Thoughts on Wife

Oddly, I am very un-baby-minded today. I actually got work done at work (what a surprise!) I did not spend hours reading IF blogs, etc. And I don't really have much to say here now. On that subject anyway.

But I would like to clear my mind of thoughts regarding the other plague of my life right now: my often verbally abusive and otherwise mean wife. I need to say that I know my relationship with Wife is troublesome. Sometimes we get along great and I am so happy. I feel like I love her again. I can see us staying together happily. And sometimes, sadly oftentimes, this is not the case. So why do I want to have a baby with her? Certainly not to "save the relationship." No, I want to get pregnant because if I were on my own I would be doing it solo - it is the right time. And I believe that things can get better with Wife. And if they don't, I will leave her. But no matter what, she will be a great Mom to New Baby. Her being part of the process seems irrelevant in my mind.

But anyway, I discovered something while talking to my therapist today about Wife. It is highly likely that her abrasiveness is...I don't know exactly how to put it. Having spent time with her mom over Thanksgiving, it seems so much more clear to me that Wife had little choice than to create this harsh defensiveness around herself. And I think long ago she created this story of her mom being such a terrific mom to cover the fact that she was really neglected and criticized. She talks about how her mom worked 3 jobs just to put food on the table, and yet her mom also attended all of her high school softball games (who has time to do all that?) And her mom also stole food from the supermarket when they didn't have enough money to buy dinner, but why wouldn't they if she were working 3 jobs? And there is some very sketchy stories about an "uncle" doing very inappropriate things, but the details aren't really clear, including whether or not her mom knew about the "activity." I suppose I am writing this to recognize that Wife has created a way of being that works for her -- or worked for her. And instead of directly confronting her in a she-has-to-change way, it might be more productive to investigate whether this coping mechanism is serving her now. Oh, she is going to be so resistant! She does not like to talk about her emotions, she does not remember her childhood, she does not like to think that she could have "issues" to work on. But I think she is seriously depressed. And I don't think she likes being so cranky all the time. For my sake, I want her to feel better. I don't want to continue being the scapegoat or whipping-boy. But also for her sake, I want her to be happier. To feel better.

When talking with Therapist, I felt somewhat relieved discussing this, and somewhat overwhelmed. Relieved that, with a root to her actions and feelings, perhaps there is a way to alleviate the unpleasantness. Overwhelmed that I would have to approach the situation from the standpoint of caring about her. Because I am usually pretty tapped out on catering to her and positioning my opinion and presenting ideas "just so" and, basically, giving. I give to her a lot, probably too much. But after thinking about if this afternoon, I realized I do have a reserve of good will toward her. I do have more to give. And maybe it will help.

Of course, I still have to figure out the right time (and the right way) to approach this. I think now, with the holidays (and my loco Mom visiting tomorrow for Channukah) isn't the right time. But maybe the opportunity will present itself. And I will just have to keep my eyes and ears open.

In the meantime, I intend to get some work done.