Unless it is found on an ultrasound. Then it looks awesome!!!
We found ONE strong heartbeat and I suppose it is official: I am pregnant. Half of me is flying over the moon right now. I am so excited. It is real. My friends all say I am glowing - and I feel it. I feel pretty good overall and mentally I am much less scared that anything will happen to this pregnancy (other than birth at the end). I saw my little baby today. Amazing!
The other half of me? So embarrassed to say that she is disappointed not to be having twins. I mean, my family really doesn't need twins. We can barely afford the ones we have already, etc. etc. Maybe it is that having one baby after having twins is "less"? Maybe it is part fear of something new? OMIGOD - I am going to be able to get some sleep the first few months. (Not a lot, but some!) But my little baby isn't going to have a twin. Isn't going to have an automatic best buddy. My little baby is going to be a singleton. Is it wrong that it makes me kinda sad?
So I figure these feelings might stick around for a day or so. I have no doubt that I will get over them eventually. But I have to say I am a little torn and while I wish I were having a totally exuberant day, I guess I just have to realize that quite a bit about pregnancy, birth and motherhood may surprise me. And I am just going to have to roll with it, 'cuz that's the type of gal I am (or at least the type I want to be).
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
One Week Until Ultrasound
So what is it going to be - one, two or three? Everyone keeps asking me if I have a sense. Of course they mean well, but this drives me crazy. Only because I don't have a sense, and I so wish I did. I feel like I missed out on sensing I was pregnant because of the progesterone I was taking. Of course I felt pregnant, but I couldn't say whether that feeling was from injections or because I was in touch with my body. And now I have another opportunity to feel what is going on inside me. And I am clueless. Seriously, how does 5w4d feel different for one compared with for two? I have nothing to compare it to anyway. And so I have to just take a random guess, because they want to hear something. So I say that I think it may be two, I am hoping for one (which is kinda true), but I don't think it is three.
But all I have to say is that it is a good thing I got pregnant a several weeks ago. For the past two weeks nobody in my house has slept due to colds, fevers and ear infections. And this has made my house a very yucky place to be. The kids are crying at the drop of a hat. They have no emotional control. And after hours of listening to them screaming, neither do Wife and I. We are all in serious need of a vacation from illness. Instead I think we are going to carry these germs with us right into the new year - I just don't see how we would be able to stop long enough to rest up and get better. Too many trips coming up. Fun trips, but is it wrong of me to be a little nervous about hanging out with in-laws without alcohol?
At least by then we will know the number so people can start asking about names rather than what I am feeling.
But all I have to say is that it is a good thing I got pregnant a several weeks ago. For the past two weeks nobody in my house has slept due to colds, fevers and ear infections. And this has made my house a very yucky place to be. The kids are crying at the drop of a hat. They have no emotional control. And after hours of listening to them screaming, neither do Wife and I. We are all in serious need of a vacation from illness. Instead I think we are going to carry these germs with us right into the new year - I just don't see how we would be able to stop long enough to rest up and get better. Too many trips coming up. Fun trips, but is it wrong of me to be a little nervous about hanging out with in-laws without alcohol?
At least by then we will know the number so people can start asking about names rather than what I am feeling.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
I miss Nyquil!
I was up most of the night with this darn cold. You know how "they" say if you sneeze with your eyes open your eyeballs will pop out? I have this irrational fear I will eject a fetus if I sneeze without pushing my knees together. And coughing is just downright painful. Please let me get healthy soon!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Boo hoo - I have a cold
There is nothing new to report since I am seriously sidelined by a nasty cold. I miss my Nyquil! But really, not complaining. Not nauseated today, and given the choice I think I would take runny nose over nausea.
About to go out with Wife and friends for "drinks." Will try very hard not to appear bored. Mustering up energy to fake being interested in Wife. I know that sounds callous and harsh, which is why I write it hear instead of saying it. I really really want to love her, but I just can't seem to these days. I spent over an hour this morning listening to her yell at Kids to stop yelling! Yes, they are obnoxiously loud these days, but I guarantee she wouldn't have seen the contradiction in her actions. But overall we have done a better job of not fighting this week. I just wonder if it is because I am avoiding issues and not speaking up for myself or if it is because we are making progress on not pissing each other off. Too soon to call.
Meanwhile gearing up for a busy weekend and resting as much as possible. Trying not to think too hard about the ultrasound next Thursday, which seems like an eternity away. So sad it had to be rescheduled from Tuesday. Would love to know how many are in there. I think I am going to be sad if there isn't two. But if I were honest, two would not be good for us. Twins is hard. Really hard. And 4 kids is a lot of kids. I know that our lives would be so much easier if we were to have a singleton. But part of me loves the fact that my Kids have each other in a way that can't be reproduced for a singleton. And part of it is selfish -- I want to belong to the twin group through direct experience.Why? I don't know. I get that I belong, that I am very involved with raising twins, and that is its own challenge. But I wonder what it would be like to be pregnant with twins. I mean, if being pregnant is an amazing experience, I can only imagine what being pregnant with twins must be like. And yet, I know twins would not be the best for me or for my family. And ultimately what is, is. So I will try over the next few days to consider removing disappointment as a possible response no matter what we see next week.
