Man up!

I am back again today because I said I would, but I have nothing to report. I started the Estrogen yesterday and I have had the worst headache all day today. I hope they aren't related because I really don't want to spend the next several weeks feeling like this. I am sad, feeling unconnected, totally blah.

I am reading tons of websites/blogs (I really need to do more work!) and I keep running across other people say how hard it is to deal with infertility. Every time I read a sentence to that effect, a little part of my heart cries. I am trying so hard to be positive and say it doesn't matter - that I will be pregnant at some point. But really, I am emotionally spent. I have a much better understanding of what Wife went through 4 years ago when we did IVF for her. I honestly don't know how she coped because I know she didn't reach out to me, friends or the Internet. She kept everything inside, so it is no wonder she became a toxic mess. Then her struggles with breastfeeding only added to her self-doubt and emotional roller coaster. I only wonder if it is too late to reset her Mother/Provider meter. Is this the karmic lesson I am supposed to learn?

Overall I have to say that karma is kicking my ass. I thought it would be so easy for me to get pregnant - it isn't. I thought I would be able to obsess less about this FET - I can't. I am so out of balance right now. I am not connected with friends, I am ready to kill Wife, I am barely doing my job and I feel like crap. I even got mad a t Kids last night for not falling asleep, and I had been doing so much better about not getting mad at them! My boss just came into my office a little while ago to check in on me - he sensed I was stressed and just wanted to see if I was alright. That was really nice of him. It wins him brownie points even if I still think he stinks as a boss and he makes my work life so much harder. But it does get him something.

I seriously need a night off. I wonder if I could call home and request some alone time. How much whoop-ass would that raise? Should I do it anyway? I know it would be better for both of us in the long run. And I know it is a sad, sad sign that I am afraid to ask Wife if I can come home late. Come on Me, man up! (Wish me luck...)