I am desperately trying to finish up my work so I can go home for Date Night. But I promised myself I would dedicate just a little bit of time to myself, and blogging helps keep me borderline sane, so here I am...
I suppose top of mind is that I am really thankful for Wife these days. She has actually been a royal pain, but even when she is cranky and somewhat mean, I know I can count on her to take care of the Kids, the house, the animals, etc. I am extremely fortunate that when work gets hectic and/or pregnancy takes over my brain, I don't have to worry about a lot of things. Sure, I still have a ton on my personal to-do list, including battling with insurance about 2010 charges and reimbursements, starting/finishing taxes (urgh!) and random other "nits," but I can't imagine having to do all that on top of cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. So I am going to try to be very thankful and nice on this Date Night and leave my overwhelmed self at work.
That said, and it wouldn't be an honest post if I left it off, I can't wait until Wife can feel the baby kick because maybe then she will get off my back about needing to sit down and wanting to sleep with 4 pillows and the other pregnancy-related changes I have made. Kinda sick of the not-so-gentle teasing. And eye rolling. The "tone" can go too.
But I love her, so I will try to focus on behaving. And having fun.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
And that PMS-like episode is over
I think I was having a PMS-like experience yesterday. What a pity party I was throwing! Glad to report that I feel much more balanced today. I am feeling on the right path.
And I am happy to say that I was on the right path even before I had acu-therapy this morning (but it did confirm and reinforce my positivity). An interesting thing came up as I told Acupuncturist about trying to dump the fear - I realized that I didn't have a good image of what I was trying to move toward. Running away is no good if you don't know where you are going to. So I sat there with needles in my back trying to see a vision of me happier, full of enjoyment and awe. And I see it!
So even though I am slammed at work, I can remain centered. Even though I still bump heads with Wife, I can focus on warmth and caring.
I am in love with the image of a daffodil in a sunny field. It's a little windy but the flower just bends and sways, still lifting her petals to the warmth of the sun. Bright yellow and bright green. Tall. Open. Beautiful.
And I am happy to say that I was on the right path even before I had acu-therapy this morning (but it did confirm and reinforce my positivity). An interesting thing came up as I told Acupuncturist about trying to dump the fear - I realized that I didn't have a good image of what I was trying to move toward. Running away is no good if you don't know where you are going to. So I sat there with needles in my back trying to see a vision of me happier, full of enjoyment and awe. And I see it!
So even though I am slammed at work, I can remain centered. Even though I still bump heads with Wife, I can focus on warmth and caring.
I am in love with the image of a daffodil in a sunny field. It's a little windy but the flower just bends and sways, still lifting her petals to the warmth of the sun. Bright yellow and bright green. Tall. Open. Beautiful.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Trying to Ditch the Rest
This fear-based attitude has got to stop. I figure I have one chance to be pregnant, and I am not sure I am having the experience I want. And I realize that it is my reaction to circumstances that form my experience - but how to change my reactions?
OK, so I thought I would get pregnant really easily. My sister and my mom - both pregnant very easily (as in first unprotected sex, 3 times for my mom and 5 of 6 times for my sister - one time she only got pregnant on the 3rd month - oh poor thing!) But me? Not so much. And it really pissed me off. I did not handle it patiently and peacefully - I was cranky and bitter and I felt broken and maybe even a little cursed...until I discovered we had an issue with the swimmer, as in low numbers and low motility. So we moved on to IVF. But it didn't work the first time! This is a new area for me - for me not to succeed on the first try. Blah I felt fugly.
Luckily, somehow, I kept it together to get another try and I lucked out big-time that the second IVF (or rather the FET) worked. But then...of the three embryos transferred, only one implanted. What is wrong with me that I don't have twins or triplets. (Note that triplets are desired, but if I were really the shit I sometimes like to think I am, shouldn't that have been a possibility?) So instead, I have an absolutely fantastic, lovely baby growing inside of me and I am feeling less-than because I am not having multiples.
And the pregnancy - I thought I would grow a beautiful bump and glow and feel fantastic. Nope - just nausea and blobby and acne. But not so sick that it makes sense for me to be upset - no massive vomit or weight loss or anything visible - just an internal feeling like crap. And just when I was starting to feel that I might really get into enjoying the pregnancy, I bleed. So finally I have this "excuse," a reason to take it easy and prioritize my pregnancy - and instead I feel like a freak for flipping out all the time (internally) and being a big nasty crank-pot (externally). I get worried when my stomach suddenly gets hard, when it probably is only gas. I flip out when I get cramps on my side, when it is probably only round ligament pain.
