The last few days I have been feeling rather blah. And I don't like blah. Previously I had just started feeling happy - and that was a lot of fun. I was feeling engaged and energized and productive...well, not so much anymore. But what worries me most about feeling blah is what could possibly come next - feeling crappy. I am working hard to stave off feeling crappy.
So I invested some serious time into looking at what has changed. Wish I had a clear answer. For some reason, I just seem really sensitive right now. And alone. I don't feel like I have anyone in my corner. Which is ridiculous, since nobody has said anything to me or done anything...I know this is coming from me. But can I change it?
I spent the weekend with my family visiting a friend and her family. She has a son just a little older than the Kids and twins that are slightly older than 1 year. She set me up with an awesome maternity wardrobe. (It was like Christmas!) But the visit was otherwise "less than" and that makes me sad. I just felt like she didn't see me the whole time - one example: when I was trying on clothes she was telling me to take a particular shirt because it was going to be great at the end of my pregnancy. And I said it felt comfortable, but I really didn't see myself wearing it (colors, stripes, cut, etc.). No, no she insisted I take it because I will absolutely love it. And I am wondering doesn't my opinion matter? And I felt caught - I was getting a TON of FREE clothes - I should just take the shirt and be grateful (which is what I did) - but in the process I felt completely ignored and unvalidated. Should this matter? Probably not. But for some reason I am having a hard time getting over it.
Truth is I expect this type of behavior from Wife. She is notorious for discounting my feelings. My mom? Also very good at ignoring my feelings. Which is why I look for support from friends. So after overlooking Wife's reactions, and finally standing up for myself in regards to my mom, I am just deflated that I have to search out different friends to listen to me. Man - I just want somebody to look at me and say they care how I am doing. I hate feeling like such a burden for needing this, but I do. I am so tired and scared and stressed about work and providing for my family financially and physically and emotionally, and knowing that I am doing a pretty crappy job on all those fronts right now. Urgh - I hate feeling blah!
So I pay people to support me. I had Acu-therapy yesterday. Sadly the treatment was short-lived because I showed up at work directly after wards and was thrown into a HUGE firedrill that derailed any feelings of ease. The day sucked. And now I can't even remember the wise words Acupuncturist helped me realize. And they were brilliant! All I remember is that I am at another crossroads and she seems to think I have it in me to prevail. That I am getting close to a Deep Truth if I follow the right path.
Damn I feel unstable. Can I blame this on pregnancy hormones?
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