Hypochondria setting in...

I talked with the clinic twice already today and seriously considered a third time. First, I wasn't sure of the dosage on my estrogen shot. It was not written down anywhere since it was added later. Quick call told me I already knew the answer. (BTW, shot in butt was NOT nice this morning. Super sting and soreness. Oh well.) Second call was to discuss preponderance of vaginal mucous (TMI anyone?) Isn't that supposed to happen when I ovulate? Is something throwing my body into a crazy state and I am not going to make it to transfer on Wednesday?!? Quick call told me it is perfectly normal due to extra estrogen. As long as I am on Lupron, nothing is going to happen down there before they want it to. And third call? Well, it hasn't happened, and it is not going to happen, but part of me is petrified I have a blood clot. My left calf is so achy and sore - and it kinda came out of nowhere. It feels numb and my foot is freezing cold. Of course I immediately jumped to blood clot, and was dismayed to learn that estrogen therapy can be a cause of clots, but I only have one "symptom" so I am letting it ride. I am sure it is just bad circulation. It could even be a pinched nerve. But I doubt it is anything that will lead to a fatal pulmonary embolism. Right?

I know I am going to be a crazy hypochondriac when I am pregnant. Kicks will make me feel like I have a broken rib. No kicks will make me worry about the pregnancy's viability. Heartburn leading to an asthma attack leading to an ER visit in the middle of Nowhere, Michigan was just the tip of the iceberg. Hope Wife is sympathetic.

Meanwhile I continue to wake up from the hormone-induced depression. I am taking care of all the personal and work responsibilities I have been barely managing. And all of a sudden I am quite overwhelmed by how much is on my to-do list. Note to self: when taking a break from life, please try to check in  more often. Going 4 weeks (or more) without more than baseline attention really leaves you in a pile at the end.

Finally, I want to mention that I am visualizing this FET working. I was at my desk today thinking about how I am going to tell people. That's a good sign, right?

Because I said I would

Today is very hectic and I hardly have anything to say anyway. I am actually enjoying the time not thinking about FET, getting pregnant or IF. So instead I will give a summary of what I am up to these days. I am packing up my cube because I am getting an office as of tomorrow. I had and AFS meeting yesterday to drum up volunteers to rebuild the program in the community. Very cool to be among the front lines, even if I don't have the bandwidth to be leading any charges right now. But about to spend lunch and afternoon at Professional Association Board Meeting. Not sure if I should tell them when I sign up for role for next year that I fully expect to be on maternity leave at some point in the near future. (Honestly, should probably resign from the Board for next year, but that would be jinxing it I am sure.) Then date night with Wife. Come back tomorrow to new office and lots of positive vibes. Woo hoo!

Changing Perspective

I am finally starting to piece together this hodge podge feeling that I am approaching this attempt at getting pregnant incorrectly. The truth is I really want to be pregnant. I want to feel a baby grow inside me. I want to provide for this baby, or even these babies. I want the bump. And as much as I will deny this later, I want the nausea, aches and pains. I want to be pregnant.

But that is all about me.

And I am getting hints that the process really isn't, or at least it shouldn't, be about me. Being pregnant is a means to an end -- the way that a new being joins the world. The few spiritual people I have talked with about IF have hinted loudly that I will become pregnant when a spirit decides he or she wants to come into the world and be my child. And there is a spirit baby out there for me, and this pregnancy is about her. (I am going to continue with "her," because I do feel a female spirit baby vibe.)

So whether this upcoming FET works or not doen't depend on me doing the right thing or not. If it doesn't work, it is not because I don't deserve it or because I did something wrong. My spirit baby just wasn't ready yet. It wasn't the right time for her to join the world yet. And only she knows when the right time is.

Re-reading this so far makes me sounds all spiritual and new age. And I am not. And I don't know how much of what I wrote I actually believe. But I do know that it makes me feel better. News from others going trough IVF and FETs right now is not good. I am so sad for these women, my heart aches and my minds cowers - it scares me! So putting a little faith in a spirit baby, taking some pressure off myself, surrendering to the idea of what-will-be-will-be, is helpful.

Oops - it ended up being all about me again. Well, at least I am trying!

Like Pulling Teeth

I had a great weekend and I am still feeling optimistic about the transfer in a few weeks. Headaches are just small annoyances, probably more a reflection of the fact that I need glasses than anything having to do with hormones. So I think I am going to let it ride because the thought of creating a whole post about how I am doing right now just sounds so unappealing.