I have GOT to start taking it easier on myself! I so wish I could focus on the positive, dwell on the miracle, bathe in the newness and ditch all the rest. Can I force myself not to look for blood in the toilet every time I pee? Can I forbid myself to complain? Can I drop the worry and move on?
OK, so I thought I would get pregnant really easily. My sister and my mom - both pregnant very easily (as in first unprotected sex, 3 times for my mom and 5 of 6 times for my sister - one time she only got pregnant on the 3rd month - oh poor thing!) But me? Not so much. And it really pissed me off. I did not handle it patiently and peacefully - I was cranky and bitter and I felt broken and maybe even a little cursed...until I discovered we had an issue with the swimmer, as in low numbers and low motility. So we moved on to IVF. But it didn't work the first time! This is a new area for me - for me not to succeed on the first try. Blah I felt fugly.
Luckily, somehow, I kept it together to get another try and I lucked out big-time that the second IVF (or rather the FET) worked. But then...of the three embryos transferred, only one implanted. What is wrong with me that I don't have twins or triplets. (Note that triplets are desired, but if I were really the shit I sometimes like to think I am, shouldn't that have been a possibility?) So instead, I have an absolutely fantastic, lovely baby growing inside of me and I am feeling less-than because I am not having multiples.
And the pregnancy - I thought I would grow a beautiful bump and glow and feel fantastic. Nope - just nausea and blobby and acne. But not so sick that it makes sense for me to be upset - no massive vomit or weight loss or anything visible - just an internal feeling like crap. And just when I was starting to feel that I might really get into enjoying the pregnancy, I bleed. So finally I have this "excuse," a reason to take it easy and prioritize my pregnancy - and instead I feel like a freak for flipping out all the time (internally) and being a big nasty crank-pot (externally). I get worried when my stomach suddenly gets hard, when it probably is only gas. I flip out when I get cramps on my side, when it is probably only round ligament pain.
I have GOT to start taking it easier on myself! I so wish I could focus on the positive, dwell on the miracle, bathe in the newness and ditch all the rest. Can I force myself not to look for blood in the toilet every time I pee? Can I forbid myself to complain? Can I drop the worry and move on?
Friday, April 1, 2011
Pregnancy Brain
I am so amazed by how my life is impacted all around just by the simple fact that I am pregnant. I think about it all the time. I have an ongoing filter...Can I do this while I am pregnant? I feel "x" - must be the Baby. And this is leading to a pretty bad case of pregnancy brain.
I am so darn spacey! I haven't done anything too terrible, but I am so sick of the little things that I have been forgetting or doing not-as-well-as-I-would-like. I understand that my letting go of control and uber-competence might be part of the lesson I need to learn though this pregnancy, but it is so hard!
I had a little breakdown/breakthrough at acupuncture earlier this week when I realized part of my Pregnancy Brain is bothering me so much is that I am just not sure who I am or how I am as a person without being intelligent, on-top-of-it, knowing and able. It is a big part of my personal value proposition. Am I worthy or lovable with out always being right?
Wife is actually happy with my spaciness - she says it evens the playing field and she actually gets a chance to be right. But oh how I hate it - not that she is right, but that I am wrong. I so despise not being able to trust my memory or understanding of a situation.
My sister (she of 6 babies) says that the first pregnancy is the worst, but after the third or fourth you start to realize that the pregnancy can just happen on its own. It doesn't have to be the first thing you think of in the morning or last thing as you fall asleep at night or a consideration as you fasten your seatbelt and drive down the highway or...but I wonder how true that would be if she had to do IVF and then had a really scary bleed out at 16 weeks.Seriously, I can't ever go pee without holding my breath as I look at the paper to check for bleeding.
Well, I am now at 20 weeks and I have three goals for the rest of the second trimester, or at least until the end of April (bite-sized pieces afterall):
(1) Find just a little time to blog every workday - even if it is a few sentences
(2) Spend a little bit of each day not thinking about being pregnant - The distracted pregnancy brain is making it really hard to be effective at work and it is really bugging me at home. So I need to be more aware of what I am doing in each moment and less daydreaming about baby-related matters.
