Shifting to Green

They really shouldn't call it the Baby Blues - especially for someone who has a history of depression -- it is so much more than that. And now that I am actually feeling stronger, more even, I can see how much bigger the "Blues" were than blues. And I was terrified that I had PPD. Because it felt so much larger than Blues. I wasn't sad; I was inconsolable. I was devastated. I was raw, gutted, empty. And then I find out this is normal??? Excuse me, but this is not Blues - this is Dark, Dark Grey, maybe even Black.

But luckily I am actually feeling a little bit beyond the blues, perhaps touching green. This is not to say that I am not still at the whims of my hormones, or that I am all chipper and happy. But I am not crying all the time. I am starting to feel connected to Baby - and to see how cute he is, and how we have this amazing bond. I still don't feel like I thought I would considering he came out of my body. I am still waiting for that "I love him so much I don't know what to do with myself" feeling, but I seriously doubt that I will ever have that. I don't operate that way.

I feel like it took me forever to start to feel better. But it couldn't have been that long -- Baby is only 3 weeks old. We have only been home for a bit over 2 weeks. I am grateful for my Sister, who pointed out that difficulty breastfeeding is SOOOOO normal (which is why there are so many lactation consultants) and that my hormones are making the game unfair -- they have all the power and I am at their mercy. And my friend from Portland has reached out in such a nice way. My Couple Friend from in town has also been great - nice when they come over, bringing dinner, texting to see how I am feeling. And of course Acupuncturist has been super-supportive and helpful. Therapist is here for me too. Sometimes, in fact, I have felt a little over-supported. Like I have all these people to go to...why don't I feel better? But one week later, I see how everyone has been helping me reach the place I am now...if not happiness, stability.

The only person missing is Wife. I know she cares. I know she loves me. But her manner of dealing with my having a hard time is to lock down control. To clam up and shut off her emotions. To tell everyone what they should do and to shut me out. I am so tired of her one-word responses and inappropriate defensiveness and unfounded accusations. I am not making any rash decisions, but I fantasize about being a single mom. And I plan ways to avoid her. I wish I could just keep my mouth shut when I am around her, because absolutely everything I say is wrong. And it is so tiring to be picked on all the time. But since I can't seem to keep my trap shut, I am better off not being around her. So much for this happy marriage.

But again, overall feeling so much better!

The only person miss

Rant about Wife

So I have been having serious doubts about the value of pumping all day in order to give Baby breast milk. My supply is not tiny, but it isn't enough to feed him entirely. So each pump feels like a disappointment - I work very hard and know that he will want 3 ounces at the next feed. I pump and hand express and take my drugs and herbs to get out a mere 2 ounces. So (at least) 8 times a day, I feel like I am failing.
And I am so tired. Like any parent with a newborn, I could really use some more sleep. Sure, I am not nearly as tired as I was with the newborn twins, but I am really, really tired. That whole "sleep when the baby sleeps" thing doesn't work when you need to pump - not to mention eating and personal hygiene and any little time spent with the older kids (sometimes out of necessity and sometimes for enjoyment). I think about all the hours I would get back if I stopped pumping.
I just don't know what to do with these thoughts. I tried to talk with Wife about them. And that was not a good idea - she just does not have the capacity to talk things out and consider things from my point of view. When I said I just don't know that it is worth it...she got all defensive and mad. Went on and on about how much harder it was for her with the older kids. How she didn't think Baby was getting shafted (and who said anything about that?). So I asked her why she was getting defensive - what had I said that upset her? She said that I had asked for her opinion, but when she gives it, I don't want it. I replied that I was just talking, and that I hadn't asked her to fix anything or even give her opinion, just that she listen to mine and my feelings and be there for me. She said that is all she has been doing for the last 3 weeks: listening. Which explains why I have been getting the silent treatment. She equates listening with not saying anything. How do I get her to understand that listening involves talking, asking questions, showing care by communicating - listening is not a silent action.
Well, I know I am still hormonal, but I think she stinks. I am so DONE trying to get through to her. I am ready to sleep in the office. I am ready to give up on trying to connect with her. I already felt like we were co-habitating, but now I want to make it official. I won't do anything brash, but the thought of moving out sounds lovely. I am so mad at her!
Who gives a flying F how hard it was for her 4 years ago. The fact that she never reached out to me, never talked about it, never opened up and trusted me with how difficult it was only makes it worse. But it is done. And now I am struggling. I am tired, hurt, frustrated, disappointed and pissed. And now I am lonely. Because the person who is supposed to be there most is not able to be present. She sucks!

