Well it has been an interesting few days...weeks actually. I haven't been posting because I have been completely overwhelmed and my brain has been all over the place. Exactly when I should have been blogging! To organize my thoughts, etc. But now I am just going to event dump for my reference - perhaps one day I will want to remember this?
Of course, in case either of my 2 readers check in and are concerned about my pregnancy, I should preface this my saying so far Baby is doing well. We have a good heartbeat. And now to my story...
Three weeks ago, work got very busy. My boss resigned, leaving vacant a job that I was looking to eventually have. So I was suddenly tasked with doing my boss's work and deciding, Do I want to go for a promotion, which would mean a lot more work and more stress, but also more money and good for long-term career. Short-term vs long-term. But since I was basically doing his job anyway... But ultimately I decided my priorities are with our baby. Timing isn't right. So I didn't go for the big promotion.
Two weeks ago, work came up with a good outcome for me - I got a little promotion. Instead of the entire global organization with oversight of 9 employees, I got a section of it, with 2 employees and me. Still a little stressful since one of the employees is brand-spanking new and the other one is a good work-friend who is not pleased with the idea of reporting into me. So yes, there was a bit of stress, which may have led to some weird cramping. At first I thought it was because of my crazy insane constipation. But then it didn't go away and I started to get nervous. So I had a few days of cramping, no spotting, and then went to the midwife. Doppler indicated a good heartbeat, cultures indicated no infection. So unexplained cramping that is probably from constipation. Great!
Then last week I was hit HARD by a cold. Total nasal drip on one side, blockage on the other - head fuzzy and can't breathe or sleep and it is completely ridiculous how many times I peed myself when I sneezed. And the cramping when I coughed. Really threw me for a loop. And even though I was super-busy at work, I took a day off because I felt like crap. I don't do that easily. I also worked form home two days so as not to infect the rest of the office. Sure, my new boss joked about how I was working on my sick day - and I tried to tell me I was sick but not taking a sick day, I was working! But I can tell this guy gets his own ideas about things and that is how it is. Anyway, last week was hard, balancing work and feeling like crap.
Which leads me to the weekend. Sat afternoon I was just about to go out, even though I was still sick - I needed to get out of the house. I was going to buy myself a new cell phone, a treat to help get me out of the funk of stress and feeling bad and behind on everything. But first, I had to go to the bathroom. And since I am a constipated little gal, this required a fair amount of straining. I actually thought, "I wonder if this is how labor is going to feel" even knowing that it was nothing compared to labor. But I can't even describe my shock and fear when I looked into the toilet and saw it was bright red. Of course my first thought was wondering whether it was vaginal or anal - so I started wiping like crazy and trying not to get alarmed. I called for Wife, who was putting Kids down for nap and couldn't hear me above their protests. I put a pad on to see where the bleeding was coming from and flushed (bad idea - next time [ha ha] keep it to show Wife so she won't think I am overreacting....) before getting Wife. Told her the situation and went to ER.
Just a note: local ER sucks. It took one hour of me sitting in the lobby, bleeding and crying, before I could get a bed. Then it took another 30 minutes before a nurse came in, then another hour before the ultrasound that finally showed our baby is ok. They suck! Sure, I actually had stopped bleeding sometime while waiting, but I didn't know this. Wife helped calm me down - she found friends to come watch Kids so she could join me. She was so mad about my not having a room that she started going up to the desk every 10 minutes and fighting for me. Then calling everyone an idiot. Made it so I didn't have to. Anyway, after ultrasound and pelvic, Dr. ER says something about hemorrhage behind placenta, and leaves the room. Leaves me nobody except Dr. Google, which had an array of prognoses but not a lot of helpful information. I am 16 weeks pregnant, just inside the second trimester. I read a bit about what I think this means during the first trimester (subchorionic hematoma) and even during the third trimester (placenta abruptio), but what about me? Another 30 minutes and Dr. ER says diagnosis is "Threatened Miscarriage" with a 50-50 outcome. He mentions a "tear." Suggests bed rest and no work for 4-5 days. Come back if it gets worse. Thanks.
Funny part, though: I went in for a urine sample, and I was so distracted and wondering how the bleeding was that I peed so I could wipe. Then I used cleansing toilette and opened the urine sample cup and THEN realized Holy Crap - I already peed! When I came out I told the nurse "it didn't work" and Wife was like "what? how does it not work?" and I had to tell them what I moron I was. Had to laugh because it was just such an idiot move.
OK, so talked to midwife on call on Sat evening and spent next 24 hours in bed and on couch. Contemplating 50-50 chance. Trying to think happy thoughts. Oh, also went to my wonderful acupuncturist who made time for me on Sunday morning. Sadly she also gave me some of the most foul-tasting herbs to drink, but if it works... Then Wife had the brilliant idea of calling Dr. PAN (IVF doc) who just happened to be in the office on a Sunday afternoon (gotta love workaholic docs). He gave me some reassurance, that if there wasn't any more bleeding since the first incidence it is probably all fine. We saw heartbeat and I wasn't having major cramping, etc. "But would you feel better if you came in for an ultrasound tomorrow?" Does a bear shit in the woods? Hell yes. (He also offered Sunday afternoon ultrasound, but his office is too far and I wasn't up for it.)