(3) Spend a little bit of each day focusing on the fun and amazing parts of pregnancy - I just want to enjoy this time and not stress about the scariness of it all. I don't want to get to the birth and be sad that I missed it, that it passed me by while I was too busy worrying.
I am so darn spacey! I haven't done anything too terrible, but I am so sick of the little things that I have been forgetting or doing not-as-well-as-I-would-like. I understand that my letting go of control and uber-competence might be part of the lesson I need to learn though this pregnancy, but it is so hard!
I had a little breakdown/breakthrough at acupuncture earlier this week when I realized part of my Pregnancy Brain is bothering me so much is that I am just not sure who I am or how I am as a person without being intelligent, on-top-of-it, knowing and able. It is a big part of my personal value proposition. Am I worthy or lovable with out always being right?
Wife is actually happy with my spaciness - she says it evens the playing field and she actually gets a chance to be right. But oh how I hate it - not that she is right, but that I am wrong. I so despise not being able to trust my memory or understanding of a situation.
My sister (she of 6 babies) says that the first pregnancy is the worst, but after the third or fourth you start to realize that the pregnancy can just happen on its own. It doesn't have to be the first thing you think of in the morning or last thing as you fall asleep at night or a consideration as you fasten your seatbelt and drive down the highway or...but I wonder how true that would be if she had to do IVF and then had a really scary bleed out at 16 weeks.Seriously, I can't ever go pee without holding my breath as I look at the paper to check for bleeding.
Well, I am now at 20 weeks and I have three goals for the rest of the second trimester, or at least until the end of April (bite-sized pieces afterall):
(1) Find just a little time to blog every workday - even if it is a few sentences
(2) Spend a little bit of each day not thinking about being pregnant - The distracted pregnancy brain is making it really hard to be effective at work and it is really bugging me at home. So I need to be more aware of what I am doing in each moment and less daydreaming about baby-related matters.
(3) Spend a little bit of each day focusing on the fun and amazing parts of pregnancy - I just want to enjoy this time and not stress about the scariness of it all. I don't want to get to the birth and be sad that I missed it, that it passed me by while I was too busy worrying.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Back to Life as Normal
I don't know why this didn't post yesterday...
I am back at work and life has somewhat smoothly returned to "normal." As yet I feel this overwhelming sense of community, of family, care and concern. I am so thankful for friends who helped look after Kids and sent me nice messages. For doctors who saw me, squeezed me in, gave me the information I needed and took care of me. For Acupuncturist who looked after my entire body and spirit and family. For Wife, who has done so much to make it easier for me to relax and rest, and really been there for me. For Kids who have been really understanding of what I could and couldn't do. For my parents and sister, who surprised me by checking in on me and caring so much. And even people at work...I just feel looked after. Wish I didn't need it, but the truth is I do. And there is no shame in that.
So third opinion yesterday, at out new OB, went great. I really like her, so no more Midwife. (I have to call and cancel those appointments!) She explained...it is a subchorionic hemorrhage, which in the first trimester might mean a 50-50 chance of miscarriage. But in the second trimester, with bleeding already stopped, is closer to a 5%-10% chance. Baby still sounds strong. I am at higher risk for pre-term labor, but overall not much else should change. I can still go out of town in 2 weeks. I should avoid sex/orgasms and limit strenuous activity. No treadmill for at least a week. No additional appointments or monitoring needed at this time. All good news and I am soaking it in.
Meanwhile I had a great conversation with Acupuncturist this morning about what possessive pronoun to use with Baby...my baby? our baby? the baby? Especially when talking with Kids, I am aware of what I say. I don't want this to be MY baby, as if they weren't my babies because they were in Wife's tummy. But on a certain level, I need to take ownership or responsibility for this baby on a level that is different from everyone else who is helping me. Our baby is living and growing inside me, not us. It seems weird to be dissecting this so much, but it is something that has been worrying me for quite a while. (Yes, I know, overly analytical...) Anyway, I discovered the foundation: MY pregnancy, OUR baby. And I am starting to feel the honor of being blessed to carry OUR baby, to grow OUR baby though MY pregnancy.
