the IVF that word had spread, and it was pretty fun to celebrate over and over. I heard lots of "you are glowing!" and it felt fantastic. When asked how I was feeling, my standard response was "Nauseous, but not complaining. Still no vomiting and in a strange way, feeling icky is reassuring." Of course I also wore a dress that made my pooch stick out a little bit more (even if it is only gas at this point). And I wore my elastic maternity pants. Because I worked hard for this pregnancy and I am going to celebrate it - the whole nine months!
And then there was my brother-in-law's sister-in-law, who I know has had a hard time trying to get pregnant with her third kid. Something is up, but I don't know what, where IVF isn't an option. And of course I couldn't say anything because I am not really supposed to know, and instead I didn't have any clue what to say to her about anything. I just wanted to make it easier for you, or as easy as it could be when she is at a party with my sister (who is 8 months pregnant), her other sister-in-law (who has a 3-month old) and me (10 weeks along). I wish I hadn't known anything.
But back to celebrating. I am thinking about telling my boss soon, as in tomorrow. I think it will be so much more fun when I don't have to hide it at work. I was originally going to wait until after bonus decisions, but it was just confirmed that we have no money for bonuses this year (drat!). So I don't think there is any reason for me to wait. It might help them understand why I have been looking so green lately. Plus my office neighbor, who is the only one at work who does know, says my boobs are getting really big and she is worried it may be obvious. So that's the plan for tomorrow.
Other than that, I need to go take a nap. All this writing is exhausting!
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