So I went to Dr. PAN at 8:45 this morning. Such a difference. He got me right in, of course, and immediately put me at ease. Showed beautiful Baby. Showed intact placenta. Showed subchorionic hematoma but not of an alarming size. Thought it would go away as Baby gets bigger. Does not recommend bed rest (only after two bleeds during second trimester - would be different if later in pregnancy). Gives a mere 5% chance of miscarriage. Even threw in a picture and free anatomy scan, but that turned out to be inconclusive.
(Gee - I need to post more often...this is LONG!)
So here I am with two quite different views on what is happening, and I really don't know exactly what to do with all the information. I have one more appointment this afternoon - with a new OB since I am not feeling that a midwife is going to be enough anymore. Work is putting crazy stress on me - when I emailed my boss to tell him what was up and give him info he would need if I was not reachable, he never emailed back. No sorry to hear that or rest or thanks or anything. But I also said that while on bed rest I hope to be able to work since sitting around doing nothing would drive me crazy. And then when the first little thing comes in from another VP, and I say I will do it and get back to her shortly, my boss says he has reassigned it. Even when I email to say I am available to help/work, he tells me to rest and he will handle things. Blah blah! If bed rest is supposed to reduce stress then I am doing something wrong. I think I would be better off at the office. (OK, not entirely. I do have appointments and I have spent the last hour or so doing this post.) I am concerned about what this means for my career future, but trying to focus on the priority here. Just wish I had better answers about how much energy I need to give Baby - I know better, safer to overdo Baby-focus. Just don't know what the cost will be, and that bothers me.
But in the end, healthy Baby in 24 more weeks is the best outcome. And I need to focus on that. The other stuff can be worked out later. I guess I can't get too much rest and the potential cost of not getting enough rest is too high. Man - why does it take me posting a book to get at something that is so obvious?
Monday, February 28, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
NT Testing Results
Good news on the baby-is-healthy front. But first let me set the stage...
I have to admit the ultrasound tech got me a little worried at first: Kiddo was being a little less than cooperative and wouldn't roll over. And I blew it by forgetting to drink lots of water beforehand. (The 4 glasses I chugged right before the scan didn't reach my bladder in time...) So anyway, the tech had lots of time trying to get Kiddo into the right position, and while she was waiting she looked around lots, showed lots of pictures of beautiful hands, feet, legs, etc. She was super chatty and even cracked a few jokes, mostly about me being almost upside down on the chair (hoping that would entice Kiddo to roll, but it didn't really). Anyway, when she finally got good NT readings, she suddenly clammed up. Completely. Then folded the towel over my tummy and said the doctor would be in soon to discuss the results. At this point my heart was beating so fast!
So, of course I turn to Wife to look for some reassurance. But it turns out she is really pissed at me and not in the mood to talk. Big cold shoulder. Apparently one of the things I was "chatting" with the tech about was the Kiddo's gender, and I mentioned how I didn't want to know it (if that was a possibility, just so it didn't accidentally come out). Wife replied, "Well 'we' aren't against knowing. I want to know." to which I replied "But luckily I get to decide." And that is why the entire ultrasound was ruined for Wife. Now maybe I shouldn't have said that. Maybe not as flippantly as I did. But isn't this something that I do get to decide? We have talked about it. This was not news to her. But apparently she is still pretty bitter about it, so I shouldn't have rubbed her nose in it? Did I? Well, I am feeling a bit conflicted - I apologized immediately but only half-heartedly. And I don't know if I feel like apologizing for real. I don't know if I feel bad. I don't know if I should feel bad. Do I need to be aware and considerate of the fact that it is hard for her not to be the pregnant one? Do I need to remind her that it was really hard for me when she was pregnant and I felt secondary? Knowing how I felt, should I make extra efforts to make sure she doesn't feel that way? Or do I get to enjoy being pregnant because now it is my turn? I am definitely going to have to think on this one a lot more.
But the bigger issue it brings up is what am I going to do during labor? I am much more seriously considering getting a doula now. Can you imagine if I accidentally said something while in the throes of labor pains that upset Wife and she froze me out? Wouldn't that make for a fun birth experience? Crap - I am so NOT in a good place right now. And it is stressing me out!
But back to the good news...Nuchal measurements were 1.3-1.4 mm, well below the 2.5 mm "borderline" for the Kiddo's size. Woo hoo! In fact, the risk of Down's is 1 in 1,400 and risk of Trisomy 18 is 1 in 13,000. OK! By the way, Kiddo is measuring 13w2d (when I should really only be 12w5d based on midwife adjustment and 12w4d based on IVF date). So maybe a little earlier birth? Hopefully not a really big baby - medium big would be perfect. Big baby birth scares my hoohoo.
