I made it through another work day without testing. This is a big feat for this Bad At Waiting gal. I think I am going to test tomorrow morning though.
Meanwhile, preparing for a session with Wife and Counselor. Not sure if I should toe the party line and say things are fine or open a can worms that will surely land me feeling Lonely and Angry. At this exact moment, things with Wife are fine. I feel Lonely and Ok. That is better than Lonely and Angry. But to break out of Lonely I am going to need to reestablish a connection, which may require uglier days before it gets better. I just don't know if I have the energy for it.
On a brighter note, I ran across some thoughts on Equal Parenting (I'll add a link when I figure out how) that really intrigued me. That opened my mind to me role as parent, teaching and parenting, while I am at work. Parenting is not only done when you are with the kids. So I am definitely going to look into that more and how it could help me feel better about the roles Wife and I play.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Not Testing, Yet
So I had the realization last night as I drove home that there is very little good that can come out of my doing a HPT. Sure, I can easily imagine the almost candy-like experience of peeing on the stick and watching it turn to "Pregnant." And then I would have a positive stick as my souvenir. That is the upside. The downside? I could get a negative, and then I have two days of living in Funk until my bloodwork on Friday. So with this in mind, I formulated a plan. I will test on Friday, right before my bloodwork. That way I get to possibly have the experience, but I also don't have to wait too long to hear actual results.
That *was* my plan anyway. I called my sister and left this plan on her answering machine since she was (somehow?) busy with her own life or her own 5 kids. I was bummed. Then I told my plan to Wife. Her first reaction, other than to smile, was to ask "Did you come up with this yourself?" Then she said she was really proud of me when I said I had. Hmm... And so my plan was in place.
Until this morning. Quick talk with my sister while she was chaperoning a play date. Her take: a negative test just means it was too early. If I could keep that in mind and not go Freaky, there really is no harm in doing the test. She got 2 negatives on one of her kids. It was just too early. And then she had to go.
Meanwhile, gears are starting to shift in my head. Could I approach the results like this? Could I avoid Funk and go for Glory? I am dying to run to the bathroom at work and peed on that blasted stick already. It is like a scab I am only just by the skin of my teeth able to stop picking. Or a bruise that I am dying to push just to see if it still hurts, but somehow I am able to resist, only barely. But I think about All The Time.
The only thing that really keeps me back is wanting to use my first morning pee. Otherwise I would SOO be there already!
That *was* my plan anyway. I called my sister and left this plan on her answering machine since she was (somehow?) busy with her own life or her own 5 kids. I was bummed. Then I told my plan to Wife. Her first reaction, other than to smile, was to ask "Did you come up with this yourself?" Then she said she was really proud of me when I said I had. Hmm... And so my plan was in place.
Until this morning. Quick talk with my sister while she was chaperoning a play date. Her take: a negative test just means it was too early. If I could keep that in mind and not go Freaky, there really is no harm in doing the test. She got 2 negatives on one of her kids. It was just too early. And then she had to go.
Meanwhile, gears are starting to shift in my head. Could I approach the results like this? Could I avoid Funk and go for Glory? I am dying to run to the bathroom at work and peed on that blasted stick already. It is like a scab I am only just by the skin of my teeth able to stop picking. Or a bruise that I am dying to push just to see if it still hurts, but somehow I am able to resist, only barely. But I think about All The Time.
The only thing that really keeps me back is wanting to use my first morning pee. Otherwise I would SOO be there already!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Fear of Optimism - what's that about?
So it has been a few days since posts, mostly because I have had big problems getting out of my head. I am so consumed with the idea of being pregnant, the fear of not being pregnant, the anxiety of both. In some ways I wish I were able to be the stoic type who kept it all in, but no, I have a big mouth. So I have told everyone and their brother (except for at work) that I am trying to get pregnant, which means that I kinda set myself up - kinda. Everyone wants an email on Wednesday (tomorrow!) when I pee on a stick. The official blood test by the doctor isn't until Friday. But the doctor said a HPT might be accurate on Wednesday. Of course I am an inpatient fool so I peed on a stick yesterday. It was negative. I was devastated. I don't know what to think now. Wife says I am still acting weird and she knows I am pregnant. Acupuncture-clairvoyant acted as though I were pregnant. Am I? I am SOOO bad at waiting. I am talking rally, really bad. I can't sleep. I can't work. I should have just taken this week off.
