So I have been spending an alarming number of my work hours reading blogs - and not just any blogs - blogs of people still battling infertility, still trying to conceive. And I was starting to get alarmed. Is this some sick side of me that isn't understanding that I am actually pregnant? Or worse, am I getting satisfaction out of out women's struggles and not being in that position anymore? I was so shamed by myself, only that didn't really feel like the reason. And I finally figured it out. Blogs about TTC are sadness often masked with humor. And I get those. I like those. I crave those.
I tried to read some "i am pregnant" blogs, but they are quite boring. Day 1: Nausea, Day 2: Nausea, Day 3: Nausea and Vomiting, etc. Plus there is the added pressure that if something happened to an incubating fetus on someone's blog, I would likely transfer the experience into fear and I really don't need that. And sure, a part of me is a little competitive: so-and-so is pregnant with twins and somehow she manages not to fall asleep by 8pm...what is wrong with me? So nope, the pregnant blogs aren't for me.
I also read a few of the parenting blogs, but they seem so fake. I was particularly drawn to twin parenting blogs, and of course there are a lot of them out there - but they are all so sugar-coated or they just skim the surface of crazy life with twins. I don't see anybody writing with the humor I crave about how they sometimes want to strangle their kids and move to Tahiti. I suppose that would be in poor taste to share with the world and might land someone with a visit from CPS.
So I remain reading the blogs of the infertiles. I am so thankful for their honesty, their strength, their moxie. I need a daily dose of Hope -- even though I do have an embryo implanted inside me, sometimes it is still really scary that it might not last - I need to be reminded that no matter what happens I am doing my best and I am not alone. So I will continue to look for new blogs to read and new lives to peer into - and I send many thanks.
I have often wondered the same thing, especially now that my family building struggle is over. I think there is a certain schaudenfreude risk, but that's probably true with most blogs.
ReplyDeleteThe reason I stay plugged in to this community is that I've never found another group of people who 'get it' in the way that these women do. When I was in the trenches, I was so touched when survivors continued to follow and support me. Now that I'm parenting, these are the people who I can turn to when it gets hard or ugly or... wonderful.