Have you ever been so cranky it scares you? You know that you are going to be impatient and short with the next person who speaks to you? And you don't know how to get over it? That is me right now.
I have to get it together. I am in serious need of a break - from work, from my family, from responsibility. Is it ok to say I need a break from my family? I am so busy doing what I need to do or have to do that I am not able to enjoy anything. And this is a problem. I need to step off for a moment so I can figure out what I want to do - and I can't figure out how to take the time I need to do this. I feel as though I am spinning, and it is getting faster and faster, and I know that soon I am going to fly off and that it will not be pretty. Who knows where I am going to land and how much it will hurt. Do I just jump now, before I start going even faster? Or do I just hold on and hope that eventually "the ride" ends on its own?
I have been reading a lot of other blogs, mostly parents of twins, and I think I need to stop for 2 reasons: (1) I need the time to focus on my life rather, and (2) reading them makes me feel less by comparison. Seriously, how can a mom of twins plus 1, all under 3, have time to make a wonderful anniversary video on top of Positive Discipline and Equally Shared Parenting? Today is Wife's birthday, and I know I dropped the ball on the celebration. My gift was impersonal (she would have wanted a photo collage or movie - both ideas I started but failed to finish), my card bland (I just don't have the love for her flowing right now), the cake icky (I accidentally bought the sugar free mix) and the activity non-existent (I wanted to take her zip-lining but waited too long to make reservations so the tours are all sold out). I am such a lame and terrible Wife!
I have a list of other "family responsibility" items I need to do and I just keep adding to it - at some point I am going to actually have to do them. But I don't have the energy. I don't have the motivation. I am so blah! Really need to snap out of it!
So here is my action plan:
(1) Pick 3 things from my To Do list to accomplish THIS AFTERNOON.
(2) Find birthday weekend activity and purchase tickets (and this doesn't count as something from To Do list).
(3) Think of one more fun and personal birthday gift to bring home to Wife.
(4) Take 20 minutes before going home to have a short "me" time.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Mixed Bag
First off, I want to say that I am actually really proud of how well I am coping. Of course I know that finding out one is not pregnant is not the end of the world. There are SOO many worse things. But I tend to be pretty depressive, and I thought I would be quite bad off if this thing happened. Which it did. And I am ok.
I guess that is what karma is about - teaching you the lesson you needed to learn. That I can be just fine even upon this big disappointment. That it isn't the end of the world. And we will just try again next month.
Aha! So there is the rub. I was caught off-guard by another disappointing sock in the gut this morning, after getting Aunt Flo (with an souped-up over-hormone vengeance) when I called the IVF clinic. Last Friday, when they gave me the news that the test was negative, I asked when we could try again with the frozen embryos (aka my future babies - yes, I said babies. I think it is just better to go with that thought now, but I digress...) Anyway, the doctor said we could tr right away, there was no need to wait, I should call as soon as I got my period.
So for some reason, I got in my head the idea that we could try again in 2 weeks - at the time I would ovulate. Sure, thinking about it now, that assumption does seem pretty silly. Why do I need to ovulate? We are putting already fertilized embryos into me. We don't need to match my cycle - of course! I can say this now! But it really came as a bit of a shock this morning when I found out that they will "write up a calendar" to prepare for a transfer in 6-8 weeks. 6-8 weeks? That sucks! I really thought I would have another chance in 2 weeks. Now I have to start birth control pills (BCP) and then the Lupron and then who knows what else. I am so bummed about this!
Well, I read that some people do "natural" Frozen Embryo Transfers (FET) without the BCP and shots - just wait until your body is ovulating so that your uterus is doing what is would naturally to get ready for the embryo. I really like this idea. I am seriously considering talking to the clinic to see if it is a possibility. Part of my worries about "wasting" the precious embryos - if I only have 8 should I prep and prime myself as much as possible (that is, using lots of drugs), or should I put faith in my body to do what it needs to do on its own? I want to trust my body to have everything that it needs. But (and this is actually a big BUT) there is a high probability that my body would be naturally ovulating on the day or weekend of Wife's marathon that she has been training for for over 2 months. So maybe I go the druggie route. Oooh, I am so not looking forward to the Lupron. And it means we could be in December before I get to try again. Crap!
I guess that is what karma is about - teaching you the lesson you needed to learn. That I can be just fine even upon this big disappointment. That it isn't the end of the world. And we will just try again next month.