So then I got to thinking about how I finally feel physically ok - which of course scares me, maybe I am not pregnant because I no longer feel anything different - and I am already into my next complaint. I was feeling so awfully uncomfortable last week. Just crazy yucky. And it seems like ages ago. A lot has happened in the last two weeks. Two weeks ago I took my last stim shot - I was still growing eggs! So maybe I need to cut myself some slack and S L O W down. I can see myself going through the entire pregnancy jumping from one complaint to another and getting to the end and realizing I forgot to enjoy it. How sad!
So I am going to attempt a shift of perspective. I would like to capture the moment as I am experiencing it, to still be honest and not just fluff, but I would SOOO love it if I were able to recognize the good parts of the experience too. (Disclaimer: this idea scares the crap out of me. I don't know why I am having that reaction. My first reaction was I don't know how to do this. But I realized that I do have the capacity to do it. I am resourceful and I can figure out a way if I am committed to it. And then whoosh - fear. What is that about?)
So then I got to thinking about how I finally feel physically ok - which of course scares me, maybe I am not pregnant because I no longer feel anything different - and I am already into my next complaint. I was feeling so awfully uncomfortable last week. Just crazy yucky. And it seems like ages ago. A lot has happened in the last two weeks. Two weeks ago I took my last stim shot - I was still growing eggs! So maybe I need to cut myself some slack and S L O W down. I can see myself going through the entire pregnancy jumping from one complaint to another and getting to the end and realizing I forgot to enjoy it. How sad!
So I am going to attempt a shift of perspective. I would like to capture the moment as I am experiencing it, to still be honest and not just fluff, but I would SOOO love it if I were able to recognize the good parts of the experience too. (Disclaimer: this idea scares the crap out of me. I don't know why I am having that reaction. My first reaction was I don't know how to do this. But I realized that I do have the capacity to do it. I am resourceful and I can figure out a way if I am committed to it. And then whoosh - fear. What is that about?)
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Sleep Issue 1, Mom 0
Really I shouldn't even pretend to keep score because the true tally would be so far out of my favor. Incredibly unbalanced towards Kids. Things had been going better. I had been able to get both Kids to sleep in about 40 minutes, without losing my temper. I had a good thing going where I repeated to myself "Your job is just to be here for them. They will fall asleep eventually. Your role is not to get mad - stay calm."
But something changed last week when both kids were sick and not sleeping well, and now neither is falling asleep without serious effort. They just don't want to sleep. (I don't think they are doing enough during the day, especially with Wife feeling sick so they watch a lot of tv and hang out at the house.) So they are not quite tired enough? or maybe it is a growth spurt or maybe them falling asleep relatively easily for a few weeks was just a fluke. Either way, things suck now. And still, I was doing a good job of not getting mad, staying calm and seeing it through. I can handle 30 minutes pretty easily. Around 40 minutes my blood does start to boil, though, and I wonder how I can actually DISLIKE my kids so much? Why won't they just stuck the F up, close their eyes and go to sleep? Why do they push me so much? It literally drives me batty and yet today, I was doing such a great job of not reacting, not getting caught up in it. And so it escalated. When Boy didn't get a reaction out of me, he stepped it up a notch. He started screaming for me, whining, begging and pleading for a new shirt. I maintained my calmness and told him "night night" like they say. "Don't engage - say nothing or night night" But this just made him more mad, and his pleading took on a tortured edge. He finally calmed down from the frantic begging to ask me more calmly for a new shirt. And I did what I thought was right - I laid him back down, gently (even though I wanted to wring his neck) and did not engage. I sat by his bed while he screamed and cried. And that is where I was when Wife came in their bedroom and asked what I was doing. Told me Boy had screamed and asked nicely and I needed to respond to him. So I left the bedroom and told her she could do it her way. Her response? I don't remember the exact words, but something along the lines of "No, I am not doing it. But you better do it my way or I am going to come in and undermine you again." At this point both Kids are screaming for Wife, and I think I can try to get them to sleep, but the second I walk in the bedroom I know I am going to lose it with them and I don't want to do that. I don't want to yell at them any more. I don't want to end the day mad at them and them knowing I am mad and unhappy with them. So I tell them I love them, it is time to go to sleep and I leave the room. I go in our bathroom because I don't know what else to do. I hear Wife go in with the Kids, so I go for a walk. I needed to get out. It felt good.
