Boo hoo - I have a cold

There is nothing new to report since I am seriously sidelined by a nasty cold. I miss my Nyquil! But really, not complaining. Not nauseated today, and given the choice I think I would take runny nose over nausea.

About to go out with Wife and friends for "drinks." Will try very hard not to appear bored. Mustering up energy to fake being interested in Wife. I know that sounds callous and harsh, which is why I write it hear instead of saying it. I really really want to love her, but I just can't seem to these days. I spent over an hour this morning listening to her yell at Kids to stop yelling! Yes, they are obnoxiously loud these days, but I guarantee she wouldn't have seen the contradiction in her actions. But overall we have done a better job of not fighting this week. I just wonder if it is because I am avoiding issues and not speaking up for myself or if it is because we are making progress on not pissing each other off. Too soon to call.

Meanwhile gearing up for a busy weekend and resting as much as possible. Trying not to think too hard about the ultrasound next Thursday, which seems like an eternity away. So sad it had to be rescheduled from Tuesday. Would love to know how many are in there. I think I am going to be sad if there isn't two. But if I were honest, two would not be good for us. Twins is hard. Really hard. And 4 kids is a lot of kids. I know that our lives would be so much easier if we were to have a singleton. But part of me loves the fact that my Kids have each other in a way that can't be reproduced for a singleton. And part of it is selfish -- I want to belong to the twin group through direct experience.Why? I don't know. I get that I belong, that I am very involved with raising twins, and that is its own challenge. But I wonder what it would be like to be pregnant with twins. I mean, if being pregnant is an amazing experience, I can only imagine what being pregnant with twins must be like. And yet, I know twins would not be the best for me or for my family. And ultimately what is, is. So I will try over the next few days to consider removing disappointment as a possible response no matter what we see next week.

Next Goals

So I am finally starting to accept the idea that I am pregnant - and that fear about something happening to this pregnancy is just not productive. So instead I am refocusing my attention to two things: eating well and addressing my relationship with Wife. [And as a result, I am pretty sure this blog will no longer be of interest to anyone from the IF world. Just saying....]

So for (1): I feel like I am eating all the time. And I am okay with this in that it makes me feel much better, and I understand gaining weight is part of being pregnant. The funny thing is that I am usually so totally unperturbed by my weight, and I generally run about 10-15 pounds over "ideal" weight. I am a good size 10, and nobody would call me skinny or fat. But over the last year, for some reason (probably stress from trying to get pregnant), I lost 10 pounds. And I like how it looked on me. Even more important, I like how my clothes were so much more comfortable! But yes, I gained that 10 pounds right back during the fresh IVF cycle, the weight came right off when the cycle didn't work/the hormones wore off, but it came right back on during FET cycle. So I am starting the pregnancy up 10 pounds. And now I am supposed to spend all day eating? Isn't that going to wreak total havoc with my weight? Isn't it true that at the beginning you aren't supposed to gain much weight? How does this happen if I am munching on saltines and ginger cookies all the time? If I am going to be eating all day, I want to be sure I am eating nutritious foods and I would like not to pack on too many pounds before the critter (or critters) need the extra calories. So I have to figure out what that means.

And for (2): I don't really have a plan for this one, but I want to formally acknowledge that I need to work on it and that I am not ignoring the issue. I finally feel more hormonally stable, even if I feel like crap energetically, and it is time for me to stand up for myself. I wish I didn't see it becoming adversarial but I have a strong sense that is unavoidable. Wife's defensive ways are so ingrained, she is all about fault and blame, all the time. But this is not my fault and I am not to blame. And I don't deserve the attitude and tone she gives me. So first item: read The Verbally Abusive Relationship and see what that brings up. Lots of "stuff" for posts I suppose.

Thoughts on Wife

Oddly, I am very un-baby-minded today. I actually got work done at work (what a surprise!) I did not spend hours reading IF blogs, etc. And I don't really have much to say here now. On that subject anyway.

But I would like to clear my mind of thoughts regarding the other plague of my life right now: my often verbally abusive and otherwise mean wife. I need to say that I know my relationship with Wife is troublesome. Sometimes we get along great and I am so happy. I feel like I love her again. I can see us staying together happily. And sometimes, sadly oftentimes, this is not the case. So why do I want to have a baby with her? Certainly not to "save the relationship." No, I want to get pregnant because if I were on my own I would be doing it solo - it is the right time. And I believe that things can get better with Wife. And if they don't, I will leave her. But no matter what, she will be a great Mom to New Baby. Her being part of the process seems irrelevant in my mind.

