Giving Thanks to the Blog

For whatever reason, last night was tough. By the time I crawled into bed with Wife I was mopey. And yet again, I became sadder from failed communication with Wife. Here is our conversation:

Her: How are you?

Me: Fiiiiine (in totally passive I-am-not-really-fine, 5-syllable way)

Pause. Silence. And I realize she is not going to ask me to expand, and because I am trying to get out of expecting her to do things that aren’t in her nature, and if I want to connect with her more, I am going to have to reach out, I decide to risk it.

Me: I am worried – I don’t feel pregnant.

Her: Don’t. Don’t.

Pause. Silence while I think about whether I want to react to her “support” or just keep talking and tell her why I don’t feel pregnant. And while I am still contemplating my options….

Her: You should just think positively. The mind is really powerful. You need to stay positive. Good night.

So there I was in bed feeling totally alone and really, really sad. But then I remembered my blog. And how I could write about how I was feeling, and why I was feeling that way, and a whole multitude of other things. And I was so grateful for this blog. So here goes:

I am feeling scared. I am really worried that I am not pregnant again. My “symptoms,” which I presume are really side-effects of the progesterone, are spotty at best. Sometimes I am really nauseated, but not so much recently. I am getting pangs and cramps in my lower abdomen, but I got those last time too. My boobs don’t hurt. (Yes, one of my symptoms is a lack of symptom – so sue me!) And perhaps most importantly, I am not insanely tired. I was exhausted the first few days after transfer. Now I stay awake until 11 and still have trouble falling asleep. This stinks! 

I don’t feel positive anymore. I keep trying to remind myself that Maybe is a possibility. There is no need to feel Yes or No – but I am having such a hard time staying there! I have 4 more days. Yes, I do have to say that even with this little snit, I am still doing much better than last cycle. Overall I am much calmer. But crap – I just wish it would work so I could be pregnant already!!!