OK, so now that I actually have work I need to shift into productive mode. Let me get things done for work, let me pay my bills, organize my papers, make plans to be with friends and address the serious issues with Wife. I need a plan and I will make one!
I have to admit the ultrasound tech got me a little worried at first: Kiddo was being a little less than cooperative and wouldn't roll over. And I blew it by forgetting to drink lots of water beforehand. (The 4 glasses I chugged right before the scan didn't reach my bladder in time...) So anyway, the tech had lots of time trying to get Kiddo into the right position, and while she was waiting she looked around lots, showed lots of pictures of beautiful hands, feet, legs, etc. She was super chatty and even cracked a few jokes, mostly about me being almost upside down on the chair (hoping that would entice Kiddo to roll, but it didn't really). Anyway, when she finally got good NT readings, she suddenly clammed up. Completely. Then folded the towel over my tummy and said the doctor would be in soon to discuss the results. At this point my heart was beating so fast!
So, of course I turn to Wife to look for some reassurance. But it turns out she is really pissed at me and not in the mood to talk. Big cold shoulder. Apparently one of the things I was "chatting" with the tech about was the Kiddo's gender, and I mentioned how I didn't want to know it (if that was a possibility, just so it didn't accidentally come out). Wife replied, "Well 'we' aren't against knowing. I want to know." to which I replied "But luckily I get to decide." And that is why the entire ultrasound was ruined for Wife. Now maybe I shouldn't have said that. Maybe not as flippantly as I did. But isn't this something that I do get to decide? We have talked about it. This was not news to her. But apparently she is still pretty bitter about it, so I shouldn't have rubbed her nose in it? Did I? Well, I am feeling a bit conflicted - I apologized immediately but only half-heartedly. And I don't know if I feel like apologizing for real. I don't know if I feel bad. I don't know if I should feel bad. Do I need to be aware and considerate of the fact that it is hard for her not to be the pregnant one? Do I need to remind her that it was really hard for me when she was pregnant and I felt secondary? Knowing how I felt, should I make extra efforts to make sure she doesn't feel that way? Or do I get to enjoy being pregnant because now it is my turn? I am definitely going to have to think on this one a lot more.
But the bigger issue it brings up is what am I going to do during labor? I am much more seriously considering getting a doula now. Can you imagine if I accidentally said something while in the throes of labor pains that upset Wife and she froze me out? Wouldn't that make for a fun birth experience? Crap - I am so NOT in a good place right now. And it is stressing me out!
But back to the good news...Nuchal measurements were 1.3-1.4 mm, well below the 2.5 mm "borderline" for the Kiddo's size. Woo hoo! In fact, the risk of Down's is 1 in 1,400 and risk of Trisomy 18 is 1 in 13,000. OK! By the way, Kiddo is measuring 13w2d (when I should really only be 12w5d based on midwife adjustment and 12w4d based on IVF date). So maybe a little earlier birth? Hopefully not a really big baby - medium big would be perfect. Big baby birth scares my hoohoo.
OK, so now that I actually have work I need to shift into productive mode. Let me get things done for work, let me pay my bills, organize my papers, make plans to be with friends and address the serious issues with Wife. I need a plan and I will make one!
Monday, January 31, 2011
The Ultimate To-Do List
I ran across a pregnancy checklist this weekend. I thought "this will be fun" and decided to see where I sit. Not to brag too much, but I am rocking the first trimester steps. I am particularly proud of starting the belly shots (at 12 weeks exactly last Friday). Went out and bought size 36Ginormous bras over the weekend - it really isn't pretty! Have a long list of possible names that needs to be winnowed. Eating right, etc.
Admittedly, I could be better about drinking water and getting to bed early. I am slightly behind on "choose a caregiver" because I don't particularly like the one I initially chose, so I have an appointment next week with a different midwife and we will see if this is a better match. And I am completely putting my head in the sand regarding "make a baby budget." Budgeting and I just don't seem to get along very well.
Each year, and often more times throughout the year, I make a budget -- but I don't follow it. I am terrible about following it. And somehow things work out in the end. I am always stressed about finances at the beginning of the year. Tax withholdings are highest, I have to meet my healthcare deductible, I get the bills from Christmas. It is an ugly financial time. So really, now is not the time to be looking at forming a budget - it will only stress me out, and isn't stress really bad for a pregnancy? So I think it is actually a smart move to forego the budget analysis. (snarky laugh)
Back to the list, because it is nice to feel prepared: Some second trimester activities done. Signed up for prenatal yoga class. Tracking weight gain. Not going to find out critter's gender until big surprise at birth (but my money is on a girl). Kids know and are excited. Got lots of maternity clothes and wearing them regularly. Adult time? Not with Kids. Some date nights, but wish I could date somebody else's Wife. Just sayin' Pets are prepared. Pets are already aware they have been demoted. Have childcare for new critter - do need to figure out who looks after Kids while I am in labor.