But anyway, I discovered something while talking to my therapist today about Wife. It is highly likely that her abrasiveness is...I don't know exactly how to put it. Having spent time with her mom over Thanksgiving, it seems so much more clear to me that Wife had little choice than to create this harsh defensiveness around herself. And I think long ago she created this story of her mom being such a terrific mom to cover the fact that she was really neglected and criticized. She talks about how her mom worked 3 jobs just to put food on the table, and yet her mom also attended all of her high school softball games (who has time to do all that?) And her mom also stole food from the supermarket when they didn't have enough money to buy dinner, but why wouldn't they if she were working 3 jobs? And there is some very sketchy stories about an "uncle" doing very inappropriate things, but the details aren't really clear, including whether or not her mom knew about the "activity." I suppose I am writing this to recognize that Wife has created a way of being that works for her -- or worked for her. And instead of directly confronting her in a she-has-to-change way, it might be more productive to investigate whether this coping mechanism is serving her now. Oh, she is going to be so resistant! She does not like to talk about her emotions, she does not remember her childhood, she does not like to think that she could have "issues" to work on. But I think she is seriously depressed. And I don't think she likes being so cranky all the time. For my sake, I want her to feel better. I don't want to continue being the scapegoat or whipping-boy. But also for her sake, I want her to be happier. To feel better.

When talking with Therapist, I felt somewhat relieved discussing this, and somewhat overwhelmed. Relieved that, with a root to her actions and feelings, perhaps there is a way to alleviate the unpleasantness. Overwhelmed that I would have to approach the situation from the standpoint of caring about her. Because I am usually pretty tapped out on catering to her and positioning my opinion and presenting ideas "just so" and, basically, giving. I give to her a lot, probably too much. But after thinking about if this afternoon, I realized I do have a reserve of good will toward her. I do have more to give. And maybe it will help.

Of course, I still have to figure out the right time (and the right way) to approach this. I think now, with the holidays (and my loco Mom visiting tomorrow for Channukah) isn't the right time. But maybe the opportunity will present itself. And I will just have to keep my eyes and ears open.

In the meantime, I intend to get some work done.

Nice/Not-Nice

So my goal is to write every day weekday workday in November. I think it will help me stay sane - and I need something so I don't kill leave Wife. Plus Kids aren't sleeping again and we are oh so tired. And the Lupron is making me headache-y and tired and cranky.

So today I want to comment on Wife's ability to upset me with a simple comment or question. I just don't understand how we can communicate so differently, and I certainly don't know what to do about it. I don't want to tell her how to talk or what she is allowed or supposed to say. But I also don't want her to continue talking to me the way she is, because it just upsets me. There is a nice way and a not-nice way to get the same point across. Guess which way she uses...

Nice: Are you feeling ok?
Not-Nice: Why are you so cranky?

Nice: What's wrong?
Non-Nice: What's wrong with you?

Nice: Is something the matter?
Not-Nice: Why are you being such an ass?

Nice: Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?
Not-Nice: Why don't you just go home?

Nice: Do you have another headache?
Not-Nice: Why do you have that look on your face?

The list goes on. But I won't.

Can I Let it Go?

A few days ago (two days ago to be exact) I tried to make the resolve to be happy. To recognize that I have a lot to be happy about, and I can focus on that rather than dwell on what is not going well or worse yet, what might not go well.
It is amazing how a morning with two dogs, two cats and two 3.5 year olds can sap that resolve right out of you. Instead I have spent the morning wondering how I got in this situation. (I should have gotten rid of the demanding, farting, barfing animals years ago.) And will my children always be this whiny? Why do they break down and cry so much? Am I doing something wrong? Did I make a bad choice letting Wife stay home and take care of them? Because she is not the brightest bulb, so it is no surprise that they are not the smartest children. I get all wrapped up -- they are still young and they don't need to know their letters or sounds or even their numbers (which they used to know but don't anymore) yet. What they need is a desire to learn -- which I am not sure they have. OK, they don't even need that. They can be less-smart children and do fine. It is just harder that way. But seriously, how can I expect them to flourish with someone who didn't know New Jersey was a state, who doesn't know the colors in a rainbow and can't remember if the time change to Chicago is "up" or "down" even though we go there at least once a year and often more. BUT! There are smart people who come from less-than-inspiring parents all the time, and the reverse is true too --- so why am I stressing about this???
I know it is ridiculous. I know there is nothing I want to do about it (I don't believe in shoving learning down kids' throats). Can I just let it go? I am going to blame this freak-out on the Pill and Lupron. Woo hoo!