I am back at work and life has somewhat smoothly returned to "normal." As yet I feel this overwhelming sense of community, of family, care and concern. I am so thankful for friends who helped look after Kids and sent me nice messages. For doctors who saw me, squeezed me in, gave me the information I needed and took care of me. For Acupuncturist who looked after my entire body and spirit and family. For Wife, who has done so much to make it easier for me to relax and rest, and really been there for me. For Kids who have been really understanding of what I could and couldn't do. For my parents and sister, who surprised me by checking in on me and caring so much. And even people at work...I just feel looked after. Wish I didn't need it, but the truth is I do. And there is no shame in that.
So third opinion yesterday, at out new OB, went great. I really like her, so no more Midwife. (I have to call and cancel those appointments!) She explained...it is a subchorionic hemorrhage, which in the first trimester might mean a 50-50 chance of miscarriage. But in the second trimester, with bleeding already stopped, is closer to a 5%-10% chance. Baby still sounds strong. I am at higher risk for pre-term labor, but overall not much else should change. I can still go out of town in 2 weeks. I should avoid sex/orgasms and limit strenuous activity. No treadmill for at least a week. No additional appointments or monitoring needed at this time. All good news and I am soaking it in.
Meanwhile I had a great conversation with Acupuncturist this morning about what possessive pronoun to use with Baby...my baby? our baby? the baby? Especially when talking with Kids, I am aware of what I say. I don't want this to be MY baby, as if they weren't my babies because they were in Wife's tummy. But on a certain level, I need to take ownership or responsibility for this baby on a level that is different from everyone else who is helping me. Our baby is living and growing inside me, not us. It seems weird to be dissecting this so much, but it is something that has been worrying me for quite a while. (Yes, I know, overly analytical...) Anyway, I discovered the foundation: MY pregnancy, OUR baby. And I am starting to feel the honor of being blessed to carry OUR baby, to grow OUR baby though MY pregnancy.
Monday, February 28, 2011
"Threatened Miscarriage"
Well it has been an interesting few days...weeks actually. I haven't been posting because I have been completely overwhelmed and my brain has been all over the place. Exactly when I should have been blogging! To organize my thoughts, etc. But now I am just going to event dump for my reference - perhaps one day I will want to remember this?
Of course, in case either of my 2 readers check in and are concerned about my pregnancy, I should preface this my saying so far Baby is doing well. We have a good heartbeat. And now to my story...
Three weeks ago, work got very busy. My boss resigned, leaving vacant a job that I was looking to eventually have. So I was suddenly tasked with doing my boss's work and deciding, Do I want to go for a promotion, which would mean a lot more work and more stress, but also more money and good for long-term career. Short-term vs long-term. But since I was basically doing his job anyway... But ultimately I decided my priorities are with our baby. Timing isn't right. So I didn't go for the big promotion.
Two weeks ago, work came up with a good outcome for me - I got a little promotion. Instead of the entire global organization with oversight of 9 employees, I got a section of it, with 2 employees and me. Still a little stressful since one of the employees is brand-spanking new and the other one is a good work-friend who is not pleased with the idea of reporting into me. So yes, there was a bit of stress, which may have led to some weird cramping. At first I thought it was because of my crazy insane constipation. But then it didn't go away and I started to get nervous. So I had a few days of cramping, no spotting, and then went to the midwife. Doppler indicated a good heartbeat, cultures indicated no infection. So unexplained cramping that is probably from constipation. Great!
Then last week I was hit HARD by a cold. Total nasal drip on one side, blockage on the other - head fuzzy and can't breathe or sleep and it is completely ridiculous how many times I peed myself when I sneezed. And the cramping when I coughed. Really threw me for a loop. And even though I was super-busy at work, I took a day off because I felt like crap. I don't do that easily. I also worked form home two days so as not to infect the rest of the office. Sure, my new boss joked about how I was working on my sick day - and I tried to tell me I was sick but not taking a sick day, I was working! But I can tell this guy gets his own ideas about things and that is how it is. Anyway, last week was hard, balancing work and feeling like crap.
Which leads me to the weekend. Sat afternoon I was just about to go out, even though I was still sick - I needed to get out of the house. I was going to buy myself a new cell phone, a treat to help get me out of the funk of stress and feeling bad and behind on everything. But first, I had to go to the bathroom. And since I am a constipated little gal, this required a fair amount of straining. I actually thought, "I wonder if this is how labor is going to feel" even knowing that it was nothing compared to labor. But I can't even describe my shock and fear when I looked into the toilet and saw it was bright red. Of course my first thought was wondering whether it was vaginal or anal - so I started wiping like crazy and trying not to get alarmed. I called for Wife, who was putting Kids down for nap and couldn't hear me above their protests. I put a pad on to see where the bleeding was coming from and flushed (bad idea - next time [ha ha] keep it to show Wife so she won't think I am overreacting....) before getting Wife. Told her the situation and went to ER.
