I am not truly crunchy-granola, but a big part of me wishes I were. I have just enough hippie in me that makes the thought possible. Perhaps if I grew up anywhere besides the sterile north suburbs of Chicago, I might have had a chance. Instead I am a mixed up blend of practicality, conformity and slight Earthiness. My thoughts about this upcoming birth have really brought this out in me.
I would love to ask for/plan for a home water birth. I want to celebrate the natural, primal experience of birth. But I can’t. There are just too many things that could go wrong, and I am not *that* trusting in the Universe and the power of Women Before Me. So I planned for a hospital birth with a midwife. I could still have that connection to the Line of Women’s Wisdom. I could be nurtured as I birthed, and although I viewed this as a compromise, I was pretty ok with it. Then the SCH, the bleeding and fear, and the recommendation that I get an OB. And I agreed. I want to do everything to help support healthy baby – doesn’t make sense to reject the vast knowledge of Western Medicine. And yet I feel as though an important part of what could be a natural process is slipping away.
But oh how I hate the word “natural” connected to pregnancy, conception or birth. I am upsetting myself as I type it, only I don’t know what other word to use to describe what I am trying to achieve. Maybe it really is a sadness that things didn’t and aren’t happening “naturally” and that pisses me off? Maybe it is old baggage of people asking if my older kids (twins) were natural – as if they are anything unnatural? Aha! I got it. My new word is organic. Of course my kids are organic, but they weren’t conceived organically – and neither is this new baby in me. Sure, of course (!!!) IVF-conceived children are just as valid, amazing, worthy, lovely, etc. as all other kids. Can I believe this and still be a little upset that the organic method of conception didn’t work for me? That too many doctors and test tubes and pipettes and petri dishes were involved in the making of this child? Happy for the technology, just not happy I had to use it.
And that is how I am feeling now about my birth plan. I am thankful that Western Medicine exists and has made a serious dent in mortality rates, etc. I just don’t want to use it. OK – I will go to the hospital, I will use an OB. But what am I going to do about the epidural???
A seriously large part of me would like to experience the birth of my child without intervention. The crunchy-granola way of Women Before Me. I know it is going to hurt. I mean, Hurt. But at the end of the day, it is a temporary state – and if others survived, I know I can too. But I know myself, and I think that I will probably get to a point in labor where practically will set in and I will realize that the Hurt is not worth it. That I am missing the true experience. I probably will use an epidural when it comes down to it. But I am just not ready to give up on my Earth Mother birth image yet.
And it might seem like I shouldn’t need to. I am only 26 weeks along – there is plenty of time to make this decision. But I have a dilemma. Wife wants me to have an epidural. She makes it very clear whenever we discuss the birth what her position is. And she thinks I am being ridiculous (!) to even consider not using an epidural. She points out that when I have a headache, I take aspirin; when I have knee surgery, I take Vicodin; why wouldn’t I use pain relief here? And I get that – she is not wrong. And yet this feels really different to me for some reason. In a yearning, primal way I cannot describe or defend. Which leads to the situation I am in now: needing to defend my desire without having the words. And needing to ask for her to support me, because if I am going to get through labor without an epidural, I am going to need her help. I am going to need (or maybe just really want?) someone to tell me I am doing great, that I can do it.
Which leads to the corollary dilemma: should I get a doula? If Wife is not going to be able to support my wishes, should I hire someone who will? But if I do that, am I creating an indelible wedge between Wife and me – a significant shared experience forever lost? Would I be able to forgive her for not being there for me? I think hiring a doula would be the short-term solution that would validate us as separate, as not a team. And that is not a good vibe for the birth of a child. But it would make sure I am supported and that I have important aspects of the birth experience I am searching for, no matter which way it goes. I think a doula would just help me be the one making some important decisions about my own body.
But if I want a doula, I need to get on it. The advantage of living in a crunchy community is that there are plenty of options out there – but I need to interview and reserve my place in the queue. I guess ultimately I need to weigh how important the birth experience is compared with the life experience. As I said earlier, labor is a temporary state – maybe it is not worth creating so much conflict over.
