Thoughts on Wife

Oddly, I am very un-baby-minded today. I actually got work done at work (what a surprise!) I did not spend hours reading IF blogs, etc. And I don't really have much to say here now. On that subject anyway.

But I would like to clear my mind of thoughts regarding the other plague of my life right now: my often verbally abusive and otherwise mean wife. I need to say that I know my relationship with Wife is troublesome. Sometimes we get along great and I am so happy. I feel like I love her again. I can see us staying together happily. And sometimes, sadly oftentimes, this is not the case. So why do I want to have a baby with her? Certainly not to "save the relationship." No, I want to get pregnant because if I were on my own I would be doing it solo - it is the right time. And I believe that things can get better with Wife. And if they don't, I will leave her. But no matter what, she will be a great Mom to New Baby. Her being part of the process seems irrelevant in my mind.

But anyway, I discovered something while talking to my therapist today about Wife. It is highly likely that her abrasiveness is...I don't know exactly how to put it. Having spent time with her mom over Thanksgiving, it seems so much more clear to me that Wife had little choice than to create this harsh defensiveness around herself. And I think long ago she created this story of her mom being such a terrific mom to cover the fact that she was really neglected and criticized. She talks about how her mom worked 3 jobs just to put food on the table, and yet her mom also attended all of her high school softball games (who has time to do all that?) And her mom also stole food from the supermarket when they didn't have enough money to buy dinner, but why wouldn't they if she were working 3 jobs? And there is some very sketchy stories about an "uncle" doing very inappropriate things, but the details aren't really clear, including whether or not her mom knew about the "activity." I suppose I am writing this to recognize that Wife has created a way of being that works for her -- or worked for her. And instead of directly confronting her in a she-has-to-change way, it might be more productive to investigate whether this coping mechanism is serving her now. Oh, she is going to be so resistant! She does not like to talk about her emotions, she does not remember her childhood, she does not like to think that she could have "issues" to work on. But I think she is seriously depressed. And I don't think she likes being so cranky all the time. For my sake, I want her to feel better. I don't want to continue being the scapegoat or whipping-boy. But also for her sake, I want her to be happier. To feel better.

When talking with Therapist, I felt somewhat relieved discussing this, and somewhat overwhelmed. Relieved that, with a root to her actions and feelings, perhaps there is a way to alleviate the unpleasantness. Overwhelmed that I would have to approach the situation from the standpoint of caring about her. Because I am usually pretty tapped out on catering to her and positioning my opinion and presenting ideas "just so" and, basically, giving. I give to her a lot, probably too much. But after thinking about if this afternoon, I realized I do have a reserve of good will toward her. I do have more to give. And maybe it will help.

Of course, I still have to figure out the right time (and the right way) to approach this. I think now, with the holidays (and my loco Mom visiting tomorrow for Channukah) isn't the right time. But maybe the opportunity will present itself. And I will just have to keep my eyes and ears open.

In the meantime, I intend to get some work done.

Progesterone Capsule Advice

I forgot to ask earlier, does anyone have a good way to clean the applicator used for the progesterone "capsules" (aka suppositories)? I can barely reach all the gunk that gets on the inside of the tube, but it is a royal pain and it is really grossing me out.

Maybe

I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I will. I don't think I am pregnant. Somehow I need to make it through this last week of waiting without breaking down. And I was so sure. Now, I am holding on to a slim Maybe.

I spent the first few days after retrieval with a full house for Thanksgiving. I thought this would be great since Grandma and Aunt and Cousins could play with Kids while I rested or at least relaxed. Wrong! Silly Me! It was hectic. And I felt so nauseous. I had to eat every few hours and there was just so much to do, so I ended up just being cranky and generally feeling like crap. I hate that I get so excited to host people (family and friends) at our house but as soon as they get there, I start wondering when they will leave. This happened at the Halloween Party too. Am I just an awful person? I don't remember feeling this way before. Maybe it is just another side-effect of the hormones?