Just a note: local ER sucks. It took one hour of me sitting in the lobby, bleeding and crying, before I could get a bed. Then it took another 30 minutes before a nurse came in, then another hour before the ultrasound that finally showed our baby is ok. They suck! Sure, I actually had stopped bleeding sometime while waiting, but I didn't know this. Wife helped calm me down - she found friends to come watch Kids so she could join me. She was so mad about my not having a room that she started going up to the desk every 10 minutes and fighting for me. Then calling everyone an idiot. Made it so I didn't have to. Anyway, after ultrasound and pelvic, Dr. ER says something about hemorrhage behind placenta, and leaves the room. Leaves me nobody except Dr. Google, which had an array of prognoses but not a lot of helpful information. I am 16 weeks pregnant, just inside the second trimester. I read a bit about what I think this means during the first trimester (subchorionic hematoma) and even during the third trimester (placenta abruptio), but what about me? Another 30 minutes and Dr. ER says diagnosis is "Threatened Miscarriage" with a 50-50 outcome. He mentions a "tear." Suggests bed rest and no work for 4-5 days. Come back if it gets worse. Thanks.
Funny part, though: I went in for a urine sample, and I was so distracted and wondering how the bleeding was that I peed so I could wipe. Then I used cleansing toilette and opened the urine sample cup and THEN realized Holy Crap - I already peed! When I came out I told the nurse "it didn't work" and Wife was like "what? how does it not work?" and I had to tell them what I moron I was. Had to laugh because it was just such an idiot move.
OK, so talked to midwife on call on Sat evening and spent next 24 hours in bed and on couch. Contemplating 50-50 chance. Trying to think happy thoughts. Oh, also went to my wonderful acupuncturist who made time for me on Sunday morning. Sadly she also gave me some of the most foul-tasting herbs to drink, but if it works... Then Wife had the brilliant idea of calling Dr. PAN (IVF doc) who just happened to be in the office on a Sunday afternoon (gotta love workaholic docs). He gave me some reassurance, that if there wasn't any more bleeding since the first incidence it is probably all fine. We saw heartbeat and I wasn't having major cramping, etc. "But would you feel better if you came in for an ultrasound tomorrow?" Does a bear shit in the woods? Hell yes. (He also offered Sunday afternoon ultrasound, but his office is too far and I wasn't up for it.)
So I went to Dr. PAN at 8:45 this morning. Such a difference. He got me right in, of course, and immediately put me at ease. Showed beautiful Baby. Showed intact placenta. Showed subchorionic hematoma but not of an alarming size. Thought it would go away as Baby gets bigger. Does not recommend bed rest (only after two bleeds during second trimester - would be different if later in pregnancy). Gives a mere 5% chance of miscarriage. Even threw in a picture and free anatomy scan, but that turned out to be inconclusive.
(Gee - I need to post more often...this is LONG!)
So here I am with two quite different views on what is happening, and I really don't know exactly what to do with all the information. I have one more appointment this afternoon - with a new OB since I am not feeling that a midwife is going to be enough anymore. Work is putting crazy stress on me - when I emailed my boss to tell him what was up and give him info he would need if I was not reachable, he never emailed back. No sorry to hear that or rest or thanks or anything. But I also said that while on bed rest I hope to be able to work since sitting around doing nothing would drive me crazy. And then when the first little thing comes in from another VP, and I say I will do it and get back to her shortly, my boss says he has reassigned it. Even when I email to say I am available to help/work, he tells me to rest and he will handle things. Blah blah! If bed rest is supposed to reduce stress then I am doing something wrong. I think I would be better off at the office. (OK, not entirely. I do have appointments and I have spent the last hour or so doing this post.) I am concerned about what this means for my career future, but trying to focus on the priority here. Just wish I had better answers about how much energy I need to give Baby - I know better, safer to overdo Baby-focus. Just don't know what the cost will be, and that bothers me.
