Managing My Mom

I can't tell if this post is a congratulations to myself for doing something really hard, a confessional of a bad daughter or an admission of failure. So I am going to "flow" it out and see where I land...

So several months ago, as in January, my mom talked about renting a house where we live for the month of August so she could be here when Baby is born. This idea was not pleasing to me. Ok, I'll be honest - there was a part of me that was happy, touched that she would consider doing this. That I was possibly important to her. But the other part of me, a much larger part, was petrified by the idea. It is no coincidence that I live 2,000 miles away from her.

So in typical Me fashion, I laughed off the offer and ignored it. Then last month she mentioned it again, but this time she was making reservations for summer concert tickets and she was confirming dates for the trip - she had woken me from a nap and caught me completely off guard. I tried briefly to see why she wanted to come for so long and she told me it was really important to her to be at the hospital when I was in labor, so she could be among the first to see little one. I made it very clear she was not invited in the L&D room. She said she was ok with this. She wanted to help take care of Kids while Wife and I were in the hospital. She just wanted to be there, and since we don't know when Baby will show up, she thought a window of 3-4 weeks should be good. Well, I wanted to go back to sleep and I really wasn't sure what I could say, so I ok'd her dates (Aug 1-Aug 24) and agreed to look into finding her a place to stay. Then I broke the news to Wife, who was equally unhappy but figured "we will get through this like all other visits."

Then I had several weeks to understand the implications of my mom being here for 3 weeks. This is not a nice lady. And as I am getting ready to welcome Baby into this world, I am going to have to battle, yes battle, my mom and her attacks on my esteem. I find it very difficult to stay centered, positive, even prioritized around her. She breaks me down and not only knows all my easy buttons, she pushes them regularly. Then I talked with my sister, who lives less than an hour from our mom, who has labored 6 times, and who said that our mom is not great about staying in the waiting room, even when explicitly told she is not welcome in the L&D room. She will come in during non-active labor and again during after birth "stuff" (aka stitching). And this is NOT how I want my birth experience to be. So I started to dread my mom's visit, but I felt pretty stuck about it.

Well, I received lots of advice from qualified people (aka therapists - mine and ours/Wife's/mine) that I should really deal with this - talk with my mom and offer an alternative. So last Saturday I had a chance. She called when I was in the car with Wife and Kids and she was making plane reservations. She had already looked into places to stay and had a few leads. Again - cue "stuckness" for me. I tried to gingerly see what she had found out, but instead I chickened out, told my mom I couldn't talk right now (and it was a little hectic in the car) and that I would call her back. Which I did about 5 minutes later, after a little pep talk from Wife, knowing Wife was ther listening. So I said, "Mom, I know you talked about coming in August and being here when Baby is born, but it would be so much more helpful to us if you were able to come in September, after the Baby has gone through the "honeymoon" phase and when we are starting to figure out what life with 3 kids is like. You did this with the older Kids and it was really helpful. Do you think that is a possibility?" Breathe, breathe. And she responded pretty well. She "threatened" that coming in September would be a shorter trip, and that maybe she would stay with us instead of renting a place, but overall she seemed ok with the idea. I was feeling like it was a huge success - I asked for what I wanted and she accepted it. It was short-lived.

A few hours later I got an email from her: "Got a nice response from an apartment for resnting the whole month of August." That was the entire message. My response...WTF? Didn't we just talk about coming in Sept? Pulease, do I really have to go through this again? I thought about accepting it and having her come in August, I thought about acknowledging her email and trying to talk her out of it, I thought about ignoring it altogether...but instead I responded in kind: "I thought we were talking about Sept now." and nothing else. Her response: "We need to talk." I so suck at this confrontation thing! But I didn't procrastinate this time. I called her almost immediately. I stated my case (that it would be so much more helpful for us to have her here in Sept). I told her I understood that she really wanted to be here when Baby was born, but the more likely scenario is that she is here for several weeks without Baby, then only a few days with him, whereas in Sept he will definitely be here. I asked what her concerns were - she shared how upset she was 4 years ago when she came after Kids were born. How we treated her like a guest or visitor and she wants to be part of the family and she wants to take the Kids places alone and have us lean on her more and NEED her. How this has been upsetting her for 4 years so this was our chance to make it up to her. She thinks if she were here longer, with a place of her own nearby, she will suddenly become part of our everyday lives and we will mesh and be joyful. The Kids will be so excited to go over to Nana's place and love will abound. Blah-de-blah-blah.

I listened. But I didn't cave in. I still asked her to come in Sept. We awkwardly ended the conversation. I did text her a little later suggesting that she consider staying a little longer in Sept so she would have more time to bond with Kids and Baby. I didn't hear anything from her.

It seems like she will come in Sept, but not happily. I "win" but I feel like I have lost. And secretly, in the back of my head, I am so terrified about possibly needing her in August. What if Baby is in NICU for weeks and we need someone who can look after Kids while we try to juggle all that? Hmm...I think I have to play that one out. If Baby were in NICU, I do not think having my mom here would make me feel better. Ok, either way, Sept is better than August.

But I didn't want it to end on such a sour note. So this morning I called my mom. I said that I was concerned about how we left things, that I thought her feelings were hurt and I didn't want her to feel bad about coming out and being so nice and helpful. (Or something like that.) She said she really appreciated the call. She had been having a lot of talks with her husband about it - he suggested she do what we were asking, she said she felt (and I quote) "bossed around." [Oh yeah, that's right - I asked for something that I wanted, and it was bossing my mom around - thank goodness for years of therapy that I can finally see how messed up that is!] Anyway, call ended on a much better note between us. I think she is feeling better about coming in Sept.

So one final note because I can't seem to just let this go...I don't know if I did the right thing today. On the one hand, I am really proud of myself for sticking with my plan. I supported what I wanted and now I have absolutely no guilt feelings about it. Whew! On the other hand, I think I played into her neediness and drama by reaching out to her. Did I give her too much consideration and thereby validate her reaction? And by doing so, did I compromise my position and right to ask for something I actually want?

What a long-winded way to say that I am feeling very confused right now...happy in the outcome (I think), scared that the outcome could still change any minute, happy that I finally asked for something for me, sad that it had to be so hard, embarrassed that I care what my mom thinks of me (knowing what a skewed perspective she has) and even mad at myself for spending so much time on this!