About to go out with Wife and friends for "drinks." Will try very hard not to appear bored. Mustering up energy to fake being interested in Wife. I know that sounds callous and harsh, which is why I write it hear instead of saying it. I really really want to love her, but I just can't seem to these days. I spent over an hour this morning listening to her yell at Kids to stop yelling! Yes, they are obnoxiously loud these days, but I guarantee she wouldn't have seen the contradiction in her actions. But overall we have done a better job of not fighting this week. I just wonder if it is because I am avoiding issues and not speaking up for myself or if it is because we are making progress on not pissing each other off. Too soon to call.
Meanwhile gearing up for a busy weekend and resting as much as possible. Trying not to think too hard about the ultrasound next Thursday, which seems like an eternity away. So sad it had to be rescheduled from Tuesday. Would love to know how many are in there. I think I am going to be sad if there isn't two. But if I were honest, two would not be good for us. Twins is hard. Really hard. And 4 kids is a lot of kids. I know that our lives would be so much easier if we were to have a singleton. But part of me loves the fact that my Kids have each other in a way that can't be reproduced for a singleton. And part of it is selfish -- I want to belong to the twin group through direct experience.Why? I don't know. I get that I belong, that I am very involved with raising twins, and that is its own challenge. But I wonder what it would be like to be pregnant with twins. I mean, if being pregnant is an amazing experience, I can only imagine what being pregnant with twins must be like. And yet, I know twins would not be the best for me or for my family. And ultimately what is, is. So I will try over the next few days to consider removing disappointment as a possible response no matter what we see next week.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Next Goals
So I am finally starting to accept the idea that I am pregnant - and that fear about something happening to this pregnancy is just not productive. So instead I am refocusing my attention to two things: eating well and addressing my relationship with Wife. [And as a result, I am pretty sure this blog will no longer be of interest to anyone from the IF world. Just saying....]
So for (1): I feel like I am eating all the time. And I am okay with this in that it makes me feel much better, and I understand gaining weight is part of being pregnant. The funny thing is that I am usually so totally unperturbed by my weight, and I generally run about 10-15 pounds over "ideal" weight. I am a good size 10, and nobody would call me skinny or fat. But over the last year, for some reason (probably stress from trying to get pregnant), I lost 10 pounds. And I like how it looked on me. Even more important, I like how my clothes were so much more comfortable! But yes, I gained that 10 pounds right back during the fresh IVF cycle, the weight came right off when the cycle didn't work/the hormones wore off, but it came right back on during FET cycle. So I am starting the pregnancy up 10 pounds. And now I am supposed to spend all day eating? Isn't that going to wreak total havoc with my weight? Isn't it true that at the beginning you aren't supposed to gain much weight? How does this happen if I am munching on saltines and ginger cookies all the time? If I am going to be eating all day, I want to be sure I am eating nutritious foods and I would like not to pack on too many pounds before the critter (or critters) need the extra calories. So I have to figure out what that means.
And for (2): I don't really have a plan for this one, but I want to formally acknowledge that I need to work on it and that I am not ignoring the issue. I finally feel more hormonally stable, even if I feel like crap energetically, and it is time for me to stand up for myself. I wish I didn't see it becoming adversarial but I have a strong sense that is unavoidable. Wife's defensive ways are so ingrained, she is all about fault and blame, all the time. But this is not my fault and I am not to blame. And I don't deserve the attitude and tone she gives me. So first item: read The Verbally Abusive Relationship and see what that brings up. Lots of "stuff" for posts I suppose.
So for (1): I feel like I am eating all the time. And I am okay with this in that it makes me feel much better, and I understand gaining weight is part of being pregnant. The funny thing is that I am usually so totally unperturbed by my weight, and I generally run about 10-15 pounds over "ideal" weight. I am a good size 10, and nobody would call me skinny or fat. But over the last year, for some reason (probably stress from trying to get pregnant), I lost 10 pounds. And I like how it looked on me. Even more important, I like how my clothes were so much more comfortable! But yes, I gained that 10 pounds right back during the fresh IVF cycle, the weight came right off when the cycle didn't work/the hormones wore off, but it came right back on during FET cycle. So I am starting the pregnancy up 10 pounds. And now I am supposed to spend all day eating? Isn't that going to wreak total havoc with my weight? Isn't it true that at the beginning you aren't supposed to gain much weight? How does this happen if I am munching on saltines and ginger cookies all the time? If I am going to be eating all day, I want to be sure I am eating nutritious foods and I would like not to pack on too many pounds before the critter (or critters) need the extra calories. So I have to figure out what that means.