But in the end, healthy Baby in 24 more weeks is the best outcome. And I need to focus on that. The other stuff can be worked out later. I guess I can't get too much rest and the potential cost of not getting enough rest is too high. Man - why does it take me posting a book to get at something that is so obvious?
Of course, in case either of my 2 readers check in and are concerned about my pregnancy, I should preface this my saying so far Baby is doing well. We have a good heartbeat. And now to my story...
Three weeks ago, work got very busy. My boss resigned, leaving vacant a job that I was looking to eventually have. So I was suddenly tasked with doing my boss's work and deciding, Do I want to go for a promotion, which would mean a lot more work and more stress, but also more money and good for long-term career. Short-term vs long-term. But since I was basically doing his job anyway... But ultimately I decided my priorities are with our baby. Timing isn't right. So I didn't go for the big promotion.
Two weeks ago, work came up with a good outcome for me - I got a little promotion. Instead of the entire global organization with oversight of 9 employees, I got a section of it, with 2 employees and me. Still a little stressful since one of the employees is brand-spanking new and the other one is a good work-friend who is not pleased with the idea of reporting into me. So yes, there was a bit of stress, which may have led to some weird cramping. At first I thought it was because of my crazy insane constipation. But then it didn't go away and I started to get nervous. So I had a few days of cramping, no spotting, and then went to the midwife. Doppler indicated a good heartbeat, cultures indicated no infection. So unexplained cramping that is probably from constipation. Great!
Then last week I was hit HARD by a cold. Total nasal drip on one side, blockage on the other - head fuzzy and can't breathe or sleep and it is completely ridiculous how many times I peed myself when I sneezed. And the cramping when I coughed. Really threw me for a loop. And even though I was super-busy at work, I took a day off because I felt like crap. I don't do that easily. I also worked form home two days so as not to infect the rest of the office. Sure, my new boss joked about how I was working on my sick day - and I tried to tell me I was sick but not taking a sick day, I was working! But I can tell this guy gets his own ideas about things and that is how it is. Anyway, last week was hard, balancing work and feeling like crap.
Which leads me to the weekend. Sat afternoon I was just about to go out, even though I was still sick - I needed to get out of the house. I was going to buy myself a new cell phone, a treat to help get me out of the funk of stress and feeling bad and behind on everything. But first, I had to go to the bathroom. And since I am a constipated little gal, this required a fair amount of straining. I actually thought, "I wonder if this is how labor is going to feel" even knowing that it was nothing compared to labor. But I can't even describe my shock and fear when I looked into the toilet and saw it was bright red. Of course my first thought was wondering whether it was vaginal or anal - so I started wiping like crazy and trying not to get alarmed. I called for Wife, who was putting Kids down for nap and couldn't hear me above their protests. I put a pad on to see where the bleeding was coming from and flushed (bad idea - next time [ha ha] keep it to show Wife so she won't think I am overreacting....) before getting Wife. Told her the situation and went to ER.
Just a note: local ER sucks. It took one hour of me sitting in the lobby, bleeding and crying, before I could get a bed. Then it took another 30 minutes before a nurse came in, then another hour before the ultrasound that finally showed our baby is ok. They suck! Sure, I actually had stopped bleeding sometime while waiting, but I didn't know this. Wife helped calm me down - she found friends to come watch Kids so she could join me. She was so mad about my not having a room that she started going up to the desk every 10 minutes and fighting for me. Then calling everyone an idiot. Made it so I didn't have to. Anyway, after ultrasound and pelvic, Dr. ER says something about hemorrhage behind placenta, and leaves the room. Leaves me nobody except Dr. Google, which had an array of prognoses but not a lot of helpful information. I am 16 weeks pregnant, just inside the second trimester. I read a bit about what I think this means during the first trimester (subchorionic hematoma) and even during the third trimester (placenta abruptio), but what about me? Another 30 minutes and Dr. ER says diagnosis is "Threatened Miscarriage" with a 50-50 outcome. He mentions a "tear." Suggests bed rest and no work for 4-5 days. Come back if it gets worse. Thanks.
Funny part, though: I went in for a urine sample, and I was so distracted and wondering how the bleeding was that I peed so I could wipe. Then I used cleansing toilette and opened the urine sample cup and THEN realized Holy Crap - I already peed! When I came out I told the nurse "it didn't work" and Wife was like "what? how does it not work?" and I had to tell them what I moron I was. Had to laugh because it was just such an idiot move.