Aha! So there is the rub. I was caught off-guard by another disappointing sock in the gut this morning, after getting Aunt Flo (with an souped-up over-hormone vengeance) when I called the IVF clinic. Last Friday, when they gave me the news that the test was negative, I asked when we could try again with the frozen embryos (aka my future babies - yes, I said babies. I think it is just better to go with that thought now, but I digress...) Anyway, the doctor said we could tr right away, there was no need to wait, I should call as soon as I got my period.
So for some reason, I got in my head the idea that we could try again in 2 weeks - at the time I would ovulate. Sure, thinking about it now, that assumption does seem pretty silly. Why do I need to ovulate? We are putting already fertilized embryos into me. We don't need to match my cycle - of course! I can say this now! But it really came as a bit of a shock this morning when I found out that they will "write up a calendar" to prepare for a transfer in 6-8 weeks. 6-8 weeks? That sucks! I really thought I would have another chance in 2 weeks. Now I have to start birth control pills (BCP) and then the Lupron and then who knows what else. I am so bummed about this!
Well, I read that some people do "natural" Frozen Embryo Transfers (FET) without the BCP and shots - just wait until your body is ovulating so that your uterus is doing what is would naturally to get ready for the embryo. I really like this idea. I am seriously considering talking to the clinic to see if it is a possibility. Part of my worries about "wasting" the precious embryos - if I only have 8 should I prep and prime myself as much as possible (that is, using lots of drugs), or should I put faith in my body to do what it needs to do on its own? I want to trust my body to have everything that it needs. But (and this is actually a big BUT) there is a high probability that my body would be naturally ovulating on the day or weekend of Wife's marathon that she has been training for for over 2 months. So maybe I go the druggie route. Oooh, I am so not looking forward to the Lupron. And it means we could be in December before I get to try again. Crap!
Friday, October 1, 2010
No Dice
It was negative.
It was negative.
(It still doesn't look right!)
I can't believe I wasted an open bar at my friend's wedding last weekend. I can't believe these things I am feeling are just PMS. This sucks! Urgh - all the phone calls I have to make. Maybe an email will do. What a crapper!
Later that day....
I am still processing, sad but trying not to let it get to me too much. Really thinking I need to refocus on my life (especially professionally), which I have been not exactly ignoring but not really paying attention to either. But I thought I would just capture the random thoughts that are floating in my head, so maybe I can get them out of there?
1- Should go I have a cup of coffee? What would caffeine do to me after not having a drip of it for almost 3 weeks. And in my fragile emotional state, will it make me too jittery and flighty? Should I just have a smoke instead? It has been WAY longer for that and it is certain to make me jittery and buzzed.
2- I just got this image of my future child or children in the freezer at the IVF clinic. They are on ice waiting for me to be ready. If anyone in the uni-sphere can please tell me when that would be, I would greatly appreciate it.
3 - I made the right choice with the 2-cycle pre-pay plan, so the next two (or so) tries with the frozen embryos not only won't cost anything, they are actually going to be putting more money in my pocket as I am able to submit more charges to insurance for reimbursement. So now it is like I am going to be paid to get pregnant. (Gotta love how insurance works!)
It was negative.
(It still doesn't look right!)
I can't believe I wasted an open bar at my friend's wedding last weekend. I can't believe these things I am feeling are just PMS. This sucks! Urgh - all the phone calls I have to make. Maybe an email will do. What a crapper!
Later that day....
I am still processing, sad but trying not to let it get to me too much. Really thinking I need to refocus on my life (especially professionally), which I have been not exactly ignoring but not really paying attention to either. But I thought I would just capture the random thoughts that are floating in my head, so maybe I can get them out of there?
1- Should go I have a cup of coffee? What would caffeine do to me after not having a drip of it for almost 3 weeks. And in my fragile emotional state, will it make me too jittery and flighty? Should I just have a smoke instead? It has been WAY longer for that and it is certain to make me jittery and buzzed.
2- I just got this image of my future child or children in the freezer at the IVF clinic. They are on ice waiting for me to be ready. If anyone in the uni-sphere can please tell me when that would be, I would greatly appreciate it.
3 - I made the right choice with the 2-cycle pre-pay plan, so the next two (or so) tries with the frozen embryos not only won't cost anything, they are actually going to be putting more money in my pocket as I am able to submit more charges to insurance for reimbursement. So now it is like I am going to be paid to get pregnant. (Gotta love how insurance works!)
Just a Thin Thread of Hope Left
Wednesday night: Peed on a Stock (POAS) - negative
Thursday night: POAS - negative
Friday morning: POAS - negative
So why do I still feel as though I am pregnant?