I even have a few of the third trimester activities already checked off. Pediatrician - check. Will work after birth - check. No circumcision - check. Crib set up - check. Yes, we got "big kid beds" for the Kids this weekend, and spent the day on Sunday setting them up, converting one of their toddler beds back into a crib and figuring out how all of that, plus two dressers and a changing table are going to fit into one bedroom. But I think it can be done. Girl absolutely loves her bed and bedding -- she looks so tiny in such a big bed. Boy splays out and almost fills the bed already. He looks like he belongs in this new bed and doesn't so much love it as much as feels completely at home in it. They are sometimes so completely different.
Wonder what the third will be like. (It is too late for anything to split into twins, right?)
Admittedly, I could be better about drinking water and getting to bed early. I am slightly behind on "choose a caregiver" because I don't particularly like the one I initially chose, so I have an appointment next week with a different midwife and we will see if this is a better match. And I am completely putting my head in the sand regarding "make a baby budget." Budgeting and I just don't seem to get along very well.
Each year, and often more times throughout the year, I make a budget -- but I don't follow it. I am terrible about following it. And somehow things work out in the end. I am always stressed about finances at the beginning of the year. Tax withholdings are highest, I have to meet my healthcare deductible, I get the bills from Christmas. It is an ugly financial time. So really, now is not the time to be looking at forming a budget - it will only stress me out, and isn't stress really bad for a pregnancy? So I think it is actually a smart move to forego the budget analysis. (snarky laugh)
Back to the list, because it is nice to feel prepared: Some second trimester activities done. Signed up for prenatal yoga class. Tracking weight gain. Not going to find out critter's gender until big surprise at birth (but my money is on a girl). Kids know and are excited. Got lots of maternity clothes and wearing them regularly. Adult time? Not with Kids. Some date nights, but wish I could date somebody else's Wife. Just sayin' Pets are prepared. Pets are already aware they have been demoted. Have childcare for new critter - do need to figure out who looks after Kids while I am in labor.
I even have a few of the third trimester activities already checked off. Pediatrician - check. Will work after birth - check. No circumcision - check. Crib set up - check. Yes, we got "big kid beds" for the Kids this weekend, and spent the day on Sunday setting them up, converting one of their toddler beds back into a crib and figuring out how all of that, plus two dressers and a changing table are going to fit into one bedroom. But I think it can be done. Girl absolutely loves her bed and bedding -- she looks so tiny in such a big bed. Boy splays out and almost fills the bed already. He looks like he belongs in this new bed and doesn't so much love it as much as feels completely at home in it. They are sometimes so completely different.
Wonder what the third will be like. (It is too late for anything to split into twins, right?)
Friday, January 28, 2011
Hodge Podge and Hormones
I forgot way back in January (January 11, to be exact), I graduated from the IVF clinic! Woo hoo. Conveniently I was at the midwife getting an ultrasound so the transition was pretty easy. Sadly the IVF clinic still sent me a bill for another $2,000. I thought everything was included! So bitter over that one.
Kiddo measured a little big I guess, because the midwife moved my due date up to August 12. I know, it isn't going to matter one day or another, which irks me a little - why bother changing it one or two days? Especially when we know on exactly which day "conception" took place. But anyway, now I have to white-out the highly decorated August 14 day in my calendar and put stars and such on a new day. Fortunately I hadn't started taking weekly/monthly belly shots yet because I would have to change all my 7w photos labels to 7w2d, etc. Seriously - what a pain!
I hope the belly shots will start tonight. I just have to figure out what to wear. I want to wear something that I will be able to squeeze into the entire pregnancy. But since I have no clue what size I will get...I know I am over thinking this, but that is what I do best. Plus I don't want to do the bra or underwear thing (even swimsuit top that looks like a bra) because Wife did it and it weirded people out to look at her all preggers and half naked. Whatever!
So I have quite a little pop/belly going on. Apparently (based on my new due date) I am officially 12 weeks today. So I have heard that it is probably all gas. Again, Whatever! I am pregnant and now I look pregnant - and have I mentioned recently that I feel pregnant? (yea, can't wait for this first trimester thing to be over so I can enjoy eating again.)
So between the nausea and the hemorrhoids (is that TMI?), I am really miserable here. I don't want to complain, but it is really my tush that is driving me batty. I sit at a desk all day and I am so uncomfortable. The only relief I get is when I take a warm bath in the evening. And that is getting really hard to do because Wife is getting tired of me not taking over for her the second I walk in the door. Which is leading to me getting really grumpy with her, so I am short, and then she is cranky with me and we are Not in a Good Place right now. I need a vacation from her.