OK, so talked to midwife on call on Sat evening and spent next 24 hours in bed and on couch. Contemplating 50-50 chance. Trying to think happy thoughts. Oh, also went to my wonderful acupuncturist who made time for me on Sunday morning. Sadly she also gave me some of the most foul-tasting herbs to drink, but if it works... Then Wife had the brilliant idea of calling Dr. PAN (IVF doc) who just happened to be in the office on a Sunday afternoon (gotta love workaholic docs). He gave me some reassurance, that if there wasn't any more bleeding since the first incidence it is probably all fine. We saw heartbeat and I wasn't having major cramping, etc. "But would you feel better if you came in for an ultrasound tomorrow?" Does a bear shit in the woods? Hell yes. (He also offered Sunday afternoon ultrasound, but his office is too far and I wasn't up for it.)
So I went to Dr. PAN at 8:45 this morning. Such a difference. He got me right in, of course, and immediately put me at ease. Showed beautiful Baby. Showed intact placenta. Showed subchorionic hematoma but not of an alarming size. Thought it would go away as Baby gets bigger. Does not recommend bed rest (only after two bleeds during second trimester - would be different if later in pregnancy). Gives a mere 5% chance of miscarriage. Even threw in a picture and free anatomy scan, but that turned out to be inconclusive.
(Gee - I need to post more often...this is LONG!)
So here I am with two quite different views on what is happening, and I really don't know exactly what to do with all the information. I have one more appointment this afternoon - with a new OB since I am not feeling that a midwife is going to be enough anymore. Work is putting crazy stress on me - when I emailed my boss to tell him what was up and give him info he would need if I was not reachable, he never emailed back. No sorry to hear that or rest or thanks or anything. But I also said that while on bed rest I hope to be able to work since sitting around doing nothing would drive me crazy. And then when the first little thing comes in from another VP, and I say I will do it and get back to her shortly, my boss says he has reassigned it. Even when I email to say I am available to help/work, he tells me to rest and he will handle things. Blah blah! If bed rest is supposed to reduce stress then I am doing something wrong. I think I would be better off at the office. (OK, not entirely. I do have appointments and I have spent the last hour or so doing this post.) I am concerned about what this means for my career future, but trying to focus on the priority here. Just wish I had better answers about how much energy I need to give Baby - I know better, safer to overdo Baby-focus. Just don't know what the cost will be, and that bothers me.
But in the end, healthy Baby in 24 more weeks is the best outcome. And I need to focus on that. The other stuff can be worked out later. I guess I can't get too much rest and the potential cost of not getting enough rest is too high. Man - why does it take me posting a book to get at something that is so obvious?
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
NT Testing Results
Good news on the baby-is-healthy front. But first let me set the stage...
I have to admit the ultrasound tech got me a little worried at first: Kiddo was being a little less than cooperative and wouldn't roll over. And I blew it by forgetting to drink lots of water beforehand. (The 4 glasses I chugged right before the scan didn't reach my bladder in time...) So anyway, the tech had lots of time trying to get Kiddo into the right position, and while she was waiting she looked around lots, showed lots of pictures of beautiful hands, feet, legs, etc. She was super chatty and even cracked a few jokes, mostly about me being almost upside down on the chair (hoping that would entice Kiddo to roll, but it didn't really). Anyway, when she finally got good NT readings, she suddenly clammed up. Completely. Then folded the towel over my tummy and said the doctor would be in soon to discuss the results. At this point my heart was beating so fast!
So, of course I turn to Wife to look for some reassurance. But it turns out she is really pissed at me and not in the mood to talk. Big cold shoulder. Apparently one of the things I was "chatting" with the tech about was the Kiddo's gender, and I mentioned how I didn't want to know it (if that was a possibility, just so it didn't accidentally come out). Wife replied, "Well 'we' aren't against knowing. I want to know." to which I replied "But luckily I get to decide." And that is why the entire ultrasound was ruined for Wife. Now maybe I shouldn't have said that. Maybe not as flippantly as I did. But isn't this something that I do get to decide? We have talked about it. This was not news to her. But apparently she is still pretty bitter about it, so I shouldn't have rubbed her nose in it? Did I? Well, I am feeling a bit conflicted - I apologized immediately but only half-heartedly. And I don't know if I feel like apologizing for real. I don't know if I feel bad. I don't know if I should feel bad. Do I need to be aware and considerate of the fact that it is hard for her not to be the pregnant one? Do I need to remind her that it was really hard for me when she was pregnant and I felt secondary? Knowing how I felt, should I make extra efforts to make sure she doesn't feel that way? Or do I get to enjoy being pregnant because now it is my turn? I am definitely going to have to think on this one a lot more.
