I was talking with my sister yesterday - a really overdue catch-up since we haven't talked in about 4 weeks, which is long at this point in our lives - and while the conversation was fine, I was left with an uneasy feeling afterward. Really, anyone going through infertility should not be talking with a sister who is 4 years older (over 40) and pregnant with baby #6, conceived on CD6 - oops! But let me back up.
Last night I was telling Sister that I was having a hard time with balance. I wanted to do everything possible to support getting pregnant, but I was starting to feel overwhelmed with everything that I was doing. She said she understood, but at a certain point it is about managing stress, and if eating all the right (or crazy) things at the right (or crazy) time was creating more stress, then perhaps it wasn't worth it. And I agree. But what she doesn't really get, as an uber-fertile, is the possible guilt and blame that I will feel if I choose not to follow this new regimen and I don't end up pregnant. It is so hard to make the choice to take it easy, even though that sounds so obvious, because then it seems like I am slacking/not motivated (and possibly not deserving?). In my heart, I don't feel like the chia seeds or probiotics are doing anything for me. But I haven't yet completely confirmed that I will give them up (although it is likely).
The other thing Sister is trying to be helpful about but doesn't get...When she was trying for baby #5, she got pregnant on the third month of trying. This was the first time she didn't get pregnant on the first try. So now she understands how disappointing it can be to get a BFN. Yes. And No. I really appreciate the fact that she is trying to empathize with me - but really, does a BFN mean the same thing to somebody who got pregnant 4 times already, each from the first unprotected sex? I don't know, but I have to think that she was nowhere near the "it'll never happen" feeling the way I am. (And yes, I realize that I am walking a fine line because I already have Kids, so other people dealing with IF who don't have kids may be saying the same thing about me - but in my defense, I have kids though my wife, and while they really are my kids, I want to be pregnant and have kids through me - is that asking for too much?) And of course I can't blame Sister for not getting it - I wish nobody got it. But here I am tearing up because, truly, I am petrified that it'll never work. That I won't ever get pregnant, I won't get to feel life growing inside of me. That I don't have what it takes to be nourishing, to sustain and provide for a budding child.
Have I mentioned lately that I hate these hormones? What a pathetic worrier/downer/mess! Man I wish I could feel more positive!
On the other hand, I want to thank Sister for letting me talk. I think sometimes it is hard for her to be pregnant and hear me talk about wanting it so much. She knows she has it and I want it and yet it's not like she can share it. And it is nice to feel absolutely no hard feelings about her being pregnant. (I am actually a little surprised about how I am not jealous of pregnant women in general - I guess I know it is not like there are a finite number of pregnancies and what they have doesn't take away from me. I am jealous of people who blog about how much they LOVE their partner and are so blessed to be going through IF with their best friend, blah blah - ick! Kills me every time - but not what I want to write about now.)
Honestly, I think I need a break. Oh - I hate these hormones!
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