On a good note, Kids are not driving me totally batty. Girl has been so super sweet, kinda like a leech that won't let me out of her sight when I am home, but nice and cuddly and supportive too. I am taking this wonderful (NOT!) magnesium powder to help combat the constipation and I totally overdid it. What I thought would be just a little fart turned into a bit more, as I was mortified to discover. I was quietly cleaning up my clothes when Girl noticed what I was doing. She looked at me with the most innocent look of wonder. "Did you have an accident, Mommy?" Me: Yes, I did. Her: Oh. Can we plan hide-and-seek? Thank you child for not making me feel like a complete loser! (Again, TMI? Sorry!)
I finally did it - I woke up early this morning and exercised before anyone woke up. I want to be physically active during my pregnancy - for endorphins, so I don't become a total blob, to support a strong labor, for so many reasons! And yet there were so many excuses not to - can't find the time, so so tired/need to sleep, feeling pukey, etc. We got a treadmill for Christmas because I knew I would never find the time to get to the gym. But then I discovered I can't use the treadmill when Kids are awake because they want to go on it with me (and they simply aren't coordinated enough and it is really stressful). So that restricted treadmill time to before 6:30 or after 9:00. I thought I would be able to do it late at night, but I have found that I don't have the juice. So this morning, I set the alarm for 6:00 and I only snoozed once. This left me an easy 20 minutes, which I considered a good start. And I actually felt really good this morning - a little more energetic for it. But yikes - tomorrow is the weekend. Do I wake up early again to continue "the trend" or do I wait to try again on Monday?
Have I mentioned that I want to bury Wife for a while? I think I brushed over my intense annoyance with her. She is so cranky. I can't stand her one-word answers and her defensiveness. I hate having to talk to her about anything because I know it is going to turn into a fight. She says "Dinner is obviously ready" and I say "why obviously?" and she says "Because I am not in the kitchen cooking." I am thinking this doesn't seem like an obvious conclusion to me...she could have not started yet (which was happening when we were eating late a few weeks ago because she was not feeling well so she didn't start dinner until I came home and she couldn't avoid it any longer), dinner could be in the oven (you know, a hands-off cooking approach like the casseroles I tend to make) or dinner could be done. Well, I said this -- I said I didn't think it was obvious and I explained myself (skipping the parts in parentheses) and her response: "You're an ass." Her response = totally uncalled for. But I see where she thinks I just pick on everything she says. So she says something is obvious, and I have to jump on her and say she is wrong, it isn't obvious. And I probably overreacted to being told something was obvious when it didn't feel that way to me. I know, hormones -- it is probably my fault, my doing. But in the state I am in, I don't much care. OK, not true. I care a lot, but I need some room. Well, I guess we both need some counseling and back-to-basics on communication skills. I am going to be under the hormonal influence for several more months and it isn't going to be pretty is we keep at each other's throats.
Other random thoughts of course, but this post is long enough. I am putting it in writing so I hopefully keep my focus - I want to blog every (work)day next week.
Kiddo measured a little big I guess, because the midwife moved my due date up to August 12. I know, it isn't going to matter one day or another, which irks me a little - why bother changing it one or two days? Especially when we know on exactly which day "conception" took place. But anyway, now I have to white-out the highly decorated August 14 day in my calendar and put stars and such on a new day. Fortunately I hadn't started taking weekly/monthly belly shots yet because I would have to change all my 7w photos labels to 7w2d, etc. Seriously - what a pain!
I hope the belly shots will start tonight. I just have to figure out what to wear. I want to wear something that I will be able to squeeze into the entire pregnancy. But since I have no clue what size I will get...I know I am over thinking this, but that is what I do best. Plus I don't want to do the bra or underwear thing (even swimsuit top that looks like a bra) because Wife did it and it weirded people out to look at her all preggers and half naked. Whatever!
So I have quite a little pop/belly going on. Apparently (based on my new due date) I am officially 12 weeks today. So I have heard that it is probably all gas. Again, Whatever! I am pregnant and now I look pregnant - and have I mentioned recently that I feel pregnant? (yea, can't wait for this first trimester thing to be over so I can enjoy eating again.)
So between the nausea and the hemorrhoids (is that TMI?), I am really miserable here. I don't want to complain, but it is really my tush that is driving me batty. I sit at a desk all day and I am so uncomfortable. The only relief I get is when I take a warm bath in the evening. And that is getting really hard to do because Wife is getting tired of me not taking over for her the second I walk in the door. Which is leading to me getting really grumpy with her, so I am short, and then she is cranky with me and we are Not in a Good Place right now. I need a vacation from her.
On a good note, Kids are not driving me totally batty. Girl has been so super sweet, kinda like a leech that won't let me out of her sight when I am home, but nice and cuddly and supportive too. I am taking this wonderful (NOT!) magnesium powder to help combat the constipation and I totally overdid it. What I thought would be just a little fart turned into a bit more, as I was mortified to discover. I was quietly cleaning up my clothes when Girl noticed what I was doing. She looked at me with the most innocent look of wonder. "Did you have an accident, Mommy?" Me: Yes, I did. Her: Oh. Can we plan hide-and-seek? Thank you child for not making me feel like a complete loser! (Again, TMI? Sorry!)
