Because I want IT

Today has been about tackling my inner demons regarding getting pregnant now. Multiple signs point to this not being the right time. And yet I persist. I want to be pregnant and I want to be pregnant now. Actually, when my acupuncturist asked, "Are you sure now is the best time to get pregnant?" I should have answered "No! The best time was three months ago, or even last year when we started trying - but this will do as a back-up plan."

I think I am still cranky.

I will continue to blame the hormones.

So back to my day. I met with an acupuncture/herbalist. He took a very detailed history (I don't think I have talked to anyone that much about my poo -- and I have 3-year-old twins so there is a lot of poo talk for competition -- but even so, today wins) and gave me a long prescription. Well, actually, first he asked if there was any way to push the transfer back, because he would love to work with me for longer than 3 weeks to really get my energy where it needs to be. Ouch! I am trying hard not to focus on the implied message - my energy is not going to be where it needs to be. Instead I am going to jump-start my Chi by doing the following:
- Eat dinner for breakfast: eat heartily in the morning, lots of red meat and soups with bone broths
- Drink an evening tea every night
- Take digestive enzymes with every meal
- Take probiotics with my prenatal and fish oil every evening
- Drink slippery chia seed water between meals
- Go to sleep earlier each evening
And honestly, when looking at this list, I wonder is this really going to make a difference? Will the embies implant because I have done these things? Will they not stick if I don't? All of a sudden I feel like I am behind the 8-ball and I have a lot of work to do, and perhaps if I don't get pregnant it will be my fault because I didn't go to sleep early enough or I ate too many "empty calories" or I just have crappy Chi. And really, he wanted more time anyway. And I said I want it now.

So then I rushed to lunch with a friend, which I was really looking forward to because it has been way too long since I sat with a friend, without distractions. Sadly we only had about 30 minutes because I had to run back to the office and actually do some work. So I didn't get to tell her how much I was struggling emotionally or explain how terrible I feel about being such a cranky, downer nellie. I didn't get to pick her brain about the Halloween party. I didn't get to say how much I appreciated her candor, even in asking me if now was the right time to get knocked up - and I feel a little bad for reacting kinda strongly. I am so happy that we met for the quick lunch, but I feel like it just picked at the tip of the iceberg and I have so much more I need to connect with someone on.

Part of me is just so confused right now. After our several at-home attempts and one IUI, it was somewhat of a relief for me to learn we had male factor infertility issues. It explained things for me - I didn't think I would have an issue getting pregnant, and then I had a nice little explanation that fit with my view of things. So when we did IVF I was so sure it would work. And then it didn't. Does this mean I have fertility issues? Does one failed IVF make me infertile, or just unlucky? I know, why does it really matter what label I wear? I don't know, but for some reason I am stuck on it. That and the fact that I have Kids, so shouldn't I be happy? Couldn't I be done? Am I just being greedy to try to get pregnant myself - to have my turn? Why am I going through all this emotional torture?

Because I want IT. And I want it now.

Please.