Caring for the Blob Baby

Baby is 17 days old. It is absolutely crazy how fast the time has passed. Sure, we had the first 6 days in the hospital, which just kind of blended together since we were up around the clock. But now we have been home over a week. On the plus side, I think we have a good routine starting. On the bad side, everything is constantly changing, I need it to continue changing, and I worry about how things are going.

The most important thing on my mind right now is breastfeeding. What a struggle! Tomorrow is our first OT appointment, so hopefully we can figure out how to get Baby on my breast, getting what he needs directly from me. I will be so happy to be done with massive pumping. At least I think I will be so happy. Truth is, there are some advantages...but let me back up.

Right now I am pumping every 2-3 hours during the day. All day. But sleeping at night - for my sanity. Until today I was getting about 1/2 to 2/3 ounce per breast per pump. I have been taking fenu.greek and dom.peridone for 4 days and I am starting to see a difference. I think. I have been pretty bad about regular pumping today and when you pump less frequently, you get more at each pump (but that is not good for stimulating production since you need to empty the boob frequently for that). Anyway, today I have been pumping almost 1 ounce per breast per pump. So the last few days I have been supplementing with formula a few ounces (6 ounces yesterday), but it seems like today I may be able to feed him entirely on breastmilk. That would make me so happy!

I know feeding him formula is not terrible. There are plenty of kids who were exclusively formula-fed who turn out great. It just isn't how I imagined it. I really wanted to breastfeed. I wanted to nurse. But bottle-feeding, or finger feeding as we are now doing, has its advantages. For one, Wife can take a more active role in feeding Baby. Especially at 3am. Or I can leave the house without Baby and not take away his food source. And I am going back to work in few months anyway, so eventually we will be bottle-feeding. But there is a lot of gear required. And pumping is less efficient, meaning I have to do it more. I am so over pumping every few hours. And still not having enough.

But then I find out that even though he has been gaining weight - and quickly! - we probably aren't giving him enough. According to a chart I just found, he should be eating about 23 ounces each day. He has been getting 18 ounces. So now we need to increase his feeds (amount not number), which means I am even further away from my goal of exclusive breastmilk. Crap!

It stinks not being able to provide food for my baby. I know it isn't my fault. There were just too many things that just happened - the dextrose drip on day 2, thinking that he was nursing well from days 5 to 10 but getting very little actual stimulation, using home pump for days 11 through 13 - to think I would have incredible supply. I don't know how this is going to turn out.

On the other hand, I made it through the day without crying (finally!) and I feel like I am actually starting to get a handle on things. I had a great conversation yesterday with a friend from college who lives in Portland. I really wish I had a friend like her closer by - it is so refreshing to be able to be open, honest and flawed without risk of rejection. Oh she has seen me at pretty bad, and she is still my friend. Then this afternoon two local friends came over with their family and we all had dinner together. It was great to connect with people - and it helped show me what I am doing already. Three adults managed to entertain and feed 6 kids and it wasn't chaos. Woohoo!

And Baby is finally starting to open his eyes. He is staying more awake after each feed and looking around without screaming. He had a great few moments this evening watching Girl and Boy making faces for him. I am not exactly sure what to do with him - how do I interact with a little Blob Baby - but I think we will continue to work it out.

So Much Harder than I Thought...

Here I am 14 days postpartum, and struggling more than I did trying to get pregnant, being pregnant or laboring. Last week completely slipped away from me as I drown in a hormonal pool of self-pity. And shame. And embarrassment. I don't even know why.

By all accounts Baby is doing well. He had a bit of a rough start, and I could certainly work it up to more than it was, when in comparison to so many who are born with huge issues, his weren't really that major. Yet somehow the departure from my ideal shook me and I was so unprepared for it...I was rocked to the core and did not recover well. I am not proud of my reaction, but at least today, I realize I can't dwell on it anymore. Being upset with myself about how I handled things is not helping.

Instead I need to focus on what is going well. Through lots of pumping, fenugreek and Dom.peridone, it appears my milk might be coming back and I might get to breastfeed. My brain is slightly clearer so I can schedule the miscellaneous doctors appointments to help Baby learn how to latch/use his tongue. There are people out there, near me, who clearly care for me. Who are here for me. And I don't have to feel guilty leaning on them.

I suppose I will still struggle with feeling inadequate. With wishing Baby had a better Mom than me. I suppose all I can do it promise to keep trying harder to be nicer to myself and to appreciate the things that are going well.And to take the best care of him, and the rest of my family, that I can.

Birth Planning

I am not truly crunchy-granola, but a big part of me wishes I were. I have just enough hippie in me that makes the thought possible. Perhaps if I grew up anywhere besides the sterile north suburbs of Chicago, I might have had a chance. Instead I am a mixed up blend of practicality, conformity and slight Earthiness. My thoughts about this upcoming birth have really brought this out in me.