I finally did it - I woke up early this morning and exercised before anyone woke up. I want to be physically active during my pregnancy - for endorphins, so I don't become a total blob, to support a strong labor, for so many reasons! And yet there were so many excuses not to - can't find the time, so so tired/need to sleep, feeling pukey, etc. We got a treadmill for Christmas because I knew I would never find the time to get to the gym. But then I discovered I can't use the treadmill when Kids are awake because they want to go on it with me (and they simply aren't coordinated enough and it is really stressful). So that restricted treadmill time to before 6:30 or after 9:00. I thought I would be able to do it late at night, but I have found that I don't have the juice. So this morning, I set the alarm for 6:00 and I only snoozed once. This left me an easy 20 minutes, which I considered a good start. And I actually felt really good this morning - a little more energetic for it. But yikes - tomorrow is the weekend. Do I wake up early again to continue "the trend" or do I wait to try again on Monday?
Have I mentioned that I want to bury Wife for a while? I think I brushed over my intense annoyance with her. She is so cranky. I can't stand her one-word answers and her defensiveness. I hate having to talk to her about anything because I know it is going to turn into a fight. She says "Dinner is obviously ready" and I say "why obviously?" and she says "Because I am not in the kitchen cooking." I am thinking this doesn't seem like an obvious conclusion to me...she could have not started yet (which was happening when we were eating late a few weeks ago because she was not feeling well so she didn't start dinner until I came home and she couldn't avoid it any longer), dinner could be in the oven (you know, a hands-off cooking approach like the casseroles I tend to make) or dinner could be done. Well, I said this -- I said I didn't think it was obvious and I explained myself (skipping the parts in parentheses) and her response: "You're an ass." Her response = totally uncalled for. But I see where she thinks I just pick on everything she says. So she says something is obvious, and I have to jump on her and say she is wrong, it isn't obvious. And I probably overreacted to being told something was obvious when it didn't feel that way to me. I know, hormones -- it is probably my fault, my doing. But in the state I am in, I don't much care. OK, not true. I care a lot, but I need some room. Well, I guess we both need some counseling and back-to-basics on communication skills. I am going to be under the hormonal influence for several more months and it isn't going to be pretty is we keep at each other's throats.
Other random thoughts of course, but this post is long enough. I am putting it in writing so I hopefully keep my focus - I want to blog every (work)day next week.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Cat's Out of the Bag
Last Friday was fun at work - I came out as pregnant and got lots of hugs and congratulations. And coming in to work this morning, in my maternity pants (!), was so much fun. I haven't seen anybody yet, but I just feel so much happier knowing that I don't have to pretend to be gaining weight for bad reasons. And I get to feel as though my future baby is here with me in the office. Very cool!
So my boss, a guy, was very excited. He used to be a birthing coach (ick!) so we wanted a few extra details but overall was very cool. He stated flat out that now is time for me to relax, do my work but don't worry about coming in early or staying late. I told me my only concern was commuting toward the end of the pregnancy - at that time my company will have moved and the drive will be at least an hour each way. He immediately told me that I could work from home. (He then backtracked to say it would happen if he had anything to say about it, and hopefully we don't get any opposition from his boss, though, so it is not entirely set in stone.) Anyway, my boss is supportive and happy for me -- every time I saw him later in the day he was kinda gushing. Pretty funny!
Now my boss's boss was a little less enthusiastic. He said congratulations. When I assured him I would be returning to work, he mentioned that a lot of women change their minds, and he hopes I do come back but he would not hold it against me if I didn't. Ummm, does he know my life? As if I even have the option of not working? Besides the fact that staying home full-time would drive me batty, we have that little requirement of income. So unless I will the lottery, I will be back. (And if I win the lottery, I would still be working, only in a high school!)
So my boss's boss's boss (yes, I am that much of a peon in this organization) was also very excited for me. She talked about how she felt during her pregnancies. Told me to take good care of myself. Has no concerns about me coming back. Very excited to throw a baby shower (how cute is that?).
But the coolest part is that I felt so free telling everyone we did IVF and that it took a long time for me to get pregnant - it just felt so much better to share the struggle side along with the celebration. Also, I love how nobody asked how many babies and I didn't get any of the "good thing it isn't twins" response. (Turns out I am still a little sad about that one.) Overall a great experience and let's hope it doesn't come back to bite me.