Woohoo!

I made it through another work day without testing. This is a big feat for this Bad At Waiting gal. I think I am going to test tomorrow morning though.

Meanwhile, preparing for a session with Wife and Counselor. Not sure if I should toe the party line and say things are fine or open a can worms that will surely land me feeling Lonely and Angry. At this exact moment, things with Wife are fine. I feel Lonely and Ok. That is better than Lonely and Angry. But to break out of Lonely I am going to need to reestablish a connection, which may require uglier days before it gets better. I just don't know if I have the energy for it.

On a brighter note, I ran across some thoughts on Equal Parenting (I'll add a link when I figure out how) that really intrigued me. That opened my mind to me role as parent, teaching and parenting, while I am at work. Parenting is not only done when you are with the kids. So I am definitely going to look into that more and how it could help me feel better about the roles Wife and I play.

Sleep Issue 1, Mom 0

Really I shouldn't even pretend to keep score because the true tally would be so far out of my favor. Incredibly unbalanced towards Kids. Things had been going better. I had been able to get both Kids to sleep in about 40 minutes, without losing my temper. I had a good thing going where I repeated to myself "Your job is just to be here for them. They will fall asleep eventually. Your role is not to get mad - stay calm."

But something changed last week when both kids were sick and not sleeping well, and now neither is falling asleep without serious effort. They just don't want to sleep. (I don't think they are doing enough during the day, especially with Wife feeling sick so they watch a lot of tv and hang out at the house.) So they are not quite tired enough? or maybe it is a growth spurt or maybe them falling asleep relatively easily for a few weeks was just a fluke. Either way, things suck now. And still, I was doing a good job of not getting mad, staying calm and seeing it through. I can handle 30 minutes pretty easily. Around 40 minutes my blood does start to boil, though, and I wonder how I can actually DISLIKE my kids so much? Why won't they just stuck the F up, close their eyes and go to sleep? Why do they push me so much? It literally drives me batty and yet today, I was doing such a great job of not reacting, not getting caught up in it. And so it escalated. When Boy didn't get a reaction out of me, he stepped it up a notch. He started screaming for me, whining, begging and pleading for a new shirt. I maintained my calmness and told him "night night" like they say. "Don't engage - say nothing or night night" But this just made him more mad, and his pleading took on a tortured edge. He finally calmed down from the frantic begging to ask me more calmly for a new shirt. And I did what I thought was right - I laid him back down, gently (even though I wanted to wring his neck) and did not engage. I sat by his bed while he screamed and cried. And that is where I was when Wife came in their bedroom and asked what I was doing. Told me Boy had screamed and asked nicely and I needed to respond to him. So I left the bedroom and told her she could do it her way. Her response? I don't remember the exact words, but something along the lines of "No, I am not doing it. But you better do it my way or I am going to come in and undermine you again." At this point both Kids are screaming for Wife, and I think I can try to get them to sleep, but the second I walk in the bedroom I know I am going to lose it with them and I don't want to do that. I don't want to yell at them any more. I don't want to end the day mad at them and them knowing I am mad and unhappy with them. So I tell them I love them, it is time to go to sleep and I leave the room. I go in our bathroom because I don't know what else to do. I hear Wife go in with the Kids, so I go for a walk. I needed to get out. It felt good.

But honestly, I just don't know what to do. I have no F-ing clue what I am doing, and I am so sick of getting nailed for trying. I know I don't like how things are. I don't like how things have been. I can't say I have been parenting consistent with my parenting philosophy, and I have no clue if Wife even has an idea how she wants to parent. Well, maybe she has an idea but I seriously doubt that she cares about not being a better parent. I don't think she has a problem with yelling at the Kids. I don't think she has a problem with belittling them. She clearly does not have a problem with bribery or getting them to listen only when a Token is involved. And she is terribly overprotective. And rigid and controlling. And for all her love, she is not very nurturing. She is not very supportive. She thinks the world of Kids, and danger to anyone (including me) who tries to criticize them. But she doesn't really build their esteem very much. Instead she holds them back - doesn't let them try new things and experience successes and failures.

A friend emailed me this evening - we were possibly watching her twins for a night while she and her wife celebrated their anniversary. She declined our offer. (Granted, she got a better offer. Another friend is going to stay at her house so her kids can be in their own beds, etc. But something tells me she shopped for this better solution.) But the truth is, I don't blame her. I don't know how I would feel leaving my kids in our house. That's a pretty bad sign. But what am I going to do about it? Well, as my accupuncturist would say, that is the question you need to sit with until you have the answer. Sitting. Sitting.

