Fear of Optimism - what's that about?

So it has been a few days since posts, mostly because I have had big problems getting out of my head. I am so consumed with the idea of being pregnant, the fear of not being pregnant, the anxiety of both. In some ways I wish I were able to be the stoic type who kept it all in, but no, I have a big mouth. So I have told everyone and their brother (except for at work) that I am trying to get pregnant, which means that I kinda set myself up - kinda. Everyone wants an email on Wednesday (tomorrow!) when I pee on a stick. The official blood test by the doctor isn't until Friday. But the doctor said a HPT might be accurate on Wednesday. Of course I am an inpatient fool so I peed on a stick yesterday. It was negative. I was devastated. I don't know what to think now. Wife says I am still acting weird and she knows I am pregnant. Acupuncture-clairvoyant acted as though I were pregnant. Am I? I am SOOO bad at waiting. I am talking rally, really bad. I can't sleep. I can't work. I should have just taken this week off.

So then I got to thinking about how I finally feel physically ok - which of course scares me, maybe I am not pregnant because I no longer feel anything different - and I am already into my next complaint. I was feeling so awfully uncomfortable last week. Just crazy yucky. And it seems like ages ago. A lot has happened in the last two weeks. Two weeks ago I took my last stim shot - I was still growing eggs! So maybe I need to cut myself some slack and S L O W down. I can see myself going through the entire pregnancy jumping from one complaint to another and getting to the end and realizing I forgot to enjoy it. How sad!

So I am going to attempt a shift of perspective. I would like to capture the moment as I am experiencing it, to still be honest and not just fluff, but I would SOOO love it if I were able to recognize the good parts of the experience too. (Disclaimer: this idea scares the crap out of me. I don't know why I am having that reaction. My first reaction was I don't know how to do this. But I realized that I do have the capacity to do it. I am resourceful and I can figure out a way if I am committed to it. And then whoosh - fear. What is that about?)