But honestly, I just don't know what to do. I have no F-ing clue what I am doing, and I am so sick of getting nailed for trying. I know I don't like how things are. I don't like how things have been. I can't say I have been parenting consistent with my parenting philosophy, and I have no clue if Wife even has an idea how she wants to parent. Well, maybe she has an idea but I seriously doubt that she cares about not being a better parent. I don't think she has a problem with yelling at the Kids. I don't think she has a problem with belittling them. She clearly does not have a problem with bribery or getting them to listen only when a Token is involved. And she is terribly overprotective. And rigid and controlling. And for all her love, she is not very nurturing. She is not very supportive. She thinks the world of Kids, and danger to anyone (including me) who tries to criticize them. But she doesn't really build their esteem very much. Instead she holds them back - doesn't let them try new things and experience successes and failures.
A friend emailed me this evening - we were possibly watching her twins for a night while she and her wife celebrated their anniversary. She declined our offer. (Granted, she got a better offer. Another friend is going to stay at her house so her kids can be in their own beds, etc. But something tells me she shopped for this better solution.) But the truth is, I don't blame her. I don't know how I would feel leaving my kids in our house. That's a pretty bad sign. But what am I going to do about it? Well, as my accupuncturist would say, that is the question you need to sit with until you have the answer. Sitting. Sitting.
But something changed last week when both kids were sick and not sleeping well, and now neither is falling asleep without serious effort. They just don't want to sleep. (I don't think they are doing enough during the day, especially with Wife feeling sick so they watch a lot of tv and hang out at the house.) So they are not quite tired enough? or maybe it is a growth spurt or maybe them falling asleep relatively easily for a few weeks was just a fluke. Either way, things suck now. And still, I was doing a good job of not getting mad, staying calm and seeing it through. I can handle 30 minutes pretty easily. Around 40 minutes my blood does start to boil, though, and I wonder how I can actually DISLIKE my kids so much? Why won't they just stuck the F up, close their eyes and go to sleep? Why do they push me so much? It literally drives me batty and yet today, I was doing such a great job of not reacting, not getting caught up in it. And so it escalated. When Boy didn't get a reaction out of me, he stepped it up a notch. He started screaming for me, whining, begging and pleading for a new shirt. I maintained my calmness and told him "night night" like they say. "Don't engage - say nothing or night night" But this just made him more mad, and his pleading took on a tortured edge. He finally calmed down from the frantic begging to ask me more calmly for a new shirt. And I did what I thought was right - I laid him back down, gently (even though I wanted to wring his neck) and did not engage. I sat by his bed while he screamed and cried. And that is where I was when Wife came in their bedroom and asked what I was doing. Told me Boy had screamed and asked nicely and I needed to respond to him. So I left the bedroom and told her she could do it her way. Her response? I don't remember the exact words, but something along the lines of "No, I am not doing it. But you better do it my way or I am going to come in and undermine you again." At this point both Kids are screaming for Wife, and I think I can try to get them to sleep, but the second I walk in the bedroom I know I am going to lose it with them and I don't want to do that. I don't want to yell at them any more. I don't want to end the day mad at them and them knowing I am mad and unhappy with them. So I tell them I love them, it is time to go to sleep and I leave the room. I go in our bathroom because I don't know what else to do. I hear Wife go in with the Kids, so I go for a walk. I needed to get out. It felt good.
But honestly, I just don't know what to do. I have no F-ing clue what I am doing, and I am so sick of getting nailed for trying. I know I don't like how things are. I don't like how things have been. I can't say I have been parenting consistent with my parenting philosophy, and I have no clue if Wife even has an idea how she wants to parent. Well, maybe she has an idea but I seriously doubt that she cares about not being a better parent. I don't think she has a problem with yelling at the Kids. I don't think she has a problem with belittling them. She clearly does not have a problem with bribery or getting them to listen only when a Token is involved. And she is terribly overprotective. And rigid and controlling. And for all her love, she is not very nurturing. She is not very supportive. She thinks the world of Kids, and danger to anyone (including me) who tries to criticize them. But she doesn't really build their esteem very much. Instead she holds them back - doesn't let them try new things and experience successes and failures.
A friend emailed me this evening - we were possibly watching her twins for a night while she and her wife celebrated their anniversary. She declined our offer. (Granted, she got a better offer. Another friend is going to stay at her house so her kids can be in their own beds, etc. But something tells me she shopped for this better solution.) But the truth is, I don't blame her. I don't know how I would feel leaving my kids in our house. That's a pretty bad sign. But what am I going to do about it? Well, as my accupuncturist would say, that is the question you need to sit with until you have the answer. Sitting. Sitting.
