Sips of Joy

I went to see Acupuncturist today - she always helps me feel so much better. I shared how I am so confused and conflicted. Why am I not jumping for joy at being pregnant? This is exactly what I wanted. I thought I would be all woohoo - and instead I feel a little numb. Tentative. Happy but scared. And she reassured me that there was nothing wrong with what I am feeling. Sometimes it takes a while for the news to reach the heart, especially when it has been hurt before.

She suggested I do two things:
(1) Cut off reading other blogs -- to stop my mind from going to the what ifs and infinite possibilities. On the one hand, I totally see her point. I do lean toward the hypochondriac and I worry that I let myself get disturbed by other people's news. On the other hand, I have really enjoyed feeling connected to other people, and I am not sure how I feel about "joining" a mainstream pregnant group - and I don't want to give up this feeling of community. Plus I have selected about 8 blogs that I like to follow at this point. So advice #1 is under consideration.

(2) Take Sips of Joy -- it may seem overwhelming to drink a full glass or expect myself to suddenly be exuberant. So I should start by taking small amounts, and seeing how it tastes in my mouth. Playing with it. (If only I weren't so exhausted all the time!) I will give serious effort to advice #2.

Meanwhile, the theme of the day is headache. I am having some minor cramping, turning to major when I move suddenly and/or laugh (yeah, that didn't feel good). I am so tired, even though I went to bed at 9:30 last night. But really, the headache is killing me. OK, that's the complaining for the day. The rest is gravy. Sip sip.

August 14, 2011 May be a Good Day

Great news! Beta #1 (15 days post fertilization) is at 257. He hopes for above 150 at this point. Doctor is comfortable enough that I don't need additional betas. I am loving this since I wasn't sure how I was going to fit other trips to doctor in my schedule. Other stats: Estrogen at 586 (continue shots 2x per week) and progesterone at 19.7 (continue coochie pills).

I don't know why but I am still in a daze and really mellow about this. Is it too much reading other blogs? Am I scared to say I am so happy for fear that something will take it away? Am I not actually thrilled? Well, as my acupuncturists says, I will just "sit with this" and see where it leads me. So far I think I am in a pretty incredible spot. 4w1d

POAS is Evil, Evil, Evil

Yesterday's stick: positive
Today's stick: uncertain

When I peed, nothing showed up (whereas yesterday a very faint line showed up almost immediately). It was a "rapid response" version that is supposed to show results in 1 minute. Today, one minute after peeing, nothing showed up. But just as I was leaving for the clinic to have official blood work done, I showed the stick to Wife. And there was this faint little line. Wife couldn't see it, but I have seen enough of these online to know that there was the faintest of little lines there. So does this mean an ending to a chemical pregnancy? a crappy stick? pee-er error? Well, the clinic should call in a few hours. Any bets on whether I will get any actual work done in the meantime?

_____________________________

Fortunately I didn't have to wait long...

I Saw Two Lines - the rest is a blur

This morning I couldn't wait any longer and I did it: I POAS....and I got two lines! Of course the line I care about is pretty faint, but there is no doubt that it is there. I am so cautiously excited, a little in shock, a tad bit scared and a pinch of festive. Of course I told Wife immediately, even though it was 4:45 am. (She tried to go back to sleep, but couldn't. I had to take my mom to the airport and act as though nothing were different. But it was. I mean, it is.) I texted my sister, who sent a very excited text back. I called my brother, who was also super-excited. Of course I told both it wasn't official yet. And Wife doesn't think I should tell anyone else. I don't think that is going to happen though. I know it is the prudent thing, but everyone knows I have been trying and that Monday (as in tomorrow) I go in for bloodwork. So what is the harm in telling them today? If I say I got a positive HPT and tomorrow it turns out I am not pregnant, then my friends/close family should know why I am suddenly a raving crazy beatch.  But could that really happen? Do HPTs show false positives or chemicals? Shouldn't I just feel good that I got a positive and go with that? It's not like I am telling my boss or anything...

But here's the gist of my dilemma: I am going to a party this afternoon with 3 families. Of the three, I started "trying" first. Then Granola-mom started trying for her second and after that Soccer-Chick-friend started trying. Well, Soccer-chick-friend is now 8 weeks pregnant. If the HPT is to be trusted, I suppose I am about 4 weeks pregnant (oh my God!). And I am just not sure how Granola-mom is because technically she isn't even my friend; I only know her through Soccer-chick-friend. But if this has been really hard on her, or if she received bad news recently, etc. I would feel really bad blindsiding her with my happiness. Wife says this is ridiculous and I need to worry less about other people. I do agree with her to a point. I realized how "off" I am when I wondered about posting about the positive HPT on this blog - on my blog. Really, I worried about all the women who's blogs I follow that haven't been doing well or getting good news, and I felt guilty for my good news. I know this is messed up. I don't know these women. I don't even know if any of these women read my blog, which was intended to be an online journal for me anyway. And yet I worried that I would be perceived as insensitive. Greedy. Self-centered. I know, I am so messed up! But the good news, perhaps even better than the possible (probable?) pregnancy is that I am really starting to come into my own. I am recognizing things much better, and I am not staying trapped in the old pattern.

