Man up!

I am back again today because I said I would, but I have nothing to report. I started the Estrogen yesterday and I have had the worst headache all day today. I hope they aren't related because I really don't want to spend the next several weeks feeling like this. I am sad, feeling unconnected, totally blah.

I am reading tons of websites/blogs (I really need to do more work!) and I keep running across other people say how hard it is to deal with infertility. Every time I read a sentence to that effect, a little part of my heart cries. I am trying so hard to be positive and say it doesn't matter - that I will be pregnant at some point. But really, I am emotionally spent. I have a much better understanding of what Wife went through 4 years ago when we did IVF for her. I honestly don't know how she coped because I know she didn't reach out to me, friends or the Internet. She kept everything inside, so it is no wonder she became a toxic mess. Then her struggles with breastfeeding only added to her self-doubt and emotional roller coaster. I only wonder if it is too late to reset her Mother/Provider meter. Is this the karmic lesson I am supposed to learn?

Overall I have to say that karma is kicking my ass. I thought it would be so easy for me to get pregnant - it isn't. I thought I would be able to obsess less about this FET - I can't. I am so out of balance right now. I am not connected with friends, I am ready to kill Wife, I am barely doing my job and I feel like crap. I even got mad a t Kids last night for not falling asleep, and I had been doing so much better about not getting mad at them! My boss just came into my office a little while ago to check in on me - he sensed I was stressed and just wanted to see if I was alright. That was really nice of him. It wins him brownie points even if I still think he stinks as a boss and he makes my work life so much harder. But it does get him something.

I seriously need a night off. I wonder if I could call home and request some alone time. How much whoop-ass would that raise? Should I do it anyway? I know it would be better for both of us in the long run. And I know it is a sad, sad sign that I am afraid to ask Wife if I can come home late. Come on Me, man up! (Wish me luck...)

Grrrr - Beware

OMIGOD I am so cranky today. I am in such a grumpy mood and beware anyone who comes in my path. I am seriously thinking about going home early because I am snapping at my boss so bad - I don't want to get fired. Seriously though, he is such a dumb-a**. And I hate how he talks: "Umm, so this needs to go there too" As if I can read his mind and know what "this" is and where "there" is. A little detail please! And is it too much to ask that he stop eating before he calls me. I am so sick of hearing him chew and slurp his food over the phone. Gross!

Tonight is going to be so not nice at home. I just feel like growling. At everyone.

Alison

I have been talking to my "spirit baby" a lot recently. I know this is out-there for most people, but it is really helping me feel focused on my goal without stressing me out. It gives my baby-making energy and anxiety something to focus on. I see an acupuncturist who saw my spirit baby above my right shoulder, glowing yellow. Since then I have been referring to her as Alison.

Alison is such a gentle soul. I imagine a purple thread connecting my heart to hers. I am trying to convince her to get ready to jump into an egg - her turn to be born is coming up. She seems reluctant right now, like she would rather wait. I hope I can convince her that now is really a good time. I also tell her she can bring a friend if she wants. I think she is considering it.

Meanwhile, I still have yet to find my own Hoo-Haa on this pregnancy attempt. I am just not feeling positive about it - probably fear-based worrying. I start the Vivelle patches tomorrow. These are new for me - can't wait to see what side effects I get. Perhaps some optimism and excitement?

In other family matters, I have been mentally drafting a letter to Girl and Boy (one letter each) telling them what they are into at this point in time. I wish I had done it sooner. I think about going back and filling in past stories. I have so much great material and so much I want to tell their future selves - if only I could get the letters out of my head and onto paper. How long do you think it is going to take before someone invents a mind-reading stenographer, so I can think my thoughts and have them written down for prosperity. What a way to make blogging easier. Until then, I will just have to set a deadline and get to it!

Nice/Not-Nice

So my goal is to write every day weekday workday in November. I think it will help me stay sane - and I need something so I don't kill leave Wife. Plus Kids aren't sleeping again and we are oh so tired. And the Lupron is making me headache-y and tired and cranky.

So today I want to comment on Wife's ability to upset me with a simple comment or question. I just don't understand how we can communicate so differently, and I certainly don't know what to do about it. I don't want to tell her how to talk or what she is allowed or supposed to say. But I also don't want her to continue talking to me the way she is, because it just upsets me. There is a nice way and a not-nice way to get the same point across. Guess which way she uses...

Nice: Are you feeling ok?
Not-Nice: Why are you so cranky?

Nice: What's wrong?
Non-Nice: What's wrong with you?

Nice: Is something the matter?
Not-Nice: Why are you being such an ass?

Nice: Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?
Not-Nice: Why don't you just go home?

Nice: Do you have another headache?
Not-Nice: Why do you have that look on your face?

The list goes on. But I won't.

Bye-Bye Pill

I have been off birth control for 3 days now and I can't believe the world of difference it has made on my outlook. I need to sit down and reflect on how crazy I have been the last few weeks - the emotional roller coaster that hormones have sent me on - just in case I need to go on the pill again (please no!). So here is a letter to me:

Me,
When you are on the Pill, everything seems larger and worse than it is. You have a tendency to snowball events. Your responses are legitimate, but your reactions are exaggerated - you spiral. This is not to say that you are wrong; your feelings are honest and true and very profound. This is to remind you to try, as much as possible, to keep your response contained to what upset you.