I would love to ask for/plan for a home water birth. I want to celebrate the natural, primal experience of birth. But I can’t. There are just too many things that could go wrong, and I am not *that* trusting in the Universe and the power of Women Before Me. So I planned for a hospital birth with a midwife. I could still have that connection to the Line of Women’s Wisdom. I could be nurtured as I birthed, and although I viewed this as a compromise, I was pretty ok with it. Then the SCH, the bleeding and fear, and the recommendation that I get an OB. And I agreed. I want to do everything to help support healthy baby – doesn’t make sense to reject the vast knowledge of Western Medicine. And yet I feel as though an important part of what could be a natural process is slipping away.

But oh how I hate the word “natural” connected to pregnancy, conception or birth. I am upsetting myself as I type it, only I don’t know what other word to use to describe what I am trying to achieve. Maybe it really is a sadness that things didn’t and aren’t happening “naturally” and that pisses me off? Maybe it is old baggage of people asking if my older kids (twins) were natural – as if they are anything unnatural? Aha! I got it. My new word is organic. Of course my kids are organic, but they weren’t conceived organically – and neither is this new baby in me. Sure, of course (!!!) IVF-conceived children are just as valid, amazing, worthy, lovely, etc. as all other kids. Can I believe this and still be a little upset that the organic method of conception didn’t work for me? That too many doctors and test tubes and pipettes and petri dishes were involved in the making of this child? Happy for the technology, just not happy I had to use it.

And that is how I am feeling now about my birth plan. I am thankful that Western Medicine exists and has made a serious dent in mortality rates, etc. I just don’t want to use it. OK – I will go to the hospital, I will use an OB. But what am I going to do about the epidural???

A seriously large part of me would like to experience the birth of my child without intervention. The crunchy-granola way of Women Before Me. I know it is going to hurt. I mean, Hurt. But at the end of the day, it is a temporary state – and if others survived, I know I can too. But I know myself, and I think that I will probably get to a point in labor where practically will set in and I will realize that the Hurt is not worth it. That I am missing the true experience. I probably will use an epidural when it comes down to it. But I am just not ready to give up on my Earth Mother birth image yet. 

And it might seem like I shouldn’t need to. I am only 26 weeks along – there is plenty of time to make this decision. But I have a dilemma. Wife wants me to have an epidural. She makes it very clear whenever we discuss the birth what her position is. And she thinks I am being ridiculous (!) to even consider not using an epidural. She points out that when I have a headache, I take aspirin; when I have knee surgery, I take Vicodin; why wouldn’t I use pain relief here? And I get that – she is not wrong. And yet this feels really different to me for some reason. In a yearning, primal way I cannot describe or defend. Which leads to the situation I am in now: needing to defend my desire without having the words. And needing to ask for her to support me, because if I am going to get through labor without an epidural, I am going to need her help. I am going to need (or maybe just really want?) someone to tell me I am doing great, that I can do it. 

Which leads to the corollary dilemma: should I get a doula? If Wife is not going to be able to support my wishes, should I hire someone who will? But if I do that, am I creating an indelible wedge between Wife and me – a significant shared experience forever lost? Would I be able to forgive her for not being there for me? I think hiring a doula would be the short-term solution that would validate us as separate, as not a team. And that is not a good vibe for the birth of a child. But it would make sure I am supported and that I have important aspects of the birth experience I am searching for, no matter which way it goes. I think a doula would just help me be the one making some important decisions about my own body. 

But if I want a doula, I need to get on it. The advantage of living in a crunchy community is that there are plenty of options out there – but I need to interview and reserve my place in the queue. I guess ultimately I need to weigh how important the birth experience is compared with the life experience. As I said earlier, labor is a temporary state – maybe it is not worth creating so much conflict over.

Tautny?

It has been an emotionally hard week for me. I can't even describe how drained I am...how much I wish I could cuddle up to someone safe and just be taken care of. But really, there is no point dwelling on what isn't. So I am starting to move on and sort things out on how I can feel better even with the stress and lot I find myself in.

But for the pregnancy journal, I do want to mention my symptoms and try to figure out what to feel about my crazy OB. I went to see her yesterday and presented with 3 days of mild cramps (lower abdomen - probably related to my obscene constipation), dizziness, headaches and generally achy-ness. I also mentioned how I am just going through a transition, where my stomach is mushy for the most part, but several times a day it just gets hard. Doesn't hurt, although I am getting mid-back tightness/discomfort (not pain exactly, but not la-di-dah either). And for those interested in TMI, I also have a certain womanly stink. OK, I am extremely malodorous "down there" (and I hope it is my over-active pregnant nose that notices - please don't let other people be able to smell me). All I can say is Thank Goodness that Wife forgot about the appointment so I could tell all this to the doctor without seeing her roll her eyes or sigh or say what a wimp I am! But I told doctor how I was worried that I wasn't taking good enough care of myself or Baby, that I didn't want to miss any signs of pre-term labor (of which I was even more worried) and I worried that maybe I was making a bigger deal of how I felt and wondered if perhaps I was worrying too much. You think?