So here I am, celebrating some really awesome news and whoop-whooping on the inside even if my exterior looks dazed.

Oh No - The Urge to POAS is Too Great

I think I may be pulled to the dark side today. I don't know if I can wait the three more days until Beta. Sad part is, I have no clue what day I am. I know they froze Day 2 embryos, then thawed the day before FET - so does that mean I had a Day 3 transfer? If so, I suppose today is 9dp3dt. Is that enough for the test to be somewhat accurate? I think it is right on the cusp. 9dp2dt sounds too early - but I think I will look around and see when others POAS. I only wish I could save my money and wait until Monday - but I am pretty sure that is not going to happen.

Giving Thanks to the Blog

For whatever reason, last night was tough. By the time I crawled into bed with Wife I was mopey. And yet again, I became sadder from failed communication with Wife. Here is our conversation:

Her: How are you?

Me: Fiiiiine (in totally passive I-am-not-really-fine, 5-syllable way)

Pause. Silence. And I realize she is not going to ask me to expand, and because I am trying to get out of expecting her to do things that aren’t in her nature, and if I want to connect with her more, I am going to have to reach out, I decide to risk it.

Me: I am worried – I don’t feel pregnant.

Her: Don’t. Don’t.

Pause. Silence while I think about whether I want to react to her “support” or just keep talking and tell her why I don’t feel pregnant. And while I am still contemplating my options….

Her: You should just think positively. The mind is really powerful. You need to stay positive. Good night.

So there I was in bed feeling totally alone and really, really sad. But then I remembered my blog. And how I could write about how I was feeling, and why I was feeling that way, and a whole multitude of other things. And I was so grateful for this blog. So here goes:

I am feeling scared. I am really worried that I am not pregnant again. My “symptoms,” which I presume are really side-effects of the progesterone, are spotty at best. Sometimes I am really nauseated, but not so much recently. I am getting pangs and cramps in my lower abdomen, but I got those last time too. My boobs don’t hurt. (Yes, one of my symptoms is a lack of symptom – so sue me!) And perhaps most importantly, I am not insanely tired. I was exhausted the first few days after transfer. Now I stay awake until 11 and still have trouble falling asleep. This stinks! 

I don’t feel positive anymore. I keep trying to remind myself that Maybe is a possibility. There is no need to feel Yes or No – but I am having such a hard time staying there! I have 4 more days. Yes, I do have to say that even with this little snit, I am still doing much better than last cycle. Overall I am much calmer. But crap – I just wish it would work so I could be pregnant already!!!

No news

I have to post quickly because my mom is coming in today from Chicago and I will not be able to post after she is here. And boy am I nervous! My mom, like most moms I suppose, has a very special was of getting under my skin and pushing my buttons. Luckily I am feeling pretty ok with myself right now, strong, surprisingly balanced, optimistic and even a little loving. I think this is going to be key to not crashing for the next few days.

On the baby-front, well no real news to report - still have to wait until Dec 6 for the first Beta. But it is funny how my brother called 2 days ago and my sister called yesterday to see what news I had. This is after feeling pretty sad that nobody had called me on transfer day, even though I had told them when it would be. When I talked with them on Thanksgiving, I actually had to bring the "getting pregnant" topic up myself - I mean, is it not on their minds 24/7 like it is on mine? The nerve! Actually, it is pretty cool that they want to talk with me about it at all, and I feel really lucky to have their support. I think it might be rare that a younger brother is interested in his sister's struggles to have a baby. (And have I mentioned that he is Girl and Boy's donor? He flew out every month for almost a year at his own expense to make this happen - what an amazing gift he gave!!! So it is a little extra cool that he is interested in this IVF experience even though he doesn't have as much of a critical role.) And my sister actually loaned us a few thousand to pay for the IVF (which I am happy to say I paid back yesterday when insurance sent a partial reimbursement - woo hoo!)

Anyway, I had a great talk with my sister last night - I need to remember to talk with her if I end up with three sticky embryos. She pointed out how if I had triplets I would "catch up with her" really, really quickly. And while 5 kids is certainly doable, she has a full-time nanny, a house cleaner 4 days a week and a personal assistant to help. And I wouldn't have these things. Having 3 more kids would be truly amazing - good and bad, but probably more bad than good. Well, I can't even begin to describe the ways it would make life so much harder and more narrow - so many things that we currently enjoy that we wouldn't be able to do anymore. But honestly, I am not sure what I would do -- could I choose to reduce? I am grossed out by the idea that the third fetus would remain in my uterus while the other 2 grew. Sister pointed out the fetus would be about the size of a grain of rice, so that helped, but seriously, I think I would always wonder if it was the right decision. Well, I am not going to worry about it unless I need to. (This is my new approach to life and it seems to be working!)

Meanwhile, Wife is being supportive after a particularly hard session with Couples Counselor last night, followed by semi-awkward dinner at a new less-than-yummy Thai restaurant. But today's texts indicate she is committed to being supportive and nicer and less defensive. Good news!

So maybe not exactly no news, afterall.