But anyway, last weekend I knew that my "symptoms" were too early. The embies hadn't even had time to implant and I was ill. So I figure it must have been lingering Progesterone running afoul in my system. It lasted for 3 days hard core, then a little more mellow the last few days. Now I feel almost nothing. No boobie tenderness. Some slightly cramping, but higher than where  imagine my ute must be. But really, I thought I would have this spiritual awareness or feeling of being pregnant, and I feel none. I feel very alone and empty.

I am trying to tell myself it isn't over yet. There are plenty of people who didn't feel pregnant, but in fact were. There is no universal way to feel during the first few days or weeks. It could still happen. I just can't say it loud enough to drown out the negative thoughts echoing in my head. IT COULD HAPPEN! IT COULD HAPPEN! "Maybe" is the best I can come up with.

This is not helped by the almighty Magic 8 Ball. When asked "Am I pregnant?" it replied "Maybe." I am petrified to ask it again. I just don't want to deal with the emotional turmoil a negative answer would start. It is like POAS too early. You can say the answer means nothing, but somehow it does. And I would never POAS right now. I know it would be silly - so why do I give this mindless computer programming the power to make me feel like crap? I am ridiculous and grasping at straws, looking for any possible positive encouragement.

And the blog world seems to have shifted as well - of bifurcated -- and I am just terrified to imagine which side I am going to be on next week. On one hand, there are some incredibly strong women dealing so openly and honestly with devastation. I cry for them, and know that I would not handle well what they are experiencing -- loss, missed opportunities/canceled cycles, BFNs, possible IVF hard-stops. It is almost overwhelming to read their struggles. Except that I can relate, on some level. The other side, the BFP side, is very foreign to me, and terrifies me even more. If it can happen for them, it could happen for me. So I must keep that option open. But if it happens for 2, 3 or 4 of them, does it make it less likely for me? I know this is ridiculous, but part of me worries that the sticky baby dust for the month has been used up. (I am not proud of this part of my thoughts...) So who am I going to join next week?

Does it matter that I will have my first Beta in December? That means a new month's reserve of sticky baby dust, right?
Maybe.

PUPO

Three beautiful embies in. May they plant and rest and make my uterus their home. Well, at least one of them. Two would also be nice. Please not three. Thanks.

24 hours and counting

I am actually a little giddy with anticipation. I am so excited for tomorrow's FET - and I am feeling so warm about the prospects. I keep repeating "It might work. It might happen. I could be pregnant at this time tomorrow." How cool is that?

I have noticed a few blogs refer to the Magic 8 Ball, and surprisingly it seems accurate quite often. So despite my ideas of not predicting the future and just letting things happen, I had to go check it out. Will I get pregnant tomorrow? Definitely. (Cue applause and jumping butterflies in stomach.)

Meanwhile, I am just waiting for the thaw report from the clinic. Yes, there are hints of negativity seeping in. It is almost noon and they usually call in the morning. Is this a sign? But I will not go there. I will get whatever news they have for me when they call, and there is no need for me to worry beforehand.

Likewise, our plan for taking care of Kids during tomorrow's procedure is derailed due to fevers and coughs. Our sitter is in the middle of finals, so who knows what we are going to do. But Wife says she is on it, and my attempts to help have been shunned - so I am going to check it off my list and not worry about it. Instead I will worry about whether I want to brave the rain for a yummy acai smoothie or whether I should eat in the cafeteria. (Oh the dilemmas!)

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Later in the day: Clinic called at 12:19 with good news. All 4 embryos survived the thaw. We will learn more tomorrow of course, but the plan is to transfer 3 and let the 4th grow, hopefully to blast and then refreeze. Although a tiny little part of me wonders why - This time is going to work so I won't need to others on ice. Right? Right!

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Still later in the day: I am dying here. I can't keep my mind on anything other than thinking about tomorrow. I am so excited! I am so ready! I really need to chill. How am I going to get through the TTW with this attitude. But I feel like it is the day before Christmas. I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and open up my presents. OK - concentrate. Focus. Think about the gnarly PIO shot you get tomorrow. Think about the speculum. Better. Steady now. Oh heck - it is no use. I am JAZZED!