So kind doctor did 2 things. First, she told me that I was taking great care of myself and Baby. She could tell. (And because I wanted to believe her, I didn't ask for evidence - I just took her word and I am sticking with it.) She then came over to feel my tummy and asked a few questions about the tightening - how long does it last, do certain things bring it on, etc. Then she said I have "tautny" and yes, it can make me feel quite nasty. She said that when my stomach gets hard, it is a sign that I need to rest. I should put my feet up if possible, and relax. But overall, tautny is not a cause for concern. She told me the difference between tautny and pre-term labor. She used the word several times, but here is the thing...Dr. Google has never heard of "tautny" or anything even close to that. Neither has anyone else, including uber-pregnant Sister. Or me, and I have read a lot of blogs (the new "experts").

But I swear that "tautny" is what she said. So here is the dilemma: the idea of tautny makes me feel better. I suspect she made it up to make me feel better. She could very well be ascribing a new word to Braxton Hicks (which is what Wife thinks), but I don't think I want to know. BH is used with "contractions" and that worries me. Tautny is so much gentler, digestible, acceptable. So I don't want to contact my doctor and get a clarification. But the curious (and hyper-vigilant) side of me really wants to know - what is going on here? Is this a glossing over of something perhaps partially a little more serious? Or is tautny just a simplified word for "you are a hypochondriac and worrywort so here's a diagnosis so you will lay off"? What a good laugh that would be at her dinner table...hahaha I told this women a made-up diagnosis and she ate.it.up!

Well, the truth is that I actually feel somewhat better - all day today I was preoccupied with whether tautny was real or not - and I didn't have one single fear that Baby was going to be born too early, that I wasn't taking care of him growing inside me. That has got to be worth something, even if it is the wool over my eyes.

Another Crossroads

The last few days I have been feeling rather blah. And I don't like blah. Previously I had just started feeling happy - and that was a lot of fun. I was feeling engaged and energized and productive...well, not so much anymore. But what worries me most about feeling blah is what could possibly come next - feeling crappy. I am working hard to stave off feeling crappy.

So I invested some serious time into looking at what has changed. Wish I had a clear answer. For some reason, I just seem really sensitive right now. And alone. I don't feel like I have anyone in my corner. Which is ridiculous, since nobody has said anything to me or done anything...I know this is coming from me. But can I change it?

I spent the weekend with my family visiting a friend and her family. She has a son just a little older than the Kids and twins that are slightly older than 1 year. She set me up with an awesome maternity wardrobe. (It was like Christmas!) But the visit was otherwise "less than" and that makes me sad. I just felt like she didn't see me the whole time - one example: when I was trying on clothes she was telling me to take a particular shirt because it was going to be great at the end of my pregnancy. And I said it felt comfortable, but I really didn't see myself wearing it (colors, stripes, cut, etc.). No, no she insisted I take it because I will absolutely love it. And I am wondering doesn't my opinion matter? And I felt caught - I was getting a TON of FREE clothes - I should just take the shirt and be grateful (which is what I did) - but in the process I felt completely ignored and unvalidated. Should this matter? Probably not. But for some reason I am having a hard time getting over it.

Truth is I expect this type of behavior from Wife. She is notorious for discounting my feelings. My mom? Also very good at ignoring my feelings. Which is why I look for support from friends. So after overlooking Wife's reactions, and finally standing up for myself in regards to my mom, I am just deflated that I have to search out different friends to listen to me. Man - I just want somebody to look at me and say they care how I am doing. I hate feeling like such a burden for needing this, but I do. I am so tired and scared and stressed about work and providing for my family financially and physically and emotionally, and knowing that I am doing a pretty crappy job on all those fronts right now. Urgh - I hate feeling blah!

So I pay people to support me. I had Acu-therapy yesterday. Sadly the treatment was short-lived because I showed up at work directly after wards and was thrown into a HUGE firedrill that derailed any feelings of ease. The day sucked. And now I can't even remember the wise words Acupuncturist helped me realize. And they were brilliant! All I remember is that I am at another crossroads and she seems to think I have it in me to prevail. That I am getting close to a Deep Truth if I follow the right path.

Damn I feel unstable. Can I blame this on pregnancy hormones?