For example, last Saturday when Wife put 8 ounces of juice for the Kids when you both agreed to use only 4. Suddenly you knew she was untrustworthy. You doubted her respect for you. You were certain your marriage was doomed and Wife was a raving B. You cried. You were angry for hours. You didn't even talk to her about it because you knew you would blow up. I can tell you, now that I am no longer on the Pill, this does not seem like such a big deal. Maybe she forgot. Maybe she felt because the Kids were sick they needed some extra calories or sugar or both. Maybe she hasn't been respecting the agreement for 4 oz, but even that is ok. Just talk to her about it and try again. From this non-Pill viewpoint, it is about juice - and juice is not that big a deal.

Now if you are in this situation again, I wish you strength and courage. You don't have to discount your feelings and reactions - it is ok to be upset. But try to manage the disappointment and sadness. Take a deep breath and ask yourself if your reaction is doomsday - if so, you are probably overreacting. Follow your own advice tot he Kids and "use your words". In general, not on the Pill, you tend to address situations head-on. Faced with a sudden stressful situation, you collect your energy and zap-zap things like a superhero. You dodge when you have to, attack when necessary. You do not stand victim in the corner. (If you are cowering and playing victim, you are probably being overly dramatic.)

And good luck! It is a phase and you will get through it!

Love,
Me

Sham IVF clinic?

A few days (weeks?) ago I posted that I needed to stop reading other people's blogs and get on with my life. That lasted a few hours? Since then I have gone severely downhill and I may need an intervention. Because what I am finding is freaking me out. Is it possible I am using a sham IVF clinic?

Evidence 1: The rating system my clinic has for embryos, as explained and documented in an earlier post (I would love to learn how to link to it someday). I can't find this 4-rating system with 2 being the best anywhere! Maybe the doc made it up?

Evidence 2: The clinic's preference for a day-2 transfer. Everywhere else I look, especially at the successful IVF situations, uses a day-5 transfer. And when I asked the doc about this, he told me that research shows day-2 transfers are more successful. Not my research!

Evidence 3: The clinic did not give me a picture of my embryos. Granted, I forgot to ask. But when Wife did IVF, she was given a picture of the embryos automatically. Gee!

Evidence 4: The clinic says what you want to hear, but isn't always consistent. OK, maybe this isn't that different in a "real" clinic, but I wanted to vent about it anyway. Seriously, the doctor said it was an easy procedure to extract sperm under anesthesia if the more common donation method didn't show any swimmers. But when we did get some swimmers, doctor changed his tune and praised the fact that we avoided a painful procedure. Just doesn't instill confidence and trust.

Add to this some really fishy stuff about my doctor (the young, nice one) saying he would be out of the office/country for one week, maybe two, because his daughter was playing in a World Cup qualifying tournament for Trinidad and Tobago's women's soccer team. And then he was MIA for two months! A quick look at the Soca website (again, link would be cool) says the dates don't line up.

Finally, and for this I take total responsibility, I selected the clinic based on a radio commercial! I didn't check any of their references. I didn't check any medical degrees or doctor backgrounds. I liked the location (being only 45 minutes away) and the fact that they would see my donor on a Saturday. What a ridiculous reason to choose something that costs over $20,000! (I scoured the Internet for reviews when I bought my toaster - why would I not do that for this???)

So here's where the dilemma comes in. Do I keep asking questions and see what kind of creative answers (aka crap) the clinic spews or do I just shrug it off an move on? I have pre-paid for 2 IVF cycles, and I have no other money. It is not like I have a lot of options. It is just so weird!

Random Update

Today I took my last Birth Control Pill -- let's just hope the upcoming embryo transfer is successful so I never have to take birth control again! I am dreading the next stage: Lupron only. During the egg retrieval process, I got the worst headaches on Lupron only. I was so ouchy. I reminded Wife of this yesterday when I let her in on how injections were going and her response was, literally, "Great!" with two thumbs up and cheesy grin. I suppose it could have been worse.

I am trying really hard to be hopeful, but really I am not. At first I thought it was because I was scared to be hopeful, and I would rather be pleasantly surprised than disappointed again. But I don't think that is it - I am truly not hopeful that it will work. What evidence do I have? Only 18 months of trying. Now I know that the first 12 months didn't work because of sperm issues, and the next 6 months consisted entirely of 1 (yes 1!) IVF attempt, so there isn't really a track record here. In fact, there is no evidence to support my feeling that it won't work. So I have to change my thinking. I do believe in the power of the mind on the body. So somehow I need to concentrate on the lack of evidence, on the lack of a reason to think it won't work. It really could work. I mean, it will work?

I scoured the Internet yesterday looking for a blog about a lesbian who got pregnant from a Frozen Embryo Transfer. I spent a little over an hour. I found a lot of interesting blogs that I might look into more later, but no FET success story. Finally I emailed a friend that I knew was pregnant (second child) from IVF, and it reassured me to learn that hers was an FET. So obviously it can happen. (On a side note, I just found out another friend is pregnant. I am trying really hard to be happy for her - I mean, I am happy for her, really excited, but I am trying really hard not to be sad for me at the same time.)

Meanwhile, I continue to lack direction and focus at work or home. And I would really like a few hours to myself. Hmm...I wonder how I can work that in.