Well, it will be over in less than 3 hours. I had the blood drawn at 8. The nurse made it seem unlikely to be positive. And yet I maintain that thin little thread of hope. Wife holds tightly to the idea. She won't even entertain the idea that I might not be pregnant. Says I have been acting different (spacey, etc) and is oblivious to the idea that I be spacey because I am distracted about the idea of being (or not being) pregnant, but whatever - she always has her own ideas. It is actually one of the reasons I am (was?) attracted to her. In any event, a part of me is already mourning.
I was really looking forward to the beautiful symmetry of a pregnancy now. Boy and Girl were conceived via IVF the same week 4 years ago. And this would make a lovely June birthday. If I am not pregnant, I need to take a month off to allow my body to rest from the hormones. So now we are looking at an August birthday. Up through October is ok. But I think kids born in November or December, even early January, get shafted. October is tough for school - either the oldest or the youngest.
I suppose no matter what the news, either way, the call is going to bring me some relief so that at least I know and I don't have to wonder any more. It's too bad I am not busier at work to take my mind off of things. Instead I get to pull at, unravel, grasp onto that last thin thread.
Thursday night: POAS - negative
Friday morning: POAS - negative
So why do I still feel as though I am pregnant?
Well, it will be over in less than 3 hours. I had the blood drawn at 8. The nurse made it seem unlikely to be positive. And yet I maintain that thin little thread of hope. Wife holds tightly to the idea. She won't even entertain the idea that I might not be pregnant. Says I have been acting different (spacey, etc) and is oblivious to the idea that I be spacey because I am distracted about the idea of being (or not being) pregnant, but whatever - she always has her own ideas. It is actually one of the reasons I am (was?) attracted to her. In any event, a part of me is already mourning.
I was really looking forward to the beautiful symmetry of a pregnancy now. Boy and Girl were conceived via IVF the same week 4 years ago. And this would make a lovely June birthday. If I am not pregnant, I need to take a month off to allow my body to rest from the hormones. So now we are looking at an August birthday. Up through October is ok. But I think kids born in November or December, even early January, get shafted. October is tough for school - either the oldest or the youngest.
I suppose no matter what the news, either way, the call is going to bring me some relief so that at least I know and I don't have to wonder any more. It's too bad I am not busier at work to take my mind off of things. Instead I get to pull at, unravel, grasp onto that last thin thread.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Woohoo!
I made it through another work day without testing. This is a big feat for this Bad At Waiting gal. I think I am going to test tomorrow morning though.
Meanwhile, preparing for a session with Wife and Counselor. Not sure if I should toe the party line and say things are fine or open a can worms that will surely land me feeling Lonely and Angry. At this exact moment, things with Wife are fine. I feel Lonely and Ok. That is better than Lonely and Angry. But to break out of Lonely I am going to need to reestablish a connection, which may require uglier days before it gets better. I just don't know if I have the energy for it.
On a brighter note, I ran across some thoughts on Equal Parenting (I'll add a link when I figure out how) that really intrigued me. That opened my mind to me role as parent, teaching and parenting, while I am at work. Parenting is not only done when you are with the kids. So I am definitely going to look into that more and how it could help me feel better about the roles Wife and I play.
Meanwhile, preparing for a session with Wife and Counselor. Not sure if I should toe the party line and say things are fine or open a can worms that will surely land me feeling Lonely and Angry. At this exact moment, things with Wife are fine. I feel Lonely and Ok. That is better than Lonely and Angry. But to break out of Lonely I am going to need to reestablish a connection, which may require uglier days before it gets better. I just don't know if I have the energy for it.
On a brighter note, I ran across some thoughts on Equal Parenting (I'll add a link when I figure out how) that really intrigued me. That opened my mind to me role as parent, teaching and parenting, while I am at work. Parenting is not only done when you are with the kids. So I am definitely going to look into that more and how it could help me feel better about the roles Wife and I play.
Not Testing, Yet
So I had the realization last night as I drove home that there is very little good that can come out of my doing a HPT. Sure, I can easily imagine the almost candy-like experience of peeing on the stick and watching it turn to "Pregnant." And then I would have a positive stick as my souvenir. That is the upside. The downside? I could get a negative, and then I have two days of living in Funk until my bloodwork on Friday. So with this in mind, I formulated a plan. I will test on Friday, right before my bloodwork. That way I get to possibly have the experience, but I also don't have to wait too long to hear actual results.
That *was* my plan anyway. I called my sister and left this plan on her answering machine since she was (somehow?) busy with her own life or her own 5 kids. I was bummed. Then I told my plan to Wife. Her first reaction, other than to smile, was to ask "Did you come up with this yourself?" Then she said she was really proud of me when I said I had. Hmm... And so my plan was in place.