So I am finally starting to emerge from my severe hormonal funk. At least I hope this is the start of something more even, and I REALLY hope this isn't a sign that I am not pregnant. I still feel a lot going on "down there" but not the same sort of cramping. There hasn't been any spotting or anything. I am so superstitious about this all. Is it bad to want to so much?
So I am feeling better emotionally, MUCH more patient with the Kids this morning. But I still cant' muster up any enthusiasm for work. Really. I have spent the day reading blogs and paying bills and just generally wasting time. I might say I can't wait until it's time to go home, but that is when my real work begins - I don't get a free second to sit down from when I walk in the door until Wife does bath. The Kids are so excited to see me (yes, it does feel wonderful) and they just want to play (and yes, I do feel bad that sometimes it seems like a chore) I am just so tired! I can't tell you what I am tired from, except maybe boredom, but it is really hard to get up the energy to play with them. I am sure this is all part of the depression I am experiencing. My abdomen hurts so I am not comfortable getting up and down, and I am too sensitive to play rough and tumble. But honestly, it is the whining that gets to me most. When did my children become such whiners? Is it the age or is it the temperament or it is that I didn't wipe it out at the beginning? I am leaning toward temperament. But how annoying is that?
So I do have a project. I am alarmed at how much juice my kids drink. Wife does not share my views that juice is evil. She does water it down (1 part juice to 3 parts water) but since Kids drink cups and cups of this mixture, they are drinking a lot of juice! I don't think she knows how much it all adds up. So that is my project for this afternoon. And hopefully someday soon I will have the nerve to approach Wife about it, and hopefully she will not rip me a new one and we an come to an appropriate, mature decision that reflects both our parenting desires. Ha!
So I am feeling better emotionally, MUCH more patient with the Kids this morning. But I still cant' muster up any enthusiasm for work. Really. I have spent the day reading blogs and paying bills and just generally wasting time. I might say I can't wait until it's time to go home, but that is when my real work begins - I don't get a free second to sit down from when I walk in the door until Wife does bath. The Kids are so excited to see me (yes, it does feel wonderful) and they just want to play (and yes, I do feel bad that sometimes it seems like a chore) I am just so tired! I can't tell you what I am tired from, except maybe boredom, but it is really hard to get up the energy to play with them. I am sure this is all part of the depression I am experiencing. My abdomen hurts so I am not comfortable getting up and down, and I am too sensitive to play rough and tumble. But honestly, it is the whining that gets to me most. When did my children become such whiners? Is it the age or is it the temperament or it is that I didn't wipe it out at the beginning? I am leaning toward temperament. But how annoying is that?
So I do have a project. I am alarmed at how much juice my kids drink. Wife does not share my views that juice is evil. She does water it down (1 part juice to 3 parts water) but since Kids drink cups and cups of this mixture, they are drinking a lot of juice! I don't think she knows how much it all adds up. So that is my project for this afternoon. And hopefully someday soon I will have the nerve to approach Wife about it, and hopefully she will not rip me a new one and we an come to an appropriate, mature decision that reflects both our parenting desires. Ha!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Is it Me?
OK, so I am just an emotional wreck right now and I am so frustrated with Wife, who just seems to leave me hanging all the time. And I can't figure out if it is just me being overly emotional and sensitive or if she is underly emotional and insensitive. Tonight was not a good night for me and the kids. Normal routine includes bath at 7, books at 7:30, in bed by 8 and it is anyone's guess what time kids actually fall asleep while I sit in the room, alternately holding Girl's hand and sitting on the edge of Boy's bed. We do not have good sleepers and we have a whole slew of bad habits that prolong the process (long story that I might go into someday, but probably not - it is what it is). Anyway, Wife has been giving Kids the bath so I get a few minutes of rest between work/dinner and being in the bedroom for at least an hour. Tonight I thought I would be nice and offered to do bath since Wife had a soccer game at 8:50 (who plans a game that late???) for the second day in a row and she was exhausted. Well, bath was what it was, a little more animated than when Wife does it, but they got clean, in pjs, finished books, in bed, and then kids would not go to sleep. At all. They would not stop talking. They would not stop jumping out of bed. They would not even try to lay down. They had no intention of pretending to try to fall asleep, and although I am not proud of it, I lost it. I yelled. I got mad. I made things worse. Finally at 9pm I stepped out of the room to try to settle myself and see if they would possibly calm down and we could start again. Bad idea! Things got more hectic, and it was not pretty. I feel terrible for losing my temper (I had been getting so much better about it) and I am exhausted and honestly, I am still pretty mad at the kids. I am ashamed that I dislike them so much when they don't listen, but that is just the way it is. And right now I am not happy with Kids and I have no desire to see them or have fun with them tomorrow. I know, I need to get over it - they are just doing what is developmentally appropriate or what I am teaching them is acceptable. I should not hold it against them. I just don't know how to get over their little laughing faces when they are knowingly misbehaving. I take it personally. I don't know how not to. So they finally fell asleep at 10pm, and I feel like Crap (with a capital C).