But the bigger issue it brings up is what am I going to do during labor? I am much more seriously considering getting a doula now. Can you imagine if I accidentally said something while in the throes of labor pains that upset Wife and she froze me out? Wouldn't that make for a fun birth experience? Crap - I am so NOT in a good place right now. And it is stressing me out!
But back to the good news...Nuchal measurements were 1.3-1.4 mm, well below the 2.5 mm "borderline" for the Kiddo's size. Woo hoo! In fact, the risk of Down's is 1 in 1,400 and risk of Trisomy 18 is 1 in 13,000. OK! By the way, Kiddo is measuring 13w2d (when I should really only be 12w5d based on midwife adjustment and 12w4d based on IVF date). So maybe a little earlier birth? Hopefully not a really big baby - medium big would be perfect. Big baby birth scares my hoohoo.
OK, so now that I actually have work I need to shift into productive mode. Let me get things done for work, let me pay my bills, organize my papers, make plans to be with friends and address the serious issues with Wife. I need a plan and I will make one!
I have to admit the ultrasound tech got me a little worried at first: Kiddo was being a little less than cooperative and wouldn't roll over. And I blew it by forgetting to drink lots of water beforehand. (The 4 glasses I chugged right before the scan didn't reach my bladder in time...) So anyway, the tech had lots of time trying to get Kiddo into the right position, and while she was waiting she looked around lots, showed lots of pictures of beautiful hands, feet, legs, etc. She was super chatty and even cracked a few jokes, mostly about me being almost upside down on the chair (hoping that would entice Kiddo to roll, but it didn't really). Anyway, when she finally got good NT readings, she suddenly clammed up. Completely. Then folded the towel over my tummy and said the doctor would be in soon to discuss the results. At this point my heart was beating so fast!
So, of course I turn to Wife to look for some reassurance. But it turns out she is really pissed at me and not in the mood to talk. Big cold shoulder. Apparently one of the things I was "chatting" with the tech about was the Kiddo's gender, and I mentioned how I didn't want to know it (if that was a possibility, just so it didn't accidentally come out). Wife replied, "Well 'we' aren't against knowing. I want to know." to which I replied "But luckily I get to decide." And that is why the entire ultrasound was ruined for Wife. Now maybe I shouldn't have said that. Maybe not as flippantly as I did. But isn't this something that I do get to decide? We have talked about it. This was not news to her. But apparently she is still pretty bitter about it, so I shouldn't have rubbed her nose in it? Did I? Well, I am feeling a bit conflicted - I apologized immediately but only half-heartedly. And I don't know if I feel like apologizing for real. I don't know if I feel bad. I don't know if I should feel bad. Do I need to be aware and considerate of the fact that it is hard for her not to be the pregnant one? Do I need to remind her that it was really hard for me when she was pregnant and I felt secondary? Knowing how I felt, should I make extra efforts to make sure she doesn't feel that way? Or do I get to enjoy being pregnant because now it is my turn? I am definitely going to have to think on this one a lot more.
But the bigger issue it brings up is what am I going to do during labor? I am much more seriously considering getting a doula now. Can you imagine if I accidentally said something while in the throes of labor pains that upset Wife and she froze me out? Wouldn't that make for a fun birth experience? Crap - I am so NOT in a good place right now. And it is stressing me out!
But back to the good news...Nuchal measurements were 1.3-1.4 mm, well below the 2.5 mm "borderline" for the Kiddo's size. Woo hoo! In fact, the risk of Down's is 1 in 1,400 and risk of Trisomy 18 is 1 in 13,000. OK! By the way, Kiddo is measuring 13w2d (when I should really only be 12w5d based on midwife adjustment and 12w4d based on IVF date). So maybe a little earlier birth? Hopefully not a really big baby - medium big would be perfect. Big baby birth scares my hoohoo.
OK, so now that I actually have work I need to shift into productive mode. Let me get things done for work, let me pay my bills, organize my papers, make plans to be with friends and address the serious issues with Wife. I need a plan and I will make one!
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