Cold night

So last night I went to a friend's house in the evening, after all kids were asleep, and normally this would have been a rejuvenating event - a reconnection that almost always makes me feel instantly better. Instead I feel like a dud. I was boring, critical, dwelling on sad things - just not somebody I would want to be around. I really hope this is a result of the IVF-hormones. Please don't let this be the new me. What scares me is that this is the second time it has happened with this particular friend. So maybe there is something boring about the friendship - where we are not yet at the point where we can call each other on the crap we spew (we have only known each other about a year). Or maybe we won't get to that point? Urgh - I hate the emotional strangle-hold I feel under.

Because when I got home, my wife was sitting on the couch, which is right next to the front door, and when I came in the house, she didn't even say hi. And this made me to sad/pissed me off! And then when I said hi and tried to engage her, I noticed that the dog was on the couch. So we just moved to a new house (rental - bummer!) a few weeks ago, and one change that I have been trying hard to implement is not letting the dogs go on the couch anymore. I am sick of the couch and pillows and blankets smelling like dog. Apparently I am the only one. So last night when I see Wife with dog and I say, "What is Dog doing on the couch?" and Wife replies "It's not a big deal - she hasn't been feeling well" this just sent me over the edge of Sometimes-I-Can't-Stand-My-Wife. Seriously. She could have apologized. She could have explained her decision to let Dog on the couch. She could have made a joke. Instead she cut my position off - she has no intention of respecting my preference that Dog does not sit on the couch. So I took the "mature" route of ignoring her, which turned into not talking to her, which turned into her not talking to me and it was a COLD night at our place.

Taking the Plunge

I have been debating starting a blog for at least 6 months. I recently started reading a lot of strangers' blogs, and I am mildly addicted. But I really just need to start writing about what I am feeling, what I am stressing about and what insights I have. I talked myself out of this for so long - I don't exactly have anything to say that hasn't been said before, and better - but I finally realized last night, in the hazed euphoria after eating "special cookies," that I need to write for myself. This is my record, my log, my secret place.

But I wonder, can I really remain anonymous? Can I write honestly and openly what I really feel without fear that somebody I care about will read it and be hurt? Can I change the names of all participants, all streets, all restaurants, etc to maintain my cover? I have to believe that nobody is going to search out this blog, and that I can stay secret. (If you happen to be reading this and you are experienced with blogging, please PLEASE let me know if I am making a terrible mistake with this assumption.)

So quick snapshot of my life: Top of mind right now, every second of every day, is the IVF cycle that I am in the middle of. In fact, I have only 1 more injection to go (a big one) and then just 36 hours until my egg retrieval. I am so hopeful and so terrified at the same time. Yes, I want to have a baby and I want to be pregnant - but my marriage is not where I would have chosen it to be. I want to love my wife, but most of the time I find her very mean, insensitive, boring or clueless.

It is the meanness that gets to me most. She is just not nice. And I can't figure out how much is the effects of the multiple hormones I have been injecting into myself for the past 3 weeks, and how much is true. Several months (a year?) ago, I was seriously debating leaving her. We went to therapy (are still in therapy) and things got a ton better. Eventually I got very optimistic that our relationship didn't have to be so bitter and tricky. So I made the decision to stick it out, to continue working on it, to commit to us. Now I question whether it was the right choice to bring another child into the sometimes toxic family.

Yes, I did say another child. We have two kids already, twins - one girl, one boy - who are almost three and a half. They are a handful right now - just about anything sends them into meltdown. If I accidentally bring their juice into the living room for them, tears, whining and crying. If I suggest we go to the store, one gets excited and the other breaks down in tears, whining and crying. Nap time...tears, whining and crying. Driving me insane! I know their former versions, who were incredibly lovable and playable and fun and silly, are in there somewhere, but they have been overrun by cranky, tired, unhelpful beasts. Again, hormones not helping with my patience, so sadly I am angry around them too much. Got to avoid kids for their sake.

Have I mentioned that I am in the middle of IVF? I am having a really hard time concentrating at work - can't get anything done because all I want to do is read things on the Internet about IVF. What chances do I have of this working? Where should all my hormone levels be? Am I having normal body aches or am I getting sick or what is going on with my body? But mostly, will I get pregnant (please) and how many babies will I bring into this world? (And will I be a good mama to this child/these children? etc.)

But speaking of work, I am going to try to get back at it. Maybe more tonight or hopefully tomorrow.