And for (2): I don't really have a plan for this one, but I want to formally acknowledge that I need to work on it and that I am not ignoring the issue. I finally feel more hormonally stable, even if I feel like crap energetically, and it is time for me to stand up for myself. I wish I didn't see it becoming adversarial but I have a strong sense that is unavoidable. Wife's defensive ways are so ingrained, she is all about fault and blame, all the time. But this is not my fault and I am not to blame. And I don't deserve the attitude and tone she gives me. So first item: read The Verbally Abusive Relationship and see what that brings up. Lots of "stuff" for posts I suppose.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Oh No - back to Fear
Suddenly Fear has reared its ugly head. All of a sudden I formulated a grand explanation to support the idea that I am no longer pregnant. Irrational? Paranoid? Unfounded? Yes. Yes. Yes. But here it is anyway:
(1) Maybe the reason the clinic didn't want me to go in for additional betas was because the doctor knows the numbers won't be doubling. He is giving me 2 weeks to feel pregnant and I will find out there is nothing there at the ultrasound. Then he doesn't have to tell me the bad news on the phone.I know this is ridiculous - why would anyone want me to find out in person, at the ultrasound? But isn't it odd that I didn't go back for additional betas? I was so busy and thankful that I didn't have to drive the few hours to get additional testing that I didn't stop and think about how rare that is. In all the blogs that I have read (surely not all of them, but not a small number either), that has never been the case. Just weird.
(2) I am not as nauseated today as I used to be. I was actually fine not eating first thing in the morning, and a piece of toast an hour after waking kept me fine for hours. It used to be I had to eat almost constantly to keep from feeling queasy. The logical part of my brain reminds me that my nausea usually hits its stride around 2pm and parties through the evening. Not a morning-type nausea. But the irrational, worried part of me does not like feeling fine. (How twisted is that?)
(3) I just realized that I fell asleep last night without taking my prenatal. I don't know that this is a sign as much as a indicator that maybe my body knows taking the prenatal is not as important as I might otherwise think. Silly. I know.
(4) As soon as I admitted my fear, I started to get major cramping in my lower left abdominal area. What's up with that? (Prior cramping and pangs have almost always been on the right side, or sometimes both sides, but never just the left side.)
And this has gotten me seriously considering buying more HPTs. Will daily pee tests help me make it to ultrasound? I still have 2 weeks to wait - Please don't let me go crazy in the meantime!
(1) Maybe the reason the clinic didn't want me to go in for additional betas was because the doctor knows the numbers won't be doubling. He is giving me 2 weeks to feel pregnant and I will find out there is nothing there at the ultrasound. Then he doesn't have to tell me the bad news on the phone.I know this is ridiculous - why would anyone want me to find out in person, at the ultrasound? But isn't it odd that I didn't go back for additional betas? I was so busy and thankful that I didn't have to drive the few hours to get additional testing that I didn't stop and think about how rare that is. In all the blogs that I have read (surely not all of them, but not a small number either), that has never been the case. Just weird.
(2) I am not as nauseated today as I used to be. I was actually fine not eating first thing in the morning, and a piece of toast an hour after waking kept me fine for hours. It used to be I had to eat almost constantly to keep from feeling queasy. The logical part of my brain reminds me that my nausea usually hits its stride around 2pm and parties through the evening. Not a morning-type nausea. But the irrational, worried part of me does not like feeling fine. (How twisted is that?)
(3) I just realized that I fell asleep last night without taking my prenatal. I don't know that this is a sign as much as a indicator that maybe my body knows taking the prenatal is not as important as I might otherwise think. Silly. I know.
(4) As soon as I admitted my fear, I started to get major cramping in my lower left abdominal area. What's up with that? (Prior cramping and pangs have almost always been on the right side, or sometimes both sides, but never just the left side.)
And this has gotten me seriously considering buying more HPTs. Will daily pee tests help me make it to ultrasound? I still have 2 weeks to wait - Please don't let me go crazy in the meantime!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Bitten by the Happy Bug
It is finally seeping in...joy. happiness. excitement. wonder.
I had a biometric screening at work today in order to get company money toward my health care premiums. I got to check "pregnant" on the intake form. Woo hoo!
I actually told someone today that I was pregnant and didn't use the disclaimer "but it is still early, so we will see..." because that is always the case. And I want to be thinking positively. And there is really no reason that I should feel negatively. I mean sure, bad things happen. But so do good things. And I am going to put my faith in the good.
I think I may have been bitten by a happy bug. Or maybe the holiday bee. Or maybe this little critter inside me is an optimist by nature. Either way, I am feeling really uplifted these last few days.
I had a biometric screening at work today in order to get company money toward my health care premiums. I got to check "pregnant" on the intake form. Woo hoo!
I actually told someone today that I was pregnant and didn't use the disclaimer "but it is still early, so we will see..." because that is always the case. And I want to be thinking positively. And there is really no reason that I should feel negatively. I mean sure, bad things happen. But so do good things. And I am going to put my faith in the good.
I think I may have been bitten by a happy bug. Or maybe the holiday bee. Or maybe this little critter inside me is an optimist by nature. Either way, I am feeling really uplifted these last few days.
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