48 hours and Counting

In less than 48 hours I will have between 1 and 3 lovely embryos inside me, fully PUPO and hopefully PUB. That's the plan anyway. And all I have to do is relax into it.

I was thinking this weekend about "going with the flow," which is...let's just say it is not my natural inclination. I am not a contrarian, and I generally try to avoid creating conflict - I am a People Pleaser. But I over analyze and worry and plan and doubt and thinkthinkthink about things way too much to be considered easy going. But I do have to say that I have started to mellow out considerably, and my personal philosophy has opened up some. I think.

But maybe I have been giving myself a little too much credit. I thought that my belief that things in life happen, that there is a reason for things, was pretty solid. Sure, I get mad, but then I look for a lesson or an advantage, and I try not to get too worked up. But this whole baby-making experience has shown me I was only partially open to what I (correctly or incorrectly) describe as a Zen way of being. I agreed things happen. Or things don't happen. And that is just the way it is, without judgment or punishment or much impact from my day-to-day actions. What I failed to see before, though, was my skewed reaction to this belief had me constantly looking for clues for what was about to happen (or not happen) and trying to guess what the future would bring. As though it were already written.

And I struggled to find clues because I didn't want to be the only one who didn't see what was obvious to everyone else. This is clearly a reflection of my messed-up youth. On the one hand, I saw my mom blindsided by whom she thought was one of her best friends, who was in fact having an affair with my dad and later became my step-mom. I know how hurt my mom was by the betrayal (from both dad and step-mom), but she also felt as though everybody else knew, and she was embarrassed further by being "clueless" about it. She used to talk to me a lot (even though I was only 7) about her feelings, and I think in some way her experience became my own. But this was also intensified by my mom's natural tendency to shoot down any positive feelings I had for a bright future. She sent a strong message of "why do you think something good is going to happen to you?" with an implied sense of unworthiness. But it wasn't as though good things didn't happen - they did! But I wasn't supposed to expect them or rely on them or hope for them - that would be greedy or presumptuous or foolhardy. Because I might be the only one who was thinking positive thoughts while everyone else was laughing behind my back, and that would NOT be good. So optimism, which I maintain is still my natural outlook on life, was taught out of me.

And the future became slightly hopeless - in the sense that hope had very little to do with it. I suppose I viewed destiny like a Choose Your Own Adventure book. The pages in the book were already written and I had some personal choice as to what order I chose to read the pages, and whether I hit good pages or scary pages, but the story (and ending) were essentially already written. Now I feel my mind is developing and I have a much wider view of destiny. What is going to happen will happen, but it is not predetermined. It is more like this blog - I don't know where it is going when I start a post, and I don't know where all the posts are going until I am able to look back and reread a few in sequence.

So in less than 48 hours am I going to be pregnant? I don't know. But it is a serious possibility. And only time will tell.

Mimes and Infertility

There is a radio commercial right now (for Geico - so you get the randomness of it all) that asks if Mimes are less creepy on the radio. And somehow this got my mind to thinking - mimes and infertility are so alike. OK, maybe not. Mimes are annoying, and so is infertility. But there is something I can learn from mimes: inner confidence. Have you ever seen a mime not totally committed to their art? A mime in the middle of a show can show no self-doubt. And this is what I intent to project as I go toward FET.

The truth is that there is a much greater possibility that it won't work. But I can't focus on that. I have to ignore what others think or say and cling to the possibility that it might work. It just might work. Not because I did anything right or because I am a good person or because I deserve it. It might just work because it did.

Sometimes I feel like it is silly for me to believe it might work, as if there is so much evidence that it won't work, and people might make fun of me for having faith in the face of low probability. And this is when I think of the mime, performing even though so many people find them creepy. I am certainly no more "out there" than that.