So my boss, a guy, was very excited. He used to be a birthing coach (ick!) so we wanted a few extra details but overall was very cool. He stated flat out that now is time for me to relax, do my work but don't worry about coming in early or staying late. I told me my only concern was commuting toward the end of the pregnancy - at that time my company will have moved and the drive will be at least an hour each way. He immediately told me that I could work from home. (He then backtracked to say it would happen if he had anything to say about it, and hopefully we don't get any opposition from his boss, though, so it is not entirely set in stone.) Anyway, my boss is supportive and happy for me -- every time I saw him later in the day he was kinda gushing. Pretty funny!
Now my boss's boss was a little less enthusiastic. He said congratulations. When I assured him I would be returning to work, he mentioned that a lot of women change their minds, and he hopes I do come back but he would not hold it against me if I didn't. Ummm, does he know my life? As if I even have the option of not working? Besides the fact that staying home full-time would drive me batty, we have that little requirement of income. So unless I will the lottery, I will be back. (And if I win the lottery, I would still be working, only in a high school!)
So my boss's boss's boss (yes, I am that much of a peon in this organization) was also very excited for me. She talked about how she felt during her pregnancies. Told me to take good care of myself. Has no concerns about me coming back. Very excited to throw a baby shower (how cute is that?).
But the coolest part is that I felt so free telling everyone we did IVF and that it took a long time for me to get pregnant - it just felt so much better to share the struggle side along with the celebration. Also, I love how nobody asked how many babies and I didn't get any of the "good thing it isn't twins" response. (Turns out I am still a little sad about that one.) Overall a great experience and let's hope it doesn't come back to bite me.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Back in the Saddle
It has been too long since I have written and I feel its impact. I need this opportunity to focus on how I am doing and check in with myself. And so I vow to try harder to make time...
But first let me give excuses for why I have been gone so long
(1) I was out of town for 5 days and I only blog at work. At this point, Wife knows I have a blog, but since I don't want her reading it or mentioning it to anyone (or reading it!!!), I think it is best something that I reserve for when I am not with my family.
(2) Work has been crazy busy. With my boss asking me to drop everything and work on a top priority, confidential project needed in a few hours, and then his boss coming in and telling me the exact same thing, only in regards to a different project that I am not supposed to mention even to my boss. So I am in a pickle doing twice as much secret last-minute work than I really should be. And this is leaving very little time for me to get my real work done, much less fun things like blogging.
(3) I am pregnant. This brings with it a lack of energy, a shifty mind and a bag-full of guilt. I know I need to get over it, but honestly I wonder if I should just start a new blog so I don't have to worry about the people who are still struggling with infertility reading my vapid complaints and thinking what a callous heel I am. I know, they don't have to read this. They are big girls and well, I have seen my stats - nobody is reading this anyway! And yet I found it so helpful to have this blog as I was working through trying to get pregnant, and I don't know how to transition that into a "happy blog" that chronicles the other side. For some reason, a part of me is not ready to let infertility go. Is that weird?
While I was out of town, I saw a boat-load of family. Immediate family, extended family, extended in-law family. It was awesome that (mostly) everyone already knew I was pregnant. I was so open about the IVF that word had spread, and it was pretty fun to celebrate over and over. I heard lots of "you are glowing!" and it felt fantastic. When asked how I was feeling, my standard response was "Nauseous, but not complaining. Still no vomiting and in a strange way, feeling icky is reassuring." Of course I also wore a dress that made my pooch stick out a little bit more (even if it is only gas at this point). And I wore my elastic maternity pants. Because I worked hard for this pregnancy and I am going to celebrate it - the whole nine months!
And then there was my brother-in-law's sister-in-law, who I know has had a hard time trying to get pregnant with her third kid. Something is up, but I don't know what, where IVF isn't an option. And of course I couldn't say anything because I am not really supposed to know, and instead I didn't have any clue what to say to her about anything. I just wanted to make it easier for you, or as easy as it could be when she is at a party with my sister (who is 8 months pregnant), her other sister-in-law (who has a 3-month old) and me (10 weeks along). I wish I hadn't known anything.
But back to celebrating. I am thinking about telling my boss soon, as in tomorrow. I think it will be so much more fun when I don't have to hide it at work. I was originally going to wait until after bonus decisions, but it was just confirmed that we have no money for bonuses this year (drat!). So I don't think there is any reason for me to wait. It might help them understand why I have been looking so green lately. Plus my office neighbor, who is the only one at work who does know, says my boobs are getting really big and she is worried it may be obvious. So that's the plan for tomorrow.
Other than that, I need to go take a nap. All this writing is exhausting!
But first let me give excuses for why I have been gone so long
(1) I was out of town for 5 days and I only blog at work. At this point, Wife knows I have a blog, but since I don't want her reading it or mentioning it to anyone (or reading it!!!), I think it is best something that I reserve for when I am not with my family.
(2) Work has been crazy busy. With my boss asking me to drop everything and work on a top priority, confidential project needed in a few hours, and then his boss coming in and telling me the exact same thing, only in regards to a different project that I am not supposed to mention even to my boss. So I am in a pickle doing twice as much secret last-minute work than I really should be. And this is leaving very little time for me to get my real work done, much less fun things like blogging.