OK, I will just mention that I am collecting a list of several blogs that I enjoy reading but I keep going back to Hope Springs' blog about a Support Network and I think I will need to address this one soon. But right now I am too busy thinking about the upcoming holidays and the fun things I have planned for the next few weekends. 

And woo hoo - I just added my first link! I think I may be an official blogger yet!

Feeling like a Champ

I have nothing but positive energy to share today. I feel great. I am happy. I am optimistic about LOTS of things, including my relationship with Wife, my job and the upcoming FET. It is amazing what a little estrogen shot in the ass can do! (BTW, when I actually go through menopause, I think I am going to be a very good candidate for hormone replacement therapy 0 may no one have to be around me when my natural estrogen shuts off - yikes!)

So I am just looking forward to spending time with my family this weekend, seeing friends and feeling good. Woo hoo!

Holy Optimism, Batman - Who is this Positive Woman?

Guess who is feeling excited and positive about this FET? Me! Holy cow - woo hoo - and yippie!!!

Several things have finally fallen into place. I wish I could do the transfer tomorrow because I am feeling THAT good. But I will wait and let this grow - build a foundation of positive vibes. To summarize recent actions that helped buoy my mood:

(1) I sent a text to Wife to thank her for taking care of Kids the other night. She texted back and told me it was (a) not a big deal, and (b) she felt bad that she didn't finish by taking care of me - by giving me a big hug and letting me know it would be alright - that we were in it together and she loves me very much, etc. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

(2) Wife also offered to wake up 2 mornings a week to take care of Kids while I sleep in. Since they have been waking up at 5:30 due to end of Daylight Savings, this is a HUGE relief. And such a positive sign that Wife is making effort to support me, and given how much she hates waking up early, this sacrifice is awesome.

(3) Great couple's counseling session where I shared my anxieties and felt heard and more supported. Yes, some of my fears are irrational. Some of my reactions are hormonal. But all this is natural for where I am and what I/we are going through. So it was good. I also was able to laugh at myself some. Thank you!

(4) Super appointment with RE this mornings. First, we got to see Dr. Positive And Nice (sounds lame, but those are the qualities that stick out and are so important to me right now -- from here on out, He will be Dr. PAN). What a relief after Dr. Personality who berated my ovary, belittled my sperm and gave little hope that future cycles would work. Not Dr. PAN - he is so excited about this FET. He knows it is going to work. He is excited about their FET success rate, particularly for women my age. He responded well to my question about why we are doing a day2 transfer rather than a day5 - convinced me anyway (with some blah blah about a study at Yale...). He was very animated about what we have going for us, especially after looking at the TRIPLE STRIPE 11mm uterine lining I am sporting. Yes, Me! And we are still 13 days away from transfer. (Sorry, wish I know what cycle day this was, but I lost count of all that long ago. Only know he wanted to see at least 8mm.) I got a picture of my lovely uterus.

But perhaps the best part is...
(5) I got an estrogen shot. Sure, that sucker hurt "just a tad" as it went into my ass, but I am so ready for these headaches to be over. My estrogen level was a mere 89, while on 2 patches, so now I am going to remove said patches, and get a shot every 3.5 days. No more sticky goo! And so looking forward to no more headaches!

And in 2 weeks - so looking forward to being PUPO but on my way to being PUB (my new acronym - Pregnant Until Birth)!

Why Why Why?

Last night I cried myself to sleep at 8pm. I had a killer Lupron headache and slight Vivelle nausea. Thankfully Wife took over my job and put Kids to bed as I lay in bed feeling pathetic and cranky and hopeless. And I realized something: I made a terrible mistake. I want my $20,000 back. Forget this whole baby-making thing. I should have spent the money on a kickin' vacation, maybe a few vacations, and our heating bill and baby sitting -- why did I think that getting pregnant was so important? Because if my some fluke I do get pregnant, I am not (ever) going to be able to stay in bed with a headache while Wife puts the kids to bed. I will be busy with new kid, or kids! There will be no such thing as "me time" or other things I really value, such as sleep and relaxing. And for this I paid $20,000???

Perhaps this is what everyone meant when they asked if now was the best time to get pregnant. Damn concerned people who know things better than I do! But what to do now?

LATER IN THE DAY....
After spending the better part of the last 3 hours reading other IF blogs, I have decided to find Hope. I will be Optimistic. I will consider everything I am doing naturally to be part of creating just the right environment for my baby to join us. I am enough, and what I am doing is Right. Even what I am not doing is Right. It is going to work!