Until this morning. Quick talk with my sister while she was chaperoning a play date. Her take: a negative test just means it was too early. If I could keep that in mind and not go Freaky, there really is no harm in doing the test. She got 2 negatives on one of her kids. It was just too early. And then she had to go.
Meanwhile, gears are starting to shift in my head. Could I approach the results like this? Could I avoid Funk and go for Glory? I am dying to run to the bathroom at work and peed on that blasted stick already. It is like a scab I am only just by the skin of my teeth able to stop picking. Or a bruise that I am dying to push just to see if it still hurts, but somehow I am able to resist, only barely. But I think about All The Time.
The only thing that really keeps me back is wanting to use my first morning pee. Otherwise I would SOO be there already!
That *was* my plan anyway. I called my sister and left this plan on her answering machine since she was (somehow?) busy with her own life or her own 5 kids. I was bummed. Then I told my plan to Wife. Her first reaction, other than to smile, was to ask "Did you come up with this yourself?" Then she said she was really proud of me when I said I had. Hmm... And so my plan was in place.
Until this morning. Quick talk with my sister while she was chaperoning a play date. Her take: a negative test just means it was too early. If I could keep that in mind and not go Freaky, there really is no harm in doing the test. She got 2 negatives on one of her kids. It was just too early. And then she had to go.
Meanwhile, gears are starting to shift in my head. Could I approach the results like this? Could I avoid Funk and go for Glory? I am dying to run to the bathroom at work and peed on that blasted stick already. It is like a scab I am only just by the skin of my teeth able to stop picking. Or a bruise that I am dying to push just to see if it still hurts, but somehow I am able to resist, only barely. But I think about All The Time.
The only thing that really keeps me back is wanting to use my first morning pee. Otherwise I would SOO be there already!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Fear of Optimism - what's that about?
So it has been a few days since posts, mostly because I have had big problems getting out of my head. I am so consumed with the idea of being pregnant, the fear of not being pregnant, the anxiety of both. In some ways I wish I were able to be the stoic type who kept it all in, but no, I have a big mouth. So I have told everyone and their brother (except for at work) that I am trying to get pregnant, which means that I kinda set myself up - kinda. Everyone wants an email on Wednesday (tomorrow!) when I pee on a stick. The official blood test by the doctor isn't until Friday. But the doctor said a HPT might be accurate on Wednesday. Of course I am an inpatient fool so I peed on a stick yesterday. It was negative. I was devastated. I don't know what to think now. Wife says I am still acting weird and she knows I am pregnant. Acupuncture-clairvoyant acted as though I were pregnant. Am I? I am SOOO bad at waiting. I am talking rally, really bad. I can't sleep. I can't work. I should have just taken this week off.
So then I got to thinking about how I finally feel physically ok - which of course scares me, maybe I am not pregnant because I no longer feel anything different - and I am already into my next complaint. I was feeling so awfully uncomfortable last week. Just crazy yucky. And it seems like ages ago. A lot has happened in the last two weeks. Two weeks ago I took my last stim shot - I was still growing eggs! So maybe I need to cut myself some slack and S L O W down. I can see myself going through the entire pregnancy jumping from one complaint to another and getting to the end and realizing I forgot to enjoy it. How sad!
So I am going to attempt a shift of perspective. I would like to capture the moment as I am experiencing it, to still be honest and not just fluff, but I would SOOO love it if I were able to recognize the good parts of the experience too. (Disclaimer: this idea scares the crap out of me. I don't know why I am having that reaction. My first reaction was I don't know how to do this. But I realized that I do have the capacity to do it. I am resourceful and I can figure out a way if I am committed to it. And then whoosh - fear. What is that about?)
So then I got to thinking about how I finally feel physically ok - which of course scares me, maybe I am not pregnant because I no longer feel anything different - and I am already into my next complaint. I was feeling so awfully uncomfortable last week. Just crazy yucky. And it seems like ages ago. A lot has happened in the last two weeks. Two weeks ago I took my last stim shot - I was still growing eggs! So maybe I need to cut myself some slack and S L O W down. I can see myself going through the entire pregnancy jumping from one complaint to another and getting to the end and realizing I forgot to enjoy it. How sad!
So I am going to attempt a shift of perspective. I would like to capture the moment as I am experiencing it, to still be honest and not just fluff, but I would SOOO love it if I were able to recognize the good parts of the experience too. (Disclaimer: this idea scares the crap out of me. I don't know why I am having that reaction. My first reaction was I don't know how to do this. But I realized that I do have the capacity to do it. I am resourceful and I can figure out a way if I am committed to it. And then whoosh - fear. What is that about?)
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