(3) I am pregnant. This brings with it a lack of energy, a shifty mind and a bag-full of guilt. I know I need to get over it, but honestly I wonder if I should just start a new blog so I don't have to worry about the people who are still struggling with infertility reading my vapid complaints and thinking what a callous heel I am. I know, they don't have to read this. They are big girls and well, I have seen my stats - nobody is reading this anyway! And yet I found it so helpful to have this blog as I was working through trying to get pregnant, and I don't know how to transition that into a "happy blog" that chronicles the other side. For some reason, a part of me is not ready to let infertility go. Is that weird?
While I was out of town, I saw a boat-load of family. Immediate family, extended family, extended in-law family. It was awesome that (mostly) everyone already knew I was pregnant. I was so open about the IVF that word had spread, and it was pretty fun to celebrate over and over. I heard lots of "you are glowing!" and it felt fantastic. When asked how I was feeling, my standard response was "Nauseous, but not complaining. Still no vomiting and in a strange way, feeling icky is reassuring." Of course I also wore a dress that made my pooch stick out a little bit more (even if it is only gas at this point). And I wore my elastic maternity pants. Because I worked hard for this pregnancy and I am going to celebrate it - the whole nine months!
And then there was my brother-in-law's sister-in-law, who I know has had a hard time trying to get pregnant with her third kid. Something is up, but I don't know what, where IVF isn't an option. And of course I couldn't say anything because I am not really supposed to know, and instead I didn't have any clue what to say to her about anything. I just wanted to make it easier for you, or as easy as it could be when she is at a party with my sister (who is 8 months pregnant), her other sister-in-law (who has a 3-month old) and me (10 weeks along). I wish I hadn't known anything.
But back to celebrating. I am thinking about telling my boss soon, as in tomorrow. I think it will be so much more fun when I don't have to hide it at work. I was originally going to wait until after bonus decisions, but it was just confirmed that we have no money for bonuses this year (drat!). So I don't think there is any reason for me to wait. It might help them understand why I have been looking so green lately. Plus my office neighbor, who is the only one at work who does know, says my boobs are getting really big and she is worried it may be obvious. So that's the plan for tomorrow.
Other than that, I need to go take a nap. All this writing is exhausting!
Monday, January 10, 2011
Elastic pants with really big tummy covers
Yesterday was my last progesterone coochie pill. Can a get a woohoo? I think this means I am officially pregnant for real. Of course, I have to get blood work tomorrow to confirm that I am creating enough hormones on my own, but I feel good that I am. I wonder if I will feel less nauseated when I am on my own hormones. A girl can dream.
9w1d and things still going well. I had another ultrasound last Friday. "Kidney Bean" or "KB" measured in at 8w4d, just as he or she should. I can't believe how much KB is starting to look like a little baby. I say little arm buds and leg buds and that wonderfully sparkling heartbeat. I have an appointment with the midwife tomorrow to transfer from the IVF clinic to mainstream care. That means another ultrasound!
Wife went out last week and bought me a whole bunch of maternity clothes. Mostly pants. I feel silly wearing them because I am not technically showing yet. I am just bigger -- putting on a few pounds due to eating to avoid tossing my cookies and the weight does seem to have distributed differently. I asked the one co-worker who knows I am pregnant to tell me when I stopped "passing as fat" so I can tell my boss before it is too obvious. She said she sees no difference, but asked if perhaps my boobs were bigger. They are. She cautioned me because in her experience men don't notice when tummies get bigger, just when boobs do. So I am wearing jackets and minimizing my top at work. At home, I put on the pants with the elastic waist and go to town. They may not be attractive but they are super comfortable. Plus they make me feel pregnant. So while I may not completely need them, they sure are fun.
9w1d and things still going well. I had another ultrasound last Friday. "Kidney Bean" or "KB" measured in at 8w4d, just as he or she should. I can't believe how much KB is starting to look like a little baby. I say little arm buds and leg buds and that wonderfully sparkling heartbeat. I have an appointment with the midwife tomorrow to transfer from the IVF clinic to mainstream care. That means another ultrasound!
Wife went out last week and bought me a whole bunch of maternity clothes. Mostly pants. I feel silly wearing them because I am not technically showing yet. I am just bigger -- putting on a few pounds due to eating to avoid tossing my cookies and the weight does seem to have distributed differently. I asked the one co-worker who knows I am pregnant to tell me when I stopped "passing as fat" so I can tell my boss before it is too obvious. She said she sees no difference, but asked if perhaps my boobs were bigger. They are. She cautioned me because in her experience men don't notice when tummies get bigger, just when boobs do. So I am wearing jackets and minimizing my top at work. At home, I put on the pants with the elastic waist and go to town. They may not be attractive but they are super comfortable. Plus they make me feel pregnant. So while I may not completely need them, they sure are fun.
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