So around 10:30 Wife comes home from game. I am in the living room checking email when she walks in. I ask how her game was (it sucked, they got pummeled), I mention that she looks tired (defeated actually) and she mentions that she is sore. She goes into bedroom. I know she will not ask me how my evening was because she doesn't ask questions like that. The Animals start acting a bit crazy so she comes through the living room to let the Dogs out, while asking me if I have been ignoring them because they are a bit hyper. On her way back, I mention that if by chance the kids wake up early (which they have been doing with a vengeance), they are all hers. I told her I had a tough night and they didn't fall asleep until 10. She says "fine" - literally, "fine" and walks away. Now don't you think this is an opportunity for Wife to be supportive? "I am sorry you had a tough time. Do you want to talk about it?" or even "I am so tired I can't deal with it right now, but that sucks - I hope it is better tomorrow." Something! Seriously, "fine"? But wait, it gets better. Because Wife passes back through a little while later to let Dogs in, and after thinking about it a little more, her response is now "You might want to rethink your bath routine." What a bitch! I had a hard night, and apparently now it is my fault and nope, still no sympathy or empathy. Am I reading too much into this? Is she saying that I fucked it up starting with bath and that I kinda deserve the hard night I had getting the kids to sleep? Because that is kinda shitty.
And here is the real rub. I am so getting close to talking with her about these things - about how I feel and standing up for myself even though I know it will bring an onslaught of her defensiveness and even greater levels of accusations and nastiness. But with these crazy hormones running through me, I don't trust my impressions. Maybe it wasn't that awful. Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I did fuck things up and she is actually being helpful?
How do I learn to trust Who I Am when I don't?
So around 10:30 Wife comes home from game. I am in the living room checking email when she walks in. I ask how her game was (it sucked, they got pummeled), I mention that she looks tired (defeated actually) and she mentions that she is sore. She goes into bedroom. I know she will not ask me how my evening was because she doesn't ask questions like that. The Animals start acting a bit crazy so she comes through the living room to let the Dogs out, while asking me if I have been ignoring them because they are a bit hyper. On her way back, I mention that if by chance the kids wake up early (which they have been doing with a vengeance), they are all hers. I told her I had a tough night and they didn't fall asleep until 10. She says "fine" - literally, "fine" and walks away. Now don't you think this is an opportunity for Wife to be supportive? "I am sorry you had a tough time. Do you want to talk about it?" or even "I am so tired I can't deal with it right now, but that sucks - I hope it is better tomorrow." Something! Seriously, "fine"? But wait, it gets better. Because Wife passes back through a little while later to let Dogs in, and after thinking about it a little more, her response is now "You might want to rethink your bath routine." What a bitch! I had a hard night, and apparently now it is my fault and nope, still no sympathy or empathy. Am I reading too much into this? Is she saying that I fucked it up starting with bath and that I kinda deserve the hard night I had getting the kids to sleep? Because that is kinda shitty.
And here is the real rub. I am so getting close to talking with her about these things - about how I feel and standing up for myself even though I know it will bring an onslaught of her defensiveness and even greater levels of accusations and nastiness. But with these crazy hormones running through me, I don't trust my impressions. Maybe it wasn't that awful. Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I did fuck things up and she is actually being helpful?
How do I learn to trust Who I Am when I don't?
It's Official...
I am leaking white stuff from my cooch. Yuck! Oh, and I am depressed. Urgh! Not the "gee I am sad, things are kinda sour right now" type of depression. I get the "my whole life is pointless and I am such a waste, I have no energy to do anything and I don't deserve anything anyway" type. I had been doing so well. And I can't tell if this is because I am pregnant (which I SOOOO want to believe) or because my body is already laughing at me and knows I am not pregnant (which really seems like a stretch, but seems so feasible with my doomsday goggles on). I mean really, I feel pregnant. I am so exhausted. I am hungry. I can't keep a coherent thought in my head for longer than a minute. (And my typing is horrendous - I am not simply reversing letters; I put the second letter at the end of a 6-letter word - what is going on here?) But then again, it could just be a result of the white stuff oozing out between my thighs.
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